Torn: Bound Trilogy Book Two (27 page)

Her jaw dropped. “It’s not about comfort! We’d have been more prepared for tomorrow, for whatever half-cooked plan you’ve got worked up. Yes, I’m angry that you tried to pry into my private thoughts. Anyone would be. But you have skills that would be a great asset to us on what happens to be the most important undertaking in the country right now, and you’ve refused.”

“It would have been wrong.”

She let out a derisive snort. “Since when has that been a problem for you or your family?”

“Innocent people could be hurt.”

“No one is innocent. Believe me.”

“I don’t want to be that person anymore.” How could she not see the value in that? The struggle? “You obviously hate my family. Your family, technically. Yet you mock me for turning away from them.”

She stood to pace back and forth at the other side of the fire. “And you obviously have your priorities confused. You’ve done this before, correct?”

“Yes.”

“It would benefit our cause. You could use this skill to get us fresh horses, better food, adequate bedding, weapons… and you didn’t because it would make you
feel bad?
”

Her words cut me. She said exactly what I’d been hesitant to think, had drawn my internal turmoil into the light, and I hated her for it. She spoke like my father, like Severn. I remembered the shock and pain I’d felt with Brother Phelun. The cost of my magic.

“It’s wrong,” I said, “no matter what the reason for it. Objectively.”

“Oh, what a load of…” She stopped her pacing and crossed her arms. “You know, this is the worst kind of self-indulgent stupidity. I shouldn’t have expected any better from a spoiled Luidite, but I’d heard you were this terrifying Sorcerer, powerful and ruthless, a fairy-tale monster. I disliked you on sight and haven’t found anything to like about you yet, but I thought you were at least the type of person who would be willing to do what had to be done.”

“What, so you can have your revenge?”

“Yes!” She paused, unclenched her fists. “But not only mine. This is bigger than me, or you.”

“I’m doing the best I can.” My mind felt like it was ripping in half. There was the Aren who wanted to rise above the evils of his youth, and the one who understood exactly what she was saying, who wanted to return to his old ways, but for a better cause.

“I didn’t think I had enough respect for you to be disappointed,” she added. “Apparently I was wrong.”

I found it difficult to unclench my teeth enough to speak. “I’ve spent my entire life living by my family’s rules, and they’re completely different from everyone else’s. I was taught that being loyal to my family and to whoever is in power is the most important thing in the world. So yes, I’ve always done what was necessary if it meant protecting my family. Anything to further our interests, even if it meant sacrificing my own happiness or the lives of others. I’m not there now, and I never will be again. Do you know what that leaves me with?”

“Please enlighten me.”

“Nothing. I know good people, but I don’t know how to be one of them. All I can seem to manage is to try not to hurt people, and you can’t even respect that.”

Gods, I’m pathetic.

“You’re not a better person for doing nothing,” she said. Her fists clenched again. “I don’t think I would have liked you if we’d met before, but at least you would have been interesting and potentially useful. I don’t know what you’re so melancholy about. You have incredible gifts you’re not using, and you think that makes you a better person? You’ve been given everything in life, and you’re wasting it. It’s disgusting. At this rate you’re never going to find your father, and you’re certainly never going to get rid of your brother.”

Cold calm descended over me.
Are you disappointed that I’m not the monster you imagined, Nox? You want to see the real me?
I pushed up from the log and stepped toward her.

“You don’t understand,” I said, clearly enunciating every word. “How could you? You don’t know anything about what it means to have real magic, to struggle with the power and the possibilities.” I smiled, cold and cruel. “You’re just a—”

“Don’t you dare say it.” Her hands trembled, and her cold eyes burned. “Don’t you dare.”

My smile widened. Hurting her felt good, as good as using my greatest skills had after months of disuse, as good as fighting. It felt like coming home after months away. “Don’t tell me you never think it. That you’re never jealous. That you don’t wish you had what I have.”

“I’d use it a hell of a lot better than you do if I had it.” Her eyes shone. Fear? Anger? Or had I wounded her so easily?

Without meaning to, I slipped into her mind. A flood of hatred hit me, along with terror, disgust, and pain. Shock, and a sense of betrayal, though she’d had no reason to trust me. I felt her frustration at having her plans thwarted, her burning need to destroy Severn, her disappointment in me. Beneath that, confusion. She was as shocked by her own words and attitude as I was by mine.

Kel had been right. I saw Nox as a haughty, taunting harpy, but it was an act. A defense.

