Tragic Love (13 page)

I guess I was expecting her to have this unexplainable connection with Mia from the moment she was born. Instead, she seems very sad and I caught her crying in the bathroom this morning when I took Mia back down to the nursery. The doctor is coming in to speak to Presley. I think I will need to have a private conversation with him regarding her behavior because I don’t know if this is really normal or not, even with everything I’ve read.

“Okay, Presley, do you have any more questions for me before you and little Mia go home?” Dr. Kohen asks while scribbling on his chart. She merely shakes her head no then lies down on the mattress, covering herself with the white cotton sheet. “Well, good luck to you and I will see you in a couple of weeks for your check up.” He shakes my hand and gives Presley a little squeeze on her shoulder then walks out into the hall.

She looks so sad and overwhelmed lying on the cold, hard hospital bed. It’s breaking my heart. I walk to her side, bending to give her a kiss then say, “Hey baby.” She looks up into my eyes and gives me a sad smile. “It will be okay. We will be fine and you will be an amazing mother.”

“How do you know? Because I don’t feel like an amazing anything right now.” A lone tear leaks from her brown eyes and runs down the side of her face, leaving a small circle of moisture on the pillow.

“I can feel it. Look at everything you’ve already been through in your life and look how you survived. You’re a strong, loving and an amazing woman who’s wonderful in every way. I wouldn’t pick anyone else to be my daughter’s mother because you are perfect.”I kiss away another stray tear and then plant another one on her soft lips. “I’m going to check on Mia and give Jake a call to see if he’s going to drive us home. He refused to ride in Delilah’s rented Ford Focus, and rather than listen to him bitch, I let him drive the Chevelle home.”

I turn and walk out the door to find Dr. Kohen standing outside the room writing more notes in Presley’s chart. “Hey doc, I’m a little concerned about her mood. She doesn’t seem like herself. Is this something I need to be worried about?” I ask.

Dr. Kohen clicks the end of his pen and tucks it into the front pocket of his dress shirt. He is a medium built man with white hair and round, wire framed glasses. He always has a smile on his face and I can tell he thoroughly enjoys his job. “Great question, Drake. It is very common for a new mother to experience the baby blues. She will probably have bouts of sadness and frustration then start crying for no apparent reason. It’s very important
you
keep a positive attitude during this time to help her adjust to life as a new mother. Do you have anyone to help her out once you get home?”

“Yes. I’ll be there for the first week, and once her best friend finishes up her college semester, she will be staying in town to help for the summer.” I was so happy when Delilah told me her summer plans. She wasn’t sure if she could spend another summer in Sulfur Heights, her parents being uptight and all, but she said she made a compelling argument and they allowed it. Honestly? She’s an adult for fuck sakes, why would they even have a say in what she does?

“Oh good.” The doctor smiles and pulls the pen out again from his pocket.

“How long will this last?”

“Typically, it shouldn’t last longer than a couple of weeks, but if you notice she’s getting worse or it hasn’t resolved itself after a month, bring her in immediately. We may need to treat her with postpartum depression at that point.”

“Thank you, doctor.” I shake his hand and move down to the nursery where my baby girl is sound asleep in her bed.

The maternity floor is pretty nice compared to the rest of the hospital. Normally, when you’re walking through the halls, it’s common to see people tore up from fighting and junkies tweaking in the waiting room, however the maternity floor is anything other than that. The women stay in the same room where they give birth, there’s a snack room with vending machines across the hall from where Presley is staying and the waiting room chairs are actually semi comfortable.

The hub of the maternity floor is the nursery. It’s a glass room filled with beds, babies and medical equipment. When I reach the secured door, I knock, waiting for the nurse to allow me to come in. She examines my bracelet then allows me in. I go straight to where Mia is, scoop my hands under her little body then pick up my tiny girl. She makes the most adorable little sound as I move her from her bed and nestle her onto my shoulder and chest. I secure my hands around her fragile frame, in awe at how she instantly gets comfortable in her new position. I love her here, always protected in my arms.

