To Have and to Hold (Cactus Creek Cowboys) (12 page)

“Make use of that energy and see if you can find some wood in those trees along that wash,” her father suggested when her fidgeting kept him awake. “My appetite fades when I know you cooked with buffalo chips.”

Naomi didn’t like it, either, but wood was so scarce the collection of buffalo chips had almost become a daily ritual.

“I’m asleep,” Ben mumbled, “so I can’t help.”

Naomi left her pallet, pulled a sunbonnet from her trunk to protect her from the sun, and started toward a grove nearly half a mile away that looked to be made up of cottonwoods. She wondered where Colby had gone. Usually he rested near their wagon.

The tall grass pulled at her dress as she pushed through. By the time she reached the edge of the trees, she was hot and irritated. She didn’t understand why Colby hadn’t had the wagons draw up under the trees. It would have been cooler than the open prairie. She was about to walk through a gap in the trees when she came to an abrupt stop.

Colby was there, kneeling beside two mounds of stones.

Beside two graves.

There were markers at the head of each grave, but she didn’t need to read them to know they were the graves of Colby’s birth parents.

She still missed her mother after all these years, but she was certain that couldn’t compare to Colby’s loss. He had no family to comfort him, no community to support him, no history to give him a sense of belonging. The loneliness had to weigh heavily on his soul to drive him to travel so far to visit the graves of parents he couldn’t remember.

“Come under the trees. It’s too hot in the sun.”

Naomi didn’t respond because she didn’t know what to say.

“It’s all right, Naomi.”

Naomi moved closer, the dried cottonwood leaves crunching under her feet. “How did you know who it was?”

“You packed lavender in the trunk with your clothes. I can smell it.”

She moved closer until she stood next to him. “How did you find them? You said you were a baby when they died.”

“All my adoptive parents would tell me was that my parents had been buried in a cottonwood grove alongside a creek on the Cimarron. For years I asked everyone who traveled this trail about graves they passed. Finally I found a man who told me he’d passed fresh graves here late in the summer twenty-six years ago. When I got here, I knew this had to be their graves. The mounds were so small I almost missed the graves. I covered them with stones I brought from the river. I carved the markers myself.”

The markers read:
Mother, Died 1839. Father, Died 1839.

“I don’t know which is my mother and which is my father. I don’t even know their names.
My
name
. My adoptive parents wouldn’t tell me the name of anyone who was with them. It was early years for settlers. Many people were killed by Indians, the weather, and each other. Others gave up and went back east. I had two brothers who were adopted by other couples, but I’ve never found anybody who knew what happened to them.”

Naomi couldn’t think of anything to say.

Colby stood. “It may seem foolish to visit the graves of people I never knew, but it’s the only link I have to anyone I feel must have loved me just as I was.” He turned to her. “It probably seems like a weakness for me to be so sentimental over graves.”

“I visited my mother’s grave regularly. I’m going to miss doing that.”

“You’ve got your father, your brothers, your cousins. You’ll never feel like you could disappear from the face of the earth and no one would notice.”

“I would notice.”

After a long moment, he said, “You ought to go back. It’ll soon be time to leave, and you won’t have had any rest.”

“What about you?”

“I’ll stay here a while longer. I always feel better afterwards.”

She wanted to stay, but she understood he was asking her to allow him some moments of solitude to draw what strength he could from his parents’ graves.

“I don’t think it’s foolish to be sentimental about parents you can’t remember. It shows strength of character not to forget them and strong loyalty to tend their graves. If you can love them so much without being able to remember them, think how much more they must have loved you when they could see you, hold you, make you part of their lives. You’ll never be alone because you’ve never lost their love. I know because that’s how I feel about my mother after I visit her grave.”

Colby stared at her so long she started to worry she’d said something that hurt him.

“Thank you. That was a kind thing to say.”

She was spared the need to reply when he turned back to the graves. She left the grove and headed back to the wagons. This time she wasn’t aware of the clinging grass or the stifling heat. Her mind was filled with the image of Colby kneeling before those graves. Never before had she seen such bone-deep sadness. It would take a lot of love to lift that burden.

***

“Is this rain ever going to stop?”

