Tragic Desires (26 page)

“Cease fire,” I shout.

The suit is still standing and I say, “Walk away and leave the girl. We can end here, but you need to leave the girl. You’re surrounded. My snipers will take you both down before he even has a chance to squeeze that trigger.”

“You’re going to regret this. We
will
take her one day and she will come to understand the true traitor that you are.” Then he turns to the one holding Gemini and orders him in Farsi to release her. The man obeys and forcefully shoves her to the ground. They back away, collect their casualties, climb into the van, and drive off.

“Gemini
!” I shout as I run to her. She’s on her hands and knees, shaking. She lifts her head, and the hurt and anger that spill forth skewer me. I know she wants the truth.

“The answer is yes, but it’s not what you think.”

“Then you better explain now.” She’s still on the ground, unmoving.

“I can’t. Not
here.”

“Drex.”

“Please. You have to understand.”

“No! You have to understand.
A fucking CIA operative? And all this time you’ve led me to believe that you abhor the government?”

“Not here. Not now.” This has just blown everything for me and I’m now fucked every which way to Sunday. I have to get her to shut up.

“Then when?”

I get down on the ground and grab her shoulders. “Please,” I whisper
, “please trust me and give me a chance. But not here. When we’re alone. Please, Gem.”

The desperation in my voice must have gotten through to her. My arms go around her because I’m overjoyed she’s safe, but she mistakes this for something else entirely.

“Let me go, Drex.” Her words like razors slice me open and extract my heart. I thought I was wrecked after the incident in Iraq and then the court-martial. But this … this has slaughtered me. I never knew how a few words from the woman I love could gut me so brutally. And there I have my answer. I love her. I am in love with her. Deeply, thoroughly. And leave it to me to fuck it up so badly and discover it when it’s too late.

My men are
charged with getting the scene cleaned up. The only thing they leave behind is the van, which the terrorists used to pin our SUV. The ride back to headquarters is silent, but I will have to offer her some kind of explanation when we get back. I’m not sure what to say, but I guess it doesn’t matter, because I’ve been compromised now. Fuck! How did this happen? Glancing at Gemini, she stares straight ahead, her expression stony. My gut tightens when I think about the thoughts running through her mind. I want to hold her hand right now, pick it up and unclench her fist, to ease her discomfort. But I don’t.

The SUV heads directly to the underground garage and then we’re in the elevator, riding in uncomfortable silence. As soon as the doors open, there’s a flurry of activity surrounding us.

Blake is there and I tell him to handle the debriefing. Huff was taken to the emergency room, but word is he has a concussion and a laceration that will need stitching. He’ll spend the night for observation and most likely be released tomorrow. Everyone else is fine.

My hand is on Gemini’s arm and I escort her to the apartment.
Before I can close the door, she takes a swing at me. Her left fist connects with my right deltoid and she follows it up with an uppercut to my jaw. It’s a good thing I see it coming and block her with my open palm.

“Goddammit, what the fuck are you playing at here?” Her chest heaves and her lips are thinned into a straight line.

There’s no use wasting time with a preamble, so I jump right in.

“The guy in the suit compromised everything and put us all in danger. How he found out about me is a head scratcher. Yes, I work for the CIA and Homeland Security and sometimes the FBI. I don’t do any international stuff, only domestic. No, you couldn’t know. No one knows
about my work with the CIA. Not Huff, not Blake, not anyone. I didn’t tell you because I couldn’t. That’s the whole meaning of undercover. I don’t work for them full-time. They came to me after the whole incident in Iraq. After my court-martial. They offered me a deal and I grabbed it. They wanted me for my inside knowledge of the terror cells and how they operate. My fluency in their languages is also a huge bonus. That’s why everything is so easy for me to get … fake IDs, passports, you name it. My connections with them. They also drive business my way. Yeah, they piss me off because sometimes they have a tendency to think they own me, but they don’t. I apologize for you finding out the way you did, but Gemini, I can’t apologize for not telling you. This is a case of national security. You have to understand this. The other things he said were all lies. I was
not
involved in your mother’s death. I knew
nothing
about you until that night in Austin. You have to believe me. Everything I’ve told you about me, other than the CIA, is the truth. I swear to God.”

She’s quiet for a minute. Finally, she says, “I’m so fucking tired of feeling confused. Every time I think I
have things figured out, someone drops a bomb. Literally.” She rubs her head.

“I know, babe, and I’m sorry. This is a fucking mess, right?”

She snorts. “Um, a mess? That’s a nice way to put it.” She glares at me and says, “I don’t know if I can believe you anymore, Drex. And I’m sick of feeling like I’m living in a fucking cage.”

