Toys and Baby Wishes (14 page)

"What?"

"If you need help, you'll call me."

This was the olive branch, the starting over point.  Their
father wanted to share their lives.  Lexa blinked back tears as her heart
warmed with a glow that hadn't been there in years.  "I'll call you.  Or
Dani will call you.  But don't worry about it, Dad.  We'll be all right."

"You can call even if you don't need me.  Visit more. 
I want to spend time with this grandchild, Lexa.  Will you let me?"

Compassion for her father, the losses he had sustained---her
mother, Loretta--all the pain, the distance between them that was her fault
too, overwhelmed Lexa.  "Oh, Dad."  She smiled tremulously.  "Of
course, I will, if that's what you want.  A child can't be loved too
much."  She watched his eyes glisten with feeling and she realized she had
just given her father a gift as well as giving herself one.

"Honey, I've always done what I think is best for you. 
Maybe that never came through, but it was what I intended."

With sudden insight, Lexa understood one aspect of
parenting.  "I guess all a parent can do is try his best."

"Do you forgive me for helping you get started with
your career?"

"I shouldn't have gotten so angry, but I wanted to
succeed on my own."

"You have.  You'll always succeed at what you do. 
You're that type of person."

They sat quietly for a few minutes until Donald said,
"I like Josh."

Lexa said simply, "I do, too."  And then she did
something she hadn't done in years.  She got out of her chair, sent around the
desk and gave her father a hug.  He hugged her back.

A few minutes later, Lexa found Josh at the breakfast bar in
the kitchen with a wedge of pie and a cup of coffee.  She went to the coffee
maker and poured herself a cup.  "It's cold outside."  When Josh
didn't comment and she glanced at his set expression, she realized there was a
chill in here.  Was he angry about their almost-argument?  She opened the
refrigerator, grabbed the carton of milk and poured some into her coffee.

Carrying the mug to the bar, she hopped up onto the rattan
stool next to Josh.  "Did you find what you wanted?  There's leftover
turkey and filling."

He swallowed his last bite of pie and pushed the dish away. 
"I wasn't that hungry.  Dani seemed to want some time alone, so I came in
here."

"That was thoughtful."

He shot her a speaking glance.  Lexa put her mug down on the
counter.  "Josh, I'm sorry about earlier.  I know you were only trying to
help."

"But you can't accept help, can you, Lexa?"

There was an odd note in his voice.  She had thought she'd
tell him about the conversation with her father and he'd be happy for her. 
"What do you mean?"

He swung his long body around toward her, one hand braced on
the bar, his other set stubbornly on his thigh.  "I mean, you know how to
give, but you don't know how to receive.  You're so damn independent, you can't
let anyone help you.  Let me tell you, Lexa.  Giving without receiving is pure
manipulation."

"That's not true!"  She was hurt that he could
feel that way about her.

"It is true.  If you give and don't accept back, you
make others beholden to you.  Did you ever think that maybe Dani feels as if
she owes you this child?"

"That's ridiculous!"

"No, it's not.  You practically raised her."

Lexa buried any doubts she had and defended them both. 
"She's as sure about this as I am."

"But why?  And why are you so sure you're doing the
right thing?  Are you trying to earn Dani's approval.  Your father's?"

"I'm not trying to get anyone's approval."

"I'm not so sure about that.  You do it all the time. 
You make a career of serving others to get their approval."

Anger rose in her but she kept a lid on it.  "You're
wrong."

"I don't think so.  You admitted you wanted your dad's
attention and approval when you were growing up.  And you never felt as if you
earned it.  So you give and do for everyone you can, to get the pat on the back
you never received.  I think you're afraid to let yourself be loved for who you
are rather than what you do."

"I think your amateur analysis is off the wall!  I'm
the one who took psychology in college."

"A lot of good it did if you can't use it for your own
benefit."

She turned away from him, picked up her mug, jumped off the
stool, and poured her coffee in the sink.  She started to leave the kitchen but
as quick as lightning, Josh stood up and grabbed her shoulders.  "Don't
run away from me."

