Authors: Norman MacLean
A NOTE ON THE AUTHOR
Born in Glasgow in 1936, Norman Maclean was educated at school and university there before abandoning his childhood ambition of becoming a helicopter pilot â or was it a cowboy? â and drifting into the role of educationalist and spending fourteen miserable years as a teacher of Latin and Mathematics in schools all over Scotland. He garnered much fame after winning two Gold Medals at the National Mod â for poetry and singing â in the same year, 1967; the only person ever to do so. Shortly afterwards he began a career, as he would say himself, as a clown. The twenty odd years he spent as a stand-up comedian performing in variegated venues throughout the English-speaking world has caused him to book a place on a daytime television show renowned for its shouty, self-righteous former-salesman presenter. However, that said, it is in the roles of comic and musician Maclean is still best known today. In 2009 Birlinn published his acclaimed autobiography,
The Leper's Bell
First published as
in 2007 by ClÃ r
This edition published in 2011 by
West Newington House
10 Newington Road
Copyright Â© Norman Maclean 2011
The moral right of Norman Maclean to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved.
No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored or transmitted in any form without the express written permission of the publisher.
ISBN 978 1 78027 007 4
eBook ISBN 978 0 85790 060 9
British Library Cataloguing-in-Publication Data
A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.
Designed and typeset by Iolaire Typesetting, Newtonmore
Printed and bound by Bell & Bain Ltd, Glasgow
For Alison Rae
Me, I'm from Kyles Flodda in Benbecula. Murdo, son of Boozy Ronald, they call me. Here I am, sitting on the couch in the living room of a little flat near the Shawlands district of Glasgow. It's a cold afternoon in February and I'm reading a book on Economics and making occasional notes in a folder. We have exams in six weeks' time at Strathclyde University where I'm studying Statistics, Sociology, Psychology and Industrial Law. I want to gain a Postgraduate Diploma in Personnel Management. I can hardly believe that I, an overweight slob, fast approaching forty, who smokes and drinks too much, am a full-time student once more. And I'm simply loving it! To tell the truth, I'm not as keen on the bevvy as I used to be. I still have a heavy tobacco habit but I've severely cut down on the alcohol.
The sound of the outside door being opened interrupts my reverie. Two minutes later, a beautiful young woman enters the room carrying two tiny glasses of Disaronno, an Italian liqueur we've come to enjoy very much. She sits next to me on the couch and kisses me lightly on the cheek. We both take a modest sip and politely place the glasses on a rectangular table in front of us.
This is Rachel, the Doctor's daughter, from North Uist. She's twenty years younger than me and, if we're talking about PR, there's no woman between the Butt of Lewis and
Barra Head who can hold a candle to Rachel MacKinnon. No matter how hard you stretch it, there is nothing within eyeshot that is better to look at. Six feet tall, long, straight hair that falls to the small of her back, the face of an angel and a well put-together body that has caused many a traffic accident â Rachel is a danger to any man with a weak heart. In addition, she's very smart. She's reading Law at Glasgow University and there's no doubt that she'll graduate with Honours in her final year.
So, here's the pair of us relaxing, taking little sips of Disaronno and chatting about how our respective days have gone at uni. Am I a lucky guy or what?
Around eight months ago things were completely different. In the summer of 2010 I would have gulped the contents of the glass as quickly as I could. Then, I'd immediately want more. For years I had been filling glasses with strong drink â whisky, Eldorado rum, brandy, wine, beer â any kind of rubbish I could get my hands on. Talk about a changed man!
But I'd better start at the beginning . . .
âWe'll go on a tour of the Highlands and Islands with your sketches, Murdo, and it'll be simply marvellous.' That's what Rachel proposed at the start of last summer. Mickey the Dunce here agreed and I had no recollection of my grandfather's words: âYou want to get into trouble, son, you should get into trouble for profit, not just for self-expression.' âSalt and Pepper' â that's what we called ourselves â went on the road and, at first, we did quite well . . . we did very well indeed . . . but . . . well . . . I kind of ran out of steam . . . I don't know . . . I . . . sort of . . . lost the plot.
On the last night of the tour, a Monday night, the night before we'd go back to Uist, we should have been playing in Broadford but . . . well, we lost the hall . . . Well, we didn't
the hall â we know where it is, it's still in the same place â what it was, the committee wouldn't give it to us. We pressed on to Uig and landed in a hotel there called the Tartan Pagoda, and if relations between me and Rachel were fraught before this, they got really bad after I got embroiled with this guy and his television crew. There's a motto in our family and it certainly applies to me: âIf a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing wrong.'
