Transitions (A Thousand Words Book 1) (17 page)

“Have you talked to your shrink about this?” Lindsay asked. Dev looked at her like she’d just suggested something shocking.

“No. Are you serious?”

“Dev, what the hell is she there for if not to help you? Shyness is one thing. Your snake phobia thing is another. Losing your parents –”

“Nicholas. Thanksgiving reminds me of Nicholas dying. And a little of Flynn’s twins chasing me around that first year they were here. Now they just sit back and stare at me.”

“So that’s something else you should be talking through with her. I know you’re having a hard time with this, with my past. Making what I am reconcile with who you are. Dev, honey, you can talk to me about those other things and you know I’ll listen and help you wherever I can, but you need an outside, impartial opinion on your feelings for me.”

Lindsay said a silent prayer that she had anything close to an accurate feel for Dev’s shrink, even though all her information was second hand. Surely the woman would see Dev was repressing his desires, normal healthy urges, because of guilt.

“You want me to tell Dr. Braithewait I’m dating a nymphomaniac? Tell her your story?”

“Yes. See what she says about your guilty feelings. How to reconcile your stance on ‘not unless we’re married’ with my need to express our love physically.”

Dev looked horrified. Lindsay wondered if she went too far. She kissed him again, another sweet, chaste kiss to give him something different to think about: it was for her.
She
was the one asking for him to do this.

“Lin, I can’t –”

“If you don’t, I’ll go to Flynn and tell him and have him pass it on to her. Braithewait’s going to find out one way or another. You’re withholding, that’s counterproductive in therapy.”

“I learned it from you, if you recall.”

“Maybe, but that’s me. I’ve been in therapy most of my life. Dev, you can’t fix me, not completely. You’ve given me strength, but it’s not the same. I’m still just suppressing the urges and I feel like I’m going to explode. I love you. You tell me you love me and I believe it; but when you’re not right here with me, it fades and I have doubts and bad dreams and I . . . I’m losing my grip on this.”

Dev looked at her a moment. “Are
you
withholding? You’re still in therapy, right? Weekly? Did you tell your shrink this?”

Lindsay nodded. “I did and she’s empathetic, but it’s not really helping. She knows that too.”

Dev nodded unhappily.

“Dev, please?”

He took a deep breath and gave her a curt nod. “All right. I’ll tell her.”

○ ○ ○

Dev had a difficult time coming clean with his psychologist about Lindsay. He’d been withholding information the entire time he’d been working with her. To combat the guilt he was going to feel over that, he worked hard to find a reptile breeder that specialized in rattlesnakes and other venomous snakes in his area. It was harder than it sounded. Massachusetts had some over-the-top strict laws about exotic animals. He finally gave up and invested in a struggling company in Rhode Island. They were more than happy to teach him how to handle the snakes. Dev had a mild panic attack every time he thought about it, but was determined to do it anyway. He just wasn’t sure if he was going to tell Dr. Braithewait.

When he couldn’t put it off any longer, Dev walked into his psychologist’s office to tell her a secret he’d been holding onto for years, while now holding onto another one. Dev was pretty sure there was something wrong with him. He was a pathological secret-keeper. Not that it seemed to fool Dr. Braithewait for a second.

“Devin.” Dr. Braithewait sighed when he’d finished. She let him talk without interrupting. Now she just sat there like she was somehow disappointed and tired. Disappointed he supposed he understood, but tired?

“Yeah?”

“Am I correct in assuming Lindsay prompted you to tell me all this when you saw her over Thanksgiving break?”

“Um, yeah.”

“And yet here we are, two days before you leave for Christmas break. Why did you wait?”

Dev gaped at her. Not why wait two years, but why wait a month?
Really
? “What?”

“Was it because you’re going to have to face her in two days? Or is there more that you’re not telling me? The truth now.”

Dev’s defiance wilted. “Both. Can we focus on the first one?”

She let one blond eyebrow quirk upward.

“Please?”

“Is the other thing time sensitive?”

“No.”

“Can we discuss it when you come back?”

