Read To Love Online

Authors: Dori Lavelle

Tags: #Literature & Fiction, #Genre Fiction, #Family Life, #Romance, #Contemporary

To Love (5 page)

BOOK: To Love
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CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

 

As he'd done all week, Shaun planned to spend as much time away from his cottage today to prevent himself from bumping into Kelsey, wanting to touch her, to fuck her. He drove to Limmery and sat inside a small café, trying to get some writing done. But he couldn't focus. It was one of the rare times when he didn't find pleasure in writing.

After a wasted hour, he ordered his fifth cup of coffee and tried again, but everything he put down on paper was shit. So he quit and went for a drive to nowhere.

In the end he drove back to Dreara. He didn't stop himself—couldn't stop himself—until he pulled up in front of The Cooking Academy.

"Hey, Shaun, fancy seeing you here." Clara from Conaire’s Corner was smoking a cigarette outside.

Shaun stuck his head out of the car window. "Hi, Clara. How are you?"

Clara took a long puff and dropped the cigarette to the ground, grinding it into the asphalt with the toe of her shoe. "Well, apart from the fact that my workplace is in ashes and I have no job, I'm doing great."

"I'm sorry about what happened…the fire." Shaun shifted behind the seatbelt.

She shrugged. "What are you doing here anyway? You want to learn to cook too?"

Shaun groaned. He didn't want to speak to anyone but Kelsey. Small talk was not on his radar right now. He wanted Kelsey, and he was ready to tell her that. "No, just driving around doing research... for my book."

"Sorry to disappoint you. There's nothing much to see here. You just missed Kelsey. You could have taken her home, since you two are neighbors."

Shaun frowned. "I thought class wasn’t over for a few hours. Why did she leave already?"

"Kelsey had to leave. She fell sick."

He didn't want to show his concern for Kelsey, but worry tainted his voice. "Is she okay?" He gunned the engine again and reversed the car.

Clara yelled something over the sound of the engine, but he didn't hear. He had to get to Kelsey. The thought of her being ill tortured him. He was tense during the drive and sighed with relief when he turned onto Edgeway Street.

Kelsey's car was parked out front. He killed the engine and burst through her gate. He rang the bell, then stood there with his hands in his pockets and his heart racing.

Maeve opened the door. "What are you doing here?" Her eyes blazed. She clearly knew what had transpired.

"I'm here to see Kelsey." He pushed past her and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time.

Maeve followed, but he had opened Kelsey's door and closed it behind him before Maeve could enter. She didn't go in after him.

Kelsey lay on the bed, looking small. Her nose was red, her face pale, and she was coughing every few seconds. "Are you okay?" He paused. He didn't approach the bed just in case she threw something at him. "I was at The Cooking Academy, and Clara told me you weren’t feeling well."

"I’m not," she said, her voice hoarse but controlled. "But it’s just a cold." She coughed again. "What are you doing here, Shaun? You're not supposed to care, remember? You only wanted my body. So why the hell are you here?"

Shaun moved forward then, and knelt down on the floor next to the bed. He took her warm hand in his. "I need to talk to you. I went to The Academy because there's something I want to tell you." He couldn't shake off the past, but maybe, just maybe, the past and the future could learn to live side by side. "Kelsey, I was wrong. I've been wrong all this time. I lied to myself and I lied to you. I don't want just small moments with you. I want more time. I want to sleep in your bed at night. And I want you in mine. Please, I want to ask you if we can start again. If we can do this the real way."

Kelsey blew her nose and looked at him. "I don't understand, Shaun. You made it clear you didn’t want a relationship with me or anyone else. I don't get it. Do you want to give me a chance now and then snatch it away when I get too close?"

He ran a hand over his brow. "No, I want the opposite. I want you close. But right now I want you to get better so we can talk about this."

"She doesn't want you." Maeve's voice came from behind the door. "She's not a prostitute, Shaun. She's done with you."

