Toxic People: Decontaminate Difficult People at Work Without Using Weapons or Duct Tape

TOXIC PEOPLE DECONTAMINATE DIFFICULT PEOPLE AT WORK WITHOUT USING WEAPONS OR DUCT TAPE

MARSHA PETRIE SUE

Caution:
Expect discomfort while reading this book—don’t just enjoy it. This is the only life you have, so you
might as well learn how to manage people who create
perplexity, puzzlement, and pandemonium. You know
the ones—Toxic People!

M
y approach to dealing with difficult people, poor communications, and conflict is one that aims to be unique, funny, and based on common sense. And this may tick you off, because my approach is not so much about the difficult person as it is about
you
.

If you are tired of people, including yourself, not taking personal responsibility for their choices, then this is the book for you.

If you are sick of one person or a few people in your group—the minority—ruling the majority, then you are reading the right book.

If you want to have the skills to manage unacceptable behavior in the workplace, welcome. I decided that life is just too short to let people upset me, get my goat, or make me mad. Whether you are a leader or not, this is a no-fluff, no-nonsense approach to identifying and managing anyone who drives you nuts! Using weapons and duct tape is often tempting, but after being sent to charm school twice in my corporate career, I realized this is not the best approach! What weapons are you using now with Toxic People? Do you carry a roll of duct tape with you just to shut them up? Or maybe you use the tape over your ears because you are fed up with listening to them.

First step: Stop pointing a finger at other people and how awful they are. There are reasons you are not winning the blame game. Take a long, hard look in the mirror at the person you have become.

If you don’t agree with the ideas you find here, give this book to someone who gets it—someone who is ready to eliminate, not just reduce, the power of all those people who tend to tick you off or make you crazy!

So many of us complain about this person or that person, this toxic group or that difficult boss. However, it’s not about other people. It is truly all about us and how we choose to manage ourselves and the situation.

You will learn how to take the offensive against the “yes” people, “no” people, gripers, snipers, dictators, experts, and all the other characters you confront every day. Or you might label them as Steamrollers, Zipper Lips, Backstabbers, Know-It-Alls, Needy Weenies, and the ultimate pain—Whine and Cheesers! You have to learn how to identify the behaviors, the payoffs for them, approaches to use, and what methods to avoid.

Toxic People often make you question your own capabilities and sanity. You have to get a grip on survival tactics that work.

You’ll be amazed at how easily you can turn an ugly situation into a tolerable event.

Gain the self-confidence and know-how you need to manage every problem and every difficult person in your life.

Learn how Toxic People think and why they choose to be toxic.

Then learn what you can do immediately to change the negative outcomes you typically get.

You must understand that you can only turn to yourself to manage conflict, anger, and poor interpersonal relations. Having the skills and applying them is your responsibility. Personal accountability is the real key. Choose to take control of Toxic People, and don’t allow them to control you.

The style of this book is focused. The ideas are presented with humor and real-life applications that make it easy for you to remember and use the techniques presented.

Many business books on the market today give people communication tools, but using them is only half of the way to decontaminate Toxic People. Communicating is only part of the story.

My belief is that you have to look in the mirror first, and change yourself. Only then are you ready to manage the Toxic People in your life.

Businesspeople have to stop pointing a finger at someone else.

You
need to change yourself, your communications, and your approach. You have to stop relying on the buzzword of the day or the latest consultancy theory. Then, and only then, will you be able to really change your environment, create high morale, and develop successful work groups.

I realized this long ago in my corporate life and had to learn new strategies to manage all the jerks who wandered the sacred halls of my business life. Notice the word
learn
. Figuring out that I was not anointed with these skills was a huge “aha” for me. Stop thinking, “Well, my company won’t send me for training.” You are right. I had to seek out the appropriate learning mode for me.

The silos of silence and isolation must be broken down. Poor behavior cannot be tolerated, and internal fighting must stop.

Toxic People must be decontaminated!

If you’re tired of the effects that Toxic People and toxic environments have on your personal and professional life, stop complaining and get busy. Everything you need to decontaminate the folks and situations that are toxic to you is presented on the pages that follow. Don’t just read them. Read them and decide how to adapt them to fit your style and situation. Then put them into practice and pay attention to the results you get.

Acknowledgments

M
y dad always taught me that I didn’t have to know how to do everything on my own and emphasized the need to find the right resources. I certainly learned that lesson and would like to thank those resources, friends, and colleagues who helped me with
Toxic People
.

First, thanks to all the Toxic People in my life. You gave me stories to share in this book, and you helped me learn how to manage my own behavior and not give in to your upsetting behavior.

To Kurt Boxdorfer and Jan Olsen-Beeso, who do so much to keep my web site and technology working, and Janita Cooper for her guidance on my product development.

To Rosalie Hydock, PhD, who helped me with the sophisticated behavioral perspectives while not stripping my voice from the writing. Linda Norman, Karen Gridley, and Toni Farrar dotted the i’s and crossed the t’s with their proofreading extraordinaire.

A huge thank-you to the extraordinary staff at John Wiley & Sons for helping me with absolutely everything. Your quick response to my questions, whether simple or complex, was terrific.