I pulled back, but too late.

She drew a sharp breath. “You
never
do that to me. Do you understand?”

My elation at gaining the upper hand fled. I’d been running from my gifts for months. I’d wasted my time.

“I didn’t mean to,” I said. “I didn’t before, either, on the road.”

She backed away, toward where the horses foraged in the woods, and wiped the back of her hand across her cheek.

“Nox, please.”

She ran off as Cassia and Kel returned.

“What’s going on?” Cassia asked.

With my storm of anger subsiding, there was nothing left to fill me.
Perhaps that’s all I am, in the end.

I sank back down onto the log as Kel took the horses and went after Nox. Cassia sat beside me and tried to put her hands on me, but I pushed them gently away. “I think I’m in trouble.”

C
rashing
noises followed me through the trees. I’d thought Aren was more graceful than that.

“I’m not interested in talking,” I called back. Gods, that conversation had been a mistake. What was I thinking? I’d tried to project strength, to show I wasn’t intimidated by him, and had ended up angry. Disappointed at first, when I realized that he wasn’t going to be my path to taking Severn down. He was a monster, no doubt. Cruel. Heartless. Yet he was weak, unwilling to use the powers he had.

He’d called me a hypocrite. Untrue. I was simply determined to see my plan through, to let nothing stand in my way. It seemed I’d failed miserably in communicating that.

The footsteps came nearer. Hoofsteps, too. I pressed on until they caught up and a hand rested on my arm.

“Don’t touch me!” I spun to find myself not facing Aren, but Kel. I took a deep breath. Of course he’d be bringing the horses. “Sorry.”

“Are you leaving us, Nox?” He sounded concerned. Disappointed, maybe.

“I can’t stay with him. I don’t understand how you can. He looked into my mind. I felt it. He could have seen anything,
done
anything. I—” I stopped.

Gods, I
am
a hypocrite
. I’d as much as wished that on other people. I still thought it was a mistake for him not to use his gifts, but…
But what? Just not on me?

This wasn’t me. I helped people. Hadn’t I stayed in Arberg longer than I meant to, simply because they needed me? Apparently my compassion lasted only until it was at odds with my hate.

Even that realization didn’t dim my disappointment with Aren, or my aching need to bring Severn down, a need that seemed to grow each day. I crouched in the dirt and covered my face with my hands.

When I looked up, Kel was watching.

“Are you reading me now?” I asked.

“No. Do you want me to?”

I pressed the heels of my hands to my eyes for a moment. “No. I’m just wondering what you saw in me before. Why you said you liked me.”

“Because you have potential, I suppose, under this armor you’ve put on. You’re interesting. Perfect people are terribly dull.” We continued walking, and he left the horses with mine and Aren’s.

“I’ll be sorry to see you go,” he added.

“I’ll be sorry to leave you,” I said, and meant it. “Aren and I can’t work together, though. I tried to talk to him, and he…He’s horrible, you know.”

“He can be.” Kel frowned. “He’s trying to be better.”

“That’s what he said. It seems like a terrible time for a crisis of conscience, though.”

“Is it?”

“We all have to make compromises to get things done. Everyone knows that where I come from. It’s about survival. And that’s—” I squeezed my eyes shut.

“What?”

He might as well know. Might make him back away and let me go
. And that, undoubtedly, would be best for everyone. “That’s why they arrested me. I did kill my husband.”

I braced myself for his judgement, his disgust. His regret that he’d paid special attention to me, a murderer.

“I see.”

A cricket chirped in the silence that followed. “That—that’s it?” I stammered. “You see?”

His half-smile and creased brow made my heart jump.

“That’s it. Nox, I won’t ask why you did it. You can tell me, if you ever want to. Whether your actions were justified in the eyes of the law isn’t my concern. I believe you did what you had to do. You didn’t kill him over a petty difference, did you?”

“No.” A wave of relief filled me.

“Walk with me?” He didn’t wait for an answer, but started into the woods, away from camp. I went with him. At least we weren’t going back. The sunlight grew dimmer, and the air colder. I wished I’d brought a blanket.

Kel seemed to be looking for something, and changed course a few times. “What else do you think of Aren?” he asked.

The question took me off-guard. “I’d rather not—”

“Please. I’d very much like for you to stay, and I’d also like for the two of you to get over whatever differences make you hate each other so.”

“He hates me?”

