Towards a Dark Horizon (46 page)

Although I hadn’t long left Maddie, I knew I had to be with her when this dreadful news broke.

She had been sick again and Hattie said quietly, ‘It’s been on the wireless but I don’t know how to tell her.’

When she emerged from the bathroom, looking white and ill, she knew something was wrong. ‘What is it? Is it Danny?’

I sat her down and as gently as I could I told her about the retreat from Dunkirk. I added, ‘Danny is more than likely still in his camp somewhere or even on his way home like Connie’s neighbour, Jack.’

She shook her head sadly. ‘You don’t really believe that, do you, Ann?’

I was saved from telling her a lie because she suddenly rushed towards the bathroom from where I could hear her retching.

Hattie had tears in her eyes. ‘What a bloody world it is, Ann.’

I was taken aback by her language. In all the years I had known her, I had never ever heard her swear. It would seem there was always a first time for everything.

I quickly told her the news of Jack. ‘It was seemingly traumatic, Hattie. The poor laddie was standing in the water for hours and he had to leave his pal behind with a broken ankle. He says there are thousands of men dead. Dear God, please don’t let Danny be one of them.’

Maddie reappeared and she looked drained of colour and energy. I was now extremely worried about her because she was so frail and wan looking. How would she ever get through this pregnancy?

I had to go back to the shop but I was dreading it. All the customers would be talking about this latest news and I didn’t think I could cope with it but I couldn’t leave Connie to do all the work. The comments were all the same. If France did indeed surrender to the Germans, then we would be on our own – one small island against the hard jackboots of the ever-powerful and conquering Germans.

Connie said that civilians from the overrun countries had either been killed or carted off to labour camps but how she knew this I wasn’t sure. Perhaps she had access to other newspapers. She had certainly known about the Duke of Windsor and Wallis Simpson long before it appeared in the papers. I suddenly longed for that far-off world of a few years ago when life was simple and we all lived in peace – at least in our neck of the woods.

Connie asked about Maddie and the baby. ‘Is she keeping fine?’

I nodded. ‘Aye, she’s bearing up, Connie.’

To my distress, I noticed that Joe was still hanging around the shop. Every customer who came in had a long discussion with him about Dunkirk. Up until that moment, I couldn’t have told anyone the whereabouts of Dunkirk but I don’t think a single person in the country could be unaware of its location after this terrible blow – this retreat.

In the afternoon I was glad to reach the peaceful atmosphere of my house. Dad was no longer working in the warehouse now. Mainly because of the dearth of vegetables and the almost extinction of fruit, Mr Pringle had reluctantly had to let half his workers go but Dad had got a job with the Caledon shipyard as a labourer. He seemed to like this new job but the case hanging over Margot was making him tired. She was due in court later in the year. I just wished he could marry Rosie and forget all about Margot. She wasn’t worth bothering about.

I made up my mind to voice these thoughts to him in the evening. After all, if the Germans did overrun our country there might not be enough time to do all the things we wanted to do. I felt then as though life were somehow more precious and short. We shouldn’t waste a moment of it.

I wrote to Greg, telling him we thought Danny was either missing or dead. After I read over it I tore it into tiny pieces and threw them into the cold grate and put a match to them. I rewrote my letter but left out the news of Danny.

When I went to the flat that night, Kit and her sisters were there. Their faces were all downcast and I thought how we had all aged a lot since this awful war had started.

It was a strained conversation as we all skirted around any mention of Danny. Kit tried to be cheerful but very soon we lapsed into silence.

Maddie always felt better in the evening but without the topic of Danny to keep us going we found very little to say. There was only so much Maddie could tell us about her pregnancy.

Then, in the middle of this silence, Maddie said to me, ‘Do you think Danny was at Dunkirk, Ann?’

I was taken aback by the directness of her question. ‘I’m not really sure, Maddie. He could be anywhere. Even back at his camp in England.’

She smiled ruefully. ‘I don’t think so.’

The Ryan women were at a loss as to what to say so they remained silent.

In an effort to bring some talk into the room, I asked Kit how Kathleen was coping with Kitty.

Kit smiled, her pale face lighting up. ‘Och, she’s coming along fine. She’s into everything – even the coal bucket. The other morning she resembled a wee black lassie from Africa and she looked so funny. Kathleen is doing really well in her job. You know she’s seeing a lot of Colin Matthews?’