I nod. “I
don’t blame you. I’d feel the same way. But all I can do is swear to you that what I’m saying is the truth.”

“Who was that guy?”

“Can we sit and talk about this without me worrying that you’re gonna take another swing at me?”

The look she gives me is anything but loving. It’s full of distrust and anger. But she nod
s, so I have to be satisfied with that. She sits and I continue, “I think he was the brother of the Iraqi official I was supposed to take out that night. Or maybe his brother-in-law. He said I killed his nephew.”

“
So how am I connected to him? Was my father Iraqi?”

“Don’t know that
, either. We know he was Middle Eastern. Want to see what’s in the box?”

“You know something? I don’t know if I want to find out anymore.”

“Oh, babe, don’t say that. You have to know. At least to protect yourself.” I crouch in front of her. “Are you okay? Physically? You weren’t injured, were you?”

“No, just shaken up
… again.”

Her hands are fisted so I pry them apart
. “I’m so sorry. I want to protect you, Gem. I’ll do my best, but I made a huge mistake by allowing you to sit in the front seat. I keep making stupid errors with you.”

“So who are you
, Drex? I mean, really? He said Drexel Wolfe isn’t your real name. And you never talk about yourself. Like where you’re from, where you grew up. You’re a huge mystery, which makes me even more suspicious of you.”

She’s spot on
. It’s time to come clean.

“My birth name is James Baxter Drexel. When I joined the Black Ops, they called me Lone Wolf, so it seemed appropriate to change my name after my discharge. The stigma associated with what I did was pretty damn large
, so large that I wanted to start over. So that’s what I did. I ceased being James Drexel and that’s when Drexel Wolfe came to be.

“
I was born in Annapolis, Maryland. My mom was a schoolteacher and a taskmaster at that. My dad was a general in the Marine Corp. I graduated from high school at sixteen and obtained an appointment to West Point. My folks were so proud. You see where this is going, right? We moved around a lot, but I was pushed in the path of my dad. And it was okay because it’s all I ever wanted to do. And everything came easy to me. I completed all my coursework for graduation from West Point in three years. But I couldn’t receive a commission because I was too young. So I had to join the Marines as an enlisted man and then wait until I was twenty-one for my commission. I was put in the Special Forces and then after I received my commission, it was only a matter of time before I was singled out for Black Ops. I was already fluent in Farsi, Pashto, and Arabic so I was the perfect fit. And you know the rest of the story.”

She stares at me for a long time
and gives nothing away. I’m at a loss.

She drops her head and then says, “You’re like fucking Superman.
”

“No
, just your average guy, Gem.”

“Drex, you’re anything
but
average. So what happens now?”

“We check the box and see what it tells us. You ready?”

“No, but it doesn’t matter now, does it?”

T
he contents of
the box are spread out on the huge table when we walk in the room. My thoughts are a cluttered mass of confusion and I just want to go and lie down and forget about this whole thing for a day. No, make that a month. Just go somewhere where I don’t have to worry about someone trying to kill me.

And then there’s Drex. His story confuses me even more. He
’s an amazing person. Wickedly smart, driven, and talented, I look at him and realize he could do anything in the world and succeed. But on the other hand, I’m angry. His explanation makes perfect sense, but I’m still not sure if I trust him. He has kept me safe. But what happens when I find what I’m looking for? Is that when he will turn me over to the CIA and I’ll be hauled off, hidden away for the rest of my life? I don’t know what to think anymore. He talks about how I cloud his judgment. Well, he ought to take a peek inside
my
head. Talk about whiplash! I’m all over the place with him. One minute I want to punch his lights out and the next I want him to fuck me silly. What kind of damn crazy train am I on? And how long will I be able to keep this up?

My throat
tightens, and I massage it, but the air in the room feels too hot and thick to breathe. Sweat beads on my forehead and my hands grow damp. As I scan the room, everyone has their heads bent over whatever it is they’re working on and they’re not paying me any attention. I have an urgent desire to flee, to escape this prison. The noise is just too much. Turning around, I dash out of the room and toward Drex’s office. Ellie stares as I fly by.

I close the door behind me,
unable to breathe. The toe of my shoe catches on the edge of one of the Persian rugs and I end up on my hands and knees, fighting for air. My vision clouds with black dots, and my face tingles. What the hell is going on? The harder I try to get oxygen into my lungs, the tighter my throat gets. After all I’ve been through in the last month, am I going to die by some strange reaction to something?

“Gemini? What’s going on?”

