Tortuga (23 page)

“But one day the husband hired a gardener to take care of the lawn, cause they lived in a great, big beautiful house, cause they were rich, but even the money he had hadn't been able to cure her even though he hired the best specialists. The gardener saw the woman lying in her bed, and he came in and brought her flowers, and every day he came in and talked to her and brought her flowers. Soon he fell in love with her. He told her he loved her and he would do anything for her. One day he kissed her and he realized she wasn't happy and she wanted to die. That's what she was trying to say when she smiled. He knew what he had to do, so he got real close to her and told her that if she wanted to die she should blink her eyes twice, like this. And she blinked twice. He got real sad and started crying, and he was kinda hunch-back and ugly, but he loved her and he knew he had to obey her wish. So that night he covered her face with a pillow until she suffocated. Then he took her to the garden and he buried her in the middle of all the roses, and at the end of the movie he picked up one rose and put it over her grave …”

Then Danny bent close, so close I could smell the decaying smell of his arm and his bad breath. “I think you want to die,” he whispered in my ear.

I blinked twice and it was done.

Late that night he and Tuerto and Mudo came for me. Like three grave robbers they stole into my room and quickly and quietly lifted me into a chair and carted me away. I didn't know where we were going and I didn't care. As they pushed me down the dark hall I had the feeling they had done this before. Tuerto went ahead of us to watch for the nurses. Mudo and Danny pushed the chair. They kept to the shadows.

The wheelchair sounded like rats squeaking in the dark. Outside the wind had stopped; the moon bathed the hill with its light. Across the way I caught a quick glimpse of Tortuga sleeping in the moonlight. It was the first time I had been aware of my surroundings in a long time. I rubbed my arm and felt the soreness where Danny had pulled away the i-v needle. I had no sense of direction, so I didn't know where we were going, but I could hear the sound of water, and I thought I heard Clepo's gurgling laughter.

“Where are we?” I asked. In the mist which rolled over the lapping water I thought I recognized Filomón. I called to him. This time he could not deny me, Danny would see to that.

I shivered. The fever had returned quickly, enveloping me like a thick fog. Water gurgled at my feet. Its sharp smell filled my lungs. On the other side of the lake Filomón's boat tossed gently on the swells.

“Where are we?” I asked again. I didn't remember the lake, but I was sure I recognized Filomón. A woman stood at his side. It was Ismelda.

Why are you here? I asked them … and they waited, patiently, in silence.

“We gonna throw him in?” Tuerto whispered.

“Yes, we're gonna drown him,” Danny answered.

I smiled. So Danny's insanity would return me to Tortuga's water. I laughed. I was ready.

“Why he laughin' Danny?” Tuerto asked nervously.

“He's crazy,” Danny answered.

“We-we, r-ready, Da-Dan-ny,” Mudo stuttered. He held the chair at the edge of the water.

Through an opening in the sky I could see the moon. It was full and blue, like the moon Steel had seen. Its light danced on the waves like mermaids dancing on the water. I felt happy with myself, at peace, unafraid … I had run the race and come to the edge of Salomón's sea … I was rejoining Filomón for another journey …

“Can he swim?” Tuerto asked.

The spray of the sea washed across my face and startled me from my reverie. I looked for Filomón, but his boat was gone. The singing of the siren at his side had ceased. The chlorinated water of the swimming pool pierced my nostrils. The huge room was deserted except for the four of us standing at the edge. The only light was the light of the moon as it shone through the skylight and illumined the room. Suddenly I felt panic fill my lungs; I gasped for breath and pushed back. No, I heard myself whisper.

“Can-can, h-he sw-swim?”

“No, he can't swim,” Danny laughed, “he's a turtle, but he can't swim! But a turtle should die in his home!”

“Filomón!” I called, but there was no one there. “Ismelda?” Still no answer. They were gone. They weren't going to make the journey with me. I looked closely into the water and churning in the dark depths lay Salomón's headless turtle. The water was wine-colored with its blood.

I turned to Danny. “No. I'm not ready. I can't make the journey alone. Can't you see! They're not there!”

