Torn (54 page)

I sat silently on my bunk,
completely torn as I watched the clock ticking toward phone privilege time.
What
the hell was I supposed to do?
Did I call her and let her know I wanted her
to keep fighting for me, or did I simply let her go? I’d made so many fucked-up
choices in my life, taken responsibility for others that were out of my
control, but hell, if this wasn’t the toughest fucking decision of my life.

Sky

“I’ll see you kids back home
later,” Mom called out of the driver’s window as we hopped out of her car.

“Uh-huh,” I nodded. “Thanks for
the lift.”

“Pizza takeout?” she asked, her
eyes angling for Josh’s, knowing it was his favorite.

“You know it, Yvette!” he
laughed. “God, I love you guys, you know me better than I know myself sometimes.”

“We love you too,
all
of
us,” Mom called, flashing a poignant stare at me and making me blush.

“We might be some time, Mom. I’ve
got to sign the paperwork and then go over the features.”

“No rush, I’ll bake up some of
those chocolate chip cookies you both love so much. You can have them when you
get in, then I’ll order the pizza so it’s fresh.”

We waved her off and I slipped my
hand into Josh’s, making sure I weaved my fingers between his as we walked over
to the dealership office. He raised his eyebrows as he looked down at me. Finger
weaving wasn’t the way we usually held hands. I just smiled at him shyly as he
swept the door open for me with his free hand.

“Sky Torres, I’m here to collect
my new car,” I advised the receptionist. She nodded and disappeared, then
returned with Pedro, the car salesman who’d taken all of my information,
including my hefty cash deposit, last week.

“Mr. Torres, welcome back,” he
greeted, extending his hand to Josh and totally ignoring me. I gaped at him in
astonishment while he pumped Josh’s hand up and down. “Your car is just being
polished up. Let’s take a seat to finalize the paperwork. Maybe your wife would
be happy to grab us all a drink while she’s waiting?”

“Actually!” I butted in, as Josh’s
shoulders started to shake while he tried to rein in his laughter. “
Miss
Torres will be signing the paperwork for
her
car, paid for by
herself
,
and her
boyfriend
will be coming over to keep her company. And thank
you, we’d love a drink. A bottle of water each, please, we’ll take a seat while
you
fetch it,” I stated as calmly as possible, while inside I was
fuming. Pedro turned his head to look at me in amazement. “Unless of course
that’s too much trouble, as I can always cancel and go to another dealership
who I’m sure would be more than happy to deal with me.”

“Miss Torres, I’m so sorry, I didn’t
mean any offence by it,” he stuttered.

“Apology accepted, but might I
suggest you check the paperwork before you make assumptions next time, since
you obviously don’t remember that it was me that you dealt with when I placed
the order and paid a large cash deposit. And just to be clear, that was from my
own account, from
my own
earnings.”

“Ermmm, yes, of course. Excellent
suggestion. Water, was it?” he asked, nearly tripping up in his haste to get
away from me.

“Actually, make mine a black coffee,”
Josh called after him.

“And pastries too, if that’s not
too much trouble,” I added, smiling sweetly as Pedro nodded his agreement and
hurried off.

“While I really want to high-five
you for that ballsy women-in-power display, and I
really
want to high-five
you, can we skip back to the whole ‘and her boyfriend’ part of the rant?” Josh
asked as his eyes ran back and forth across my face, searching for answers,
while his fingers gripped my upper arms, the tension as he waited for an answer
radiating off him.

“Was I not clear enough?” I
teased.

“Ok, I
need
you to be
clear,
seriously
clear, because right now I don’t know if you’re teasing
me,” he stated, his face never looking more serious.

“I’d never tease about something
like that, Josh.” I said quietly. My heart was pounding in my chest. Had I
really done it, had I really just let Nate go and decided to do this?

“Sky,” he groaned, relief
flooding his voice.

Standing in the middle of the car
showroom, he immediately clasped my face, his nostrils flaring as he looked
down at me, then crushed my lips with his as he took them in a punishing and
desperate kiss. I grabbed his biceps, surprised by the ferocity of his attack.
When I’d tried to picture Josh kissing me, it had been sweet and gentle, not
passionate and fiery, and I gasped in surprise. His tongue took advantage and
slipped straight into my mouth, and my heart started beating wildly.