There was this guy, Sam was his name, and he was in television . . . and I was in my shell-suit. I consulted my watch with all the intensity of a professor of history scrutinising a script in Sanskrit as Sam's monologue went over the fifty-minute mark. He had bought me a nip in the bar at quarter past ten, and now at a quarter to midnight, or possibly a week later, we were making our way to the dining room for a bite to eat. My jaw was aching with the effort of suppressing yawns as he went on and on and on about film locations in Uist and about acting talent and how stupid they were, and above all about money. Drams were flying, so was I, and some of the locals were pretending not to listen, and he gave every appearance of being pleased by the attention, as though he deserved it.
was written by me,' he roared, thrusting his face close to mine and smoothing his hair in a self-satisfied manner. âI take all the blame, ha ha. Guilty as charged. I'm only the humble author.' He obviously thought this was funny . . . I didn't. But I didn't know what I should say. Should I have told him that I was an actor, and writer, too? Should I have mentioned that I had viewed
and would rather smear dung on my head than watch it? Or should I just concentrate on the drink until the curtain came down? My confusion wasn't helped by Sam's artificial smile, a fixed rictus that would have scared Bronson. He
seemed to be waiting for me to say something, something that I had to say because he was a famous person. But since I didn't know what it was, he was obliged to keep on talking.
âBut that's enough about me,' he said, and anyone could tell he wasn't finding this easy. âTell me what you think about me!' I was out my skull when we finally ate â me, Sam the Etive Television guy and Yvonne, his PA â in the dining room round about midnight. I kissed Yvonne's hand. I ordered champagne. The place was full of Etive Television people. I developed a case of the hiccups, more like a series of uppercuts to the chin. One of these blows actually knocked me on my arse and I had to lie on my back beneath the table until I felt a bit better. My knee brushed against Yvonne's, once, twice, and I thought how wonderful it was when two young people started to fall in love.
The following day, the twenty-fourth of August, although things started off rather painfully, what with a toxic hangover and Rachel's nagging, they gradually got better as the day went on.
John MacNicol stood in the centre of the parking area at Uig pier in Skye waving his arms and bellowing. It was a warm and clammy morning, and sweat showed on his face and on his black shirt bearing the logo of Caledonian-MacBrayne on the breast. He was about fifty, five six. He wore heavy black boots and he stamped his feet while he roared into the kind of metal megaphone favoured by the police and this made his voice sound distorted: âCome out of that van immediately. Hands in the air. You are surrounded . . . by other vehicles. This is . . . the Traffic Controller. Conduct of this nature will not be tolerated . . . not in the middle of a queue . . . on Uig pier!'
Rachel walked from the nearside of the van â she had been rocking the van and beating on its side â round past the bonnet and looked down contemptuously on the middle-aged Skyeman. âAre you going to order me to throw down my handbag as well, you half-wit? I'm trying to waken the guy who's inside.'
âOh! I thought . . .'
âDirty old man!' Rachel said. âWhat a welcome for two hard-working actors! Can't you read the writing on our van?'
MacNicol closely examined the writing on the side of the van. COMEDY ON TOUR â FUN AND LAUGHTER WITH SALT AND PEPPER. âSalt and Pepper!' he said with a sneer. âI've heard about you. Our Mary saw you in Staffin one night and she said the pair of you were going straight to Hell . . . on wheels!' With considerable difficulty he took his eyes off Rachel and glanced at the van. âThe man who's locked himself in is Salt, right?'
No sooner had he said this than Murdo made an appearance wearing cotton checked trousers of the kind much favoured by circus clowns and a baggy top of deep purple hue. He swallowed three times in succession and looked around him as though in a daze. âMany a perilous drunk I've been on,' he intoned faintly, âbut if they were all rolled into one, this is the mother of them all.'
âBy the look of him,' the Skyeman said, âit wasn't salt that's giving him a drouth today. I'd say he was out his box somewhere last night.'
âWe were in Aultbea actually,' Rachel lied smoothly. âLast night of the tour and all that.'
âWell, you're in Skye now,' MacNicol said, âand the ferry's due in about an hour's time. Are you sailing on her?'
âYou bet, lad,' Murdo barked roughly, âeven if I have to swim out to meet her.'
âMaybe that's what you'll have to do yet, Pop,' MacNicol said with a mocking laugh, âif you don't have tickets. Are you booked on?'
âAh . . . we haven't . . . I'm just going over to the office right away,' Rachel said in a quivery voice.
âRight,' the Traffic Controller said, âdrive over and join that queue across there â where it says LOCAL
TRAFFIC â and you can park this old rattletrap . . . And, lassie, if I were you, I'd leave the old boy over there as well . . . in case anybody sees him. He'll give folk the horrors.'
Rachel steered over to the area designated LOCAL TRAFFIC. Murdo's moans accompanied the straining engine. Once stopped, she turned to Murdo and spoke angrily. âMurdo, stop your whingeing, and listen carefully. I've got bad news for you and I know it's going to be painful for you to hear it.'