Toxic (33 page)

I bristled at the confession.

“Still, I wasn’t lying. As the years passed, my hatred faded but what I didn’t realize was that the resentment was still there.”

My heart hurt for him and when I saw hurt on his face I wanted to tell him to stop but I felt this was as much for him as it was for me, so I clasped my fingers together when what I really wanted was to soothe him, and let him continue.

Jeremy ran a hand through his hair, making it even wilder. “Until two years ago when my mother asked me to go with her to see my father. Was she out of her mind? I knew then I had to get away from her and that’s when I came back to the city. I know I said it was because this was always home, and although that was partially true, the other part was I had money and I wanted to take back the life I felt was stolen from me.”

As honesty bled through his words, I tried to see things from his perspective. What it must have been like to grow up without a dad and then find out you had one, only to learn he’d chosen greed over family. Funny thing was, I could understand it—it had happened to me. But luckily I wasn’t too young to remember my father.

Jeremy looked extremely pale. “I hadn’t even been here a week when I went to Sotheby’s with the fleet manager for the Rose Bar. And that’s when I saw it, your father’s car up for auction . . . and I thought why the fuck not? I never knew, all those years ago, if your father knew who I was. I wanted to hope he didn’t. But just in case he did, I thought I owed it to him to stick it to him. He was in prison. I was out here, with enough money that I didn’t have to take it for a joyride. I could own it. So on a stupid whim I bought it. Yes, it was my giant fuck you to him. But here’s the funny thing—I never drove it. It never felt right. It has just sat where you found it for over a year.”

My mouth opened to say something but I thought better of it.

Jeremy stood and crossed the room to sit beside me. My heart stilled. He didn’t touch me but he did lean close. “You have to know, I never expected when I bought it that I’d be sitting next to you right now. That we’d be getting back together. And then, when we did, I knew what I had done was wrong and just wanted to erase it. I wasn’t like him. I wanted to get rid of it and never think of the car again. I hated everything it represented and I didn’t want you to see that side of me. But who would have thought it would be so fucking hard to find a private buyer?”

My breath hitched at his words. “Jeremy, I want to see all sides of you. You have to know that.”

He shook his head. I could see how hard this was on him.

I took his hand and squeezed it. “You should have told me, and not just about the car. About your feelings too.”

He brought my hand to his chest. “We’ve discussed this. Once I talked to you that first time, all my resentment was gone.”

“Are you sure?”

He nodded. “Everything I had felt for you before came rushing back and I no longer cared what your father did to mine, or what mine did to yours. All I cared about was you—the girl I met on the beach that wasn’t any part of their fucked-up world. And you’re right, I should have told you about the car, but I didn’t want to hurt you. And I knew what I’d done would.”

All my composure dissipated as tears leaked from my eyes. I’d never seen him like this. He looked wrecked, ruined, and as seemed to be the case with Jeremy, while my mind told me I should proceed with caution, my heart told me he lived inside me and I didn’t have to.

He let go of my hand and it worried me. “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.” His voice was hoarse, broken.

I looked at him. “That I’m not going to let this end us.”

My heart hurt for him but this wasn’t about that. It was about him and me. And all I knew was that I loved him with every bit of my being. I wanted to be his and I wanted him to be mine. I couldn’t continue to be upset over a car. Over what he had been feeling before we reconnected.

I just couldn’t.

He cradled his head in his hands. “Don’t let the sins of our fathers ruin this. Ruin us.”

Without any further hesitation, I dropped to my knees in front of him and took his hands in mine. “Look at me,” I commanded.

He did immediately.

I searched those intense eyes for lies, but I didn’t see any. All I saw was deep regret. “I love you so much.”

He sighed and pulled me onto his lap. “You have to know that I wouldn’t do anything to purposely hurt you. I want to spend my life taking care of you.”

Butterflies swarmed in my belly. “I do know that, I do.”

He touched his forehead to mine and then swiped his thumbs across my cheeks.

We stayed like that for the longest time.

Still, something was wrong.

Could we come back from this?

“Can I stay with you tonight?” I asked.

He nodded but didn’t seem to care either way.

