True Letters from a Fictional Life

For my mom and dad

Tim Hawken's arm draped around
my shoulders meant nothing to anyone but me. I could see our reflection in the window as we leaned against the kitchen counter. Our pal Kevin's parents had split town again, so ten scruffy kids from Vermont and New Hampshire were sliding around the O'Dea house in woolen socks and stuffing too much wood in the stove. An army of empty beer bottles gathered in ranks next to the sink. Four or five of them were mine.

My sort-of girlfriend, Theresa, and her parents were driving through a blizzard to visit tiny colleges in western New York. She'd been gone almost the entire spring break. She kept sending me text message updates like
We just fishtailed!!
I abbreviated
wow drive safely
to
wds
. We spend enough time together that a lot of people assume we're dating. Sometimes Theresa thinks we're still a couple, too. She's made a big effort to make things work out between us. One afternoon last June, she showed up at my house on her bike with a bouquet of flowers and a canvas bag full of Matchbox cars for my little brother. “My mom made me clean out my closet,” she explained. “I don't want them, and you know how much I love my little Rexy.”

“And you know how much he loves being called Little Rexy,” I said, eyeing the flowers. I was a little embarrassed to receive them, but sort of pleased, too. “You know he doesn't even play with the cars. He just hoards them.”

“Whatever makes him happy. I also brought your mom flowers from our field. She loves irises.”

Hands in my pockets, I peered into the bag. “You got anything to eat in there?” She kissed me on the cheek, and my mom sang Theresa's name from the open front door. She loves Theresa. I think she loves me more when I'm with her.

I ducked out from under Hawken's arm and got another beer from the porch. The snow swirled in whistling gusts outside. “It made sense for the school to cut cross-country and track,” Mark was explaining as I came back in. “There's no money for it, and running's not even a sport.” Mark has many opinions, and he shares them generously. No one outside our circle of friends challenges anything he says, though, because
he looks and acts like a boxer about to enter the ring. He's shorter than me, but he's ripped, and he won't let anyone forget it. There's a photo of a bunch of us at a party last winter, standing on a snowy porch. We're all wearing down jackets and woolen hats—except for Mark, who's shirtless. He lives and drinks with his father up the road from the Hawkens, and he stays with them whenever his father kicks him out. “For real,” his rant continued, “I'm glad our school's done with running. And with runners. Bunch of faggot homos.”

Hawken winced and said, “I know you're trying to be thorough, Markus, but that's redundant. And don't say that kind of crap. It makes you sound stupid.”

“Fine,” Mark said. He defers to Hawken as though Hawken is his older brother. “But it's true. Those guys are ridiculous. All they can do is run? How is that a sport? They don't have to do anything other than move their legs and breathe. No catching. No throwing. There's no contact, no danger, no—”

“Dude,” Derek interrupted. “You play a sport where most of the team just stands around in a field.” I was impressed that Derek was staying so calm. He's super fast and was one of our star track runners, although everyone was always telling him that he should play basketball instead. That drives him crazy. “I'm not that tall, and no one's seen me dribble or shoot,” he'd gripe to me. “They're like, ‘We have one black guy around here, and he's not even any
good
at being a black guy.'”

I joined Derek's assault on baseball. “Seriously, you don't
have to be an athlete to be a good baseball player. Some of those guys can barely jog around the bases.”

“But they can crush the ball out of the park,” Mark snapped. “You ever hit a 95-mile-per-hour fastball out of the park in front of 600 gazillion people?”

“600 gazillion people?” I asked quietly. “No, never in front of that many people. Half that many, maybe.”

Next to me, Derek snickered.

“That takes some serious strength and coordination,” Mark went on, looking furious. “Serious strength and, you know, like, calmness.”

“Composure.” Hawken helped him out.

“Yeah,” Mark said angrily. “Composure.”

“But is composure a sign of athleticism?” asked Derek. “If I'm a world-class chess player, am I considered an athlete of great skill, too? Or if I'm a superb actor, must my athleticism be thought outstanding as well?”

“Or if I'm a brain surgeon?” I began, but I stopped there because I was going to crack up.

