Toys and Baby Wishes (18 page)

"Josh, I have a meeting at the Y."

He switched on the bedside lamp.  "So?  There's the
phone.  Call and tell them you're not coming."

"Josh, I can't.  This is important.  We're trying to
set up a hotline for teens.  I said I'd be there."

"You're not going to run yourself into the ground. 
Call them and tell them you aren't coming."

 "You can't order me around!" she fired back.

He scowled at her.  "Lexa Kittredge, you're so damned
frustrating.  You can't let your compassion get in the way of your good health,
emotional or physical.  Will you please use your common sense?"

While she debated the point within herself, he cupped her
chin in his hand.  "I understand, Lexa.  Believe me, I do.  You see
injustice, sorrow, human beings who need help, and some fire inside you makes
you offer everything you can give.  But you have to realize you're not
indispensable.  Others can and will take your place.  You can't save the
world."

If she heard that one more time...  "You sound like my
father, and you sound like Richard.  And don't tell me not to compare you! 
You're acting exactly like them.  As if what I do isn't important!"

His jaw set.  Then he said, "That's a bunch of bull. 
Of course I know it's important.  But some things are more important.  Maybe
you can't give up your volunteer work for me, Lexa, and to tell you the truth
I'm having a hell of a time dealing with that.  But you're damn well going to
have to give it up for this baby.  You're going to have responsibility for another
life.  What happens then?  Are you going to give this child the leftovers?  Are
you going to leave him with a babysitter while you fight for causes more
important than he is?"

Lexa was confused.  Why was she hanging on to the volunteer
work with a steel grip when she knew she should be cutting down, not becoming
involved in more?  As she stared into Josh's eyes, she knew the answer. 
Because the work was familiar, because she liked helping others, because it
didn't involve taking any risks.

Something in her stomach twisted as a small voice whispered,
What if Dani does want the baby back?  What if Josh can't accept this child as
his? What if he can't accept the fact you can't have children?  Lexa was
insulating herself and she knew it.  With a shock of insight, she also knew
that if she wanted this relationship with Josh to work, she had to make a
choice and make it right now.

CHAPTER TEN

Lexa responded softly.  "I know what taking
responsibility for another life means.  I guess I've been trying to cram
everything in now before that happens."

She reached for the phone, dialed, reached the person she
wanted to talk to, said she couldn't attend the meeting, and ended the call.

A slow smile twitched Josh's lips up as he sat down next to
her on the bed.  "You've been focused on other people for so long, you
don't know how to give to yourself."

She said huskily, "Are you going to teach me?"

"I'd like to try."

"Josh, I can't just quit everything cold turkey."

He sandwiched one of her hands between his.  "I know
that.  But if you're thinking about your life, our life,  that's the first
step."

She looked at Josh and felt so much love, she had to fight
tears.  "Christmas this year is going to be wonderful."

"Why?" Josh asked, rubbing his finger soothingly over
the top of her hand.

"Because of you...because of the baby.   I love
Christmas.  I love the stars in children's eyes, secret smiles, hidden
presents, carols and holly."

"Mistletoe," he included with a lusty look.

She laughed.  "Of course."  Her feet were getting
cold and she put one on top of the other.  "Something happens to people at
Christmas.  They're nicer to each other."

"I love to watch shoppers.  When adults pick out toys,
they have as much fun as kids.  I know lots of customers shop online now, but
going into a toy store at Christmas is something my customers
appreciate."  Josh stooped down and felt her cold foot.  "Okay,
lady.  Either get slippers on your feet or get back under the covers."

"Are you going to be my watchdog?" she asked, not
sure what that would mean.

"Nope.  But I am going to watch over you.  Is that
okay?"

"It's okay."  She grinned.  "But do you think
you can let me out of your sight long enough for me to go to the
bathroom?"

"Cheekier and cheekier," he sighed with mock
dismay as he stood up.  "I'm going to fix supper.  You be in bed when I
get back."

"I'll think about it."

He shook his head as he walked out of the room.  "As
bad as a kid."

