To Love and Trust (Boundaries) (19 page)

When he placed a mug of hot, sweet tea on the table in front of her, he sat down opposite, folded his arms and studied her with a deep frown furrowing his brow. “So, are you going to tell me what that was all about?”

Where did she start? How could she explain that she’d always carried the burden of knowing that everyone who’d ever loved her had died because of her? Well, except for Sasha, who had never loved her, but had died anyway. Oh, she hadn’t killed them with her own hands, but she might as well have—the end result had been the same.

“Rachel?”

She couldn’t look at him, so she stirred her tea furiously and tried to formulate the right words to convey the depths of her screwed-up mind.

“Is it something to do with your last boyfriend, what was his name, Paul?” Adam was being pretty persistent and she reluctantly acknowledged that he wasn’t going to accept anything but the whole story that had led to this deep-rooted fear of love.

She nodded, took a deep breath and finally spoke. “Yes, in a way, but it goes way further back than that.”

“I’ve got as long as you need,” he said, softly. He reached out and took her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

She was amazed at how such a small gesture could have such a huge effect and gratefully squeezed his hand in return as she forced her mind back to when she was a small child.

“The first person who loved me was my natural mother. Apparently, she was besotted with me, but she died of a post-partum hemorrhage when I was just one day old. Nobody knew who my father was, and her parents didn’t want me, so I was adopted by a couple who couldn’t have their own children. They were good people and I was happy until I was four.” The memories of playing football in the garden with Daddy or being cuddled at bedtime by Mummy were as strong and sweet now as they’d always been. She’d felt safe and loved and her little four-year-old world had been as perfect as it could have been.

She sighed as the memories became darker. “Then Mum fell pregnant naturally, which was something they had never thought possible, and everything changed.” She could feel the beginnings of fresh tears well up inside her and fought to keep them back.

The muscles in her throat were constricted with the effort of not crying, but she carried on regardless. “When my sister was born it was as if I just faded into the background. They adored her—she was their own flesh and blood and I could never compete with such a strong natural bond. Sasha wanted for nothing, she was their little princess, and what Sasha wanted, Sasha got.” Rachel tried harder now to keep the bitterness out of her voice, but she could tell she wasn’t succeeding.

“Did you and Sasha get on?” asked Adam.

Rachel shook her head with a bitter laugh. “God, no. She hated me and did everything she could to get me into trouble, both at home and at school.”

“Why?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she sighed. “She grew up resenting my existence—she hated the fact that she had to share her ‘real’ parents with an outsider. That’s what she called me, an outsider. She made my life hell and told me many times that she wished our parents had never adopted me and that she should have been an only child.”

“She sounds like a very unpleasant girl.” Adam’s look of distaste gave her comfort.

“Yes, she was horrible. Mum and Dad doted on her, of course. She could do no wrong in their eyes and they always took her side when we argued, which was all the time.”

At that moment, Freya jumped up on Rachel’s lap and rubbed her nose against her tear-stained face. Rachel kissed the top of the purring cat’s head and tickled her under her chin. What was it about a cat that was so calming and comforting?

As Freya curled up on her lap and settled down for a snooze, Rachel attempted a half-hearted smile at Adam across the table, and continued talking. “As we grew older, things got worse. If our parents ever showed me any kind of affection or gave me more attention than her, she threw the most horrendous tantrums, but she was always clever enough to never let them see it. I got the full brunt every time.

“I think in an odd kind of way that she was jealous of me, although I can’t think why. Anything I had, she wanted and that included friends and, eventually, boyfriends. If she couldn’t steal a boyfriend away from me, she’d start spreading nasty rumors so they ended up dumping me anyway.”

Rachel paused for a moment as memories of her past continued to snake their way back into her heart. Damn it, she wouldn’t cry again. She swallowed another sob, took a deep breath and spoke again, while she still could.