Kel stopped walking. “Let’s work on your end of this first, shall we? Because the chill in the air between you is making me numb.”

“Fine.” I tucked my hands under my arms to keep them warm. “I think he’s mean. Cruel. I think he looks down on anyone who doesn’t have his gifts, even though he’s done nothing to earn them. I think he’s been spoiled, that he grew up with money and knowledge and training, and he doesn’t appreciate any of it. I think he feels sorry for himself, and he’s letting that make him weak.”

Kel pursed his lips and rocked back on his heels. “Do you know why he’s opposing Severn?”

I opened my mouth to answer, and closed it again. I didn’t know. I hadn’t cared. I’d only been concerned with whether he might help me.

Kel nodded as though I’d spoken. “Aren’s life hasn’t been easy. He bears scars from his childhood—physical, but also scars that run far deeper than that. His father made his life hell when he was a kid. Ulric ignored him, punished him for anything he saw as weakness, looked down on him, offered no love or comfort. He taught Aren to hate, to revile love and suppress fear, to use cruelty as a weapon and a shield. You and your mother were sent away when you were a child, and you probably had no idea what was going on. Aren was the same age, and he only knew what people told him. He thought his mother, the only person who cared for him, was dead. He wasn’t even allowed to be sad about it. He’s had a lot of opportunities in his life, you’re right, and he’s taken advantage of them. Many of the talents he has now didn’t come easy to him. He worked hard for them, used every teacher, every book, every experienced magic-user available to him so he could become stronger than Severn—who, incidentally, has tried to kill him several times. Did he tell you that?”

“No.” Since I’d learned I had a brother, I’d imagined him living a life of ease and luxury while I scalded my hands in dishwater and wasted my gifts healing infected wounds and curing diseases that foolish people often brought on themselves.

“And for all of Aren’s hard work, his father never even noticed him. He passed Aren over into Severn’s training when he was old enough, in spite of the attempted murder business, and Severn carved Ulric’s lessons deeper into Aren. Your family’s a bit of a mess, you know. You’ve had a hard life, but his hasn’t been easy, either.”

I pushed aside my irritation at being lectured. It seemed I deserved it this time. “You’re saying he has reasons for being the way he is. That doesn’t make it okay.”

“No, you’re right. My point is that he’s decided to try to be a better person. He turned on Severn, broke free of his family. He has people, my people included, telling him that the way he uses his magic is wrong. He’s struggling. Always has on some level, I think. I believe good will come when he figures out who he wants to be. You don’t have to stay to see it.”

“But you are.”

He nodded. “I’ll be sorry to lose you. Though things have been tense when you and Aren are together, I’ve enjoyed being with you. You’re a good sort of person, when he’s not involved. Compassionate. Kind to most people.”

I wrapped my arms around my waist. “I feel a little foolish. I never thought to ask the questions you just answered.”

“Hmm. It might be your blind spot.”

“My what?”

He shrugged. “We all have them. Things we feel so strongly about, or have our minds so set on, that they make us act out of character. Had you met Aren under other circumstances, you might not have been so cold to him, and he in return may have been kinder to you. But because of the depth of your hated for Severn and the rest of your family—please, forgive me if I’m stepping too far.”

“Not at all.” My voice cracked.

“That hatred, and whatever your plans are for Severn, those are your blind spot. When those are in the front of your mind, you don’t see other things. Better things, maybe.” He cleared his throat. “We all have them. Things that make our tempers flare when they shouldn’t, or make us act like fools, ignoring rational thought in favor of following our hearts. It’s good to be aware of them.”

“Thank you, Kel.” I wasn’t ready to forgive Aren for insulting me, and certainly not for looking into my mind—even if it had been an accident, as he’d said. But I thought I understood a little better.

He smiled. “You’re welcome. Aren can be hard-headed about things, but you two could work well together if you get past your differences. Or your similarities, as the case may be.”

I winced.

“You have complimentary gifts,” he added. “It’s actually quite beautiful. Hunter and gatherer. Sorcerer and Potioner. Nox, don’t leave us.”

The way he looked at me made my breath catch in my throat. He didn’t seem to expect anything, or to be waiting to judge what I said. If I’d told him to forget it, that I’d be fine on my own, he’d likely have wished me well on my journey.

I couldn’t stay for Kel, but having him around might make up for any other unpleasantness. I made my decision. “We do have a better chance of bringing Severn down together. And maybe I can come up with a potion to guard my mind.”