Ben was huddled inside the wagon with Naomi and their father. They had stopped for the midday break. It was too wet to prepare food so they settled for cold stew eaten directly from the pot. The women and children tried to stay dry while the men put the livestock out to graze. Some of them huddled on the lee side of the wagons to avoid the worst of the wind and rain. Some crouched under the wagons, water up to the ankles and wet grass up to their knees. Others gave up the battle and wandered about in the rain with their slicks pulled tightly around them.

“I’ve never seen so much water,” Naomi said. “Why do people call this a desert?”

“Colby said it only rains like this in the spring,” her father explained. “The rest of the year is dry with a limited amount of snow.”

“Don’t talk about snow,” Ben said. “I’m freezing.”

The weather had made such an abrupt change from hot and dry to cold and wet that several members of the train were suffering with bad colds. Naomi’s father had done his best to make sure none of them came down with pneumonia or bronchitis, but there was little he could do as long as they had to march through the rain day after day. Only those too ill to walk rode in the wagons because the soft ground was taking its toll on the mules and oxen. Colby had said they’d have to take a day of rest if the weather didn’t clear.

“Give me your rain slick,” Naomi said to her father. “I’m going outside.”

“Are you crazy?” Ben asked.

“I will be if I stay cooped up in here any longer.” She wasn’t about to tell him that she was wondering what Colby was doing. She had hardly set eyes on him for three days. She didn’t want to admit she’d missed him, but he was a challenge in a way no other man had been. She would have sworn he was no longer in love with the woman from his past, but something was holding him back. Her father would say she ought to keep her nose out of Colby’s business, but she couldn’t accept that a man like Colby would turn his back on life unless something was terribly wrong.

“I don’t want you getting sick,” her father said.

She opened the flap at the end of the wagon. The rain continued to fall, but the wind no longer blew it against the canvas. The clouds racing by overhead had yielded to a sliver of blue sky in the distance. “It’s clearing.”

“I’m not getting out until it stops,” Ben said. “I got soaked driving.”

The bad weather had prevented the other women from helping with Little Abe so Naomi had taken him each morning, which left the driving to Ben. Her father spent his time doing what he could to make everyone comfortable. Naomi thought his patients depend on him to raise their spirits rather than do it for themselves.

Once her father had satisfied himself that the rain had eased up, he agreed to let Naomi use his rain slick and boots. “Don’t be gone long. I’ll need them soon.”

“Your patients can wait for a change. You’ve been out in this rain for three days.”

“That’s a doctor’s duty.”

“It’s your duty to your family to stay warm and dry so we won’t find ourselves orphans.”

She’d barely set her feet on the ground when Colby came bustling up. “What are you doing outside? It’s still raining.”

“I got tired of being cooped up having to listen to Ben complain.”

“Well now that you’re in the rain with the rest of us, what do you intend to do?”

She hadn’t
intended
to do anything beyond get out of the wagon. “Just stretch my legs. They got cramped from sitting still all morning holding Little Abe.” Even Cassie had begun to call her son by that name.

They were walking past Cassie’s wagon. She could hear the murmur of Ethan and Cassie’s voices inside. She wasn’t aware that she’d frowned until Colby said, “You’re worried about him, aren’t you?”

She was glad the rain gave her an excuse not to look up at him. “He’s too old for me to worry about.”

“You’re his big sister. You’ll worry about him for the rest of his life.”

“How do you know? You don’t have any brothers or sisters.”

“I know because that’s what I would do, and you’re much nicer than I am.”

“That’s absurd. Every female adores you. Not a morning or afternoon goes by that you don’t speak to each one of them. Papa says he doesn’t know who they depend on more, you or him.”

“I don’t do anything.”

“Nothing except give them nasty recipes that make them feel better.”

“I learned a lot from—”

“I know. The Indians.”

“Not just them. We don’t have many doctors out here. Everybody has to know something about taking care of sick people. During the war, the doctors were too busy chopping off limbs and fighting dysentery to concern themselves with anything as harmless as a fever or a bad cough. All of us shared what we knew.”

“Is that where you learned so much about people?”

