To Heaven and Back (15 page)

Now back to the story. Given this background, and the fact that she had driven several hours to see me, I could not refuse her request for a bit of my time. We sat in the outdoor courtyard and she apologized profusely for interrupting my day, but she had something of great importance to tell me. She was very worried that something terrible was about to happen to me, and she felt like she needed to warn me. She told me that in the time since her husband’s death, his spirit would occasionally visit their home and give her guidance. She had not seen him for many months, but he had come into her dreams the day before she drove to my office.

During this visitation, her husband had been excited and jubilant. He told her that I had been in a terrible accident and that he had asked the Heavenly Father if he could be one of those sent to save me. As he described it to her, his request had been honored and he was so pleased to have been able to walk beside me and lift me up during that time.

His wife had not known anything of my boating accident in Chile, but she was able to give details of the scene that were known only to those who were present. After she completed her story and added her plea that I be careful, I told her the story of my accident. Although she was startled by the past tense of my story, she was not shocked by the story itself, as her husband had already told her many of the same details.

After my kayaking accident, I felt as though I didn’t belong in the world and felt isolated. I was depressed at being on earth and was consumed with trying to understand what had happened to me and what I was supposed to do with the knowledge I gained. In trying to understand my experience, I read many accounts of other people’s near-death experiences. I found some comfort in knowing that my emotions, reactions and frustrations were common after this sort of experience.
I, like so many others who have experienced death, no longer felt the pull of earthly concerns.

As a result, I became limitlessly more tolerant of the behavior of others but far less tolerant of my personal involvement with them. I had always sought total integration in my life, but now I was driven to such. It was my goal always to be an honest, ethical, and godly woman in my personal life, my family life, and my professional life. I intended to live a prayerful life of thanksgiving and joy and it became increasingly important to me that I spend my time with like-minded people.

Bill and I both became increasingly frustrated by the attitudes and behavior of some of our medical partners and by 2004, we thought it best if we charted our own course. We wanted out, but leaving our medical group was a risky decision for us. It was the only orthopaedic group in town and everyone in the partnership had signed a “non-compete” agreement. We felt justified in leaving, but it was possible that our non-compete agreement would be enforced and we would need to leave town in search of work.

We were struggling with our uncertainty when we left in the spring for a family vacation to Virgin Gorda, an island in the British Virgin Islands. We were still anxious about it when we awoke on Easter morning, but God tells us not to fear, and promises, “I am with you, I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you.” In keeping with
God’s promises, Easter morning proved to be a new beginning for our family. We went to a sermon in the resort’s beachside conference room, where we listened to an energetic island preacher whose charisma enveloped the gathering. He did not preach on the usual topics of Jesus’ death and resurrection. He chose to speak about the fear felt by the guards and about the power of God on that day of Christ’s resurrection. He pointed out that the Romans were so afraid of Jesus, despite their claims of His being nothing special, that they securely sealed his tomb and posted guards on all sides.

On the third day after Jesus’ death, there was a violent earthquake as an angel of the Lord came down from heaven and rolled back the stone to Jesus’ tomb. The point the preacher made when discussing this story was that when God is involved, nothing can prevent the stone from being rolled away. Bill and I felt that God was involved in our lives and that it was time to roll away our stone and be set free. As soon as we left the service, we electronically submitted our letters of resignation to our office manager. We were ecstatic when we received confirmation of their receipt and celebrated the coming of our unknown future.

Within a couple of months, we moved into our own offices and formed a new medical practice together. We have never looked back. When God is present, things happen. Our practice thrived and when Dr. Alvis Forbes returned from his military
service in the Gulf War, he also left our previous orthopaedic group and joined us. A man of great integrity, he shared our commitment to an integrated, God-centered way of life and we knew we had made the right choice.

Much of what I was told by the angel in the field had to do with my oldest son, Willie. Before I introduce you to Willie, I need to categorically state, once again, that I believe very young children clearly remember where they came from and are still quite connected to God’s world. I believe they easily recall the images, knowledge, and the love of the world they inhabited before their birth. I believe children may still be able to see angels, and many other people have written about this phenomenon. As young children become more engaged with the world, their memories fade and they begin their personal journey, often filled with detours and dead-ends, of finding their way back
to God. Ultimately, they must not only find God, but must freely choose to accept God’s love and direction. God gave humans this ability to choose freely, which makes us ultimately responsible for our choices, our actions, and our lives.

Free choice requires that a person first understand that the choice he or she makes is fully theirs and that they are not being “made” to choose by something or someone other than themselves. It also requires that they choose between two or more alternatives, only one of which can be realized at a given time. For example, a person can choose to accept or reject a dinner invitation but cannot do both at the same time. As described by scholars of psychology, this inability to simultaneously choose more than one alternative creates internal emotional conflict. This internal conflict has been shown to lead to a person’s greater examination of their choices, with resulting increased perceived value and a stronger embrace of his or her final choice.

