Totally Fishy (A Miller Sisters Mystery) (41 page)

Judge Avery looked up and took off his glasses. "It is hereby ordered by this court and agreed upon by both the state and the defense that the aforementioned agreement between the prosecution and the defense be quashed and sentencing ordered herein. Will the defendants please rise?"

The three of them slowly stood as one.

"By the power vested in me by the State of Wisconsin, I hereby order that a three year prison sentence be withheld, and that three years of probation be instated. It is further ordered that the defendants are each assigned 300 hours of community service, 100 hours per year per defendant. Counseling and schooling shall be completed as recommended by Probation and Parole, and upon successful completion of all programs and probation, the felonies shall then be expunged and the defendants shall be eligible to apply for citizenship to the United States of America if they so choose."

Two silent heartbeats were followed by pandemonium in the courtroom.

Tess became a South American sandwich as Mark and Tom hugged her from both sides. I jumped on J.J. and Fred jumped on me. Luis and Alfredo jumped over the divider and jumped on Mark and Tom. Judge Avery sat back with a self-satisfied smiled and even Andy Doolittle nodded his head and shook Tess's hand.

The bailiff didn't even try to maintain order as he walked Judge Avery out of the courtroom.

I watched Rosie the News Whore jump over chairs and elbow bodies aside in order to be the first to interview Tom and Mark. I couldn't hear much over the roar of the crowd, but I did hear Mark say, "…No, Ma'am. This is the Christmas present of a lifetime. For the first time in our lives, we are free men." And I heard Tom say, "…A Green Bay Packer jersey and lots of ice cream. That's what I want for Christmas!"

We walked out of the courthouse and started down the steps. I heard a high-pitched "Oops!" and braced myself. Fred flew by J.J. and me on her butt, sliding down the slippery courthouse steps. Armand followed in her wake, trying to grab her collar to slow her down. "It'll be good to get back to normal," I said as I took J.J.'s arm.

We passed Fred as she came to a bumpy halt at the bottom of the stairs. Armand had her by the arm and Fred rubbed her butt. J.J. raised a brow. "Uh, yeah. Normal. I don't think that word is in the Miller Sister dictionary."

I elbowed him in the ribs. "Watch it, buster. Our parameters of 'normal' might be slightly wider than some people, but we mean well."

J.J. laughed, threw an arm around my neck, and ruffled my hair. "That you do, Buzz, that you do."

"Hey, pal, watch out for the bullet hole."

"Oops." he kissed my temple. "Sorry."

I caught a flicker of movement out of the corner of my eye and dragged J.J. to a halt. "Oh no, it can't be!"

Half the town slid to a stop at my outburst, and all heads turned north just as a motley looking cat streaked across the parking lot, followed by a bellowing Rick Glass. "Come back here you little turd."

I registered a voice yelling, "Oh my God, it's Crapper the Cat come back from the dead."

Many other voices joined in. "It can't be!"

"That damn cat is supposed to be dead!"

"How many lives does that cat have?"

"Someone shoot it before it craps again!"

"I just bought new patio furniture for my wife for Christmas!"

"Hah! It ain't gonna be new for long."

Just then I saw our ME slink around the corner of the courthouse. "Malcolm, did you save that damn cat?"

He stopped and nervously crushed his hat in his hands. "Well, I noticed it wasn't quite dead when I got him back to the office, so I nursed him back to health. I couldn't help it, Buzz, honest! My sister told me she'd keep him out of sight, but he must have escaped."

The cat zipped around a car and made a flying leap into the air. He landed claws out on Mark's chest. "
Ow
. Oh! It's Kitty! Look, Tom, he's not dead. We are not murderers after all. Hooray for Kitty!"

He danced around the parking lot with that stupid cat under his jacket.

Malcolm called out, "Do you want to keep the cat? He needs a home."

Tom and Mark both looked hopeful. Mark kept a protective hand over his jacket. "You are not joking? We may keep this wonderful animal?"

Some smart ass in the crowd yelled, "Yeah, keep the damn thing and take it back to South America! Let it take a dump on someone else's patio furniture!"

