Totlandia: Winter (2 page)

Jillian smiled brightly. “Maybe we should be happy that they want to work harder to keep us.”

Ally shook her head. “Bettina had us in front of her just a half hour ago. Does anyone else find it odd that these weren’t just handed to us then?”

Jade glanced over at Brady. Why did he look so pale? She touched his forehead with her palm. “Are you alright?”

***

Brady could feel the color leaving his face.
Close call
, he thought.
Too close
.

He took Jade’s hand off his forehead and kissed it gently. “Who, me? Yeah, I’ll be fine. I was doing yoga when she knocked. I think I got up too fast. I need some water.” With Oliver still on his hip, he walked to the sink. He turned on the faucet, grabbed a glass out of a cabinet and held it under the water, not that much made it into the glass since Oliver was splashing most of it away.

He could just imagine Jade’s eyes burning into the back of his neck.

But no. When he turned around, she was busy passing around a big bowl of green seedless grapes to the other moms, who plucked the fruit for their toddlers.

Apparently, she didn’t suspect anything.

Involuntarily, he glanced over at Ally and found her staring at him. Her look was direct and penetrating. It didn’t pass judgment exactly, but the look of concern there still made him feel guilty.

He wondered if she suspected what was going on between him and Kimberley. Yet another reason to cool it with that horny redhead. Ally knew his true status with Jade—just as he knew Ally was still very much a working mom, and a single one at that, whose gay lawyer was her beard for all club-related intents and purposes. But he had never divulged to her his initial seduction of Madame Ovary as a means of giving Oliver a leg up against the one hundred and two other applicants.

He had always presumed the end justified the means. Now, seeing the look in her eyes, he hoped that was indeed the case.

“What the hell is Ally staring at?” Kimberley’s low murmur in his ear almost doused this hope.

Turning to her, he said in a voice loud enough for the rest of the women to hear, “I’m sure everyone can’t wait to hear about all the fun and games you and the rest of the application committee have cooked up for the holidays. So that you’ll have everyone’s undivided attention, why don’t I watch the kids in Oliver’s playroom while you ladies go over these new rules?”

With Oliver in one arm and the bowl of grapes in the other, he led the way.

***

The holidays are upon us! It is a precious time for giving thanks, giving selflessly of yourselves—

And, unfortunately, receiving infractions for any silly slip-ups!

So that there is no mistake as to the importance of the Pacific Heights Moms & Tots Club’s Day-After-Thanksgiving gathering to your eventual inclusion in the club, here is what we undeniably and specifically expect from you:

YOU WILL
:

- Provide a signature dish for the all-family (Yep! Hubbies are included!) potluck, to take place at the Flood Mansion, 2222 Broadway, Pacific Heights.

- Ensure, under oath, that your offering is an original recipe of your own creation.

- Provide the recipe, to be included in PHM&T’s Holiday Recipe book, our fundraiser for the Children’s Health Fund.

- Bring said dish, already prepared, to our gathering, in portions that feed at least eight.

- Sign up under one of these four categories: Appetizer, Entrée, Side Dish, and Dessert. Sign-ups are first come/first serve, with only eight slots per category.

YOU WILL NOT
:

Bring a dish prepared from a restaurant; or

Bring a dish prepared by anyone but YOU.

Great news! One of you
WILL
be hosting this event! More information to come…

Lorna stared down at the sheets, then up at Kimberley. “I don’t get it. This thing says the same thing, over and over. Sign up in one of the dish categories, then prepare a dish for eight and bring it to the event. What’s not to get?”

“Well, you must admit that we’ve already had some miscommunications with the new Probationary Onesies mothers. For example, there was the tracksuit incident at the Onesie Inaugural meet-up. For such a momentous occasion, one should have automatically presumed that more consideration be given to your child’s attire, wouldn’t you say?” She raised a brow knowingly at Lorna, who blushed at the memory of bringing her son, Dante, in an adorable Olympic tracksuit, only to discover that most of the other little boys were dressed in tuxedos. “Not to mention the fact that, from what I understand, you were all together when you made your tots’ homemade Halloween costumes,” Kimberley continued. “Lorna, Bettina was terribly disappointed that Dante’s costume actually ended up looking exactly like the one worn by Kelly Overton’s son, Wills.”