Right as it bottomed out.

I was feeling nothing. Nothing except
for terror that I’d made a horrible mistake. My first kiss with Nate had been
electric, the memory of it was still emblazoned in my brain after all of this
time. I loved Josh, so why wasn’t I feeling anything? I
loved
him. My
heart sank even lower. I loved him. I
still
wasn’t in love with him,
even after I’d convinced myself this week that I was. And this kiss told me
that I’d never be.

I felt my eyes tear up as he groaned
throatily while he continued to kiss me. He was so happy that he hadn’t even
noticed I wasn’t kissing him back properly, that I was tensing up in his arms.
I’d so wanted to feel this. I’d been so sure I would. Or was it just that I was
sad, heartbroken, and lonely, and had panicked at the thought of losing him from
my life as well? If someone I loved as much as Josh couldn’t erase the
passionate fire I’d felt for Nate, no one ever could. He finally pulled away
when some other customers coughed and gave us the eye, and he laughed as he
gazed down at me.

“You have no idea how
happy
you’ve just made me, angel,” he whispered, brushing his lips over mine again. “It’s
like Fourth of July fireworks are going off and my heart’s just swelled so big
it could burst. Even winning the lottery would pale next to this. In fact, I’m
so happy that I need to go and use the bathroom,” he winked.

“Josh!” I exclaimed, my eyes
darting around to see if anyone had heard.

“I’ll be back in a while, think
you can handle the paperwork yourself? You are only a woman, after all,” he
grinned.

“I think I can handle him,” I
confirmed. It was how I was going to handle Josh that was my bigger concern
right now. He’d already chosen a pet name for me. Angel. I felt like I was
being ripped into two right now, Nate gripping one arm, Josh the other, and
when it was over, there’d be nothing left of me.

“Yeah, I think you’ve got it
covered,” he chuckled, planting a delicate and loving kiss on my forehead. “I
can’t wait to pick this up later,” he whispered. “It’s you and me forever now,
Sky.” He smiled at me, a smile that lit up the showroom, not just his face, then
he hurried off in the direction of the restrooms.

“Oh shit, Sky, what have you done?”
I whispered to myself as I went to take a seat.

I stared out of the window and
shook my head. I’d promised him, I’d promised him that if I agreed to this, I
was in it for life. I couldn’t break his heart now, and I didn’t want to break
his heart. Nate had given up his life because he loved me enough to put saving
me above himself. I needed to do the same for Josh. Only I wasn’t exactly giving
up my life. I was going to be spending it with my best friend in the whole wide
world, someone I couldn’t imagine my life without. That wasn’t a chore, it was
a blessing. Many happy marriages had been founded on less solid foundations
than what we had. Maybe the intense passion I’d felt with Nate was a one-off, a
once-in-a-lifetime thing. Or maybe I’d feel more as my new relationship with
Josh developed. I knew I’d never be unhappy with him, and I’d never want to
make him unhappy.
But Nate
. Was I really still not over him? God
damn
him! Right now I hated him. I hated him for leaving me, for breaking my heart
so badly, for not loving me enough to hold on to me, and for making me give up
on him. He’d done this to me. He’d made me a shell of my former self, and I
wasn’t prepared to do it to Josh.

Except I didn’t hate Nate, I
hated the whole damn situation I was in. The choices I’d made that had led me
here. I could never hate him. I could never hate either of them. I loved them
both. Still. But it was done now. The choice had been made. I’d made my
decision to say goodbye to Nate, and somehow I needed to find a way to tell him
that. I sniffed and quickly wiped a few stray tears from my eyes, then pulled
my phone from my purse as it rang.

“Hello?” I answered, knowing I
was going to need to kick myself back up into a happy mood before Josh realized
something was wrong. “Hello?” I repeated when there was no response.

I was about to terminate the
call, but something in my gut cried out to me not to. I felt all of the fine
hairs on the back of my neck stand to attention as the sound of my heart
beating echoed through my body and got louder and louder. It couldn’t be,
surely? No. Please no. Tell me not now? Not five minutes too late! Not when I’d
just committed to my decision. I shook my head.