Ignoring Maeve, Shaun turned back to Kelsey. "Is that what you want? Do you really want me to go?"

Kelsey licked her cracked lips and blinked. She glanced at Maeve and then back at Shaun. "No," she said. "No, I don't."

 

CHAPTER NINETEEN

 

"I think you're crazy," Maeve said to Kelsey three days later. "I can't believe you let him back into your life so easily."

Kelsey shook her head. "I can't raise a baby on my own. He's the father. I need him."

"Frankly, I don't think he's father material. I'm sorry. He's hot and everything, but he's only good for a one-night stand. Look how he treated you over the last few weeks."

Kelsey lifted her cup of tea to her lips. "I was at fault too. In fact, I broke the rules. He told me from the start that he didn't want a relationship. And I still fell in love with him."

"What right did he have to give you any rules in the first place? You can’t help who you fall in love with."

Kelsey drained her cup. "If it weren't for the baby, I might think differently. But right now, I'm doing what I feel is right. I don't want to deprive my child of his or her father. I don't think that's fair."

Maeve took their cups to the sink and rinsed them out. "You've decided then?" she asked, her tone softer. "You are definitely keeping the baby?"

"I definitely am." The idea of being a mother terrified Kelsey to the core, but she was starting to feel excited too. Like a whole world was opening itself up in front of her.

Maeve leaned forward. "I think you'll make a great mother. Did you tell him the good news?"

Kelsey bit her lip. "I couldn't."

"You spent the weekend together and you couldn't tell him?"

"I'm not ready to yet. I'll wait until... I don't know. I just want to wait a bit."

"You want to wait and see if you can trust him to stay, if he really wants to be with you."

Kelsey shrugged. "Maybe." So far, he'd shown more affection to her than she was used to expecting. He’d spent the whole weekend at her place, taking care of her while she was ill.

"Fair enough." Maeve returned to the kitchen table. "Well, if you ever need anything, you know where to find me. I'm here for you."

Kelsey hugged Maeve. "Thank you for being such a good friend."

Maeve pulled back. "For now, you need to forget about all the decisions you have to make. Just relax for one night. How about we stay in and watch movies and order in Chinese?"

Kelsey smiled. "That would be perfect."

 

CHAPTER TWENTY

 

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

Carmen woke up screaming from one of her nightmares. Two in the morning and Shaun could do nothing but hold her, illuminated by the moonlight spilling into the room.

Nightmares plagued her almost every night now. Sometimes it took hours to calm her down.

Shaun didn't mind. He was there for her, and even if he was exhausted from working long hours and waking up in the middle of the night, he would always sacrifice his comfort for hers.

Tonight, she lay in his arms, crying, as she usually did after a bad dream, after waking up to find she still couldn't see, that she still had cancer. She told him that sometimes before she went to bed, she prayed that when she woke up, a miracle would have happened and her health would be restored. But it had been two months, and after lots of tests, the source of Carmen's cancer was still unknown. Last week, they’d discussed their treatment options. The team of oncologists, doctors, nurses, and psychologists explained the possible benefits and risks, as well as the side effects of each option. Although Carmen could decide on treatment, in spite of the cancer being of unknown origin, the oncologist was honest about the grim reality. Her cancer was so advanced that treatments like chemotherapy and radiation might lead her to suffer more side effects than benefits. Aside from treatment, the other option was palliative care to help control the symptoms as the cancer took over her body.

After a lot of crying and indecision, Carmen had decided not to seek treatment. Instead, she would live on painkillers to help ease the pain as they waited for the inevitable to happen. The doctors told them it would take six months to a year.

"Shaun?" Carmen whispered as she clutched his t-shirt. "I know there's still five months left before our wedding anniversary, but I want us to celebrate early...in a month." She paused. "Just in case..." she trailed off, unable to say the words.

Shaun swallowed hard. He wanted nothing more than to forget the day they got married. But as much as it had been the worst day of his life, it had also been his happiest. How do you forget a day like that? Do you just erase it from your memory, so you don't have to choose between smiling and crying? He wanted the good memories, but they came handcuffed to the bad, and he had no key.