To the Wingets, who are always there to help me succeed.

Rose Mary, with her editing capabilities and publishing experience, polished the message and flow. Larry, the author of two best-selling books (
Shut Up, Stop Whining, and Get a Life
and
It’s Called Work for a Reason
) and A&E TV host of
Big Spender
, always takes the time to review anything I ask and offer input and changes that take me to the next level.

And to my husband, Al Sue, for his amazing support and flexibility.

Thanks to everyone else who helped. Your assistance, support, experience, and guidance are appreciated more than you will ever know.

T
here have been people put on this earth to push your buttons, tick you off, and suck the life out of you. You know who they are. If you are tired of being contaminated by these Toxic People, read on.

I was a sales manager for a Fortune 100 company and had just made the decision to reinvent myself. Watching successful people and how they build relationships seemed to be the ticket, and I had just heard the statement “Treat people as you want to be treated.” Monday morning I entered the building smiling and immediately ran into my boss, who said (her actual words, so don’t blame me!) “What are you so f____ing happy about? You usually look like you found a hair in your biscuit or that somebody peed in your coffee.”

Lovely. I immediately knew I was on the right track, because it
really was a pain to work for her. The happier I got, the crappier she got. Perfect. My emphasis on being positive got me promoted within a short time, and her attitude led to an eventual ride on the proverbial broomstick into the sunset.

You have several choices when thinking about coping strategies. These include hating the Toxic People, quitting your job, or just plain copping out. In messy interactions, you unwittingly promote the behavior you don’t want mainly because the mind is lazy and you want an easy fix. There is no easy way to cope, however, so you need to consider dumping your current behaviors and learning new approaches. You need to move from emotional reaction to effective action. This means old skills must be tossed and new ones learned and practiced. Translation: no more excuses!

Have you ever said:

“I’m so mad I can’t see straight.”

“They make me so angry!”

“Who do they think they are?”

“They just don’t know who they are messing with!”

“They really tick me off! I’ll get them!!”

These words are an admission that the other person is controlling you. Is that what you really want? If your answer to this question is “Sure” or “Sometimes,” stop reading, and give this book to someone who
does
want to change. And believe me, some people just give anger management lip service. They really don’t want the situation to change.

PLEDGE

I, ___________________ [your name], promise that I will identify toxic behavior, use new skills in my approach, and
never
use excuses again. I have the strength and fortitude to continue to practice, even after I have failed. I am never the Toxic Person. I pledge to stay calm and keep my temper. I promise never to take a Toxic Person’s behavior personally or to seek retribution. I know how to keep my power by maintaining control. I create my own environment that nurtures my success. I am the master of my future, my stress level, and my own behavior.

Here is the hard reality. If you have bad relationships, it’s your fault. If you have poor outcomes, you created them. You must take personal responsibility for every choice and outcome in your life.

If you would like the pledge e-mailed to you, please send your message to [email protected]. It would make a great screen saver!

Try a Little TLC—Take It, Leave It, or Change It

You always have choices when deciding what to do in a toxic situation. When you are stuck in a rut and feel you have nowhere to turn, stop and question yourself. “Do I choose to take it, leave it, or change it? What’s my plan?”

When you feel buried and overwhelmed, pull yourself up by the bootstraps and say, “Okay, I have three choices. I can take it, leave it, or change it. What’s my plan?” Stop using victim talk such as, “I can’t,” “I won’t be able to,” or “It will never work.” You’ve used this strategy in the past and developed it into a habit. Here is the TLC (Take it. Leave it. Change it.) for making better choices: 

1.
Take it.
When you accept events as they are in the moment, you send a message to yourself that it is okay for right now—maybe not perfect, but livable. The situation is not creating tremendous stress or discomfort. You know this state is temporary. With focus, goals, and planning, the future will be different. Let’s face it, though; sometimes the situation isn’t temporary, and it is not moderate, but you decide to take it, take it, and take it until you hate everyone at work, including yourself. Learn when it’s time to let go. Get a grip and have a plan.

2.
Leave it.
The most difficult decision you face is when you reject the situation and are forced to step out of your comfort zone. This can appear as a great and overwhelming risk. This is when you say, “I’m not going to accept it the way it is, and I know I can’t change it, so I’m leaving.” Have you left a job or relationship because you couldn’t take it any longer? This was your choice to leave. You read and hear story after story of people being forced to move on to a new job, a new location, or a new company and actually coming out ahead. A good example would be losing a client, only to have an even better new customer appear.

No risk, no reward.

3.
Change it.
Making a change may appear to be difficult and even overwhelming because it takes you to a place you’ve never been. However, managing the unknown can be as easy as changing your perspective, your opinion, or your attitude. Other times you have to negotiate and dig to get what you want. Deciding to change means tackling what is going on
right now
for the sake of building something better
later
. It takes work to identify what you need. It takes courage to ask for what you want. Remember, if you can’t accept it and don’t want to leave it, then working for change is the only remaining option. You always have options. You can choose to change it or choose not to change it. It’s not that you can’t!