I knew, deep in my heart,
I
knew
.

“Nate?” I questioned with a
trembling voice. “Is that really you?”

I waited, blood pounding in my
ears, not sure if it was better to have it confirmed. For him to give me the
sign that I’d asked for, to show me that he still loved me and he didn’t want
me to give up on him. Why couldn’t he just tell me, why couldn’t he be honest
and tell me how he felt, beg me to wait? But even if he did right now, what
good would it do? I’d already made a promise to Josh. I’d moved on, in body and
spirit at least. The thought crossed my mind that maybe this was genuinely a
misdial, someone calling my cell by accident. I could spend the rest of my life
thinking Nate really did still love me, when he actually didn’t. I was so
messed up right now.
Fuck!
For the second time in a week, I swore
silently.

“Hudson, either talk or put the
God damn phone down, there’s a line behind you!” an angry voice yelled in the
background. I gasped as I heard the line immediately click dead and my heart
shattered.

He still loved me.

He hadn’t given up on me.

I’d done it first, after I’d
promised not to.

I didn’t think it was possible to
have so much hate for myself as I did right at that moment.

Sky

“Hey angel, miss me?” Josh asked as he
rubbed the back of my neck and sat next to me, positively radiating with
happiness.

“I always miss you. It’s like we
must have been Siamese twins in another life, I never feel right when you’re
not around,” I stated sincerely, squashing down my anguish and putting on a
brave face.

“Hmmm, I like the idea behind it,
but not the fact that you’re comparing us to siblings. There’s nothing
brotherly at all about what I want to do to you later,” he whispered, kissing
my cheek. I smiled and squeezed his hand, grateful for the interruption of Pedro
as he carried over a tray with water, coffee, and pastries, as suggested, which
made Josh chuckle.

I finally scrawled my signature
on the last document and we followed Pedro out, with me sitting in the driver’s
seat as he crouched down next to me and talked me through the automatic gears
and various gadgets. Right now my crappy situation was overshadowed by the fact
that if I didn’t want to lose face after my little girl-power tantrum in there
earlier, there was no way I could hop out and let the guy watch Josh drive me
off the lot.

“Thanks again, Mrs. Torres,”
Pedro beamed as he shut the door for me.

“Miss Torres,” I corrected,
rolling my eyes at Josh as he tried to contain his laughter. I gave Pedro a forced
smile and did up the window. “Crap, crap. Now I have to drive away or I’ll look
like a complete idiot.”

“Deep breath, you’ve got this,”
Josh reassured me in that soothing voice that always calmed me down. “You
passed your test and you fly around the race track like you were born to speed.”

“A fake race track,” I uttered as
I put her into drive and gently put my foot on the accelerator.

“Hmmm, yeah, good point. Maybe
that’s why you’ve forgotten the parking brake and turn signal?” he laughed.

“Shit. I can’t handle all of this
pressure,” I pouted, as I quickly dealt with both issues to pull away. Like
driving wasn’t stressful enough, I’d just had my heart crushed in a vice and
was going to have to go and do the same to Nate’s, and I had no idea how.

“You just gotta drive across the
lot, out of sight of the dealership, and then you can stop at Dunkin’ Donuts
and we can swap, ok?”

“Thank you.”

“No problem,” he replied. I
cruised along slowly, my courage coming back a little, then coasted up to a
free parking spot and put my foot on the brake. “Holy shit, Sky,” he exclaimed
as he grabbed the dashboard when the car kept rolling forward toward the one in
front. I rammed my foot down and we jerked forward and then back, making us
burst out laughing.

“I’m sorry, I thought I’d pressed
hard enough. They’re obviously less sensitive than the one I learned to drive on.”

“Come on, let’s swap. The sooner
I get us back to your parents’ place, the sooner we can eat, then get home and
have mind-blowing sex.”

“Jesus,” I muttered as he leapt out
of the car. I was suddenly scared. What if sex with him gave me no reaction
either? Was I going to have to fake it for the rest of our relationship? I
unbuckled and flipped my legs over the center console, hitching myself over to
the other side as he slid into my vacated seat.