I heard Ian say, "Mag, that's enough," and I smiled.

Mark and Tom waved excitedly to the crowd. Tom yelled, "Thank you, my friends. Thank you for your support and for this wonderful cat." They turned and hustled down the street.

I sighed as we walked toward my SUV. I saw my mom talking to Jan and Joy. My dad wore the long-suffering expression men get when waiting for their wives to quit gabbing. The majority of the crowd headed toward Sal's for coffee. Mary danced a shimmy for Ian, still delusional, but hopeful. Fred tripped through the parking lot, and walking at a good clip next to her was my youngest sister, Al, who wore stilettos in winter and looked sleek as a cat.

Mag opened the door to my SUV and Wes came barreling out, excited that so many people came just to see him. Grin, wag, grin. I looked for Hill and saw her peeking out the door. Smart dog, saves her energy.

"Yep, everything looks normal."

"Normal to you, maybe." J.J. squeezed my shoulders as we neared the SUV. He steered me toward the passenger's side. "Hop in, old girl."

I shot him an evil look and climbed in. "Hey, buddy, I resemble that remark."

We laughed as we headed out of the parking lot. J.J. slammed on the brakes to avoid hitting Mark as he ran in front of us. J.J. yelled, "What the–"

Crapper the cat was about a half a block in front of Mark as he streaked through downtown. I looked at J.J. "Yep. Normal."

He just smiled, shook his head and we headed for home.

33

"You may kiss the bride."

Mary Cromwell blew her nose loudly.
"Whaaa.
I love weddings."

The bride and groom turned around at the distraction–the fifth so far–and the priest cleared his throat. "Ahem, may we continue, please?"

Evo chuckled, shook his head, and turned back to Father Matthew. "Please, Father; do continue." He smiled down into Sam's eyes and said gently, "Where were we again?"

Standing under the flowering arbor in Fred's backyard, Evo and Sam exchanged vows in a lovely ceremony on an even lovelier spring day. I helped Fred plant the bulbs which now lined both sides of the seating area. I swear I must be the worst gardener in the entire world. No wonder they say I have a black thumb.

Fred's side bloomed with a profusion of color and scents. My side had five tulips and one hyacinth with five flowers on the stalk. My crocus did just that. I figured I had better start listening and learning from all the people trying to help me overcome my black thumb syndrome. This was becoming embarrassing.

J.J. and I sat near the back, as he was also supervising the roasting of the pig. I somehow got hooked into organizing the food tables and it looked like we were going to set a new record for the diverse selection of Jell-O salads consumed in one afternoon. Sal made the cake; a stunning three-tiered affair complete with a blue waterfall in the center and cavorting dolphins diving in and out of swirling waves around each layer.

Someone (my money was on Tony) had removed the bride and groom from the top tier and replaced them with two plastic cartoon
Nemo
clown fish; one with a veil and one in a white tuxedo. It was a definite winner.

I tore myself away from my musings just in time to hear Sam say, "I think we're at the kissing part."

A loud voice from the back yelled, "Just kiss her, Evo, but hurry up about it 'cuz I want a beer!"

The crowd laughed good naturedly as Evo slowly lifted the veil and folded it behind Sam's head. She lifted her startling blue eyes to his and he looked as though his heart would burst. Wrapping his arms around Sam's shoulders, his head slowly descended. Her lips parted. What must have been only a few seconds seemed like a lifetime.

I hadn't realized I had a death grip on J.J.'s arm until he pried my fingers off and said, "Whoa there, Buzz, you're cutting off the circulation to my gun hand."

With the thrill of the moment passing, my heart rate returned to almost normal.

J.J. flexed his hand and looked around. "Hey, do you think we might get through this without another mishap?"

"Don't say that. Remember Murphy's Law; whatever can happen, will. We aren't out of the woods yet. Keep an eye out–uh, I hate to tell you, but I have one of those feelings coming on."

J.J. went on immediate alert. "Oh, no, I'm definitely afraid." He scanned the crowd again, focusing on Mary Cromwell. "I put my money on Mary."