It was on the tip of Lorna’s tongue to say that Bettina lived to be disappointed—especially by her sister-in-law—but then she thought better of it.

Ally shook her head. “Nowhere in the rule book does it say that we can’t cooperate in the making of costumes.”

“It does now.” Kimberley pulled out additional pages from the folder she’d taken from her car. “Please substitute these new ‘Halloween Event’ pages for the older ones in your binders. We on the committee recognize that if things aren’t clearly spelled out, mistakes can be made. The number of infractions garnered by each of you over the past three months has made that painfully clear to us. Thank goodness for all of you that Chakra’s infractions were deemed even more egregious—especially that last one! That said, from now on, consider me your rule book facilitator. Should you have any questions at all—should anything arise as a “what if” in your subconscious—don’t hesitate to call me. And so those calls are few and far between, let’s go over these pages now…”

9:21 a.m.

BFFs
, thought Kelly Bryant Overton.
That’s what Bettina and I have been calling each other, since, what, fifth grade? And yet, she has the audacity to pretend she’s doing me a favor by letting me compete to get into her damned club? I should have been accepted, Day One, no questions asked. With my name and connections, she should be honored that I even applied. But no. She’s making me jump through her sadistic hoops, as if I’m just another of her fawning sycophants! Well, no more. I’ve been choking on her purloined merde for too long. Now it’s time for her to eat mine—

“Kelly, darling, are you even listening?” Bettina waved a manicured hand in front of Kelly’s face. “The waiter is asking if we’ll need a high chair for little Wills.” Presuming Kelly’s flushed cheeks meant her oldest and dearest friend was duly chastised, Bettina nodded in the direction of the waiter, albeit not
at
him. Kelly had seen her do this many times. Eye contact with inferiors was beneath Bettina. “I have to say, Kelly, it makes me uncomfortable when you stare at me in that manner. Sometimes I wonder if all that inbreeding between the Overtons and the Bryants was such a smart idea after all. I realize keeping your Gold Rush assets intact was the intent, but still!”

“I’m sorry, Bettina.” Knowing her game plan was already in play, it was easy for Kelly to smile at the woman she hated most in the world. “I guess I’m just reveling in the good fortune of finally having you all to myself, if only for an hour of coffee and chitchat. I know how busy your schedule can be, what with club business and all. Frankly, I’m honored at the invitation.”

“Ah yes, the club.” Bettina sighed. “It’s been a blessing and a curse. I take great pride in the fact that my little playgroup is
so
exclusive that we have twenty-five applicants for each spot! That mothers fight for the opportunity to join! That we can pick and choose the best and the brightest.”

Now she’s comparing her snobby little mom-and-tots group to a presidential cabinet
, Kelly thought.
What nerve!

“‘Chief Executive Mom.’ Sounds great when it’s coming from
Parenting
magazine, doesn’t it? Truth is, I’ve paid a heavy price for my success. It would be much easier if everyone pulled their own weight.” Bettina shook her head sorrowfully. “Which brings me to the reason I asked you to join me this morning. Even you, dear sweet Kelly, have been a bit of a letdown during this trial period. I mean, seriously, copying Lorna’s costume for Dante? How gauche! The application committee was certainly disappointed in both of you. Did you even consider how such blatant laziness reflected on me? They are quite aware of our history.” Bettina shrugged. “Maybe applying to the club was a mistake. If you want to resign, I’d understand. No harm, no foul. I’d miss you, but let’s face it, we see each other often enough outside of the club, what with all the charity functions.”

Drop my application—and remove Wills from the club? Who the hell does she think she is, talking to me like that?

She was Bettina Connaught Cross, the founder of the club, that’s who.

At that very moment, everything Bettina had done to Kelly in the past paled in comparison.

How she hated Bettina! She hated her for having made Kelly the butt of every joke in their middle school clique. And for stealing every high school boyfriend she’d ever had. But most of all, she hated the power Bettina held over Wills’s acceptance into the club. Well, she wasn’t putting up with any more of Bettina’s power trips. It was payback time. And Kelly, who understood Bettina better than anyone, knew just what to say and do to hurt her most. If her plan worked, Wills’s place in the club would be assured.

Step one was already in motion. Now for step two.