I didn’t know but it was good news nevertheless.

Kit continued, ‘He’s been called up but he’s asked her to write to him …’ She stopped when a spasm of pain crossed Maddie’s face. ‘Och, I’m really sorry, Maddie. I shouldn’t be chattering on like this. You’ll be wanting to go to your bed?’

Maddie shook her head. ‘No, I’m fine – honestly. I like the company.’ She swept her hair back from her face. ‘Is there any news of Sammy?’

It was Kit’s turn to look distressed. ‘No, there’s been no word – either to Kathleen or his mother. And seemingly that rumour about the lassie he was supposed to be seeing being pregnant turned out to be a load of hogwash. Oh, he was seeing her all right but there was no baby on the way.’

Maddie spoke quietly, almost to herself, ‘Danny’s missing and Sammy’s missing. Lots of wives and mothers will be mourning their men tonight – and every other night.’

We all stayed silent again and it was so quiet in the room we could hear the loud ticking of the clock which had been a wedding present from one of Maddie’s relations.

My mind went back to the day of the wedding and how joyous it had been but then I remembered how the threat of war had hung over us even then.

Soon the Ryan women got up to go and we were left alone. It was then that Maddie broke down in a flood of tears. I held her tightly until she became quiet and I put her to bed.

‘I don’t think I’ll be able to go on without Danny,’ she said.

Although near to tears myself, I had to stop her feeling morose like this. ‘Look, Maddie, you’re having Danny’s baby so try and look to the future with a bit of happiness. Danny wouldn’t want you to be unhappy like this – especially at a time like this with a baby on the horizon.’

She suddenly smiled and it was so much like the old Maddie I remembered. ‘You’re such a tower of strength, Ann. Danny always said you were – even as a little girl.’

‘Right then, Maddie, if you think that, then listen to what I tell you.’

After she fell asleep, I sat in the living room in the dark but I left the curtains open. The river lay like a silver blur in the distance but everything else was in darkness. Although I hadn’t admitted it to Maddie, I would also find life hard without Danny. For all my days, he had been my lifeline and, although I knew our lives were destined to go down different roads, I still hoped he would be part of my journey. I went to bed with these thoughts in mind and prayed so hard to a God I hardly knew but hoped would be a forgiving one.

Maddie’s morning sickness stopped as if by magic. It was late June and she began to look so much better – blooming, in fact. I also thought she suited the extra weight.

There was still no word of Danny in spite of Mr Pringle having written to the Ministry of War. Dunkirk had been so chaotic although the small boats had miraculously ferried over three hundred thousand troops to safety. Every day that came and went was a blow to her hopes and her parents wanted her to give up her house and go and live with them. As usual, she had been horrified at this suggestion. In an effort to avoid the mounting pressure from her mother, she turned to me to back her up.

‘If I give up the flat now, Ann, it would be just like admitting that Danny is dead. Do you know what I’m trying to say?’

‘Aye, Maddie, I do.’

‘Well, will you tell my mother that I’ve got to stay here until there’s no doubt about Danny’s fate? When that day comes, I’ll face it then.’

Faced with this implacable tone the Pringles had to give in but I knew they would keep on trying. I also knew that, in their opinion, Danny was dead.

Joe was also full of the war news. ‘I see the RAF is fighting the Jerries in the south of England,’ he told Connie. They’re calling it “The Battle of Britain” and I bet the Spitfires will fly rings round the Luftwaffe. Then there’s that bombastic Mussolini joining his pal Hitler …’

One evening in the late autumn when Maddie resembled a hippopotamus, she asked me what I thought had happened to Danny.

‘I don’t know, Maddie. Maybe he got caught up in the fighting at St Valery or even in the retreat. The truth will come out one day soon – I’m sure of it.’

‘But you think he’s dead?’

I don’t know why I did it but I shook my head. ‘No, I don’t.’

Her face lit up.

I immediately tried to backtrack. ‘But don’t listen to me, Maddie – I could be wrong.’

‘But you don’t think you are?’

‘It’s a difficult thing to put into words.’

I hoped she would drop this line of conversation but she didn’t.

