Translucent (12 page)

And so it dragged on for the fourth time.
The anticipation killed her. The anxiety killed her. She was being stabbed every day and there was absolutely no way to defend herself.

What sort of person, or thing, could produce such anxiety in
someone
? Perhaps that wa
s
really the Sandman’
s greatest power. Yes, he could turn other people into him, and he could appear and disappear as he pleased, even in her dreams, and he could even keep starting her life over again and again. But his greatest power was the producti
on of anxiety within one’s mind
. She could see it in Shawn, how it was constantly killing him even more than it was her.

Why on earth would he want t
o do this though? Was he anyone
who could be reasoned with, or the kind of person who would have any rational whatsoev
er behind doing this to a someone
? Or was he just doing it for no reason at all? So many questions and not enough answers. The more she found out, the less she knew.
It was an antithesis, an impossible situation, and yet it was somehow possible, somehow it happened.

Karena grew up in a regular fashion. She sped through her younger
years and into her childhood. She quickly came to the realization that nothing in the world in general would be different unless she herself changed it.
It was like it was programmed to do one thing over and over again,
even down to matters of mere probability,
and the only people who
could
ever alter what happened were
her and Shawn.
And the Sandman, of course.

But she couldn’t find Shawn in this life. She knew where he lived now, and she knew where he should be, but for some inexplicable reason Shawn Ryker was nowhere anywhere. She carried out her search again, but not as vigorously as last time. Something had changed somehow. She no longer had the vivacity she’d had before. Above all, she felt a dee
p, pressing sense of exhaustion, that made her search for him slow down, and though she continued looking everywhere, she didn’t find him anywhere, and
in time she practically ceased the search all together.

She supposed she shouldn’t be surprised. Just because he’d been there in her 3
rd
life didn’t mean he’d be there in this one. It had probably been a matter of pure coincidence, something that might only happen once.
Either that, or it was the Sandman, separating
them for some reason. Thinking about it, the latter was far more likely.
It was exactly the kind of thing he would do.

The years dragged on like molasses
once she reached about 5 or so years of age
, and there was never anything new, just like there never had been. It seemed like the more she grew up the farther she was away from being grown up. She was impatient.

But what would it be when she grew up, anyway? She’d just start over again. And again. And again and again and again and again in a never ending cycle. The whole thing was ridiculous, and after 4 lifetimes of it Karena was fed up.

She realized she’d do anything to stop the cycle.
She wished desperately that there was something, anything, she could do to end it, but there was nothing, just like there always had been nothing.

And so time dragged on and Karena let it drag on, because there was nothing she could do about it. Sometimes it seemed almost like she wasn’t there, like the world wasn’t there, so detached was she from it. It seemed, at times, like she had died
and wasn’t even physically present
. How could any of this be possible, anyway?

But she was there, and she hadn’t died, and that was that.

And then, after years and years, she found Shawn.

12 years later…

She was 13 in her 4
th
body when she found him. Normally at this time he would be 27 and just about ready to be taken again. But not this time. This time he wasn’t
a grown up at all. The reason that Karena hadn’t been able to find him before was because he hadn’t existed before. Things had reversed, because formally Shawn had always been the older one, and now it was the opposite. Karena was the older one, and she realized this when looking down at the
2-year-old
Shawn Ryker lying in the crib in front of her.

It had stared when the media started going crazy over this
two-year-old
boy who was a genius. Karena normally didn’t pay attention to the news, there was nothing new that would happen
, anyway, so what was the point?
But this story was from her own city, and it was hard not to notice what was g
oing on.
Even then, Karena still wouldn’t have noticed it if it hadn’t been for this inexplicable nagging sense that she should look into it. And as soon as she did
, she knew who it was.

It was a boy in the town, a
two-year-old
who had better knowledge than many adults, and Karena didn’t even need to look up the boy’s name to know that it was Shawn Ryker.

She found where he lived easily, and at first she had a hard time getting into his house. His parents were frustrated with the constant media there and all the fans who wanted to come and see the child, and she assumed Karena was another one of them when she showed up at Shawn’s house one day.

“I can’t just allow every fan who wants to see Shawn just walk in here and see him, surely you can understand that,” said Shawn’s mom. It was clear that she wasn’t happy about how much her son’s intelligence was affecting her life and her family life. “We need some time alone too, you know.”

“I know,” said Karena. “But trust me, I’m no ordinary fan. Go tell Shawn that Karena is here to see him.”

The mother left for a moment, and Karena stood awkwardly on the doorstep, feeling strangely self-aware, a feeling she wasn’t used to, and a feeling she didn’t like.
In a minute, however, the mother came back to the door and ushered her inside.

“How do you even know my son?” she asked.

“We’ve known each other a long time,” Karena answered.

“What do you mean? He’s only two years old.”

“Just never mind,” Karena said wearily, not wanting to have to explain everything to her.

They went into Shawn’s room, and at first Karena couldn’t believe that the young b
aby in front of her was Shawn. She’d seen pictures of him before in the newspapers, and she hadn’t believed it could be him then, but now, with him sitting right in front of her, it was impossible. And yet as
soon as he saw her, his eyes went big, and she knew it was him.

“Karena,” he said. “What happened? Why are you here? You’re not even supposed to exist yet! What is it?”