Even as Kelly’s smile grew wider, her eyes narrowed like melting shards of ice. “Bettina, please forgive me! You know I’d never do anything to embarrass you. Let’s face it, you
are
the club, and the club is you. Which is why it’s so hard for me to tell you…Oh, never mind.”

“Kelly, dearest, please. Just get to the point. Your vapid attempt at coyness is
so
unbecoming.”

Kelly paused, as if the burden of doing so was too much for her to bear. Finally, she sighed. “It’s Lorna. She’s—well, if I didn’t know better, I’d think she wants to undermine you to the rest of the Onesies.”

“
Lorna?”
The smug look on Bettina’s face faded. “What do you mean?”

Kelly cocked her head in contemplation. “In all honesty, she hasn’t said one good thing about you since we joined. Granted, she’s not so dumb as to call you a bitch or anything—at least, not when I’m around. Of course, she knows I revere you! But they all do hang together, even after our meet-ups. And to set the record straight, she was the ringleader in Halloween costume workshop. In fact, when one of the others brought up their concerns, she laughed them away. I think her exact words were, ‘Don’t worry. I’ll take care of Bettina.’ Then she laughed. I know the others, like me, found it very disconcerting.” Kelly leaned in closer. “Don’t worry, I stood up for you. In fact, I told Lorna she was downright cruel.”

***

Lorna—bad-mouthing me behind my back? Why, that little bitch! I can’t believe she has the guts!

Still, it all made sense. Since Lorna had come into the family, there had always been a rivalry between the two. Matt had long been the favorite of their mother, Eleanor Morrow Connaught. Like Bettina, she felt Matt had married beneath him. Despite Lorna’s own personal academic accomplishments (she and Matt had met when he bestowed upon her the Connaught Scholarship at UCBerkeley), her own people were practically vagrants. But Eleanor’s joy over the birth of Matt and Lorna’s son, Dante, had softened her reticence against Lorna. Not only did she now tolerate her daughter-in-law, sometimes she actually complimented her.

All of Bettina’s fears about Lorna were coming true: Lorna was becoming the daughter Eleanor never had.

Sadly, Bettina knew in her heart that Eleanor never really liked her only daughter. Oh certainly her mother
loved
her. And Bettina knew that she amused her mother—ironically, usually during those times when Bettina was trying to impress her most. But invariably, her desperate attempts to impress Eleanor backfired. When this happened, Eleanor’s consternation took the form of gentle berating. Or worse, she’d compliment Lorna, knowing full well how much doing so got under Bettina’s skin.

Bettina had no doubt that Lorna, too, was anxious for Eleanor’s approval. Any crumb her mother-in-law threw her way was a bitter pill to Bettina.

Despite her long-term friendship with Kelly, it was in Bettina’s nature to be suspicious. “Kelly, why are you telling me this?”

“Bettina, sweets, you are my dearest, oldest friend! I won’t just stand by and let her ruin all your hard work. And heaven knows should she succeed in planting doubts about your leadership abilities, it will put a kibosh on the
esprit de corps
you’ve worked so hard to build among us Probationary Onesies.”

Bettina opened her mouth to say something, but then thought better of it. The last thing she wanted was what had already happened: instead of avoiding each other—or better yet, selling each other out—the Probationary Onesies had banded together.

Kelly patted her hand. “You know I’ve got your back. I’ll be glad to let you know if she plans any other mutinies.”

“And for your loyalty, Kelly, rest assured you’ll be duly rewarded with one of the probationary slots.”

Kelly dropped her gaze to her hands, which were folded primly on her lap. “I would never want it said that favoritism played any role in the competition. All I ask, Bettina, is that you vote your conscience.”

Bettina was touched enough to lean in for an air kiss. Instinctively, she patted Wills’s arm, too, only to have him slap her hand away and then laugh at her shocked expression.

Oddly enough, Kelly laughed, too.

Normally, Bettina would have chastised her for it, but considering her show of loyalty, she let it slip.

Monday, 5 November

10:23 a.m.

The Tot Tales story time moderator at the Marina branch of the San Francisco Library certainly had her hands full reading over the bickering pair of three-year-olds whose short attention spans had deteriorated into wrestling in the back of the reading room. Otherwise, she had a captive audience of forty toddlers, including all of the PHM&T’s Probationary Onesies—Dante, Wills, Oliver, Amelia, Addison and Zoe.