To Love (9 page)

Kelsey tapped her heels on the pavement as she scanned the river of people for Delia's unmistakable red hair. She spotted her friend at the door of their favorite steak restaurant in the city center, and weaved through the crowd to meet her.

Delia, who was wearing a beige shirtdress and espadrilles, was busy searching for something in her large leather tote bag. Finding anything in any of Delia's handbags would always be an impossible task. All of them were large, and filled with interior design magazines among other miscellaneous items.

"Looking for something?" Kelsey asked.

Delia looked up at her friend and smiled. "I can't find my phone. I wanted to give you a call."

"Get a smaller bag."

"Give up trying to convert me."

Kelsey flashed Delia a knowing smile. "I rest my case."

"You should." Delia kissed Kelsey on both cheeks. "Sorry I couldn't meet yesterday. I had so much to do at the office."

Kelsey slung her arm around her friend's shoulders. "That's all right. I got us a reservation."

Inside the restaurant, they were directed to a booth upstairs. A waiter with biceps so big they strained around the sleeves of his white shirt took their order. He winked at Delia, who winked right back.

"You never miss a chance, do you?" Kelsey asked.

"I can look, can't I?"

"You’re doing more than looking; you’re practically salivating!"

Delia laughed and unfolded her napkin. Then she leaned forward, her eyes darkening. "It's been a week since you got back from Dreara. How are you coping? Are you okay?"

Kelsey sighed and forced a smile. "I will be. You know, it would never have worked with Shaun. Our lives are too different, and we’re from different countries."

Delia shrugged. "Some long-distance relationships do make it, you know?"

"Very few. Ours wouldn't have. It was already too unstable."

Delia leaned forward. "How about the baby? How are you coping with the loss?"

Kelsey shrugged. "It's funny to miss something I never had, but it gets a little bit easier every day. Mostly I try not to think about it." Kelsey lifted her glass of wine. "This is to the future."

"To the future." Delia took a sip. Then, placing the glass back down, she looked at Kelsey seriously. "I'm glad you're okay. And while I've never liked your father much, I'm glad he made it through the heart attack too."

Kelsey squeezed Delia's hand. "Thank you." She paused and smiled. "Speaking of my father, guess what he did?"

Delia narrowed her eyes. "Is it something that will change my mind about him?"

"Remember how he had forbidden me from becoming a cook?"

"How could I forget?" Delia sipped her wine.

"Well, this morning at breakfast he gave me a present. A key, actually."

"Okay..."

"You won't believe this, but the key is to a restaurant. A restaurant he bought me."

Delia put down her glass of wine. "Are you serious? What's happened to your father?"

"Looks like the heart attack made him see things in a new light. I still can't believe he did that. I'm not even a chef. I quit my cooking course."

"But you learned enough to know how not to burn water."

Kelsey laughed. "That's right. But I'll hire some trained chefs to do the cooking, and I'll take care of the business side of things."

"Sounds like a plan. Something to keep you busy."

"Definitely. I’m going to get started with the renovations next week."

"Let me know if there's anything I can do."

"There is. I want you to be my interior decorator."

"Well, I'm honored, sweetie." Delia squeezed Kelsey’s hand, and then turned her eyes to the waiter, who was clearing a table. "Geez, you'd think they were slaughtering the animal right there in the kitchen. I have a meeting in thirty minutes." She picked up her bag and searched for her phone again. Miraculously, this time she found it within seconds.

Ten minutes later, their food finally arrived. Kelsey’s peppered steak and baked baby potatoes were well worth the wait. While they ate, they talked about Kelsey's vision for the restaurant and then moved on to Delia's blooming relationship with her boss, who she'd been chasing after for years.

"Some people are meant to be together," Kelsey said, truly happy for her friend. "You deserve to be happy."

"So do you. And you
will
eventually find the right man for you."

"I don’t know. Right now I’m taking it one day at a time."

Kelsey pulled herself up in bed and was struck by what felt like a bolt of lightning to her abdomen. She fell back against the pillows, panting and gripping her stomach. Why was she getting these abdominal pains? She’d had backaches, too. The first pain came a week ago, on her way back from lunch with Delia. There had been several more since then, but she'd ignored them; she was too busy attending frequent meetings with painters, gardeners, plumbers, and electricians—the people who were making her dream of owning her own restaurant come true.