Each person can choose God or reject God but cannot choose to do both simultaneously. By freely choosing to believe God’s promises, a person’s faith may be more strongly embraced and, therefore, less likely to falter in times of struggle, sadness, or other such difficulties.

During my initial hospitalization after my accident in Chile, when I was speaking with Jesus in the sun-drenched field, I asked him why everyone
on earth wasn’t given the opportunity to have the same experience that I was having. It seemed that if everyone shared this experience, hatred would disappear, we would be better stewards of the earth, eradicate hunger, no longer wage wars, and generally treat one another better on a daily basis. I no longer remember the angel’s exact words, but his amused response reiterated Jesus’ comments to Thomas: “Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed”
(John 20:29, NIV)
.

That is not to say that older children and adults have no memory. It seems that God sends us to earth with a deeply-rooted desire to seek meaning and spirituality, and until we satisfy this desire, we experience a void in our souls. Some people fill this void with God, some fill it with material possessions or other worldly desires, and some try not to feel this void by deadening their senses with drugs or alcohol.

It is with this understanding of my belief that I will tell this next part of my story. Willie and I had always been very close and I always felt a sense of deep spiritual connection with his soul. When he was young, perhaps four or five, he and I were chatting before bed. I do not recall what prompted the comment, but I said something about, “When you are eighteen …”

Willie looked startled and said, “But I’m not going to be eighteen.”

I asked him “What did you say?” with a somewhat joking tone. He looked back at me with serious intensity, curiosity, and disbelief, as he said, “You know. I’m never going to be eighteen. That’s the plan. You know that.” He said it as though I must be kidding with him. Surely, I must know the plan for his life.

This exchange was like a knife to my heart. I never forgot it and did not dismiss it. I cherished each subsequent day I had with this son, wondering which one would be his last.

In the years following my boating accident, I intermittently thought about my conversation with Jesus regarding Willie and contemplated the reasons for my return to earth. Given Willie’s long-ago stated certainty that he would not reach the age of eighteen, I assumed that the expectations regarding Willie had less to do with his protection and more to do with my expected role in helping my husband and my family after Willie’s death. Not wanting to burden others with these thoughts, I held them inside and did not tell anyone. It seemed to become a waiting game, but as the date of Willie’s eighteen birthday neared, I became filled with anticipatory grief.

I finally told my husband about my conversation with our son that had occurred so many years earlier. I’m not sure that he was glad to share my burden of worry, but it certainly made me feel just a little bit better to tell him about it.

On a Saturday night during the summer before Willie’s eighteenth birthday, I had a dream in which a boy, who I did not know, told me that he had “traded places with Willie.” I awoke confused and bewildered. I was quite startled later in the day to discover that the boy in my dream, a well-liked and well-respected young man in our community, had been killed the prior afternoon in a motor vehicle accident while on his way to a swim meet. I felt guilty and conflicted in my emotions. I was filled with sadness at another family’s loss, but relieved that perhaps our family would be spared.

A couple of months later, we received a phone call telling us of the tragic news that one of our dear friends died suddenly and unexpectedly while in a hunting camp. Four days later, we received a similar call telling us of the sudden and unexpected death of Alvis, our medical partner. They were both dear friends and bigger-than-life sorts of people who had been active in the Jackson Hole community for many years. We were devastated, the community was reeling, and our office was a place of mourning.

In our country, we no longer seem to have funerals; instead we have “celebrations of life.” But truly, the only person who ever celebrates is the one who died. Those who have died experience the joy of returning to the glory of God’s world, while the people left behind are sad, lonely, and rarely feel joyful about the occasion.

I am not superstitious, but events frequently occur in threes. Our community was mourning three deaths. Could this be another indication that Willie’s long ago prediction would come to nothing? This question was on my heart one month prior to his birthday, when Willie, Eliot, and Betsy left home to attend a ski camp in Sweden. The three of them drove to Salt Lake City where they spent the night before going to the airport early the following morning.

After they checked their bags, Eliot and Betsy stayed at the airport while Willie drove back to the hotel, where he had originally planned to leave the car parked. When he realized that he did not have enough time to return to the hotel and take the shuttle back to catch the flight, he decided to return to the parking lot at the airport and leave the car there. On his way back to the airport, he exited the freeway and stopped behind a few cars that were lined up at a red light on the exit ramp. His foot slipped off the brake, and the car moved forward several feet, gently striking the bumper of the car in front of him. He didn’t think this was a serious problem, but got out of his car anyway and walked up to the other car. The other driver had not moved his car to the side of the roadway, did not get out of his car, did not open his window, and would not look at Willie.