Mark stood and went to the porch for another beer. “Why are you ganging up on me?”

“Pediatric rheumatologist?” Derek continued, deadpan.

I suddenly felt sorry for Mark. It was too easy to get him going. “We're not ganging up on you, dude. We're just defending the cross-country team. Have you ever run a 5K over a bunch of crazy hills before? It's really hard.”

“I could totally do it,” Mark said.

“I'm sure you could finish.” I shrugged. “Eventually.”

“Ooooh,” Hawken lowed. “Do I hear a challenge? Is there going to be a little race between you two?”

“What?” I yelped, alarmed. “I didn't say anything about racing anyone!” This was Hawken's way of evening the score for Mark. He always came to Mark's defense in sneaky ways.

“I don't know if I'd outrun those super-skinny cross-country freaks, but I could beat Liddell.”

“Oh,
there
it is. There's the challenge that James Liddell cannot refuse!” yelled Derek. “There's going to be a race! Tonight! Tonight!”

“Right, through the snow.” And then, in the accent I've honed while spending entire sleety Saturdays watching the English Premier League, I said, “Fetch me my cleats and chill some champagne!”

“No, for real,” said Mark, trying to sound casual. “When the snow melts, I'll race you. If you think baseball players aren't athletes, let's race.”

“I didn't say
you're
not an athlete, Mark. I just meant that you don't
have
to be an athlete to play baseball.”

“Whatever. I'm down to compete, but if you're going to be a wuss about it . . . I guess I shouldn't be surprised, you being a soccer player and all.”

“Ooooh,” Hawken sang again, rubbing his hands together. “I'm pretending that remark did not apply to me. You guys have to race now for sure-ity!”

“There's the Mud 10K!” shouted Derek. “We were
talking about running it anyway.”

“That's 10K. We're talking about 5K,” said Mark.

“10K, 5K—what's the difference?” yelled Hawken. “It's not until June. There's plenty of time to train.”

“Oh, I'm not training,” Mark said. “I'll just run it.” He gulped from his beer, banged it on the counter, and fixed his stare on me. “You in?”

“June?” I asked with a smirk. “Sure, I'll race you in June.”

“Done!” hollered Derek in delight. “Shake on it! Shake on it! Hawken and I are witnessing this! It's epic!”

“Sign this contract!” shouted Hawken. He was scribbling something on a napkin.

I read over his shoulder, shaking my head in disbelief:

We,
______________________________________
and
______________________________________
do here by commit myself to racing each other in the Mud 10K in June 2016. Failure to do so will result in sever bodily harm.

He handed me the pen, and I reread the agreement.

“Are you editing my napkin contract?” Hawken asked.

“Only a little,” I muttered, changing the
myself
to
ourselves
and adding an
e
to the end of
sever
. I couldn't help it. I left
here
and
by
as two words—making that change would've crossed the line into obnoxiousness. I signed my name in the first blank.

“That's illegible,” commented Derek.

“But we all witnessed it,” said Hawken.

I slid the contract to Mark.

“What the hell?” he said a few seconds later. “This reads like a marriage certificate or something.”

“Which would be perfectly legal here in the Great State of Vermont,” Hawken pointed out. “But it's not a marriage certificate. It's a napkin. So just sign here, please. Careful not to tear it.”

Mark's tongue stuck out between his teeth as he signed, as if he were eight years old.

Before anyone could reconsider, Hawken snatched the contract away, scurried to the center of the kitchen, thrust the napkin over his head, and shouted in a high, hurried voice, “This is a legal document!”

A couple of Kevin O'Dea's pals from his new school walked in and stopped in their tracks, looking confused.

“We need outside-nonpartisan-unaffiliated-and-wholly-neutral witnesses to sign this,” Hawken declared. He beckoned the two boys we hardly knew over to the counter and explained the situation. They grinned and signed their names beneath the oath. “Date those signatures, please,” Hawken directed solemnly.

When it was done, Mark and Derek drifted away to talk to a couple of girls in another room, and Hawken and I leaned back against the kitchen counter, his arm around me once
again. We watched the snow pile up in the dark, and he pretended to groan, but he was grinning.