Dev’s shoulders sagged into his chair and he nodded. “You won’t like it.”

“I’m sure. We’ll schedule that for January then. I can’t wait to see what sort of mischief you’ve whipped up.”

“I’m pretty sure you’ll change your mind.” Dev stared at the ceiling. She was going to run him through the ringer when she found out he wanted to play with rattlesnakes because his mother’s best friend got bit by one and died. Actually, she already knew about Nicholas and his resulting phobia.

“Oh good, that promises to be interesting. Now, back to Lindsay. Leave it to you to find the most fascinating girlfriend,” Dr. Braithewait began. Dev cringed.

Lindsay wanted to scream in frustration. Why, if she loved Dev and he loved her, did he make her constantly want to pull her hair out?

Christmas was torture. Beyond torture.

Dev told Dr. Braithewait about Lindsay, about her past, her current problem, and the problem that left them to figure out. His values versus her needs. He told her about his guilty feelings every time they let things physically warm up, even just a little bit.

As Lindsay hoped, Dr. Braithewait zeroed right in on those guilty feelings and started working diligently to get Dev past them. Unfortunately she also said Lindsay needed to review her own therapy and not pressure Dev to reexamine his moral stance. What an old-fashioned shrew! Lindsay stomped around her bedroom wishing she could get satisfaction from throwing things.

Fine, she thought, throwing herself on her bed. She was the one on the spot now, so she had to shake up her therapy. Again. You’d think, after thirteen years, something would have helped. Something besides Dev. Whatever. She’d give it a go because she loved him and his doctor told her to.

So Lindsay tried. She tried to adjust her mindset. She tried not to even look at the boys at school, most of whom realized she was no longer available. She went faithfully to group therapy and honestly participated. Not that she wasn’t going faithfully and honestly participating before, but she really threw herself into it.

She didn’t tell Dev about the three times she’d ‘slipped’ in the past couple of years while he was away at college. He didn’t ask and didn’t want to know. And she had a breakdown when she slipped again just after Valentine’s Day. At least she knew her partner, Ruby’s cousin from California, would keep quiet about it. But that it happened when the flowers he sent her were still in bloom bothered Lindsay more than the actual affair.

It was simple, Lindsay decided. She tried – honestly tried – therapy and it wasn’t working. In fact, she was getting worse. Before she could always hold it together whenever Dev was around or she at least had reminders of him. Right after holidays or her birthday were easy because she had gifts and flowers as new tokens of his affection. That wasn’t doing it anymore. She needed Dev. She needed more than he was giving her.

Her spring break was coming up, but Dev’s wasn’t until the end of March, a week later. Lindsay would have given anything for them to line up. Kenny had some interview set up for the band in Chicago the weekend his spring break officially started. An interview with A Thousand Words that some ridiculous little teen magazine would use to make their circulation requirement for the month. Why didn’t they call it what it was? An interview with Jess with a few quotes from Dev while Kenny and Bryan sat there and watched. With accompanying pictures. The details didn’t matter, what did was Kenny had effectively stopped Dev from hurrying home to spend the break with her. He could have booked this quick interview any time if they were willing to do it on a Saturday, which clearly they were. Dev could have flown out the Friday before and back to Boston on Sunday, and it wouldn’t have interfered with school or his break at all. Kenny did it this way to cut down the time Dev would have in Seattle, with her.

She couldn’t corner him here anyway, Lindsay realized. Dev would disapprove of Lindsay skipping school to spend time with him and her parents were as likely to run interference as Jess and Kenny were. Meeting Dev away from home, on neutral ground, might be the opportunity she’d been waiting for to show her honey just how much she needed him. Lindsay didn’t need to push him too much. She wasn’t about to push him away. Just enough to nudge him outside of that emotional prison he’d accidentally locked himself in. Kenny might have accidentally done her a favor.

Lindsay considered her options and planned with determination. She was a senior, it was her last semester, and she was already eighteen. Lindsay approached her teachers and most were amiable to giving her the assignments for the week of Dev’s spring break early. She completed them easily and gave them to a friend to hand in the following Monday. Now she just had to ambush Dev.

