Too Many Secrets (4 page)

How embarrassing. They were acting like a couple of love-starved teenagers! As soon as they got into the house Jennie made an excuse to get away from them. “Thanks for the pizza, Michael,” she said with as much enthusiasm as a corpse. “I'd love to visit, but I've got to work on my algebra assignment.”

Jennie half-expected Mom to insist she stay downstairs and play a game or something, but she didn't. She and Michael just said, “Goodnight,” and walked arm in arm into the living room. A chill shuddered through Jennie as she watched them. Her mom really cared about the guy. Jennie only hoped Gram would come and talk some sense into her before it was too late.

Jennie grabbed a can of diet cola from the fridge and headed upstairs. Once in her room, she put Michael and Mom out of her mind and tried to concentrate on the note Gram had sent. She cleared off a spot in the center of her desk, laid the note down and stared at it. “What is she trying to tell me, God?” Jennie whispered.

She picked the card up and examined it from all angles. It was just an ordinary note card, with a couple seashells on the front and a brief note inside. The postmark on the envelope indicated it had been mailed two days earlier from Lincoln City, just a few miles from Bay Village, where Gram lived.

Jennie blinked and read the postmark again as she reached for the phone. Ryan answered on the first ring. “When did your mom talk to Gram?”

“What?”

“When did Gram call you and where did she call from?”

“I don't know. Why?”

“It could be important.”

“Hang on a sec and I'll ask Mom.” When he came back on the line he said, “Gram called about four o'clock. Mom said she didn't say where she was calling from but figured it was from Calgary. Gram said she'd been delayed and didn't want us to worry. What's this all about?”

“You're not going to believe this,” Jennie said, “but I'm holding a note that Gram mailed from Lincoln City on May twenty-fourth. That was two days ago.” Jennie read the note to him. “If Gram called you from Canada yesterday, what was she doing in Lincoln City the day before? If she was in Lincoln City, she would have just gone home … unless … Ryan, something terrible has happened to her, I just know it.”

“All right,” Ryan said as he cleared his throat. “Let's not panic. There's got to be a reasonable explanation.”

“There's an explanation all right, but I'm not sure how reasonable it is. No one can be in two places at once. Either Gram's been home or she's still in Canada.” Jennie picked up her diet cola and pulled the tab.

“Maybe she got as far as Lincoln City and had to go back.”

“Without calling us? No way.” Jennie flopped down on her bed and turned over on her stomach. “Besides, she told your mom she'd be in Canada a few more days.”

“You're right. It doesn't make sense.”

“I'm really scared, Ryan. What if Gram is in trouble? What if she's been kidnapped or something?”

“Tell you what. I'll make a run into town tomorrow. Maybe someone saw Gram at the post office when she mailed your letter. Could be that the letter was misplaced for a while. Maybe she sent it before she left for Canada.”

“I can't stand this.” Jennie jerked to her feet and paced. “I should be there. I could look around the house—see if anything is missing. I could talk to her friends …”

“There's no need. Sheriff Taylor and his deputy came by this afternoon asking questions about Gram. Kate must have asked them to check things out.”

“Did they find anything?”

“Nope. They figure she's still up north. I think they'll keep checking though—you know how Sheriff Taylor feels about your grandmother.”

“I know.” The sheriff and Gram had been good friends since she moved there. Jennie took a long drink and sighed. “What did they say about the answering machine?”

“I didn't tell them.”

“Ryan, it might be important!”

“Sorry. You're right, that was a dumb move. I'll call them tomorrow, but I doubt it will make any difference. Should I tell them about the letter she sent you?”

“No,” Jennie heard herself saying. “Gram sent me that note for a reason, and I don't want anyone to see it until I figure out what she's trying to tell me.”

“Maybe she just doesn't want anyone to know where she is. She could have sent the note, then called us to confuse everyone.”

A glimmer of light emerged from Jennie's dark, swirling thoughts. “No. For some reason she wants everyone to think she's still in Canada. But at the same time she must have wanted me to know where she really was. Do you think she wrote to me so we wouldn't be worried?”

“I don't know. This is like something out of a spy movie.”

“I know. It sounds far out, but do you think she could be working undercover with the police or something? She was a detective before she retired.”

They talked more about the possibility, and for the first time in two days Jennie began to relax. “If Gram is working on a case, maybe we'd better not do any investigating on our own.” Jennie thought about the note Gram had written. “Maybe she's telling us not to interfere unless something happens.”

“So you don't want me to talk to the sheriff about the answering machine, or check out the post office?”