 She tried to twist away.  "I'm not running away.  I
simply see no reason to stay here and let you take pot shots at me."  As
his hands gripped harder, she ordered, "Let me go."

He held up his hands, freeing her.  "Okay, go."

His easy surrender made her stand stock still.  Josh could
see the hurt in her eyes.  He'd handled this all wrong.  He was hurt she
couldn't confide in him, and he wondered why.  Why didn't she trust him?

He'd wanted her to see she could rely on people, too, that
she could confide in him and he'd still love her.  But he'd gone about it the
wrong way.  He'd been sitting here trying to think everything through, how much
children mattered to him.  How much Lexa mattered to him.  Even if he was right
about the way she grew up, he shouldn't have let it all spill out like
that--like an accusation.  That would only push her farther away and she
wouldn't be able to trust him enough to tell him her secret.  Because trust was
the major issue here.  Until she trusted him, she wouldn't confide in him.

The hurt on her face squeezed Josh's heart.  He never wanted
to hurt her.  There was only one thing he could say that might make a
difference.  He hadn't said it yet, maybe because he sensed she was still
resisting him.  But maybe if he took the risk of saying it first, she'd
understand she could trust him.

"Lexa, I love you."

"Oh, Josh.  I..."

He put his fingers over her lips.  "You don't have to
say anything."

Her eyes filled with tears.

He locked his hands behind her back.  "Think about what
I said, okay?  You're a loving, compassionate woman.  And you don't have to do
anything to be loved.  I love you just the way you are."

She stroked his jaw.  "You're so important to me,
Josh.  And that makes me afraid."

"Don't be afraid.  We'll find our way together.  Trust
me."

He saw the anxiety and the doubts in her eyes.  He didn't
know how to wipe them away.  So he kissed her.  When he began the kiss, he held
back--until she parted her lips.  He claimed ownership, branded, demanded.  His
arms brought her against his chest.  Her breasts thrust forward and he could
tell she was aroused by the hardening of her nipples.

He let his kiss tell her how much he loved her.  He wanted
to draw from her all the love she could give, but he wanted to give to her
too...and teach her how to receive.

He tore his mouth from hers and nuzzled her neck.  "If
we don't stop this now, I'll take you on the kitchen table."

She pulled back slowly and a small smile played across her
lips. "That would be a new experience."

He growled, pulled her to him again, pressed her body into
his beginning at her shoulders, then her back, then her hips.  When she
shivered from the contact made more delicious from the friction of clothes, he
broke the embrace and set her away.  "We'd better have a cup of coffee
until I have a few minutes to cool down."  He leaned his forehead against
hers.  "I guess you know it's not fair."

"What isn't?"

He drew one finger down the middle of her back over her
derriere.  "Women can get hot and bothered and nothing shows.  It's a
little more difficult for a man to hide his feelings."

She smiled at him coyly.  "Are you sure you want to
hide them?"

"I want to do something about them," he grumbled.

She caressed his cheek with such tenderness, his hand
shook.  "I'll visit you tonight.  After everybody goes to bed."

"You could stay all night."

"Yes, I could."

The doubts were still there.  When would she trust him
enough not only to lay in his arms but to tell him she couldn't have children?

***

When Lexa opened her eyes the next morning, brilliant sun
was streaming through the windows.  She was turned on her side and Josh's long
length was tight against her back, his arm around her waist.  She brushed her
hair out of her eyes and rubbed her fingers across the forearm that held her
captive.

Within a few minutes she felt his lips on the back of her
neck.  "Mornin'.  Did you sleep well?"

She slid on her back within the circle of his arm. 
"Once I got to sleep," she teased.

His hand spanned her stomach then toured her breast. 
"Are you complaining?"

"Never."  Her body came alive with his touch.

He taunted one pink peak with his forefinger.  "I like
waking up with you.  It could be habit forming."

She danced her fingers down the middle of his chest. 
"Habits are hard to break."

"Some don't need to be broken."

She sifted her fingers through his dark chest hair. 
"There's a habit in this house of having breakfast at eight.  Are you up
to it?"

"I'm up to a lot of things," he grinned wickedly,
rubbing against her hip.