○ ○ ○

“I’m taking a long weekend and flying out to meet you,” Lindsay said when she called Dev on Thursday.

“Baby, I’ve got a photo shoot and interview in Chicago. I’m flying out as soon as my one o’clock class is over Friday.”

“I know. Email me the hotel info and I’ll meet you there,” Lindsay agreed and hung up before Dev could protest.

Dev sighed. It was getting more difficult, and once Lindsay graduated it was going to get worse yet. He looked up the number for the hotel and dialed it. He should marry her now and save them both a lot of trouble. The problem was he wasn’t ready yet and neither was she. Marriage was a commitment. A responsibility Dev knew he wasn’t prepared for. He loved Lindsay, that wasn’t the problem, and he knew he would marry her from the beginning. Dev felt they belonged together to his very core. Getting married now, before they were both ready, would sabotage their relationship.

He wondered how the hell Bryan managed it at eighteen when Dev was sure he couldn’t at twenty. His mom always said it was ridiculous to get married young. She’d know. Of course it had worked for her. He laughed as he remembered her exasperated argument once with Jess. She said it was unacceptable not to be old enough to drink at your own wedding.

In three years Lindsay would be twenty-one and old enough by his mother’s standard. He’d graduate by then too. Perfect. Dev was confident they’d both be ready by then. He’d discuss it with her this weekend, Dev decided as the hotel picked up and he booked a second room.

○ ○ ○

Lindsay sat in the waiting room and thumbed through a magazine. The receptionist didn’t have nearly enough phone calls to keep her busy and stop her from stealing long glances at Lindsay as she sat there waiting. Lindsay tried to ignore her. If she were alone, she might think the stylish redhead was gay, or that maybe her own hair was out of place, or that maybe she was extraordinarily pretty today. Except Lindsay walked in with Dev, and he gave her a quick kiss on the cheek before following the others back for the interview, so she knew very well the woman was jealous.

She tossed the magazine back on the table in disgust. The ridiculous little teen magazine had better pictures of her boyfriend than she did. Although she knew what he looked like with his shirt off. Hopefully, before the night was through, with his pants off too. Lindsay smiled at the thought, then the smile fell away when she remembered her dad’s reaction to discovering she was leaving for Chicago to meet Dev. That didn’t go well. She’d saved her allowance and earned money tutoring the basketball team, genuinely tutoring them. Jack couldn’t stop her, but he wasn’t happy.

Lindsay looked up as Bryan and Kenny walked out. She craned her neck to look down the hall behind them.

“He’s still back there, Lin. Relax, it’ll be a while longer,” Bryan said.

She nodded. Pretty much like she thought, they really only wanted to talk to Jess and Dev.

“Kick you out so there are fewer people to shield Dev?” Lindsay asked.

Bryan laughed. “Like it really matters. Jess is the one who does it all anyway, and no one kicks him out.”

Kenny loitered by the receptionist but Bryan came over to sit with her.

“Have they tried kicking Jess out?” Lindsay asked.

Bryan nodded. “Dev follows him. You’d think they were inseparable. Actually, I think the media all have the idea that Jess and Dev are tight. The way they banter and play on stage, Jess covering for him in interviews; it all paints a picture.”

“Wouldn’t they be surprised,” Lindsay shook her head in disbelief that people bought it.

“Well, we’re
all
pretty tight. It’s not completely wrong.”

“Just mostly.” She grinned at Bryan.

“Yeah.” He shrugged.

Lindsay turned when she heard Jess’s voice in the hall and Dev’s moan in response. As they got closer, she could make out what Jess was fussing about.

“I can’t believe you said that,” Jess entered the waiting room shaking his head.

Lindsay was instantly on alert. Dev misspoke?
Dev?
She watched Kenny turn from the receptionist, horror on his face as he looked from Jess to Dev in alarm.

“What?” Kenny asked.

Dev caught Kenny’s eye and tried to slink away toward where Lindsay and Bryan sat but Jess caught his arm and pulled him back.