She was determined to keep herself as busy as possible until Shaun became nothing more than a blurred memory. Instead of feeling sorry for herself, she was focusing on rebuilding her life, just the way she wanted it. She'd spent two wonderful weeks with her father, bonding with him again after all the years they'd lost, but today, she intended to move back into her old apartment.

Once the pain subsided, she showered and got dressed. She was just about to leave her room to go down for breakfast when her phone rang. She smiled when she saw who was calling. "Maeve,” she said, putting the phone to her ear. “What a lovely surprise."

"You sound well," Maeve said. "Seems like you're healing just fine."

Kelsey sat down on the bed. "I'm working on getting there."

"Well, maybe I shouldn't have called, then. I don’t want to set you back."

Kelsey's heart sank. This obviously had something to do with Shaun. "Tell me," she said, bracing herself. Any news about him and Branna would bruise her a little, but she was curious. "What is it? They're officially a couple, aren't they?"

"No." Maeve paused. "He came by the salon a few days after you left. He asked for your number."

"Why? He has my number."

"Apparently his phone broke and he lost his contacts."

Kelsey swallowed. So that was why he hadn't called. "Did he say why he wanted to get in touch with me?"

"I guess he wondered what had happened to you, why you didn't return to Dreara. I thought you'd officially broken things off with him."

"I couldn't. I was too hurt. I just wanted to get away. I had no time for excuses."

"I think you did the right thing." But Maeve wasn’t quite convincing.

"...but?"

"He seemed tortured. Desperate. I know I'm not a romantic at heart, but I think he does feel something for you."

"Are you sure this is Maeve speaking?"

Maeve laughed. "I'm wondering the same thing. You know how I feel about relationships, and I think what Shaun did to you is terrible, but I thought you should know. What you do with the information is up to you."

Kelsey sighed. "Thanks, Maeve."

"So, what are you going to do?"

Kelsey pressed a hand against her lower back, which was starting to ache. "You know what, Maeve? I'm tired. The problem wasn't only him cheating on me." She shook her head. "It was just too exhausting trying to reach him. He's not ready to move on from his past."

"There's something else you should know."

"What's that?"

"The same day he came to see me, he also left Dreara."

"Did he return to the U.S.?"

"I don't think so. My father said he wanted to explore the rest of Ireland before going back to the States."

"Well, I guess he decided to move on as well. It's so nice of you to call, Maeve."

"Great hearing your voice. Do come back to visit sometime."

"I will," Kelsey said. She meant it. Now that Shaun was no longer there, she had no reason to stay away.

Shaun stepped out of the shower and walked back into the bedroom, drying his hair with a towel. As soon as he’d gotten dressed, the doorbell rang.

He didn't bother looking through the keyhole. He'd ordered breakfast to his room thirty minutes ago.

"What's up, little brother?" said the man at the door. Apart from his hair being much darker than Shaun’s, they looked like twins.

"What the fuck?" A grin spread across Shaun's face, and he hugged his brother, thumping him on the back. "Garrett, what are you doing here?"

"Last time we talked you sounded like you needed someone by your side. And I could use a holiday."

"Come in, come in. I can't believe you came all this way, man." Shaun stepped aside. "Where's your luggage?"

"In my room. I didn't want to impose on you, just in case you had a lady here."

Shaun sat down on the bed. "I'm not interested in women at the moment."

Garrett remained standing. He crossed his arms on his chest. "Except one, am I right?"

Shaun nodded. "Kelsey. I have to find her, man. Pushing her away was the biggest mistake of my life."

"That's why I'm here, to help you find her. This woman really got to you. Are you prepared to tell her everything that happened?"

Shaun rubbed a hand over his face and nodded. "I'll do anything it takes." He stood up and went to slap his brother on the back again. "I can't believe you're here. Why didn't you say anything?"

"I wanted to surprise you." Garrett removed his suit jacket and tossed it on the couch. He sat down next to it. He always wore formal clothes; dressing down for him meant not wearing a tie with his suit. Sometimes he did wear jeans with a shirt, but never with t-shirts.

"You're staying here on one condition," Shaun warned. "You're here as my brother, and not as my shrink."

Garrett raised his hands in surrender. "Whatever you want, little bro. I just want to be here for you. I need to take care of something in my room. Let's meet downstairs in the restaurant. I'm famished."

"Great."