After we sign the discharge paperwork, Presley is pushed out the revolving door in a wheelchair where Delilah and Jake are waiting with the Chevelle. I carry Mia in her car seat carrier thing and Darcie handles everything else. We were only in there a few days, so I’m not sure how we accumulated so much stuff, yet there it is. I settle Mia in the back seat and make everyone else ride with Darcie so the three of us can have a quiet ride to our new home. When I pull onto the street, I can’t help feeling overjoyed as I point the car in the direction of our future.

When I pull into the parking lot of our apartment complex, I can’t wipe the huge smile off my face. Never in my life did I predict I would be a father—especially at nineteen—I’m so glad I am, though. Watching the birth of my daughter has brought new meaning to my life, giving more purpose and the comfort in knowing there is this one person in the world who truly belongs to me. She will always be mine.

Presley

It’s been six weeks since I left the hospital and the fear living inside of me has consumed every single thought my mind produces. Not only do I have to feel the dread of my past, but I’m struggling to get a grip on my future. At my two week check up, Darcie so kindly mentioned to the doctor about my mood swings and constant crying. She said she was under Drake’s orders and was just doing what she was told. Honestly, Darcie never does what she’s told and the whole appointment pissed me off. Instantly livid, not wanting anyone to know how I’m feeling inside, I put on the fakest act I could muster in hopes to get home and to my bed. The doctor put me on antidepressant medication to help with the sadness I experience on a daily basis. It’s been in my system for a month and so far I can’t sleep and my invading dreams are making me crazy. I hate feeling anxious and scared all the time.

Drake went back to work at both jobs a week after we came home. I miss him so much. He is not around enough to help with the baby and it’s leaving me in charge of fully caring for her. I have no freaking idea what I’m doing and really don’t care to know how to tend for a child. On the upside, our retired school teacher neighbor, Mrs. Fields, is more than happy to help with everything. I am counting down the days until Delilah will be here. She should be arriving soon and I’ve already decided she will be Mia’s nanny while I try to sleep, forgetting about the reality of my life.

At my six week appointment this morning, the doctor told me I was cleared to be as active as much as I was before Mia was born, which means I can finally have sex. I tried to break the rule with Drake a couple of weeks ago, but he was insistent we follow doctor’s orders.
They’re there for a reason, Presley,
he would say. After that, I ran into the bathroom and cried for two hours.

My body is finally looking like it was before I got pregnant, other than the road map to hell etched on my stomach. Damn stretch marks. I’m back in my old jeans and shirts. I was quite concerned because I gained fifty pounds and chose not to nurse Mia. Apparently, it’s the quickest way to burn calories after having a baby, but I wanted nothing to do with nursing. Drake read in one of his stupid books it’s the best way for a mother to bond with her baby, so I instantly shot the idea down. I don’t want to bond with her because I don’t want her. I never did.

I feel somewhat guilty for having thoughts of not wanting my baby. I don’t have an urge to hurt her or anything, but I hold a lot of resentment toward her and I know it’s completely fucked up. She did nothing wrong. Mia never asked to be born, yet I can’t shake the feelings of helplessness whenever I look at her. Watching Drake with Mia makes me wish she was never born. He used to admire me, put me high on a pedestal and now it’s Mia. For here on out, it will always be Mia and the thought breaks apart my already tattered heart, but it’s how it’s supposed to be. Daddies are engrained to hold their daughters to the highest regard.

Drake

Finally, it’s been six, long weeks and the doctor has cleared Presley to have sex. I don’t ever remember having to struggle with my raging hard-on as much as I have been. Even when we weren’t speaking to each other, I had no desire to do anything sexual with Presley. I was so angry it completely turned me off. I could hardly stand to be around her— making the abstinence no big deal—now, it’s always present in my mind. She will walk into our room wearing her bra and panties, just fresh from the shower, and I practically explode.

Her body is looks just as amazing as it did before she was pregnant. In all honesty, it wouldn’t matter how she looked after having Mia because she will always be perfect in my eyes. On several occasions, I thought about asking her to at least give me a blow job, but she seemed so sad and detached I didn’t think it was appropriate. So I rubbed one out in the shower before I went to bed, but it’s only a temporary fix for the desire I have to be deep inside Presley.