“So you’re staying?” Kel grinned, and more than my heart responded to him.

“I suppose I will. For now.”

“Excellent.” He chewed his lower lip, and seemed to make a decision. “Want to see something?”

“Um...” I’d heard that before, but he was already walking away. I couldn’t help appreciating the view as I watched him go.

“There’s a lake somewhere not far this way,” he called over his shoulder.

“What? I—”

He didn’t stop. I followed, only somewhat reluctantly. I ignored my mind’s warnings and let my interest lead me on. Kel got ahead of me and I lost sight of him in the darkening trees, but it was easy enough to follow the sound of him as he crashed around.

“Wait!” I called, but he kept going. He was well ahead of me when I found his shirt on the ground, and then his pants slung over a tree branch.

A loud splash came, not far off.

“I don’t want to go swimming!” I called, and he laughed.

“Just come over here!”

My stomach knotted. Hadn’t I thought about this? But he wanted more than I was prepared to offer.

Trees and rocky ledges edged up to the pond all the way around. The setting sun turned the surface of the water a glittering orange.

I pulled my sweater tighter around me. “You’re going to freeze!”

Another laugh. “I don’t think so. Come closer.”

I found him in the water, visible from his chest up, standing on the bottom. No, not standing. He moved slightly, as though kicking to keep himself afloat, but he was too high up for that.

I shivered. “What are you doing?”

He grinned, then turned and dived, allowing a sleek tail to break the surface.

What?

I blinked hard and inched onto the boulder at the edge of the pond, then crouched to peer into the water. Even with the light reflecting off the surface I could see that there was no shallow, muddy bottom below me, only deep water. A face appeared. I yelped and fell backward.

“I’m sorry!” Kel called as he surfaced, clearly trying not to laugh. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” He rested his arms on the rock I’d been standing on and wiped away the water that dripped over his face from his hair. Now that he was closer, I saw that his skin had taken on a grayish cast. There was no goose-flesh on it, even in the cold air. I was covered in it.

Impossible.
This was a creature I’d only heard about in stories back home, but he was real.
Real, and…and Kel.
I searched for words, and found none.

His brows pulled together as he watched my reaction. “You’re just startled, right? You’re not afraid of me? I never know how to tell people who can’t guess it for themselves.”

“N-no,” I said as I stood again and brushed the pine needles off the back of my pants. My heart raced. “It’s a surprise, though. You’re a—a mer person?”

He nodded. “Always have been.”

“I didn’t know you’d look so human,” I said.

“Is it a bad surprise?”

“I’ve had worse.” Thinking someone was a good person and finding out he was a good mer-person wasn’t such a big difference. Far worse things hid behind human faces. I knelt on the rock and looked down at him. “Is this how you prefer to be?”

He nodded. “Legs can be good. The tail is even more limiting on land than your legs are in the water. I don’t mind them, but it gets rather uncomfortable after a while. The air is so dry and insubstantial, and my body feels heavy on land. I like my tail. Having legs is like being away from home.”

I suddenly felt shy.

“Can I see it?” I asked, and he grinned again. The muscles of his chest and arms tightened as he pushed out of the lake, and water flowed over his skin in rivers that outlined every hard curve. I tried not to stare.

Aside from his skin tone, his top half looked like a human man, though more enticingly built than any I’d ever encountered. His tail was longer than his legs had been, as wide at the top as a person’s thighs and narrowing toward the end, where it broadened and flattened into flukes.

Kel rested his chin on his crossed arms and flicked his tail. “Go ahead,” he said, and closed his eyes.

It was completely unlike anything I might have imagined. There was no clear place where man ended and mer began. Lines under his ribs opened slightly when he shifted to make himself more comfortable.

“Is that how you breathe underwater?”

“Mmm.”

I reached out, hesitant, and placed my hand flat against his hip, if he could be said to have them at that point. The skin of his tail was smooth, as flawless as his face and the rest of his body save for a scar that stood out faintly, curving diagonally around his side, halfway down. I shifted my weight toward it and trailed my finger over the mark.

“That came from a net,” he said. “I was young and didn’t know any better. I got tangled, and the rope dug in. It only scarred because I was stuck for so long. We’re usually quite hardy.”

“That must have been frightening,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. I moved again, and Kel lifted the end of his tail out of the water. I ran my hand over the fluke, which was tough but flexible, then back up the center of the tail toward his back. I felt the bones of his spine there, just under the skin. He shivered, and I pulled my hand away.