Meanwhile, Evo lifted his head from the scorching kiss, tears stinging his eyes. "I love you, Mrs. Castillo." Sam smiled back. "Same here, Mr. Castillo." She dabbed at his eyes with the lace hankie she'd borrowed from Fred.

The smiling newlyweds turned to the crowd and Father Matthew introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. Evo Castillo. Fred stepped forward to give Sam her flowers and tripped over her train. Tony leapt forward and caught Fred on the way down. He held on to her and whispered something in her ear. They both laughed and Evo looked into Tony's smiling face. "What are you grinning like an idiot about, little brother?"

"Oh, I was just thinking. Since the 'Bitchthyologist' married 'The Evil One', will you name your firstborn
Evil Fernameanie
?"

Sam winked at her new brother in-law. "Of course; unless it's a girl, that is. Then we'll call her Toni."

Tony jumped forward and threw his arms around both of them. "
Aww,
I love you guys."

The crowd went wild. Evo and Sam fought their way down the makeshift aisle through back slappers, kids, hand shakers, dogs, and other well wishers.

Then it happened. Mary flew out of her chair and attached herself to Evo's side blubbering about beautiful brides and lovely weddings. The huge pink purse hanging off her arm swung around his back and knocked Sam into the crowd. Evo stumbled and almost took Tony down trying to shake off Mary and grabbed for Sam. He tried his best to extricate himself, but Mary stuck like glue and wouldn't let go. Her purse swung wildly and Tony had to duck to avoid being clocked. Understandable since the Gander Mountain incident, he'd been a little purse-shy.

Dragging the leg to which Mary was still attached, Evo slowly inched down the aisle. The blue sequined stripper dress Mary wore for the wedding rode up her scrawny fishnet covered legs. The higher it inched, the more nervous I became. The thought of Mary's bum exposed to the entire town was enough to make the strongest man queasy, but when I heard my dad and Dead Butz yell,
"Oh, My God, Mary, nooo!
I feared the worst. I took a fortifying breath before I had the courage to peek around J.J. to see what the commotion was about.

A sobbing Mary still clung to Evo's side. A large black smear of mascara marred his pristine white tuxedo. She had one leg slung around his hip and the other around his thigh. Evo had to do the step-and-drag walk in order to continue to move in a forward motion. He dragged Mary while maintaining a hold on Sam. I watched in horror as Mary's dress hiked higher. Up over the tops of her garters it crept and a feeling of foreboding came over me that made me hyperventilate. The dress slid up until Mary did the one-cheek-sneak-peek, and I had to jump out of the way when Mrs. Waller squeaked and passed out next to me.

J.J. scooted forward and placed his western hat over Mary's 80-year-old thong-clad bum. Fred came out of nowhere and grabbed my arm. Totally shocked, we held our breaths and clung to each other as if watching a natural disaster unfold before our eyes.

In the meantime, Ted, in a bright yellow suit, wrapped his arms around Mary's middle, and Dad latched onto Ted's belt. They dug in their heels as Evo dragged all three of them down the aisle. Ted grabbed one of Mary's feet and pried it loose. Mary swung her foot back and cold-cocked him right between the eyebrows with her orthopedic shoe. He stiffened like a frozen banana and Dad let him go. Ted teetered for a moment and dropped like a stone right there in the aisle beside him.

Flash.
Joy got a picture of Dead Butz lying among the rose petals with a square red mark in the middle of his forehead. Someone stuck a beer in his hand and Ted looked like he'd started the party a little early. Joy snapped that one, too.

My mother looked aghast. "Joy, that's not very nice. Poor Ted is out cold!"

Joy raised a brow and gave Mom an evil grin. "One never knows when one has need of good blackmail photos, Ger."

"Oh yeah, you're right. Better take another one just in case."

Fred and I snapped out of our shock-induced paralysis and caught up with Evo. A glowering J.J. still covered up what became revealed as a sparkly thong on Mary's boney butt. Mag came up behind Fred and grabbed both of us. Classy as always, she choked, "Oh man, that is just sooo
wrong!"

Shouts of "Oh, my God!" and "Cover that thing up," echoed through the crowd.