“I guess not. Not yet anyway. If she
is
working on a case, I don't want to mess her up. Like my mom always says, ‘Things have a way of working themselves out if you give them enough time.' Be sure to call me if you hear anything.”

After hanging up, Jennie stripped and slithered into a flannel nightgown. When she'd gotten ready for bed, she tiptoed down the hall and peered over the railing into the living room. Michael was still there. The two of them were huddled on the sofa watching television. An ache started in Jennie's stomach and worked its way upward.

Mom's singing and the smell of bacon and cinnamon rolls greeted Jennie the next morning when she came down for breakfast. The sun poured into the kitchen, chasing away the shadows. Jennie tore off a piece of the warm sticky roll and stuffed it in her mouth. “Hmmm. These are great, Mom. What's the occasion?”

“I felt domestic this morning,” she said, hugging Jennie. “And Michael's coming over for breakfast later.” Before Jennie could reply, Mom changed the subject. “I'm glad you're up early. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to you alone.”

Jennie slathered butter and syrup over her pancakes and crammed a forkful into her mouth.

“I know my dating Michael is difficult for you to accept, but now that you've gotten to know him a little, what do you think?”

I think he's a jerk
. Because she wasn't in the mood to argue and because she wanted to live through breakfast, Jennie said, “He's okay, I guess. He has a nice car.”

Mom must not have been listening because she said, “That's good.” She sighed and gave Jennie a kind of dreamy look. “Last night he asked me to marry him.”

Jennie choked on her pancake. When she was finally able to breathe again, she gasped, “M-marry him? What did you tell him?”

“I said I'd think about it.” Mom calmly sat down next to Jennie and took a sip of her coffee.

“I can't believe you'd tell him that. You can't get married. You're still married to Dad.” He hadn't been declared officially dead and wouldn't be for two more years.

Mom either didn't hear her or didn't want to. She rubbed her thumb over the teddy bears on her mug. “I'm so torn.” She got up and poured herself another cup and sat down again. “I … I'm tired of waiting, Jennie. Gloria, my counselor, says I need to stop ‘chasing ghosts …'” Seeing the frown on Jennie's face, she stopped to explain. “Gloria says I need to bury the past and get on with my life.” Her eyes filled with tears. “I loved your dad, honey. But Michael is sweet and caring. I just don't know what to do.”

Jennie didn't know what to do either—or say. Everything had been going fine until her mother started seeing that counselor. Gloria was making a mess of things for everybody. “You know how you're always telling me not to rush into things. Maybe you should wait awhile. I mean … we don't even know him.”

“I'm not exactly rushing. Michael and I have been seeing each other for nearly two months.” She paused at Jennie's raised eyebrows and smiled. “I guess that's not very long, is it? It just seems like we've known each other forever.

“Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, we realized our relationship had grown beyond the friendship stage. I'd been so lonely, and Michael makes me feel … I don't know, alive.”

Does that mean Nick and I made you feel dead?
Jennie had been lonely too, but she wasn't about to go out and find a substitute father.

“I wanted you to meet him earlier,” Mom went on, “but I kept putting it off. I guess I was afraid of having to deal with everyone's reaction. Gloria got after me for that. Said I needed to be honest—with you—with the whole family. I should have told you about Michael right away, I am sorry. I've handled this badly.”

Jennie didn't know what to say, so she concentrated on her food.

“It wouldn't have made any difference, would it, Jennie? You'd still be upset.”

She was right about that, but Jennie didn't answer. Instead, she pushed away from the table and headed for the door.

“Come back here! You haven't finished breakfast. And I'm not finished talking.”

“I'm not hungry. I've heard enough.”

“Sit!”

For a split second, Jennie debated whether to keep walking. Unfortunately, her mother still had a tendency to use grounding to keep Jennie in line. She sighed and walked back to the table and sat down.

“I had hoped you'd be mature enough to understand. Jennie, please! Don't make this any harder than it is.”

“You're the one who's making it hard,” Jennie snapped back. “You're the one who's being immature. You said you'd love Dad forever. You said marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. We were doing okay …”

“Your father is gone. He doesn't live here anymore, and we've got to stop pretending. Can't you see that?”

Jennie folded her arms tight across her chest and stared at a bacon crumb on the plate.

“And, we were not doing okay, Jennie. We've been miserable … I was miserable. When Pastor John suggested I see a counselor, I did. I've made some serious mistakes with you and Nick, letting you hold on to the hope that your father was alive. He isn't coming back. He's gone. I've accepted that and said goodbye. You need to say goodbye too.”