He’s here but I can’t respond because my throat is too tight to speak.

He grabs me from behind and pulls me in
to his lap. “Breathe, nice and slow. You’re having a panic attack.”

A panic attack?
I want to answer him but I can’t. I’ve never had a panic attack in my life. His voice whispers in my ear, soft and gentle, “Keep breathing, babe. Easy does it. You’re fine here. I’ve got you.”

My hands clutch his arms to me, my nails biting into his flesh, but he acts like he doesn’t notice. I’m vaguely aware that the dots in my vision have disappeared, along with the buzzing in my ears. “Focus on your breathing.
In and out. Nice and slow.” His chest behind me is a balm to my nerves, as the vibrations from his voice calm me. The band around my throat eases then disappears and I inhale deeply.

“Good girl.” He stays put and hold
s me to him. I loosen my grip and when I do, so does he. But this whole thing has unhinged me. Nothing is the same. My entire life has been rewritten. I’m a character in a novel and I’m not sure how this story is going to end. Even Drex, who I thought was the most solid thing I’ve ever known, has been dissected right before me. It frightens me to death.

Before I can think about what I’m doing, I spin in his arms. He starts to speak, but I stop him. My words gush out of me
. “I’m not sure what just happened, but I’ve never had a panic attack before and it freaks me. I need to get out of here, Drex. I need to get away from all this. Everything I’ve ever known is false. Me, my name, my mother, my origins, my father, Nick, and now you. I’m a caged bird with broken wings. I know they’ll never heal, but I have to find a way to try.” He starts to speak again, but I stop him, my palm in the air. “I know what you’re going to say. That they’ll kill me or take me away or whatever. But I don’t care anymore. They can have what fucked-up parts of me that are left. And they’ll find out soon enough that I’m not worth anything to them anyway. And as for my mom. You can have all that stuff in there. Maybe it’s worth something to someone. The woman who raised me isn’t the one who left all these clues and boxes behind. I’d rather cherish the memories I have left of her and go on with those. I’m tired of all this.”

“You can’t leave
, Gemini. Please, listen to me. Don’t go. It’s dangerous for you.” There was something in his voice I hadn’t heard before.

“I don’t care. I can’t stay locked away like this forever. I’ll get a wig and move to some remote place where they won’t think to look for me.”

When I try to slide away, he pulls me to him and kisses me hard. “I can’t let you leave like this. At least sleep on it. Aali Imaam will find you within a day and take you to the Middle East. You heard what they said. They think you have that file. If you think you’re caged here, it won’t be anything compared to how you’ll live over there. Please, I’m imploring you to listen to me.”

He’s right and I know it. I agree to stay but my plans are firm. It will only be for
the night.

“Okay, but I’m not going back in there. I don’t want to know what you find.”

He nods and we stand. Then he leaves and I’m alone. As I look out his office windows, I can see the mountains in the distance, soon to be covered in snow. My longing for a bike ride smashes into me and I close my eyes, thinking back about the pleasure of feeling the wind sting my cheeks as I push through the forest. I imagine myself on my bike, the one that was destroyed, still lost on the side of a mountain somewhere, pedaling up a steep grade as my lungs burn. My fingers grip the handles as I shift gears, accommodating for the grade to pick up speed. When I crest the hill, the views are so splendid, I have to stop for a minute, just so I can let them sink in. These are the things I want to experience again, the ones my body cries for. Soon, I’m pedaling through rocks and roots again, bunny-hopping the larger trees and stumps, winding my way up and around the obstacles. I’m sweaty from my efforts. Riding through creeks, over rocks small and large, I emerge as muddy as a kid stomping through puddles. But I don’t notice. It’s not until my ride is over that I even see how much mud I’ve accumulated. It represents the ultimate freedom but when I open my eyes, I’m weighed down with such sadness that I slide down the wall and fold up in the corner.

First it was my mom who would
n’t allow me to enjoy the simple things most kids do. I was raised in a cage under a disguise called love. Then it was the accident that stole my newfound freedom. It even stole the future I had envisioned … a career in marketing. Now, this. Drex has bound me again, and though it’s not his fault, I feel like a prisoner. My heart is attached to his, yet it’s not enough for me. I need freedom. The simple pleasure of being able to walk around and not be afraid. And of being myself again. Independent and without all these mysteries.

That night,
as we prepare for bed, Drex studies me and I know he suspects something.

“You don’t want to know anything at all?”

Shaking my head, I say, “No. I told you already. I don’t care. My parents shit on me. Why would I care about what’s in there? They’ve ruined my life.”