It’s Friday night, actually Saturday morning, and
The Slab
was brutal tonight. The bar was packed full of customers, Jake in another whiskey-fueled fight and way too many skanks pawing at me. If I’ve learned anything from Reggie, it’s how to let down the slutty girls so they tip well, but keep their distance. I haven’t been home since five o’clock Friday morning and I’m exhausted.

After finishing my shift at the steel factory, I go to work at
The Slab
to help bartend. These nights are incredibly hard on me because I get little sleep and have no time to spend with Presley and Mia. I miss them both like crazy, but I want to make a better life for both of them, so until I can put a good chunk of money away, I will be working both jobs. Presley has no desire to work or go to school and I’m fine with that; little girls need to be with their mothers when they’re young. I’m a man. This is what I’m supposed to do, be the provider and protector of my family and there isn’t another job I would rather have.

I finish counting out my tips and restocking the cooler when Reggie walks in and tells me to go home. I have never been so glad to hear that one word in my entire life.
Home
. It’s almost three o’clock in the morning and I’ve been up for the last twenty-two hours.

“Good night, Reggie. What time do you want me in tomorrow night?” I ask while throwing the dirty bar rag on the counter.

“Eight-thirty will be fine. Jake said that he, Delilah and Jeremy were coming down to unwind. You should try and get a babysitter so Presley can come, too. She hasn’t been out of the house much since Mia was born.” Reggie moves from behind the bar and takes a seat on the stool next to me. “Is everything okay with that?”

“Yeah, she’s fine, just doesn’t have the desire to go anywhere. I’ll talk to her and see what she says. Are you sure it’s a good idea to have Jake down here tomorrow? He was acting like a lunatic.” I start making my way through the bar top tables and chairs, heading for the front entrance.

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow and see what the hell his problem was. He’s on the verge from being banned if he doesn’t get his shit together. I’ll catch you tomorrow.”

I walk out the door and feel a warm summer breeze graze against my skin. There is only one thing on my mind and that is to have my woman naked and underneath me. I get into the Chevelle and head home.

When I pull up to park there is a man sitting around the entrance to the pool. When we moved into the apartment I had seen him on several occasions sitting poolside, especially late at night. I get an uneasy feeling about him. He never has anyone around him and intently looks at people as they pass by. It’s a bit shady to me. His black baseball hat is always pulled down across his forehead almost covering his eyes. I don’t like not being able to see a man’s eyes. Reggie has trained me that you can always predict your opponent’s next move by studying their eyes. I hope it never comes to that, but I can’t ignore the feeling that he and I won’t see eye to eye in the future.

I pass the creep, making my way to the steps, taking them two at a time. Once I reach the apartment, a dim light from the kitchen aids me in moving around my apartment without knocking something over. There is not much to our apartment. The front door opens to a living room where we have a thrift shop plaid couch and chair, coffee table and small entertainment stand with a tiny flat screen TV. To the left of the front door there is a space for a table which Mia’s swing and other toys occupies. The entrance of the narrow, galley-style kitchen opens in front of the dining area. Straight ahead from the front door is a small hallway where the bedrooms and bathroom are. It’s not as open as the house, but it works for us, and hopefully soon, I can get us into a bigger place, maybe even a house.

I carefully open the door to Mia’s bedroom to check on my sweet girl. She is curled up in the corner of her crib, sleeping away. Delilah went crazy in Mia’s nursery when we moved in here. Recruiting Jake, she painted a garden of flowers on the walls using every color in creation, hung pink curtains, and convinced him to buy a canopy style, white crib as a present for Presley’s shower. He bitched about it the entire time and even more when Delilah made him put it together. They worked pretty hard assembling everything to make the room perfect for Mia. Jeremy even pitched in and put a bunch of toys and a shelf together.

I lean over Mia’s crib and kiss her on the side of her head. She still has a full head of dark brown hair, Presley’s beautiful eyes and my full lips, but is turning into a little chunk. Dimples surface on her cheeks each time she smiles and it captures my heart every single time.