“Why can't we have snow without cold?” he said in the scratchy voice that girls say is adorable. “I like snow. I hate being cold.”

In the window's reflection, we were a translucent couple among black trees, copper cabinets, and gray snowflakes. He's just a little shorter than me, maybe five foot nine. Neither of us combs our hair, but his is darker brown, and his eyes are blue while mine are green. He smiles more easily than I do. It always looks like he's on the verge of breaking into a grin.

I took a swig from my beer and asked, “You feel like going for a walk? This might be the last snowfall of the year.”

“Yeah, a walk would be good. But it's only April, dude. It's barely mud season. The snow ain't done.”

We were on the porch tying our boots when Derek stuck his head out the door.

“Where are you two headed? You're not driving home tonight, are you?”

“Nooo way!” Hawken laughed.

“No, we're going for a walk, dude. Just sobering up, sobering up.”

It was only ten o'clock, so Derek squinted, shook his head, and pretended to spit at us, then shut the door. As I pulled on my gloves, Hawken asked, “Where's your pirate key?”

He used the big, old-fashioned key to my desk drawer to crack us open a couple more beers.

A snowplow scraped past on the road below as we left the house. We slid down Kevin's driveway, leaving long swoops in the three inches of wet snow covering the ice and frozen mud. When we reached the easy walking of paved road, I slung my arm around him.

We had the road to ourselves. As we rounded the first bend, I had just finished saying that I wasn't sure if I should date Theresa, when I heard myself ask, almost whisper, “You're still not dating anyone, huh, Hawken?” I don't know if my stomach's jumping made my voice shake. “You could date anyone you want, you know.”

“Ha! I don't know about that, man.”

“Sure, you could. You're smart. You're athletic. You're wicked funny.” The beers helped me get the next words out. “You're cute.” I gulped from my bottle, and Hawken cracked up.

“Thanks, thanks.” He clinked my bottle.

“No, I'm serious,” I continued, encouraged. “Everyone has a crush on you.”

“Oh, yeah?”

“Everyone.” I tried to sound casual. “Even me.”

I didn't hide behind the beer bottle or laugh nervously or try to change the subject, and Hawken fell into his raspy little laugh.

“Even you, huh? James Liddell has a crush on me? The girls will be crazy jealous, man.”

“Well, I'd be jealous of any girl who's with you.” I tried
laughing, and he stopped walking. We'd reached a dark stretch between streetlamps.

Hawken stepped away and turned toward me so that I had to drop my arm. I took a sip of my beer and studied the snow caught in the laces of my boots, but he nudged me with his elbow to make me look up, to make me look him in the eyes, and he said, “For real, huh?” He didn't sound scared or angry. For a moment, I thought I'd been right.

“Yeah, man,” I said quietly, and shrugged and shivered all at once. “What can I do? Who can blame me?” The soft tone of our voices and the scrape of our feet, the hushed seriousness of it all—suddenly I felt like we were ten years older. I wanted to hold his hand.

He looked off into the forest and scuffed the pavement. I was sure he was about to say,
Yeah, me, too. I've had a crush on you, too.

“Dude,” he said instead, “I'm flattered as hell.” And then he kicked my foot, lightly, twice. He was smiling.

He couldn't see the chasm that had opened behind my ribs. He didn't get it. I managed to find my voice. “You're all right with all this, man?”

“James, I'm fine with it.” We started walking again, an arm's length now between us. “You know my brother's gay?”

My legs went even weaker. It seemed like a big leap to bring up his gay brother. A crush didn't make me gay.

“No, I didn't know about your brother,” I muttered.

“Patrick lives in Brooklyn with his boyfriend, Liam. I'll
introduce you to those guys next time they visit.”

I stopped, gazed up the road, and said, “We should head back, huh?”

Hawken was quiet for a moment. “Sure.”

He wouldn't say a word to anyone. I trusted Hawken. But I wished I'd been smart and kept my own mouth shut anyway. Everything would have been easier if I'd just stayed quiet.