“It all came to a head when I was eighteen. I got straight As in my A levels, which, of course, really pissed Sasha off. I was talking to Mum and Dad about which university I’d like to go to, when she burst into the room and accused me of stealing a silver necklace they’d given her. I didn’t know what she was talking about, of course, but I soon cottoned on when she grabbed my bag and fished the necklace out of it. She’d obviously planted it there, but Mum and Dad believed her and not me.

“We had an almighty row and that was when I finally snapped. I’d had years of taking her shit and enough was enough, so I announced, without thinking it through, that I was leaving home. I gave up my dreams of going to university, more to spite them, or so I thought at the time, and decided I would get a job and find someone to share a flat with in London.” An image of Sasha’s triumphant smirk as she’d left the house for the last time flashed before her. Her sister had finally gotten rid of her, which was all she’d ever wanted.

Something registered on Adam’s face, as if a question had just been answered. “That explains it,” he said. “I knew it was odd that you had such high grades and yet didn’t go to university. I thought it might have been a confidence issue, but I understand now why you were so reluctant to talk about it.”

Rachel grinned sheepishly back at him. “Yeah, sorry about that.”

Adam smiled back, his blue eyes radiating a mixture of compassion and affection, giving Rachel the strength to go on with her story.

“I managed to find a flat-share with a bunch of students and took any work I could get. Bar work, cleaning, you name it. Luckily, I’d learnt secretarial skills at school so I was eventually able to get a job as an office clerk.”

“I’m glad you did or I might never have met you.” Adam smiled.

A beautiful feeling of warmth flowed through her blood at his words.

She took a deep breath and continued. “About a month after I left, I got a letter from Mum begging me to come home. She said she was sorry she hadn’t believed me about the necklace and that she knew I would never steal from anyone. She ended the letter by telling me that she and Dad loved me very much.” Rachel’s voice finally broke into a sob, silencing her as she tried to gather more strength to carry on. If only she’d called her Mum as soon as she’d gotten that letter, things might have been so different. But she’d wanted her parents to suffer the way she had, and had decided to make them wait before she would ring them.

“What happened?” Adam’s gentle voice nudged her to continue and when she saw the compassion in his eyes, she knew that, no matter how hard this was, she needed to get it all off her chest if she was ever going to be able to move on.

“The following day, Mum died of a heart attack. Sasha blamed me, saying it was because of the stress I’d put her under by leaving.” She looked up into Adam’s eyes through the blur of tears that were swimming in front of her. “I never got to say goodbye or tell her that I loved her,” she whispered, as a lone tear rolled down her cheek.

“Oh, Rachel, you mustn’t blame yourself.” Adam reached over and gently wiped the tear away.

“I know. The doctors said she’d had an undiagnosed heart condition, but still, I probably hadn’t helped. My Dad was devastated. In fact, he never got over it. I was really shocked at how awful he looked when I visited him a couple of months after the funeral. Before I left, he told me he loved me and asked me to look after Sasha for him.”

Oh, God, why hadn’t she seen the warning? It was all her fault. Her fault that her natural mother had died when she’d been born, her fault her adoptive mum had died from the stress of her leaving and it was also her fault that her father had died. If she’d only taken more notice of how deeply the grief had affected him, she might have been able to stop him taking the overdose that had killed him so slowly and painfully.

Everyone she’d loved, or who had loved her, had ended up dead and that conviction had cemented itself in her heart when Paul and Sasha had been killed on honeymoon. She had loved Paul and he had loved her until Sasha had barged her way into their relationship and pulled them apart. Now they were dead too.

Rachel had made a promise to herself then, that she would never fall in love or allow anyone to love her again. Not only that—she would never trust anyone again, either. Paul had betrayed her and hurt her badly when he’d left her for Sasha. If he could do that to her, then so could someone else. It was a simple mathematical equation as far as she was concerned—happiness, love and trust equaled heartbreak, betrayal and guilt. She had lived her life by that simple equation until now. But without intending to, she had gone and fallen head over heels in love with Adam Stone. How the hell was she going to bury all those demons and learn to trust again?

And worse, if Adam loved her, would that mean he would also die unexpectedly and prematurely? A chill crept into her bones when she considered the possible consequences of her feelings for this man, and she knew she couldn’t allow for that to happen.