“Shut up!” Danny shouted.

“Let's dump him and get outta here!” Tuerto cried.

In front of me the headless turtle thrased angrily and made the water boil. It was waiting for its brother to return. But then I heard Salomón speak, and he too said I was not ready.

Ah, Tortuga, Tortuga
, I heard him say,
you have come to the edge of the sea … you have run your race and suffered as much as any man … but you must turn back, you must face the blinding sun … you must cast off your shell and come to sing the songs of man …

“Ready!”

“Okay, push!”

“No!” I shouted and dug in my feet.

“Push!” Danny shouted, and the three of them heaved and sent me plunging into the cold, clear water. I closed my eyes and screamed as I felt the shock of the water. A choking mouthful of burning water filled my lungs. The chair tipped sideways and sank, but I remained afloat on the tossing water, buoyed by the cast.

The momentum had pushed me towards the middle of the pool. I struggled to right myself, but it was useless, I remained face down, unable to turn. I held my breath and settled into the gentle, rocking motion of the water … the waves drummed against my ears. I flopped my arms and kicked with my legs until I was exhausted, but I couldn't turn over. I realized I was going to drown, like a crippled turtle reaching the sea only to discover it can't swim, I was going to drown in a few minutes …

I opened my eyes and looked into the water … strands of moonlight swayed like golden seaweed in the dancing water. The light was gold, like the notes of a gentle melody … Knowing that I was going to die filled me with a sense of peace, as if after the momentous struggle and rage I had suddenly been taken into my mother's arms, and there was no more care or need to fight … I felt as if I was falling asleep, until even the piercing pain in my lungs and the swollen veins along my neck throbbed with a gentle dull feeling.

I thought I heard Salomón calling to me … and somewhere Filomón's oars pushed against the water, then receded and left the silence of the water and its gentle massage. My grandfather appeared before me and told me to awaken slowly, because I was entering a new dream … my mother prayed to her saints, the lifeless, plaster statues that would remain forever with their backs to her because I hadn't returned … and in the blinding light which flashed around me the girls of my first holy communion entered the water and swam like mermaids around me, singing a song of life, singing the song Ismelda whispered from the shore … I smiled and breathed the thin strands of golden water … and the water pushed through my nostrils like the bony fingers of la Llorona and crushed my lungs. I breathed for air and sucked in the sweet water, Tortuga's pee, Josefa's medicine … The lights flashed brightly, like thunder from the heavens, and the song of the innocent mermaids flourished like a choir of angels around me … Fragile bubbles of air escaped from my mouth and exploded on the calm surface as the strong liquid fingers of the water pried my mouth open … butterflies wove a song upon the tossing water …

Then suddenly the water churned and bubbled madly around me, and someone shouted, Tor-tuuuuuuu-ga! Then strong hands lifted me out of the water. I gasped for air. I smiled. Rough hands lifted me over the side and stretched me out.

“You crazy sonofabitch,” Mike muttered, breathing hard, wet … Before they pushed me on my stomach I recognized Ismelda in the faces which swarmed over me. I felt a terrific pressure on my back, felt the cast crunch, saw chunks of the wet plaster fall away, and I heard a lot of shouting as the foam and froth of the water came spewing from my mouth …

“Is he all right?”

“He's breathing!”

“Let's get him into the other room!”

“Easy now! Watch it!”

“Breath in!” Dr. Steel shouted and placed the oxygen mask over my face.

They lifted me and carried me into a small room across from the pool.

“He's going to be all right!” I heard Mike shout.

“Get those goddamned kids outta here!” Steel shouted.

“Hey, watch it! We could report you for cussing!” one of the kids shouted.

“Yeah! Just cause you saved his life don't mean nothin'!”

The door closed behind me. I heard Mike shout that it was all over, I was fine, it was time to get back to the ward, and I heard a big cheer.