Garrett left, and Shaun called room service to cancel his order. Ten minutes later, they were sitting in the restaurant, loading up their plates at the buffet, while Shaun filled Garrett in on his plans to find Kelsey.

He still needed to figure out where to begin the search, but Saulery was not a large city. Maybe luck would be on his side, and he'd just bump into her on the street.

"Okay, so where in Saulery do we start?" Garrett asked, scooping bacon onto his plate.

"His father owns and works at Glocal COM. We'll start there. Maybe she went back to work for him."

"What if she didn't?"

"Then I might need to have a chat with her old man, without giving away who I really am, of course. I heard he packs a mean punch."

"Are you that serious about this girl? Do you, you know, want to marry her one day?"

Shaun ignored Garrett's question as he weaved his way through the other tables to get to theirs. He hadn't thought about that yet. No doubt he wanted Kelsey in his life, but he wasn't sure about marriage. The idea of marrying again sucked the air out of his lungs.

Garrett sat down and looked at Shaun seriously. "It's just that, before you talk to a man as powerful as Aidan O'Neil, you might want to think about it." Garrett smiled as he picked up his fork. "He could ask you about your intentions with his daughter."

Shaun rubbed his chin and sighed. "Then I can't talk to him until I've run out of options."

EIGHT YEARS EARLIER

The hotel room was decorated just as Shaun had requested. Crystal vases of roses—Carmen's favorite flowers—were placed around the room. She would not see them, but she would be able to smell them. Country music played softly in the background, and a round table stood in the middle of the room, covered with a crisp white cloth, on top of which were sparkling crystal glasses and plates, and a large bouquet of white roses.

Shaun led Carmen to the bedroom and sat her down on the bed. In her lap, he placed the box he had brought home earlier. Just as he lowered it onto her lap, Carmen's phone started ringing. Shaun reached for it.

"Don't answer it," Carmen said. "Let's make this night ours alone."

"Are you sure? It's your mother."

Carmen's face clouded over for a moment, but cleared again almost immediately. "I'm sure."

Shaun tossed the phone on the bed. "Just make sure to call her back later. It could be important."

Nora was aware of their plans for the night, so she wouldn't disturb if it weren't important. But Shaun put away the phone as Carmen asked and concentrated on them. He had the feeling tonight would be a turning point, and he didn't want to miss a single second.

He kissed Carmen on the forehead. "Open the box. There's something inside for you."

Carmen bit the corner of her lip as her fingertips traced the edges of the box, and then she ran the palm of her hand over its surface. Her touch wandered to the middle of the box and traced the engraving:
D.L.
, for Doris Lay, her favorite boutique. She hadn't been there since before the accident; she didn't feel beautiful inside anymore, and wearing luxury clothes wouldn't change that.

Shaun lowered himself next to her and laid a hand on her back, moving his palm in circular motions. For a moment he feared she might refuse to open the box—reject his gift and ask him to return it. The receipt was in his pocket, just in case. But he had to try to help her find another slice of happiness. "You're the most beautiful woman I've ever met. Nothing will ever change that." Shaun kissed her again.

"I find that hard to believe." A smile touched Carmen's lips as she lifted the lid, her eyes closed. "But I won't argue with you." She sighed as she placed a hand on top of the silky folds of the dress. She lifted it out and placed the box next to her on the bed. Laying the dress on her lap, she smoothed out the folds. Her brow wrinkled when her fingers brushed the sequin-encrusted bust. Her eyes opened and she felt around the whole dress. "Is this... No." Her lips trembled. "How?"

"It was your favorite dress." Shaun had had the gown made for her. It was the dress she wore the day he asked her to marry him, the dress she had lost when their suitcases went missing on a trip to Hawaii. Doris Lay had since stopped producing it. Shaun had to jump through a lot of hoops, and he’d spent a lot of money to get them to make one last gown of that design. "I thought you might want something special to wear tonight.”

A tear slid down her cheek and plopped onto the fragile material, turning the affected part a darker shade of brown. "This is... This is..."

Shaun gathered her into his arms and buried his head in her neck, cradling the back of her head with his hand. "I know what you want to say. I love you, Carmen Brannon. I'll do anything for you." The dress was a simple gesture, but Carmen was the type to hold on to memories. She cherished each one of them. In fact, in her old apartment, she'd had a room she called “The Room of Memories,”
which was filled with souvenirs from her life—clothes, cards, postcards, jewelry. Shaun used to wonder if she was scared of forgetting her life, or losing it.