“No!” Jennie wanted to get up and run. Or throw her dishes at the wall. Mom's words hung in the room like lead weights. “Why are you doing this? Why couldn't you leave things the way they were?” Jennie had barely finished the last sentence when something broke inside her. She pushed her palms tight against her eyes, but the tears squeezed out anyway.

Mom scooted her chair toward Jennie and patted her head. She always did that when Jennie was upset. It felt good being held by her again, like when she was little, but it made her cry even harder. Jennie didn't want to feel good. She didn't want to cry.

“Poor baby,” her mother crooned. “It's going to be all right. We're going to be all right. Gloria said it would be hard at first, but once you talk to her …”

Jennie did move then—fast. She jerked to her feet and sent the milk and coffee flying. Mom jumped up, grabbed a towel, and started mopping the table. Jennie turned away from her and ran.

“Jennie! Get back here!”

Jennie stopped at the doorway and turned to face her mother. “No way! I'm not talking to some dumb shrink. You shouldn't be seeing her either. She's turning you against Daddy. She might have brainwashed you, but not me.”

“Jennifer McGrady!” Mom yelled as Jennie ran out of the room. She caught up with her at the landing, grabbed her arm, and spun Jennie around. The strength in her mother's grip surprised her. “This attitude of yours has to stop, young lady. I love you, but I'm not going to allow you to run this family. I'd like nothing more than for you and Nick to accept and love Michael as much as I do. I'm willing to give you some time, but you need to know right now that if I decide to marry Michael, I'll do it with or without your approval.”

Her grip loosened and Jennie pulled away. Her mother's words followed her up the stairs. “You have an appointment with Gloria on Monday afternoon. You will be there.”

Over the weekend Jennie had taken Dad's things out three times and written him another letter. By the time Monday arrived, Jennie was ready to combat the shrink.

In the counseling office at church, Jennie talked to Gloria about school, how she loved taking care of Nick, and how well she and her mother usually got along. Since Mom had said that holding on to the hope her dad would come back was “unhealthy,” Jennie first told Gloria that she missed her father. She even said she could understand how her mom felt—which was a lie, of course. Jennie didn't think she could ever understand how Mom could turn against Dad and even think about marrying Michael.

Jennie didn't mention her box full of Dad's things or the letters. She didn't tell her about the plan to find him this summer. She was afraid Gloria would declare her a nut case. Near the end of the session Gloria tilted her head and leaned forward. “Losing your father has been hard for you.”

I haven't lost him
, Jennie wanted to argue.
He's still alive, I know it
. Aloud she said, “I'm doing okay.”

She smiled. “Yes, but from what your mother has told me, you both have some things to work out. I'd like to see you once a week for a while. We have several camps coming up this summer that are geared to help adolescents deal with grief issues.”

“I'm spending the summer with my grandmother,” Jennie said. The familiar ache began to spread through her again.
They wouldn't dare keep her from staying with Gram, would they? They'd better not
, Jennie decided.
If they try it, I'm leaving
.

“Your mother mentioned that, but I think we can still work some therapy in. In fact we have a camp beginning June first. We still have some spaces available. Why don't we sign you up?”

Jennie didn't like the idea of them talking about her, or making plans for her life, but she kept quiet.

By the time Jennie got out to the car, her hands were shaking so hard she could barely get the key into the lock. Something about the way Gloria had talked made her wonder if Mom would make her go to therapy instead of to Florida with Gram. She couldn't let that happen. Somehow in the next two weeks Jennie had to make them think she'd made a miraculous recovery. She'd go to the stupid camp if she had to—at least it would get her away from Mom and Michael for a week. By then Gram would be home for sure. They would go to Florida, and maybe Mom would forget about the counseling. Maybe, once Mom talked to Gram, she'd forget about Michael too.

Jennie hated lying, but she hated what her mother was doing even more. What else could she do? “Gram,” Jennie whispered, “I don't know where you are or what you're doing, but please come home. I
need
you.”

For the next couple of days Jennie almost stopped worrying. She had called the courthouse and discovered that as long as Mom was still legally married to Dad, she and Michael couldn't get married. Besides that, Mom had said she thought it was probably too soon to get married and that Nick and Jennie needed to get to know Michael better.

On Wednesday afternoon, Jennie let herself relax and even managed to have fun when Michael took her, Lisa, Kurt, and Nick to the amusement park.
I'm not selling out
, she told herself.
I just don't want to get into another big hassle with Mom
. Except for asking how the counseling session had gone with Gloria, they hadn't talked about Dad.

Mom talked a lot about Michael, though, and Jennie tried not to listen. And she tried not to notice how happy they were together or how much Nick liked him.