“You ok?” he asked with a frown
as we strapped in.

“I will be, just a lot of changes
today. I guess I’m nervous.”

“There’s no need to be. I know
I’m more experienced than you, and I obviously can’t wait to have sex with you,
but I will,” he added, reaching over to brush his fingers down my face. “If
you’re not ready and need to build up to it, we can take it slow. I don’t want
to scare you off.”

“
Josh
,” I whispered
softly. He was a good guy, just like Nate. Why did I have to love two men who
just happened to be brothers? I gazed out of the window as he pulled onto the
road, handling her with far more confidence than I had. I looked over at him
when he grunted as we hit the last set of lights before the final run up the
interstate to Boulder City. “Ok?”

“Hmmm, we need to get JT to take
a look at this on Monday, the brakes are a bit off.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’re not feeling like they
should.”

“So it wasn’t my fault we jerked
forward earlier?” I asked hopefully.

“Oh no, that was partly you,” he
laughed. “I managed to stop just now without jerking.”

“Only because you just did in the
dealership restroom,” I teased.

“Yes, I did, and I’ll keep doing
it until you’re ready.” He flashed me a reassuring smile, so I gave him a
grateful one in return.

I leaned over and fiddled with
the entertainment center, hooking it up to my iPhone and putting on some tunes.
I started singing along to a popular song by Nevada 6, a local band that formed
here in Las Vegas. Nate had even been friends with the hot lead singer, Sam
Michaels. It always relaxed me when I sang along to music. I interrupted the
music when we got closer to home and sent Mom a message to let her know that
we’d just passed Henderson and would be there soon.

“This is definitely going in,”
Josh grumbled. “We should have turned around and had the dealers check it,
they’re not right.”

“Well, it’s a brand new car,
everything should be in perfect condition. Are you sure it’s not you? You’ve
gotten so used to that worn-out old Mustang, I’m amazed you haven’t complained
at how comfy your ass is on my new plush seats.”

“There’s nothing wrong with my
Mustang,” he protested.

“You’re telling me that having to
pant out of the window like a dog when it’s hot is more preferable than my
nice, cold air conditioning system?”

“Air conditioning doesn’t suck,”
he begrudgingly agreed. “But when you take me to the drive-thru in this, am I
even going to be allowed to let the smell of fries permeate your new leather
upholstery? You’ll be so protective of it, we’ll have to eat in the parking lot
and have a shower before we climb back in.”

“I’m not protective!” I laughed,
relaxing even more as we eased into our comfortable banter.

“You say that now,” he replied. I
shook my head and looked out front, noticing traffic up ahead.

“Traffic.”

“I see it,” he replied.

“You sure? You don’t seem to be
slowing down.”

“No need to be a backseat driver,
angel.”

“I’m just nervous, it’s a new car
and I don’t want her scratched on her first day out. Josh, seriously, slow down,”
I warned, as the red taillights of the semi up ahead seemed to be speeding toward
us.

“I am slowing down, I’ve taken my
foot off the gas. Stop panicking,” he warned. I blew out a deep breath. Since
learning to drive, I’d become a nervous passenger, like I hated the loss of
control. “
Fuck!
No, no, no,” Josh yelled.

“What, what’s wrong?” I cried as
I turned to look at him, recognizing the sound of fear in his voice.

“The brakes, I’ve got no
fucking
brakes at all!” he roared, slamming his foot down repeatedly, my heart feeling
as if he was pounding his foot against it as well.

“Josh?” I heard the shake in my
voice as I turned to look ahead. All of the cars in front of us were stationary,
pretty much how my lungs suddenly became as we hurtled toward the back of the
huge truck. “Oh Jesus Christ, do something!” I screamed, somehow finding the
sense to slam on the hazards right as Josh rammed his hand onto the horn to
warn everyone.

“Look at me!” he yelled. “God
damn it, fucking look at me, Sky!”

“Josh,” I cried, blood roaring in
my ears as my whole body started to tremble, everything moving in slow motion. I
twisted my head to face his, our eyes locking, the fear obvious in his.