“I learned that growing up. That’s why I know you don’t have to worry about Ethan asking Cassie to marry him.”

“I’m not worried Ethan will marry Cassie.”

Colby stopped. “Look at me and say that.”

“No. I’ll just get a face full of rain.”

“You won’t look because you know you’re not telling the truth.”

“All right, if you’re so smart, how can you be sure Ethan won’t ask Cassie to marry him?” Naomi asked.

“He doesn’t love her.”

She scoffed. “Boys his age don’t know anything about love. Let a pretty girl look at them like they’re the most wonderful guys in the world, and their brains cease to function.”

“Ethan is too much like you. His brain never ceases to function. Has Ethan ever had a sweetheart?”

“No.”

“I expect Cassie is the first girl to treat him like he knows all the answers,” Colby said. “It’s every man’s dream to meet a beautiful woman who thinks he is perfect and can do no wrong. Ethan craves it so badly he’ll come to Cassie’s defense regardless of who criticizes her.”

“I can understand why he likes being adored, but why can’t he see she says some silly things?”

“If he thought she was silly, he would have to accept that her opinions were silly. What would that say about her opinion of him?”

“That he might not be so wonderful after all.”

“Exactly.”

It annoyed her that he was probably right. It was especially humbling because he’d known Ethan less than a week while she’d had his whole life to figure him out. Had she become so used to seeing the same people year after year that she didn’t really
see
them any longer?

When they approached Haskel Sumner’s wagon, she was surprised to see Ted Drummond and Amber Sumner standing together on the lee side of the wagon.

“That boy’s not serious,” Colby said. “Fortunately, Amber isn’t either. She’s got her eye on the Johnson boy who drives Noah’s wagon.”

“Cato? You can’t be serious! Ted is twice as good looking.”

“Not every woman chooses a husband based on his looks.”

“Then why do men?” Naomi said.

“There are a few exceptions.”

“Are you one?”

“No. I was the most stupid of all,” Colby said.

Bitterness and anger fought for supremacy in his tone. Despite the rain, which had started to pick up again, she looked up at him. He was staring off into the distance. For a moment she wondered if he was aware she was there. She was thankful that Vernon Edwards climbed out of his wagon as they approached.

“How long before we hitch up the wagons?” Vernon asked.

Colby looked to the west where the piece of blue sky had disappeared. “From the looks of that sky, I’d say we were in for a night of it.”

“My team is getting worn down,” Vernon said. “I don’t know if they can hold up under another day of driving over soft ground.”

If Vernon hadn’t loaded his wagon with everything he could manage to squeeze inside, his six oxen might be holding up better.

“We can make a short trip tomorrow and hope the rain will stop, or we can stay here for another day.”

“I don’t like stopping. It gives the Indians a better chance to find us.”

“If they wanted to find us, they would no matter what the weather.” Colby pointed to the horizon. “Those clouds are approaching fast. Unless I miss my guess, they’ll bring heavy rain.”

“I’d better talk to Norman.”

Naomi waited until Vernon was out of earshot to say, “Norman doesn’t know anything about keeping teams healthy, how long to pasture them, or whether it’s best to leave now or wait until the weather clears.”

“It won’t do any harm to let him talk.”

“Once he hears himself talk, he thinks anything he says is a good idea.”

“You don’t like the man much, do you?” Colby said.

“No, I don’t. He thinks he’s better than everybody else. I dislike him most for the way he treats my cousin.”

“He’s a cold man.”

A sudden gust of wind as they passed the second of Noah Spencer’s wagons caught Naomi off guard, and she stumbled against Colby. His arms closed around her.

The feel of his arms around her—the sense that she would always be safe there—was mesmerizing. She’d had so much responsibility from an early age that she’d never felt the need for a sheltering pair of arms. She didn’t
need
them now, but it felt good to have them wrapped around her. Their strength was comforting. Did women always want to feel enfolded in a strength that would protect them from adversity even though they knew that was impossible? She couldn’t speak for anyone else, but she liked the feeling. It didn’t mean she didn’t want to stand on her own two feet. It didn’t mean she wanted to be
told
rather than
asked
. It did mean that she wasn’t alone.