In a way, both of those things had happened after the accident. She still had the memories she'd made as a child and young adult, the memories she'd cherished, but the ones she made following the loss of her eyesight and the deadly diagnosis were ones she refused to keep. Nevertheless, Shaun had designated a room in their home just for her memories, with shelves, glass boxes, bottles, and containers to accommodate all the memories she had already accumulated.

Last month she had entered the room and had a meltdown, which resulted in her destroying most of her things—breaking the breakable ones, and tearing, cutting, and snipping the rest. The next morning, Shaun started restoring what he could, but some were beyond repair.

On many occasions, he wondered if all that was left of Carmen were pieces, and if the real her was lost forever, too. Despite the signs, he'd refused to accept it. He was determined to help restore what was left of her old self. No matter how long they still had together.

"It's the best present ever. Thank you." Her shoulders shook as he held her.

Shaun let her weep until all she could do was hiccup. Then he broke the embrace. "Want to try it on?" he asked.

Carmen smiled, and for a moment Shaun forgot that she was blind. Every smile opened a window to her old self, the happy and carefree woman he had once known.

"Does it look exactly the same? The color?" She wiped the tears from her cheeks, looking expectantly up at him with unseeing eyes.

"Every bit of it." His voice caught. "I want to see you in it. Will you wear it for me?"

Carmen shook her head, her long black hair swinging like a rich curtain. "Not yet. I have to show you my present first." She felt around her on the bed. "My cane?"

Shaun handed it to her and helped her to her feet.

"Can you find my handbag?"

Shaun looked around for it. Carmen’s handbag was large and bright red—hard to miss. He couldn't remember bringing it in from the taxi. "I don't see it here."

Carmen shrugged. "We must have forgotten it at home or in Mom's car." She laughed, and the sound rang so clear it soothed him. "Well, there goes my surprise."

Shaun reached out for her and lowered her onto his lap. "You can tell me about it. I can try to visualize it." He whispered into her ear. "Is it the kind of thing I always want on our anniversaries?" He gave a mischievous grin.

"What else?" Carmen traced his jaw with her fingers, sending pleasant shivers down his spine. "I know it's been a while since we... I thought tonight..."

Before she could finish talking, Shaun tipped her to the side and lowered his lips to hers. She didn't resist. Her warm mouth opened and he tasted her, bringing her back to them. As he tightened his arms around her, refusing to let her slip away, he wondered why she was not wincing from pain. Sometimes a single touch could awaken the dormant pain, which attacked her every few hours, every day.

Maybe the new pain medication the doctor had prescribed two days ago was working.

He shoved these thoughts aside and enjoyed his wife; he was aching for her so bad he thought his hardness might burst through his pants. They kissed as if they had only just discovered how good it felt.

They kissed, moaning, until any thoughts or worries inside Shaun's head had turned to mush, until the world stopped turning, and he forgot what had happened to them, what awaited them. Until she pulled away.

"Don't stop," he begged, breathless. "Please."

Carmen rose. "I have no plans of doing so. I want you just as much as you want me." She lifted an eyebrow. "That rock inside your pants needs softening."

They both laughed. Slowly, Carmen opened the buttons of her dress and let it fall to the floor.

Shaun bit his bottom lip and lay back on the bed, resting on his elbows. "I love what I see." He prayed that this time they made love, she wouldn't cry. And he wouldn't feel like an ass for hurting her.

Carmen removed her bra and her round, full breasts were released, driving Shaun out of his mind.

With her face turned toward him, she slipped a finger into the elastic of her panties, ignoring her protruding hip bones, and lowered them down her hips.

Shaun sat up and unbuckled his belt. His eyes didn't leave Carmen's body; he swept her with his gaze, from her beautiful face down her graceful neck, over her perfect breasts, down her flat stomach, and rested at the small triangle between her legs. He yearned for her so badly he had to force himself to be patient, so as not to ruin it. She was reaching out to him, to them, and he would not mess it up.

Finally, the panties pooled at her feet and she stepped out of them, and took a few timid steps toward the bed. She knew she was going in the right direction, and if not, he'd steer her. She never needed her eyes to see him.