Someone began singing, then the whole troop sang as they marched back to the ward:

Poor ole Tortugaaaaa

He never got a kiss

Poor ole Tortugaaaa

He don' know what he missss …

The nurse held my wrist and looked at her watch, and I had to smile because I thought for sure she was going to ask me if I had had my bm today. Ismelda massaged my wet legs and arms with a warm towel. Dr. Steel looked at the dripping cast and cursed. “I won't even need a saw on this one,” he shook his head and pulled at the wet plaster. He cut through the wet cotton and gauze and tore apart the cast, ripping with a carelessness I had never felt in his hands before. He seemed to be looking for something, something hidden in the core of the cast. Ismelda helped him, snipping the cast away very carefully, as if she was helping a baby chick tear through its shell.

When they were done I lay smeared with wet plaster and the filth which had coated the inside of the cast. Steel pulled the oxygen mask away and asked me how I felt. I nodded. The worst was over, I felt all right.

“He sure looks like a wet turtle,” the nurse said to ease the tension.

“What?” Steel asked. Beads of perspiration covered his forehead. He placed the cold stethoscope on my chest and listened. He looked at me, questioningly, and I knew what he was thinking but he didn't ask anything.

“Yeah,” he nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. “You look like a bloody mess,” he smiled weakly, “but you're okay. How do you feel? Any pain?”

“No,” I answered.

“Well, the cast is gone,” he said. He looked at me and then at Ismelda, then he went to the sink and washed his hands. “I don't think we'll have to replace it—”

“Good,” I answered and felt Ismelda touch my shoulder.

“Clean him up,” he said to the nurse, “and get him back to the ward … Are the kids gone?”

“Yes, doctor, Mike took care of that. They're all back in the ward,” the nurse answered.

“Damn kids,” he muttered. He took a cigarette from his shirt pocket, put it to his mouth, then he crumpled it and tossed it away. “It could've been worse,” he said. “You're damn lucky, Tortuga …” He went out shaking his head.

“You crazy turtle,” Ismelda whispered. Her eyes were wet with tears. “Why do you want to go swimming in the middle of the night—Thank God you're safe …”

She took the basin of hot water and soap from the nurse and said she would clean me. The nurse nodded and went out, but not before she gave me the shot the doctor had ordered. That and the drain of fatigue I felt in my muscles made me sleepy. I closed my eyes while Ismelda scrubbed away the crud which had built up beneath the cast. Her touch was like the reawakening of nerves, tender fingers touching flesh so long dead, a liquid fire spreading down my arms and legs.

“I was staying in the girls' ward when I heard the commotion … I don't know how Mike found you but he did. The screams awakened the wards, you should have heard the kids … Look,” she said, and ran her fingers through my hair, “your hair has grown. Tomorrow I'll come early and wash it …”

“I couldn't drown—” I murmured.

“No, you can't drown in Tortuga's waters,” she smiled. “It's not your fate … and now that the cast is gone you look like a lizard, so you'll have to think about living on dry land,” she smiled.

I nodded. Yes, the water had spit me out. I couldn't drown in it. The water had rumbled and the mountain had groaned in the night and its tremors had moved Mike, moved Ismelda, drawn the screams from their throats, cried the alarm and awakened the ward. I remembered hearing Salomón's voice, too, so he had had something to do with Filomón rejecting me … Now I would have to return and see him, but now I could, because the dread had passed and I had discovered that I was afraid to make the journey across the ocean alone … I had made some connections which I needed to understand before I could travel with Filomón again … it was my fate, it was my destiny …

But I had to create it, to create it out of Mike and Ismelda and Salomón and all the rest … that was the clue … to make some sense out of it … just like so long ago when the paralysis came I hadn't died, and the movement had returned, for some purpose … but it was to be my purpose, not God's purpose, not Mike's, not Salomón's, not the past which haunted me in my dreams … but my purpose … alone … sharing it with Ismelda …

Her fingers washed away the layers of pain and sorrow and despair which had separated me from her and the others. She reached deep into the core of the invisible shell and shared my pain, the roots of sadness, and her touch let me know that I wasn't alone … her touch was like the ripple on still water, the ripple which duplicates itself and reaches out … into eternity, touching all, encompassing everything with its gentle love. Her touch was magic. Her supple fingers rubbed life into my tired nerves. She sang a song and made my eyelids heavy with sleep.