“I don’t know,” Karena said, sitting down wearily. “Things have reversed somehow. I’ve lived 13 years and you haven’t existed, and now all of a sudden you do.”

Shawn was taken aback by this news. “I know,” said Karena. “I’m just as surprised as you are. I don’t know what this could possibly mean.”

“He’s messing with us,” Shawn said.
“
After
9 lives, I suppose
he thought it was time for a change. He’s just playing around with us, I’m sure of it.”

“That’s what I think, too,” said Karena. “And I don’t think that there’s any reason behind it. It’s like a cat plays with a mouse before he eats it. Except, I don’t even know if he’ll ever eat us. It looks like he’ll just keep playing around with us forever.”

Shawn was still
stunned
by this development. None of this made any sense. Why would they be of the exact same relation age-wise in one life but not in another?
There was no logic behind it.
On
ce again, he was clearly messing
with them, using his power to trick them all the time.

“Um, excuse me,” the mother asked. “But what’s going on here? How do you know her, Shawn?”

Karena looked down at him. “Did you tell her everything?”

“No,” Shawn replied. “It makes it a bit more mysterious as to why I’m so smart and all.”

The mother was still waiting. Karena looked up at her. “I really, really don’t want to have to explain this all over again,” she said. “Just please accept the fact that we know each other, and that we’ve known each other for a long time.”

The mother was somewhat taken aback
by this response, but nonetheless she left the room, leaving the two of them to themselves.
Doubtless she was somewhat used to her son acting strangely and saying things without any explanation behind them.

“I would say we’ve got a lot of catching up to do,” Karena said. “But given how everything is pretty much the same all the time, there’s really no need to say what’s been going on.”

Shawn gave a dry chuckle, though it didn’t feel real, like nothing happy really felt real these days. And then it was just back to like it had been in old times, with the two of them not exactly talking a lot, just sitting there in silence, looking into the distance and thinking about whatever. It wasn’t necessarily the conversation that gave them both comfort, it was the company of the other person. They both relied on each other heavily to keep themselves going and to not give up, and that, above all, was the most important thing to them right now.

The Sandman was waiting.

It wouldn’t be long now. The girl wouldn’t have much time
left in her cycle
.
She was handling it fairly well, frustratingly.

He’d considered taking away the man, separating the t
wo of them, but he saw no need. So what if they leaned on each other for support, it didn’t change anything in the long run. Because something was coming for the girl, and after that, there would be no leaning on anyone for support. She was anxious enough already. No need to increase that. Yet.

He was waiting for it. The time would come soon, and he’d be ready.
She, on the other hand, wouldn’t.

The days
went on happily from then on.

Of course, they didn’t really go on happily, not in the regular sense. That is, in the sense of someone who isn’t haunted by the Sandman. But
in the sense of someone who is, they did go by happily. Because happily in this sense means without any major encounters with the Sandman, and with anxiety that was just weak enough that you could sometimes sleep for a couple of hours at night. This may not sound very happy, but when put in perspective with other times
in the lives of Karena and Shawn
it was fairly happy.

They
were back at their former schedule of meeting each other, though it was slightly increased to about every other day. There was really no reason they shouldn’t see each other every day, after all, it wasn’t like Karena cared about school at all, and it was easy to escape the orphanage for her now, but they only met every other day because it seemed like there was also really no reason that they should meet up every day. They seldom discussed anything productive in these meetings, and more often than not just sat in silence.
As they’d always done before.

Karena had gone through many states when she’d been going through her 4 lifetimes. There was shock, and fear, and sadness, and boredom, and exasperation. Above all there was anxiety, the feeling that was omnipresent. Right now though,
despite the anxiety, there weren
’t any other harsh feelings. It was, probably, t
he most peaceful
period of time
she’d had since the beginning of her second life.

But it was short lived, like a good deal of peaceful times, like the calm before the storm. When the weather is perfect and peaceful, all you are aware of is the peace of that moment. And then when the storm hits, the calm is entirely irrelevant, and the only thing you are worried about is the chaos of that moment, and it is like the calm had never even existed. That is the way it was with Karena. There was this short-lived
period of pe
ace where many things were fine, and then the storm came, and this time had never happened.

But let’s let Kar
ena live in this time for now.
Karena didn’t know, of course how good it was during this time.
She was still concerned about all the anxiety she still faced, about the Sandman and everything.
She was hardly sanguine.
If Karena, the future Karena, could,
s
he would yell back to this version of herself, the one living in this time, and she would tell her to enjoy this time while she could, to enjoy the calm
before the storm before the storm hit
. But she couldn’t do this, and by the time the storm
did
hit, it was too late.

This period of time lasted only a few months, which was quite
a short period compared to all of her lives.
During these months Karena even did some of her schoolwork at the orphanage, only because she didn’t have anything better to do, but still, it was something that she would even consider it. She sometimes even talked to other people at the orphanage, people she vaguely recognized from some of her past l
ives, though the conversations were brief and cold
.
Nonetheless, this was an extraordinary feat for her.
It looked like things were potentially going to get better. She’d get used to starting over again and again, eventually. It’d be annoying at times, yes, but there was no reason to be killing herself with anxiety was there?

And
so this went on for a
few months after she’d found Shaw
n, and then the Sandman struck again. And this time, it
wasn’t just the regular making-her-start-her-life-over—
again. He was still toying with her, but he’d decided to take the toying to a higher level.