I said, ‘Well, it’s like this. Ever since we were bairns, Danny and I have always known what the other one was thinking of. It’s a kind of intuition, if you like. If I thought Danny was dead, then I would feel it – I’m sure about that.’

She nodded thoughtfully. ‘Still, there’s no word from him.’

‘That’s why I could be totally wrong, Maddie, so don’t listen to me.’

Then she changed the subject. ‘I can feel the baby kicking.’

‘Can you? Is it sore?’

She laughed. ‘No, it isn’t. It just feels funny or should I say strange.’

I was pleased the way the conversation was going so I wanted to prolong it. ‘You’ll not have long to wait now, Maddie. Are you hoping for a boy or a girl?’

‘I don’t care. I just wish Danny was here.’

She started to cry silently and huge tears were rolling down her cheeks. This was how she had been since Dunkirk. France had surrendered and we stood alone at war with Germany and we were still mourning Danny. Quite honestly, it was difficult to believe we were at war as life went on regardless. It was a strange situation because people who had been out of work for decades were now earning a wage packet. The Ryan family in Lochee was one such example. Belle and Lizzie were back in the mill while all the men worked in the foundry.

One reminder of the war was the siren. At the start of the war, every time we heard its wailing and eerie note, we headed for the air-raid shelters which were clustered in the back green behind the tall tenements in Rosebank Road. But it was such a trek in wet or cold weather that we stopped.

Granny said she would make sure Lily was taken to their shelter should the siren sound but this bothered me very much. I was worried about my grandparents having to trail out in all kinds of weather so I told them to stay inside as we all felt quite safe in our own homes. However, in November, this all changed. A German bomb fell on a tenement house in Rosefield Street and demolished it, killing one woman. This was a taste of the damage the German Luftwaffe could inflict on us and I had to review my plans regarding Lily.

I was still staying with Maddie at nights so I asked her if I could bring Lily with me.

She looked mortified. ‘Oh, Ann, I’ve been so selfish having you here with me and you have to look after Lily as well. Look, I’ll be fine on my own. You stay at home with Lily.’

‘Is that what you want me to do, Maddie?’

Her face crumpled and she shook her head. ‘No, I feel so safe when you’re here, Ann.’

‘Well, that’s settled then. I’ll bring Lily here with me and we can both sleep on the bed settee. There’s plenty of room.’

‘Oh, but I don’t want to be selfish. Lily has to come first with you.’

I went over and gave her a hug. ‘Don’t be daft, Maddie. I can quite easily look after you both.’

Lily was delighted to be with us at the Roseangle flat and she giggled as she snuggled down on the settee that first night. ‘I hope we don’t have to leave this cosy bed if the siren goes off, Ann.’

As it was, it put me in a bit of a quandary as because of her size, I never knew if I should take Maddie out of the house.

She was getting so big that she often despaired. ‘Do you think I’ll ever be thin again?’ she often asked, as she tried to see her feet.

‘Aye you will, Maddie. Just as soon as the baby is born, you’ll get back to your normal size.’

Lily was fascinated by her large tummy with the voluminous, coral-coloured smock covering it – a smock which, in my opinion, merely highlighted the bump.

Meanwhile back in the shop Joe was still full of doom and gloom and I dreaded going into work every morning to face another barrage of bad news.

‘I see the Jerries have launched a blitzkrieg on London. What a devastation the Luftwaffe have caused – houses on fire and hundreds of folk killed.’ He stopped for breath and also to light his cigarette stub. ‘Have you seen the mess in Rosefield Street? It’s as if somebody has cut the tenement in half.’

There was also the problem of Maddie. She was becoming even more morose, if that was possible, as she neared the end of her pregnancy. Some days she would just sit quietly at the window with large tears running down her cheeks. We were all becoming more alarmed. The Pringles were almost out of their minds with worry but still she wouldn’t budge from the flat.

I was in the lobby one evening when I overheard Hattie saying, ‘You’ve to think about yourself and the baby, Maddie. It would be much better if you went to live with your parents. They have an air-raid shelter in the back garden so you won’t have to walk so far – especially at night.’

Maddie’s voice was soft but firm. ‘We never go to the shelter now. I think if a bomb is meant for me then it’ll find me – no matter where I am.’