“We’ll be ok, because no one can
be as unlucky as we’ve been,” he whispered earnestly, right as I got the
weirdest sensation of the car doing a pirouette. “I
love
you,” he added,
sincerity filling his terrified face as his hand reached for mine, just as I
did for his.

“I lo–”

I was cut off by my body being flung
against the side of the car and my head cracking against something as the
horrific sound of crumpling metal and glass assaulted my ears.

“She’s coming around. Sweetheart,
can you hear me?”

“Jesus Christ, they’re still
alive?”

I groaned. Who the hell was that?
I didn’t recognize their voices. I coughed and winced. I could smell smoke and
the acrid scent of burning rubber, which made me want to hurl.

“Sweetheart, stay still. Help’s
on the way,” a female voice called.

“What?” I moaned. What help? What
was happening and why couldn’t I feel my legs?

“The guy’s not looking so great,
but I can’t get to him. And this doorframe is too buckled to open to check on
her,” the voice repeated, as I tried to pull myself out of my daze.

“It’s a miracle they’re still
breathing, well the girl at least. Any fire risk?” asked a deep male voice.

“I have no idea, but go and see
if anyone’s carrying an extinguisher and make sure everyone stays a good
distance back, just in case.”

“Josh?” I fluttered my eyelids,
feeling kind of spaced out. I managed to slowly open them to find myself
looking out of the passenger window. Where was the glass? And who the hell was
that staring in at me? She was pretty, with really kind eyes, but they looked full
of sadness.

“Hey, what’s your name?” she
smiled, looking like she was forcing it.

“Sky … Sky Torres,” I stated
slowly, fighting nausea and wondering why I could feel something warm and
sticky on my face.

“Sky, you’ve been in a bad car
accident. Are you in pain?”

“Accident?” I blinked at her a
few times, trying to remember what I was doing before I woke up, and suddenly took
a number of sharp, panicked, and labored breaths as I recalled us racing toward
the back of that monstrous truck.

“Hey, keep breathing, in through
the nose and out through the mouth, try to stay calm. Help is on the way and
I’m not going to leave you, ok? My name is Julia. Can you tell me where you’re
in pain?”

“I … feel sick and dizzy … I’m
not in pain, but I can’t … I can’t feel my legs. Why can’t I feel my legs?” I
asked, hearing the tremble in my voice.

“You’ve had a very bad accident,
it’s probably jolted some of your body out of kilter. The human body is
remarkable though, Sky. When something like that happens, it automatically
floods your system with adrenaline so you don’t feel the pain. I’m not a nurse,
but my husband’s a doctor and you pick up a few things. It’s a shame he wasn’t
in the car with me to help you. Why don’t you just keep talking to me until the
real heroes come and rescue you, ok? You were out of it for a while, so they
shouldn’t be long.”

“Josh. How’s Josh?” I went to
turn my head but she quickly reached in and gently palmed my cheek, stopping me.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea
for you to move.” She gave me a sad smile, and I drew in another harsh, labored
breath.

“He’s
dead
, isn’t he? That’s
why you won’t let me look, he’s dead!”

“I won’t let you look because you
might have a neck or spinal injury, and we don’t want to make matters worse.”

“If he’s dead, it can’t get any
worse,” I cried in anguish. “Josh? Josh? Talk to me. Tell me, just tell me if
he’s ok,
please
,” I begged.

“I don’t know if he’s ok because
I can’t get to him. Your car hit the back of a truck sideways and the driver’s
side is wedged against it.”

“Sideways?” I wasn’t sure that
made sense. She nodded, and I let my eyes drift over her shoulder, where I
could see a stream of cars lined up on the interstate facing me a short
distance away. People had gotten out of them and were watching me like I was
some kind of movie entertainment.

“Josh, Josh, can you hear me? Talk
to me.” I reached blindly with my left hand, ecstatic to finally find his. I
held it tightly and squeezed, feeling more scared than ever when I realized it
was hanging limply in mine. “You’re going to be ok, Josh, help’s coming. How
does he look? Please don’t lie to me,” I begged her.