He stood up to unzip his pants and remove them, but Carmen pushed his hands away and did it for him. Then she pulled his t-shirt over his head. Once they were both fully naked, standing face-to-face, breathing heavily in the quiet room, she took his hand and they lowered themselves onto the bed.

Under the covers, they took their time rediscovering each other, relearning the paths they once knew so well and had almost forgotten. He kissed every inch of her, taking everything she wanted him to have.

When he thrust into her, she screamed out, her voice loaded with passion. Each gentle thrust was a promise that all would be well, that they could overcome even the worst sentence fate handed them. This, what they had now, what they felt, was worth living for. And when their world shattered, she clung to him as if he were a parachute that would stop her from falling too fast.

Spent and weak, they lay in each other's arms, bodies sleek with sweat, hair damp and flat against their heads, their breathing ragged. As he stroked her hair, a smile spread across his face, but froze when he felt her tremble. He looked down and lifted her chin. Pearly drops clung to her eyelids This time his heart splintered.

He cupped her chin with his hand, unable to breathe. "Baby... hey, I'm so sorry. Did I hurt you?"

She bit her lip as sobs racked her body, and then she swallowed. "I wanted this. I wanted this... I wanted you so bad. But it hurts. Everything hurts. It never stops."

"The whole time you were hurting? Why didn't you say anything?" Anger seeped through the cracks in his voice. "Why did you let me hurt you?"

"It's our anniversary," she whispered. "I didn't want to let you down."

Shaun kissed her face, kissing away the tears. "Baby, you can never let me down. Never. I would have waited. For you, I'd wait forever. I'll get you some water." He pushed back the sheets but before he could swing his legs out of bed, she gripped his arm so hard he wondered where she’d gotten the strength. He gazed down at her and a glimpse of the suffering she'd endured over the past months shone in her eyes. The pain. The loss. The surrender.

"Please help me, Shaun. It’s too much." She curled into a fetal position, eyes closed. When she opened them again, they were shining with tears. "I can't..." Her voice shook along with her body. "I love you, but I can't do this anymore. I tried." Her hand dropped from his arm and landed next to his thigh.

Shaun ran a hand down the side of his face, his heart snapping in two. "Baby, you can do this. We can do this together." He leaned down and planted a kiss on her hot and sticky forehead. "I'll call the doctor. I'm sure we can still start some kind of treatment. Even if they don't know where the cancer came from, we could still try chemo...just in case. Please."

Carmen shook her head weakly. "No. I don't want to go through that if it’s not going to heal me. I don't... Please." She was sobbing now and curled up into a ball, her body shaking so hard Shaun feared it might break apart in front of his eyes. "Help me, please." She was shivering now too, as though suddenly cold. Her whole body shuddered.

Shaun swallowed the hot lump in his throat and lowered himself next to her. He held her. What more could he do?

He rocked and cooed and kissed her. "What do you want me to do, my love? How do you want me to help you?" As soon as he said the words, he regretted it. He knew the answer, but still he prayed with every inch of his being that she wouldn’t say it.

"I want to die." She whispered the words into his chest. "Let me go, Shaun."

He broke down then, both of them crying for everything they had lost and would never get back, and everything they still stood to lose. He wanted the same thing she wanted. In that moment, as he imagined a life without her, he wanted to die too. Without Carmen, he'd have nothing to live for.

Carmen's sobs were relentless, and Shaun felt he was falling into unknown depths. "I can't do it,” he said. “The pain will go away."

Even as he said this, he realized he would never know exactly how much pain she dealt with every day. The only pain he had experienced up to now was hers, secondhand. The pain she rubbed off on him when he held her. How could he know how it felt to live in darkness when you had once glimpsed the light?

And how could he know what it was like to live when you felt you didn't have anything left to live for? No matter how much he tried, he'd never know what his wife was going through, the extent of the pain that drove her to the edge of the cliff, made her want to jump, to surrender, to die. He loved her too much to see her suffer like this. He loved her too much to see her fall apart.

"Help me die," she begged. "I don't want to wait until the end."

Shaun wiped his eyes with the sheet and pressed his lips against her forehead. Did he have the right? No matter how much he wanted to free her from the pain, the hopelessness, did he have the right to help snuff out her life completely? But if he didn’t, and he let her chance at freedom slip by, would he be able to bear it? Watching her die every day, until she was nothing but a shell?