When Josh returned, he was carrying a lap tray with two
bowls of chicken soup, three ham and cheese sandwiches, two glasses of water,
and two scrumptious looking eclairs.

"I take it you're hungry?" Lexa teased.

"So are you."

"Are you trying to convince me?"

"Nope."  He wiggled his brows seductively. 
"I know you have hidden appetites you don't always reveal."

She wrinkled her nose at him.  "You think you know me
so well."

"I'd like to know you better."

Josh smiled, but his eyes were so serious, as if he knew she
was keeping something from him.  No, that was impossible.

He fixed the pillows on the other side of the bed and
stretched out on top of the covers. 

After she ate supper, Lexa couldn't believe how tired she
still felt.  She thought about getting dressed while Josh took the tray down to
the kitchen.  When he came back into the bedroom, he was carrying his laptop
along with its charger.  He  set it on her dresser and began to unbutton his
shirt.

"What are you doing?"

He stripped off his shirt and started on his jeans. 
"We're going to relax and watch something you like.  If you fall asleep,
that's fine.  We're just going to lay here-- together."

He picked up Lexa's hairbrush and crawled in beside her. 
"Come here," he said, patting his chest.

When she laid her head down, he began brushing.  The motion
was so soothing, she fell asleep.

***

Opening her eyes, Lexa checked the clock at her bedside. 
Seven a.m.  Josh was sleeping peacefully on his side, his shoulders and arms
outside the covers.  Whenever she looked at him, something wrapped her heart,
tickled it, and made her smile.  Until she remembered what she had yet to tell
him.

 Suddenly, she was struck by the urge to stay home, begin
planning the nursery and maybe spend some of the day with Josh.  She reached
for the phone.  When she called her secretary, the woman assured Lexa she'd
hold down the fort another day.

After Lexa clicked off, she felt a strong arm curl around
her waist.  She turned to Josh and smiled.  "Good morning."

He pulled her into his arm and cuddled her against him. 
"Who did you call?"

She ran her hand over his beard-stubbled chin.  "My
secretary.  I'm going to stay home today and take a vacation."

His grin was pleased as his eyes moved over her uplifted
face.  "Wise decision."

She wanted to melt into his hands when he looked at her like
that, but instead of melting, she asked, "Do you think you could get away
from the store for lunch?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"I'd like to make something here for you."

"I could take you out for lunch."

"No.  I'll make you something here.  I thought it might
be nice to break up your day."

His hand brushed up and down her arm.  "It would be
very nice to break up my day.  The store's going to be a madhouse.  We ran
coupons and moms will be out full force today to take advantage of them." 
He looked at her for a long moment, and she thought she saw the lights of
desire in his eyes, but he didn't act on them.  He kissed her forehead and
shoved himself up.  "I'd better get moving."

Was he waiting for her to reach out to him?  For her to show
him how much she wanted him?  She reached up and ran her hand over his
shoulder, down his back, and she felt him tremble.  "Do you have to leave
right this minute?"  She wanted to love him and show him how grateful she
was for his pampering.

A grin spread from one side of his face to the other. 
"No."

"Thank you for being here yesterday, for holding me
last night."

"Anytime."

She stretched out her arms to him and his gaze told her how
much he wanted her to need him, to depend on him.  She was learning.

***

When Josh arrived at Lexa's townhouse for lunch, he found
her in the spare bedroom with wallpaper samples, color wheels with paint
shades, and catalogs open to pages of baby furniture.

"Planning to redecorate?"  He shifted the mail
he'd retrieved from Lexa's mailbox to his left hand.

She started at the sound of his voice.  "I didn't
expect you this soon."

"It's noon."

Lexa checked her watch under her blouse sleeve.  He was
right.  "Lunch is ready.  I made tuna salad and cherry cobbler."

"Sounds good."  He looked around the room. 
"What are you going to do in here?"

"Turn it into a nursery.  I'm not sure how.  Maybe pale
yellow walls, this wallpaper on one."  She pointed to a pattern with
ponies and ducks.