My sobs had waned, but my throat was still tight from holding back my tears. I stood up and offered my hand and for the first time, I led him upstairs. Once we got there, I went into the bathroom and when I came out, he had taken his shoes off and collapsed on the unmade bed, exhaustion clear on his face.

He held his hand out for me to join him and I removed my boots and went to lie beside him. Jeremy covered us with the blanket and pulled me to his chest.

I felt safe there.

Although things weren’t anywhere near right.

I knew that.

However, as I closed my eyes to listen to the beat of the heart I didn’t want to ever have to fall asleep without again—I pretended they were.

Rumors

Ruby red lips.

Here, there, and everywhere.

The marks covered his face, his neck, and his shirt collar.

I awoke with a jolt.

It was just a dream. It wasn’t real. It was just a dream.

As I clung to consciousness, I felt completely alone. Yet I wasn’t. Jeremy’s soft breathing filled the room. He was with me, not with somebody else.

Not her.

Me.

My back was to his front but his arms weren’t curled tightly around me, as they had been every night for weeks, except the night before last. It was Friday, the deadline for the investors to respond to my request for funds, and so I was on edge.

With a stretch, I turned to face Jeremy. I studied him for signs I may have missed last night. We hadn’t had sex, we hadn’t kissed, he hadn’t even really embraced me but that didn’t mean anything. I was allowing my nightmarish dream to bleed into reality, and I knew better.

Even though faint glimpses of sunshine filtered through the skylight above us, the sound of water splashing told me it was going to be another rainy day.

Jeremy blinked a few times and then opened his eyes.

“I’m sorry we missed our official engagement yesterday,” I whispered.

He sat up and scrubbed at his face. “We can do it whenever we’re ready.”

My stomach soured at the distance that was still between us. I reached up to brush his cheek, which was now much more purple than last night. “What do you mean?”

Jeremy turned to get out of bed. “Jamie gave me the number of who to call.”

“Can you call now?” I asked.

Without looking at me he said, “Yeah, sure I can.”

Warning bells lit up inside me. He was still so indifferent, so unlike himself. I sat up and wrapped my arms around his clothed body and then kissed behind his ear. He stiffened under my touch and I knew we still had more to talk about. I wasn’t a fan of using sex as a means for making up but I could see where sometimes it might be useful.

And this was one of those times.

I just needed to break down the wall Jeremy had put up so things could go back to the way they were.

Slowly, I brushed my fingers down his T-shirt. I could feel the smooth strength of his stomach muscles as I pressed there. My lips lightly trailed down his jaw to the base of his neck, where I could feel his pulse throbbing in his throat.

I pressed my chest into his back and I could hear his increased breaths but it wasn’t until I ran my fingers over the jut of his hip bones that he allowed his body to ease into mine.

Feeling triumphant and underhanded at the same time, I longed to see that lustful look on his face and desire in his eyes. With that, I scooted off the bed. I expected him to ask me where I was going or better yet, grab me by the wrist and yank me to him. But his only reaction came when I nudged his thighs farther apart so I could stand between them, and he closed his eyes.

Worry wove itself around my heart but I still had hope.

I pressed my palms to his chest and when I did, I could feel the increased thump of his heart.

He was going to come around.

I lowered my head to kiss and lick and bite every square inch of him. I didn’t want to hurt him but I wanted to elicit a response that was Jeremy-like. As my teeth sank into the flesh of his throat, his hands gripped my hips and my heart got that little pick-me-up it needed.

It occurred to me then that what I wanted, no needed, to do was mark him.

He was mine after all.

Just as my lips began to work a little harder, one of our cells started to ring. We both had the same ringtone and I leaned over to grab at the disruption. If it was mine, I had to answer; it could be one of the investors.

Except it wasn’t mine.

“It’s Kat,” I said, handing him his phone.

“At six thirty in the morning?” he groaned.

“You should probably answer it.”

He hit
ACCEPT
. “Yeah, Kat, what’s going on? What? You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He shot up. “I’m going to check it out now. I’ll call you back.” He hung up and hurried out of the bedroom.

I followed him. “What’s going on?”

He was in his office across the hall, tapping some keys on his keyboard.

“Fucking hell.” He slapped the top of his laptop down.

“What’s the matter, Jeremy?”

