To Love and Protect (36 page)

Clarissa closed her eyes, replaying Justin’s words over and over in her mind.
 
Did she want him to call off the engagement?
 
If she were honest with herself, no.
 
She had been hurt by his words and the secret agreement between him and her father.
 
She shouldn’t have taken what he said in regards to a different situation and applied it to herself.
 
But, didn’t people’s true colors come out in fits of rage and passion?
 
Confusion swamped her.
 
She still had her father to deal with.

Determinedly she pushed all thoughts from her mind.
 
She would first focus on getting well.
 
Then she would deal with everything else, one disaster at a time.
 
She made herself squeeze her hand shut once more.
 
It was weak, even she could tell that, but one small step at a time.
 
She wiggled her toes twice before going to sleep exhausted from everything that had happened to her today.

***

Justin went to his room, and began throwing clothes onto his bed.
 
He pulled out a bag to put them into when his door quietly opened and shut.
 

“Leave me alone,” he said, not bothering to look at who stood there, watching him.

“No.”
 
He was actually a bit surprised when he heard his father’s voice, expecting Meggy instead, almost certain she would be demanding to know how Clarissa faired.
 

“Da’, I don’t want to talk.
 
I’m going back to London.
 
I’m only making her worse.”

“Son, don’t make me hit you to knock sense into you.
 
It has been a long time since I’ve been in a brawl, and I would not look forward to the bruises I would inevitably have if I took you on.”

“Then let me leave.”

“No.
 
Why do you think that girl is in the shape she’s in?”

“Because I’ve hurt her.”

“If she didn’t care so much about you, do you think you could have hurt her so badly?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does. Dammit, you aren’t the only one responsible, but you are going to be the only one to turn tail and run,” his father said, trying a different tactic.

“I’m not running.
 
I want her to get well.
 
She will not get well as long as I’m around.”

“She will.
 
I don’t claim to know what happened.
 
All I know is that girl loves you, or what happened wouldn’t have hurt her so badly.
 
Do you understand that, or are you too thickheaded to grasp what I’m saying.”

“You didn’t hold her while she was having that fit.
 
I thought she was going to die in my arms,” his voice choked on the words.

“Better in your arms than away from you, isn’t it?”

Justin looked at his father, his face devoid of emotion.
 
“I love her, Da’.
 
I don’t know when it happened or why.
 
But I do know one thing.
 
I cannot bear to watch her die in front of me.”

“Son, before I met your mother, I fancied myself in love with our neighbor’s daughter.
 
Her name was Holly.
 
She was born in winter, and her mother was a bit eccentric.
 
She was such a sweet girl.
 
Brown hair and laughing brown eyes.
 
Always cared about everyone else.
 
We were out riding one day and a storm came up on us.
 
The thunder spooked her horse and reared, throwing her,” his voice turned husky as he spoke.
 
“She died in my arms.
 
I didn’t even have time to get help.
 
One minute she was there, the next she wasn’t.”

“Does mother know?”

“Yes.
 
I threw myself into the life of a true rake after Holly’s death.
 
Swearing off any commitment to women so as not to have to feel that pain again.
 
In fact, I never cried over her, not even as I held her on that field.”
 
He took a deep breath before continuing.
 
“Then my father sent me to Edinburgh to meet with an investor, and I saw your mother.
 
She was nothing like Holly.
 
You see, I wanted to be a true rake and have your mother and then walk away.”

Justin looked at his father, not sure whether to be angry with him or understanding.
 
Didn’t he do the same thing to Clarissa?
 
He couldn’t wait to get his hands on her, to make her his.

“She refused.
 
We had a terrible row.
 
She was leaving a party, not paying attention to where she was going because she was yelling at me.
 
My heart almost stopped when I saw a runaway team bearing down on her.
 
I ran as fast as I could and knocked her out of the way.
 
We laid on the ground for a long while.
 
Oh, we heard the people coming out to see what happened, but we just lay there.
 
Your mother sat up and looked at me, I turned to her and started crying with a group of strangers looking on.
 
I finally cried for Holly, but in the end I found myself crying over the fact that I nearly lost your mother.
 
That was when I realized I had fallen in love somewhere along the way.”

Justin slumped down on his bed, his head cradled in his hands.
 
He heard his father move towards him, then felt his hand reassuringly on his shoulder.
 
“Don’t give her up without a fight, son.
 
You love this girl.
 
I can tell.
 
Your mother can tell.”
 
Justin raised his face to his father.

“How do I get her to forgive me?
 
How do we move on from what happened?” he asked huskily.

“Beg, plead, cry.
 
Do whatever you have to.
 
Just don’t leave her, or she may never forgive you.”
 
He squeezed Justin’s shoulder.

“Da’, before you go, there is something that you need to know,” Justin began, ready to make amends of the past.
 
Once Justin had finished retelling Meggy’s tale about Jonathan, the two men looked at each other.
 
“Da’, I had no idea, and when Liam told me, I didn’t want to believe.
 
I lost my best friend and my brother.”

“I feel there is more to this story.”

“There is, but it isn’t mine to tell.”

“Rest, son.
 
Remember that Clarissa is in good hands,” and he left his son alone with his thoughts.

Maureen waited for him in the hall.
 
“Well?” she queried quietly.

“I don’t think he will leave now.”

“You told him about Holly didn’t you?”

“Yes.”

“I pray every night for her.”

“You do?” he asked curiously.
 

“Ever since you told me about her.
 
Then, I thank her for giving you to me.”