Wanting to draw out his opinions, Lexa pointed to a crib in
the brochure.  "I like the maple furniture.  Something a child can grow
into after he doesn't need the crib.  The top of the dressing table comes off
and it turns into a chest of drawers."

Josh absently paged through the catalog on the bed. 
"Kids need so much, don't they?  Carriages, strollers, walkers, clothes,
toys car seats, eventually college education."

"That's a long way off."  Lexa didn't really want
a generic discussion about babies, but a specific one.

He closed the catalog with a thud.  "But it's still a
consideration.  It's better to put money away monthly so it's there when it's
needed.  A sense of security is important when you have children."

Lexa insisted, "Love's more important."

"Sure, it is," he agreed, studying her carefully. 
So carefully, she asked, "What's wrong?"

"I'm worried Dani will change her mind.  I know what
you're going to give this child.  Can you tell me what you would do if the
child's three or four and Dani decides she wants him or her back?"

She pushed her own uneasiness about Dani aside. 
"You're borrowing trouble.  That won't happen.  Dani wouldn't do that. 
She couldn't."

"I don't want you to set yourself up."

"I'm not.  Trust me, Josh.  Trust Dani."

Josh remembered the stack of mail in his hand and offered it
to Lexa.  "This is today's and what stacked up while you were gone."

She saw doubts in Josh's eyes and wished he'd express them. 
But he didn't.  And the moment for sharing secrets passed.  She took the mail
from his hand.  Rifling through the advertisements, she found a legal sized
envelope from a women's group, Women For A Better America.  She ripped it open
and her eyes grew wide with astonishment.

Josh pushed the wall paper samples out of the way and sat
down on the bed beside her.  "What is it?"

She rattled the paper in her hand.  "I'm getting an
award.  Someone nominated me for the service award they give each year and I
won.  Can you imagine?  I won!"

"I don't know why you're surprised.  All the time you
give mounts up."

She read the letter again.  "But it's such an honor.  I
know some of the women who won other years.  I don't put myself in a class with
them."

 "You're in a class of your own, sweetheart."

The message in his eyes made her heart beat faster. 
"You're prejudiced."

"You bet I am."  His thumb ridged the shell of her
ear.  "How do you get this award?  Do they send it to you, present it to
you?"

Her eyes wouldn't leave his face.  "There's a dinner at
the Holiday Inn on December twenty-second.  The mayor will present it
then."

He played with her ear lobe.  "Am I invited?"

Her breathing was becoming more shallow.  "I can invite
ten people.  They're giving other awards too."

His hand slid down her neck to her collar.  "Am I one
of the select group?"

"You're the most select."  She cleared her
throat.  "Are you ready for lunch?"

His eyes glittered suggestively.  "I'm more ready for
something else."

"Choosing wall paper?"

"Choosing the best, most prolonged way of making love
to you.  This morning was a little too fast.  I wanted you badly."   Josh
began unbuttoning Lexa's blouse.  "It was difficult for me to hold you
last night and not want to make love to you."

His words sent a thrill through her.  She laid the letter by
her side, unknotted his tie, and unbuttoned his shirt collar.  "You can do
more than hold me now."

He pulled her blouse out of her slacks, separated the
material and feasted on the sheer white bra.  "Do you know what an ego
boost it is for me when you tell me or show me you want me?"

She welcomed his male appraisal.  His gaze always made her
body heat up.  Cruising her hand down the middle of his chest, over his stomach
to his belt buckle, she murmured, "I want you."

He sucked in his breath at her intimate touch and unfastened
her bra.  "You're the sexiest lady I've ever met."

She battled against the leather as her fingers unbuckled his
belt.  "You're the sexiest man I've ever met."

As he caressed her breasts with soft kneading, she struggled
with the zipper on his trousers.  Finally she gave up and reveled in the
pleasure of his touch.  "Joshua Flannigan, do you know how much I want
you?"

"Tell me," he said in a low voice.

She swayed toward him.  "I want to feel you on top of
me.  I want to feel you inside me.  I want you too much to try to
explain."

He laid her back on the bed.  "You don't have to
explain, love.  I know."