He shook his head. “I’m so sorry.”

I was already crossing the room, but when he spoke, I hurried. Once I reached him, I stared at him. “What?”

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he spat.

I lifted the screen of his laptop to a Page Six article whose title read, “Sex Clubs, That’s How Jet Set Owner Jeremy McQueen Got His Start.”

I stopped breathing and sank into his chair. I didn’t need to read the article to know two things. First, it wasn’t going to affect Jet Set—in fact, it would probably increase membership. Second, it was going to ruin any chance I had of receiving private funding from the super-conservative channels I’d solicited because the prospectus had Jeremy’s name on the byline as a consultant.

His gaze cut to mine. “I’ll fix this.”

I just shook my head. “There’s no fixing this, Jeremy.”

“I’ll find a way.”

My cell started ringing from the other room. “I better get that.”

I felt like I was someone else as I crossed the hall and answered Logan’s call. “Hello.”

“Hey, are you up?”

I sat on the bed. “Yes, and I saw it. Did you tell your uncle?”

“Not yet. I wanted to know what you were thinking about doing first.”

I gave a small laugh. “You know there’s nothing I can do.”

“Did you send a prospectus to Dawson? He won’t care about the rumors. He’ll invest, I’m certain.”

“No, I left Dawson’s prospectus in my desk drawer. I wasn’t sure I should ask him. And after some things that happened last week, I know I made the right choice.”

“Fuck. Look, when I get back let me see what other avenues you have.”

Logan and I both knew I had none but I appreciated the effort. “Tell Hunter I’ll call him later.”

“I will. And Phoebe, don’t give up yet.”

I looked up. Jeremy was standing there. When our eyes met, he started stripping off his clothes as he walked toward the bathroom. A few moments later, I heard the shower turn on. “Logan, thanks for calling. I’ll be in touch.” I hit
END
and went over to the bathroom door. “What’s going on?”

He was rinsing his hair. “I’m going to find out who leaked the info.”

“Jeremy, it doesn’t matter. It’s done. It’s not a lie, so there’s nothing we can do.”

He turned the water off and grabbed a towel. “This is something I have to do. I’ll meet you at your office later.”

Neither of us said anything about breakfast at Tiffany’s. We both knew it wasn’t the right time.

Jeremy brushed his teeth, dressed, and was out the door in less than five minutes.

It was only after he left that I realized:
He never kissed me good-bye.

Next I went back into his office and stared at the article.

Why today of all days?

I didn’t cry though. I must have been in some kind of state of shock.

Finally, I made myself get up and shower.

The winter solstice was still one month away, but somehow fall had passed. It was raining or maybe it was sleet, I wasn’t sure. I wouldn’t normally wear jeans to the office, but between my mood and the weather, I went for comfort and grabbed the only pair I’d left over at Jeremy’s and a heavy sweater too.

Lily texted me asking if I was okay, and I texted her back in the cab that I was and I was certain everything was going to be fine, even with the scandal.

I didn’t really believe that.

My phone pinged with another text from Lily.

Lily: Preston and I are close to reaching an understanding.

Me: I hope it all works out. Keep me posted.

The rain pelted against the window as I looked out. The day was dreary, a perfect reflection of how I felt. As I compared Lily’s life to mine, the parallel between job and boyfriend was there, but that was as close as they came. Lily’s priorities were different from mine, but then so were her situations. She was risking her career for the man she loved and I’d blown off what should have been something very special because of my job.

Maybe I should have been more like her?

I looked at my watch. It was eight forty-five. When I glanced at my phone I noticed I had missed a call from Jeremy. Had he gone to Tiffany’s after all? Was he waiting for me? I should have asked him before he left. I called him back and when he didn’t answer, I sent him a text.

Me: Where are you?

The cab arrived at the Saint and he still hadn’t answered me. I surveyed the traffic, and knew I could walk faster. After I quickly paid the driver, I ran as fast I could in the rain to get to the corner. I made it in less than a minute. I pulled on the doors of Tiffany’s, but they were locked. I peered inside and the place was dark. There was no Jeremy and no one else.

My heart sank.

I hurried back to the Saint and up to my office. I was wet and I pushed the water from my face. The door to my office was open, which I thought was strange. I usually always closed and locked it, but I was a little distracted when I left yesterday and must have left it open.