“But they
…”

“Stop, Drex. I don’t want to know.”

He shrugs and leaves me alone in the bathroom.

When I walk out, he’s sitting up in bed, his back against the headboard. “Gem, what can I do?”

“Nothing. There’s not a thing in the world.”

“I feel so helpless.”

“That makes two of us.”

“Will you at least let me hold you?”

If I do that, I’m worried I won’t be able to do what needs to be done. But when I look at his face, his beautiful face, I know I’m breaking his heart. So I get into bed and as I curl up next to him, I say, “You can always hold me, Drex. I love you.”

“God
, Gem, I love you too. More than anything. And I don’t know how to help you here. I’m losing you. It’s written, on your face, in the way you move. Please stay.”

Every word pull
s me apart, bit by bit, but I know I can’t give in to him. Staying will only make things more toxic between us. But I know he won’t let me leave, either. Knowing Drex the way I do, he’ll stop at nothing to guarantee my safety, even if it means locking me up.

“Yes, I’ll stay.” I dare not look at him
; he’ll see the lies written all over my face. Even I can hear them in my voice. He doesn’t say anything but I’m sure he hears them too. He slides down and holds me close. My head rests on his chest, my arm around him. I wish I could kiss him, but it would be my greatest mistake. He would taste the salt from the tears lining my cheeks, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them.

Our brief time together
zips through my mind, and I know I’ll always ache for Drex. There will be nothing about him that I won’t miss. I’m not sure how much time passes, but I feel the soft rise and fall of his chest. It’s time now so I ease away, careful not to disturb him. My backpack holds everything I’ll be taking, which isn’t much. I grab a small knife from the kitchen and bring it back to the bathroom where I’ve got the alcohol and bandages out. I press around with my fingers, hunting for the tiny lump of the microchip. Then I scrub my hip and fingers with the alcohol and do the same to the knife. I grit my teeth and make a tiny incision. It stings but I keep going. Using the knife tip, I gouge out the chip and pour more alcohol on the wound. It burns like fire, but I apply pressure to stop the bleeding, pad it with gauze, and tape it.

Once
dressed, I grab the pack and go to the small room that Drex uses as an office. I find his wallet and take out a wad of cash. Right before I walk out the door, I leave an envelope on the kitchen counter for him.

Since this place has as much security as
the Pentagon, I realize that he’ll know in about five minutes that I’ve gone. I hit the service elevator and take it to the first floor. When I hit the open air, I get away from DWInvestigations as fast as I can. There’s an all-night club called The Open Container about two blocks away, so I hurry inside to the restroom.

As soon as I
’m inside, I head to a stall. It’s pretty gross, but I don’t care. I pull off my black sweater and toss it aside. Inside my pack is a long blond wig. I put it on along with a pale blue hoodie, black leggings, and a black skirt. My jeans go back in the pack and I put on a ton of lipstick. After I check myself out in the mirror, I’m out the door. On a security camera, I won’t look like me. Up close is another thing.

I walk around the
huge bar, hunting for a rear exit. When I find it, I move. At the last minute, I change my mind. I know there’ll be cameras everywhere so I reroute to the front. Less conspicuous that way. Easier to catch a cab too.

I tell
the cabbie to take me to any rental car service at Denver International Airport. I need a car because I’m going to Boulder. I don’t dare breathe until I get my car and am on the highway.

Forty-five minutes later, I’m in
Boulder. It’s close to dawn and I drive by the store where I used to work. As the sun rises, I can feel my body humming with energy like I haven’t felt in ages. The store doesn’t open until nine, so I head over to a breakfast joint and find a place to plant for a couple of hours. As I sip my coffee, my excitement nearly bursts out of me for what’s ahead. I need to buy just about everything—a bike, suit, socks, shoes. And a helmet.

Minutes tick by and when it’s five until nine, I
’m parked in front of the store. My blond wig is gone and it’s just the old Gemini getting ready to waltz inside. When I spy a hand flip the “Closed” sign over, I’m almost running for the door.

The electronic buzzer dings when I
walk in. Jason is working today. He’s one of the owners—it’ll be great to see him.

“Hey, just let me know if I can help you with anything,” he shouts.

“Aren’t you at least going to say hi?”

He peeks over the counter and stares for
a moment before breaking into a laugh. “Oh my God … it’s a blast from the not-so-distant past. How the hell are you, girl?”

“Okay, I guess.
You?”

H
e scoots around and picks me up for a huge hug. “So, what brings you back this way? I suppose you heard about Nick …”

“Yeah, it
’s awful.”