“Oh, no you don’t. Sam asked if there was anything he really wanted to do, what was it? You’d think he’d say something like visit the Great Wall or something –”

“It’s not like –” Dev interrupted.

“Shut up. You had your chance at great responses, twerp. No, our darling nerd said he wanted to sneak into Comic-Con and meet the cast of
Firefly
.”

Beside Lindsay, Bryan laughed.

“
Firefly
?” Kenny asked.

“Some show that got canceled over a decade ago after only a few episodes. I had to
ask
. What a geek!”

“Now be fair, it has a following,” Bryan said.

“You,” Jess pointed a finger at Bryan, “are not allowed to defend him.”

“And there was a movie,” Lindsay added with a grin.

“Are you defending your boyfriend or annoying Jess?” Kenny asked.

“Either. Both.” She shrugged.

“Whatever,” Jess said, frowning. “You’re not even supposed to be here, so you’re not allowed to speak.”

“Hey!” Dev protested.

“Go. Take her somewhere.” Jess released him.

“Jess, you’re no fun when Bren’s not around,” Lindsay told him.

Jess cringed.

“Don’t remind them of that, Lin,” Bryan said and pulled her to her feet. He nudged her into Dev’s arms and positioned himself to act as a barrier as Dev led her out the door to find a cab.

○ ○ ○

“I see,” Lindsay nodded in understanding, if not agreement, when Dev relayed his marriage plan later in his hotel room. “Do you really have to reason through everything? Any room in there for a little ‘wing it and see what happens’?”

“I’m not crazy, Lin, even the best laid plans have to be flexible. Things come up. But it gives you a chance to start college in the fall and get a few classes under your belt.”

“And you’ll want me running off to school or work every day once we’re married? So the time we do have while you’re not flying here or there will be further paired down by my schedule?”

“Well, no. Not unless you want to, of course. Baby, it’s just that you know I think you’re smart and I thought you might want to . . .”

“Follow in your footsteps and get a degree I’ll never use,” Lindsay finished for him with a frown. Dev looked concerned and upset. This obviously wasn’t going the way he’d planned. Well, it wasn’t going the way she planned either.

Lindsay pulled on a smile. “I don’t want to argue. I’m just happy to be here with you.” She stood and took Dev’s hand, pulling him to his feet.

He was in a suite, this one had a small breakfast table near full height windows overlooking the city. She slung her purse over her shoulder, led him to the table, and pulled out a chair. Dev sat as directed, not protesting the switch from the comfy sofa to the hard, straight-backed chair. Lindsay dropped her purse on the floor beside him and sat on his lap. She kissed him and he cooperated completely. Of course, he would, it was only mid-day and the noisy street below the window gave the illusion they weren’t alone.

“Tell me how the interview went,” Lindsay prompted, reaching for her purse again. “Aside from the
Firefly
reference. Fun, by the way. Was that for me?”

“It was. I thought you’d like that.”

“I do. So how’d the rest go?”

“It sucked. I kept coughing because of my asthma and the inhaler wasn’t really helping.”

“I thought you’ve been doing okay with the new meds.” Lindsay frowned. She pulled out a raspberry flavored lip balm and applied it liberally.

“I was, well, I am. Stress always increases the risk, you know. The photographer was a smoker and I think that tipped the scales. Kenny was pretty mad although there wasn’t much he could do about it. The guy wasn’t smoking, the smell just clung to him.” He hesitated when Lindsay held up the lip balm to try to apply it to him too.

“It’s raspberry,” she scolded when he frowned. He held still and she glided the balm over his lips. “What have you got against the classic cherry flavor anyway?”

“It reminds me of cough medicine.”

Lindsay put the lip balm away. Then, sliding off Dev’s lap to kneel in front of him, she played with his tie. “What does raspberry remind you of?” She kissed him tenderly.

“Mmmm. You,” Dev answered and kissed her again. Lindsay reached down into her purse again, then up to Dev’s strong arms. She slowly pulled his hands from her waist to behind his back as she leaned forward and kissed him passionately. He leaned back into the chair, not paying attention to her hands until he felt the handcuffs lock his wrists behind the back of the chair.