I shrugged out of my wet coat and threw it over one of the chairs across from my desk before I plopped down and began to shake my head dry. I finally gave up; it wasn’t going to dry that easily.

I tried Jeremy again.

Still, no answer.

I turned in my chair and stared at the park.

Turned back and tried him again.

Still, no answer.

Finally, I set my cell on my desk. I couldn’t obsess over yesterday right now; I had to concentrate on work. With my silent admonishment, I turned to face my computer and hesitantly pressed the button to
ON
and opened my e-mail.

I knew what I was going to find, but seeing the four e-mails stacked on top of one another brought tears to my eyes.

I opened each of them, but they all read the same, just a variation on the words, “I’m sorry I am unable to invest in your company at this time. . . .”

This was it.

The end of TSC.

There was nothing left to do.

Nothing I could do.

I spun myself around in my chair and had to grab the drawer handle to stop from going around again. In the process, I pulled open the drawer that held Dawson’s prospectus, but it was empty. I stared at the space, wondering where it had gone.

“Are you looking for this?”

I snapped my head up to see Dawson holding the white envelope in his hand. “How did you get that?” I asked in surprise.
What was he doing here?

His face had mostly healed; there was just one faint red streak that remained. Acting like he belonged, he picked up my coat and hung it up behind the door. “You know there’s a serious change in weather when you switch from leather to wool.”

I ignored his comment and went for blunt. “Dawson. What are you doing here?”

His eyes slid over me as he took an unwelcome seat. “Jeremy called me this morning and asked me to meet him here.”

My eyes widened. “Why would he do that?”

He leaned forward and set the prospectus on my desk. “He wanted to talk about you.”

The hairs on my neck stood up.

Dawson shot me a rueful glance. “Relax, Phoebe. Is everything okay between the two of you?”

An ache raked across my chest. “Everything is fine.” I pasted on a fake smile.

He leaned back in the chair. “Good. I’m glad to hear that. It’s just”—he waved his hand like he was drawing a circle around me—“you seem a little off today?”

I looked down at myself and knew he was talking about my disheveled appearance. Dawson did not like anything to be less than perfect. And today I was far from perfect. “I got caught in the rain. That’s all.”

He glanced over my shoulder and out the window. “Understandable.”

Alarm rose in my voice as I asked him, “What exactly did you and Jeremy talk about?”

And why couldn’t I reach him?

Dawson pretended to pick a piece of fuzz from his slacks. “I’m not normally a kiss and tell kind of guy, you know that about me.”

Suspicion hovered at the edges of my mind as I tilted my head in question. “Why are you telling me that?”

“I’m not even sure how, but somehow we ended up talking about that night you ran out on him and called me.”

My nerves tingled as it became clear where he was going.

“I told him I was concerned about how confused you were that night and that I didn’t mean to kiss you, it just happened.”

Bile rose up my throat.

He didn’t seem to notice. “But since I’d been through this type of thing with you before, he should be thankful I was there all night to stop you from reverting back to your old ways.”

My mouth flattened. “That’s not true.”

He tilted his head to the side. “What part is a lie?”

Out of nowhere my mind wandered back to that New Year’s Eve so long ago that I let Jeremy go. It was the same day I met Dawson at the old fort.

Tears burned my eyes but I held them back. Dawson had helped me but why was he twisting everything now? None of it was a lie, but the way he phrased it wasn’t the truth either. I didn’t want to hurt him but I had to tell him the truth. “Dawson, I felt sorry for you.”

His jaw tightened. “No, you needed me and that’s why you called me. You still need me, Phoebe, that’s why I had to tell him the truth.”

My head jerked up. “What are you talking about?”

He was so eerily calm. “That I knew everything about the two of you, down to the intimate details of your summer affair so long ago. How you lied to him all those years ago. Kept your identity a secret because you knew he couldn’t take it. I had to laugh about it though—about a worthless guy thinking he could have a girl like you. Then or now. He has to know he’s not enough for you. Come on, Phoebe, you sought me out the day after you first saw him again and fell asleep on my couch.”

My jaw dropped. “It wasn’t like that.”