"I'm talking about breakfast."

He kissed her on the lips and sat up on the edge of the
bed.  "If we must, we must."

"Do you mind?" she asked anxiously.

He lifted his robe from the foot of the bed, wrapped it
around him and belted it.  "I know you came home to spend time with your
family.  It's okay."  He walked over to the window and looked out. 
"Hey, it snowed.  There's at least four inches out there!"

She hopped out of bed and stood beside him looking out over
the back yard.  "The first snow is always so beautiful."

"Do you want to build a snowman?" he asked
boyishly.

"And make snow angels?"

"I don't know what kind of angel I'll make, but you've
got a deal."

She plucked her pink chenille robe from the bedroom chair
and buttoned it.  "Do you mind if I spend some time with Dani this morning
first?  I didn't get a chance yesterday.  We can have the afternoon
together."

"Lexa, I really don't mind.  I'll read the paper, have
a few cups of coffee, maybe take a walk.  I don't need you to entertain
me."  His eyes twinkled devilishly.  "At least not all the
time."

She slid her arms under his and hugged him.  "Thank
you."

"For what?"

"For coming this weekend.  For taking time to get to
know my family."

"Even if I see some things you don't want me to
see?"

"Even then."

"Lexa, you know, don't you, that you can--"

"What?"

"Nevermind."  The serious look didn't leave Josh's
face, but he kissed the tip of her nose.  "Let's get moving before I
decide I'd rather stay here than play in the snow."

Lexa's father ate breakfast with them, then left for work. 
Lexa spent much of the morning with Dani, talking and planning.  After lunch
Dani went to visit a friend who was home for the holidays.  Anna was out doing
the weekly shopping, and Lexa looked forward to spending the afternoon alone
with Josh.  She found a pair of old boots in the closet and equipped Josh with
her father's galoshes.  They walked the grounds, arm in arm, taking in the
breathtaking beauty of unspoiled snow.

Lexa insisted they lay down and flap their arms and legs to
make snow angels.  When they were flat on their backs with snow creeping in
their collars, Josh called to her, "Are you sure this is fun?"

"Sure, and it's artistic too.  Wait till you see your
imprint.  Remember to be careful when you get up."

Josh was as careful as he could be but when he looked at
Lexa's angel and back at his, he said with disappointment, "Why doesn't
mine look like yours?"

"Because you're bigger and you flapped too hard."

He caught her around the waist and lifted her legs until she
was dangling in his arms.  She held on tightly around his neck.  "You
didn't tell me to flap lightly," he complained.

"You didn't ask," she parried with a sassy smile.

He dropped her back on her feet, took a hard kiss and
concluded, "Now we're going to do something I'm good at."

Her eyes widened dramatically and with all the innocence she
could muster, she asked, "Out here?  Josh, what would the neighbors
think?"

He tweaked her nose and swatted her behind.  "C'mon,
smart alec.  We're going to make one terrific snowman."

They had problems rolling large balls for the body because
the snow wasn't deep.  Each ball made a long track on the ground where the
grass peeked through.  When they finally managed three balls into an upright
position, Lexa laughed.  "It's crooked."

Josh began mounding loose snow onto the second ball. 
"Never fear, Flannigan's here."

"Oh, right," Lexa muttered drily.

"Don't complain.  Go find a carrot for his nose."

Lexa not only returned with a carrot but with an old derby
of her father's and a scarf of her own.  Josh found stones for eyes.  Lexa
stood a few feet away from him to admire their handiwork.

"Not bad," Lexa decided.  "Now we need a snow
woman."

"What for?" Josh teased, his blue eyes sparkling
with amusement.

She wagged her finger at him.  "What are you,
Flannigan?  Sexist?"

He pointed to his chest with feigned amazement and
questioned, "Me?  A man who believes men and women are equal?  A man who
believes a woman has the right to be president as much as a man, a man who
believes--"

Lexa stooped down, patted together a snowball and cut in,
"A man who believes a woman can win a snowball fight?"  With careful
aim, she threw straight at his chest and the packed snow landed with a splat.