Chapter Fifteen

Adam reached across the kitchen table and gently cupped her chin in his hand and held it so she was looking straight at him.

“I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time,” he said, gently, but firmly, “but you’ve got to let go of the past and move on. You know that, don’t you?”

She nodded, but remained silent. He was right, of course, but that was a lot easier said than done.

“Rachel, I’m not going to leave you and I certainly don’t plan on dying any time soon. What happened in the past was unfortunate and sad, but it wasn’t your fault.”

She stole a glance at him and saw that his eyes reflected the warmth in his voice. She smiled shakily, feeling comforted by his patience and understanding.

“Your family and Paul didn’t die because they loved you, or you loved them. They would have died anyway. Your natural mother would have suffered that hemorrhage no matter who her baby was, and your adoptive mother would have had the heart condition whether you had argued or not. As for your father, I’m sorry, but it was cruel and unfair of him to take his own life when he needed to be strong for his children. And how can you feel guilty about Paul and your sister when they’re the ones who did the dirty on you? No one deserves to die, don’t get me wrong, but they were hardly innocent in all this. It was a freak accident that nobody could have foreseen.”

Rachel shook her head, fresh tears threatening to well up. “I know that, so why do I feel so guilty? And how do I know it won’t happen again?” When she looked back at him, her heart contracted with such a force that she felt dizzy. “I could never live with myself if anything happened to you.”

“Nothing will happen to me and if it should do, then it certainly wouldn’t be because of the fact that I’m in love with you.”

A hint of exasperation was finally beginning to creep into Adam’s voice, but she didn’t care.

Hearing him say those words not only filled her with terror, but made her heart flip with joy. The momentary euphoria was quickly replaced by the familiar sense of dread, though, and her resolve to remain detached strengthened as she gazed down at the floor to avoid meeting his eyes.

Adam sighed at her silence and tried a different tack. “I think the guilt you’re feeling is just your mind’s way of dealing with everything that’s happened. Look at me, Rachel.” He pulled her chin gently back so she was forced to make eye contact with him again, and gave her a reassuring smile. “Can’t you see that your guilt over their deaths is completely irrational?”

Yes, she could see that, of course she could. She wasn’t a superstitious person and yet she had allowed herself to believe that she had had some sort of curse of death hanging over her. They both remained silent while she mulled the thoughts over in her head. How had she ended up so deluded? Of course she wasn’t responsible for their deaths, she knew that, and yet, how come she still felt the heavy weight of guilt hanging over her? ‘I hate you, I wish you were both dead’ she had screamed at Paul and Sasha when they had told her of their plans to marry, and within two weeks of that outburst, they were dead. Had she blamed herself for her parents’ deaths before that had happened? Thinking back, she realized she probably hadn’t.

As if sensing a slight chink in her armor, Adam continued. “The way I see it, there are two problems here. The first is the guilt and the other is trust. I think you’re using the guilt to stop yourself from loving anyone again. That way, you won’t have to trust them. That part is fairly easy to deal with. I think you know that now.” He studied her closely, as if looking for a sign that she acknowledged he was right. He seemed happy with what he saw in her face, so he continued. “The trust is far more difficult to overcome and is something I think we need to work on. Do you trust me enough to tie you up so you’re completely helpless and at my mercy?”

Despite the seriousness of their conversation, she couldn’t help the little shiver of pleasure that ran though her body at his words. Suppressing a smile, she just nodded.

“Okay, that’s a good start.”

He didn’t appear to have noticed and she quickly pushed any remaining sexual thoughts firmly to the back of her mind. This was hardly the time or place.

“Do you trust me when I tell you that I’ll never cheat on you and will never leave you?” His eyes were searching hers for the answer.

She could feel them probing the depths of her emotions and she knew that he would have felt the uncertainty in her heart when she couldn’t bring herself to nod. She wanted to believe him so badly, but something stopped her from reaching out and taking the love he was offering. What if he grew tired of her or dumped her when she told him she didn’t want to be his slave?