“Maureen,” he moaned quietly as he caught her up in his arms and kissed her hungrily.

“We talked about Jonathan, as well.”

“He didn’t know about Jonathan’s problem, did he?”

“That is why he has pushed Liam away.
 
Meggy saw something and turned to Liam.”

“And you turned Liam away when he asked for Meggy’s hand.”

“I listened to my son.
 
He says there is more to the story, but it is not his to tell.”

“I think we are going to be grandparents,” Maureen guessed.

“No,” Edward bristled, then looked at his wife.
 
When he saw her nod he said, “I’ll kill McTavish.”

“No, you won’t.
 
If you remember, we anticipated our wedding vows.”

“We have to get him back here so they can be married.”

“Yes, but in the meantime, we know nothing until Megan is ready to tell us.”

“I thought the difficult years of parenting were behind us.”

“I should go see if Mamma needs any help with Clarissa,” she whispered as she pulled out of his arms.
 

Edward nodded his agreement.
 
“But first, I think you should check on me.
 
I’m running a bit of a fever.”

“You do look a bit flushed,” she replied softly, and they quietly crept to their room, arm-in-arm.

Chapter 15

As the days turned into weeks, Clarissa felt the strength return to her, yet she felt different.
 
No longer did she waste her time and energy on trying to please those around her.
 
She focused entirely on herself and getting back to her full strength.
 
The paralysis slowly eased its hold on her body.
 
Her appetite had yet to return after the illness, and she only ate what Matilda forced her to in order to keep up her energy.
 

Every hour she walked around her room.
 
The first time Clarissa accomplished this feat, she made it not five feet from the bed before she had to return, winded.
 
Every day she improved until she made a full circuit of the entire floor her bedroom was located on.
 
Then she moved her walks to the gardens.
 
Her legs would twitch and cramp during the night, forcing her to fight back tears as she worked out the cramps.
 
It was those nights that she often wished that things were better between her and Justin, and he could be there to soothe her aching muscles until she returned to sleep, but they were not, and he didn’t.

In fact, after that first day, she had refused to see anyone except those tending her.
 
However, no one sent her messages either.
 
By not allowing them to visit her, she was taking the first step toward independence.
 
She was slowly cutting herself off from them.
 
It had to be.
 
She had to protect herself from the hurt and pain she had suffered.
 
She had to know that she could survive in this world on her own.

One afternoon, Megan ran into Clarissa in the hallway as she made one of her hourly passes, an old, sturdy cane that Seamus had given her, aiding her.

“May we talk?” Megan asked a bit shyly, not at all her usual flamboyant self.

“What about?” Clarissa asked, her voice a bit cool, detaching herself from those around her.

“I feel responsible for your attack.
 
I didn’t mean to get you involved in the middle of a family squabble.”

“Think nothing of it,” Clarissa brushed off her concern.

“But, I feel like…”

“Megan, I said it is fine.
 
I really don’t want to discuss it.”
 
And with that statement, Clarissa turned and walked back to her room.
 
Once she returned, she shut the door, leaning heavily against it.
 
“What I wouldn’t give to have Aunt Gertie to talk to right now,” she muttered under her breath.
 
The seed that she planted within her own mind began to grow.
 
She began to wonder why she couldn’t travel back to London.
 
Her steps carried her back and forth over the hand-woven rug spread out on her floor.

She knew it was foolish, but she needed to be home in familiar surroundings.
 
If she were able to get her hands on some stable lads clothes, bind her breasts and dirty her face, she could more than likely pass for a boy, at least enough to get her back to London.
 
She could take a horse until she could find passage on a mail coach or rent a coach.
 
She walked over to the dressing table and studied her reflection closely.
 
Clarissa drummed her fingers on the top of the table.
 
If she didn’t have all that hair, it just might work.
 
Hair that Justin had stopped her from cutting off what seemed like ages ago.

They were not married, and she would not give him the satisfaction of thinking he could control her so easily.
 
In fact, she didn’t know if they would ever marry now.
 
She rang for a maid and for once requested a large meal asking for raw fruits and vegetables, cheeses and breads.
 
She took a pillowcase from her bed and rolled it in the soot of the fireplace to make it look old and dingy.
 
Then she sat at her escritoire and began to compose a letter, not wanting anyone to worry excessively.

When the maid brought her food, she asked her to tell everyone that she had had an exhausting day and was not to be disturbed.
 
After locking the door, Clarissa walked purposely to the low table that housed all of Matilda’s tools that she had been using to care for her.
 
On the table lay a shiny pair of extremely sharp scissors.
 
Clarissa carefully picked them up and walked to the dressing table, then sat down.
 
Not wanting to cut her hair too short, she carefully began to snip her tresses.
 
The curls framed her face attractively.

“Who knows, mayhap I’ll start a new fashion,” she mumbled to her reflection.
 
She looked around her at all the golden locks that lay on the floor and tears came to her eyes.
 
Rapidly she blinked them back and glared at herself in the mirror.
 
“Don’t be a ninny.
 
You have made a decision, and it is about time you did something for yourself, by yourself.”
 
Resolved, once more she stood and packed all the food into a pillowcase.

Finding herself once more at Matilda’s table, she picked up a small, glass container full of foul smelling, clear salve.
 
She took it and rubbed it through her hair and then pulled her straightened hair into a queue.
 
Clarissa heard the dinner bell ring and knew the family would be going to the evening meal.
 
The stable hands would be in the kitchen eating with the rest of the staff.
 
Now was her opportunity.