The mere thought of traveling back in time to that night filled him with dread. If he had the choice, if it were at all possible, he'd scratch that date off the calendar and pretend it never existed. What was there to celebrate? The loss of her sight? The fact that she was probably dying even then?

"I want us to celebrate at the Lux," she continued. "Just like we planned to on our wedding night."

Shaun looked at his wife in disbelief. The past months had been so hard on both of them. How could she want to be reminded? "Baby, are you sure? We don't have to—"

"I want to. I want to have a wonderful night with you. As if nothing bad had happened. And then in the morning, I want you to give me my present." She turned her head and tears pooled in the hollow of her ear. She was crying and smiling at the same time. His heart broke.

Shaun brushed the damp hair from her face. "Anything. Anything you want, baby. I’ll get it for you."

"Promise?" Not for the first time, she looked at him intensely, as if she could see him. Her sparkling eyes were so clear, so beautiful, so electrifying, even as death lurked behind them.

He smiled, surprised that his facial muscles remembered the motions. His insides had been shredded to the point of no return, piece by piece, until almost nothing remained. Maybe one day, he'd be hollow inside.

"I promise. Anything."

"Please make it stop." Her voice was a splinter in the night.

Shaun sat up. "Sure, sweetheart. Stay here. I'll get your meds."

His body made of lead, Shaun trudged to the door. Before he could turn the handle, he heard her whisper something. "What, baby? Should I get you something else?"

"Come to me." The strength and determination in her voice took him by surprise. "I want you to make it go away."

Shaun went to her side of the bed and clasped her frail hand in his. "That's what I want to do, sweetheart. I thought you had pain. I'll just—"

"I do. But the meds don't work anymore. They never worked." She struggled to sit up, wincing. "I can't do this anymore. I want it to stop. Please make it stop, Shaun."

How could he help his wife without medication? He ran a hand through his hair. "Okay." He tightened his hands around hers. "Okay. We'll see the doctor on Monday. We'll ask him to change your meds to something even stronger."

Carmen laughed, so low and sharp it stabbed him in the gut. "I have more than physical pain, Shaun. The meds don’t help the pain of losing my sight. The doctor can't take away the pain of fear." She wiped her cheek. "I want to die, Shaun. That's what I want for our pretend anniversary."

Something inside Shaun's chest broke apart. He pressed his trembling lips together and let go of her hands. He moved to the window and looked out into their garden. She wanted to leave him. They didn't have much time left, but he'd give anything to keep her with him until the very last moment. "How can you think about death as an option? I know you're going through hell, but I can't do that. I can't... I can't." He massaged his temples. "You can't mean it."

"I know what I'm asking you to do is difficult. But please understand. I can't live like this. It hurts for me just to breathe. I'm going to die anyway. I want to die while I still have a little dignity left. I don't want this disease to destroy me completely."

Shaun went back to the bed and held her face between his hands, tipping it up so he could look directly into her blind eyes. "I cannot do that. Carmen, we can get through this. Maybe they'll find the source of the cancer before it kills you." He scrambled for the words to change her mind. He needed her too much to let her go. He had already lost so much of her. Losing her completely—and by choice—he couldn't bear thinking about.

She wet her lips. "I don't want to manage anything." She sniffed and pulled away from him, buried herself under the covers, and sobbed. "I'm not strong enough. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying to live, fearing death. If you love me, you'll do it. You'll help end the pain before it kills me."

Shaun curled up next to her, holding her tight, wishing that holding her would keep her together. He wept for her, his tears drenching her once beautiful hair. He cried because his heart was breaking, his whole body, his whole life. He cried because he had already lost her. He had promised to do everything for her, to make it all better, but how far could he go? He promised to take away her pain, to give her comfort, to heal her if he could. What if helping her die was the only option?

 

BOOK: To Love
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