True Love (9 page)

“The last time your scans were negative,” Nancy said. “No reason they shouldn’t be the same now.”

But when they walked into Dr. Kessler’s office, he wasn’t smiling. Behind him, X rays were mounted on a light board so that they glowed clearly in dull gray and white.

“Is that me?” Luke asked.

“That’s you,” Dr. Kessler said. “And I’m afraid there’s a problem. There’s a mass in your chest.”

“A
mass?”

“A growth—a small tumor,” the doctor said, tapping Luke’s chest. “It’s here on your left side, between your lung and your heart.”

Instantly, Luke was on his feet, rage registering on his face. “What do you mean ‘a tumor’? Are you saying that I’m not well? Are you telling us that after all that stinking chemotherapy, I still have cancer?”

“Hodgkin’s is a tricky beast, Luke. Your lymph system networks your whole body. All it takes is one maverick cell to escape and settle elsewhere.” The doctor’s voice kept calm.

Nancy looked so pale, Julie thought she might faint, and Julie felt as if she herself might throw up. “I don’t believe it. I don’t
believe that after all Luke’s been through, he isn’t cured of this thing,” Julie cried.

“He’s been in remission,” the doctor said. “And when caught early, seventy-five percent of all newly diagnosed Hodgkin’s
is
curable.”

“But not Luke,” Nancy said. “Not my son.”

“This is a setback,” Dr. Kessler conceded. “Usually remissions last longer.”

“I don’t want to go back on chemo,” Luke shouted. “I don’t want to take that stuff again.”

Dr. Kessler stood and took Luke by the shoulders. “You won’t do chemo again. At least, not now. I’m going to put you into radiation treatments.”

“Radiation?” Nancy asked.

“Radiation will shrink the mass so that we can remove it surgically. It might possibly eliminate it altogether.”

“I can’t miss any more school.” Luke sounded distraught. “I’m already behind and I don’t want to be sick and throwing up like before.”

“Radiation’s not like chemo. And you won’t have to come here to get the treatments. You can go to Waterton General. A friend of mine, Dr. John Laramore, is a radiation
oncologist there, and he’ll be handling your case.”

Julie felt as if they were trapped in a bad dream, one that was circular and kept coming back to the same starting place. Why couldn’t Luke get out of this nightmare?

Dr. Kessler made several phone calls and gave Luke fresh assurances. Then Julie, Luke, and his mother left and caught the train home. The very next day, Luke was to start his radiation therapy. He had planned to go to the gym and begin his weight-lifting schedule, but instead he would report to Dr. Laramore to begin another journey into the unknown.

Julie’s father refused to believe the news when Julie told him. He ranted and raved, hopped into his car, and tore over to see Luke. Depressed and morose, Julie flopped on the sofa and flipped through the TV channels without pausing.

Her mother watched her for a few minutes, then came and took the remote control from her hand and turned the set off. She said, “I’m sorry, Julie.”

“It isn’t fair, Mom! Luke did exactly what the doctors told him to do—
everything!
And now he’s right back at square one.”

“Maybe not. Maybe the tumor is a freak thing that the radiation will clear right up.”

“Well, I’m going with him tomorrow and I’m going to ask this new doctor a million questions.”

“Julie … I—urn …”

Julie looked up at her mother, who was chewing her bottom lip and looking perplexed. “What is it, Mom? What do you want to say to me? Don’t tell me not to go. Because I
am
going.”

Her mother sighed and sat down on the outermost edge of the sofa cushion, her hands folded neatly in her lap. “I wouldn’t ask you not to go. I know how involved you’ve been in Luke’s illness.”

“So what’s your point?”

“It’s just that it
is
Luke’s illness. You’ve gotten awfully wrapped up in this thing. Don’t forget that you have a life to live too. You shouldn’t let his health problems take over your whole existence.”

“I can’t believe you’re saying this! You know how I feel about Luke. I can’t abandon him.”

“Don’t be so dramatic. I’m not asking you to abandon him. I’m simply asking you to step back and get some perspective. You’ve gotten
so wrapped up in this whole business that you’ve lost sight of your own goals and plans.”

Fuming, Julie asked, “And what goals might those be?” How could her mother be so insensitive?

“You haven’t done a single thing about college since our discussion last November. I’m telling you, Julie, now is the time to start applying. All the really top colleges fill up fast. If you aren’t careful—”

Julie propelled herself off the couch. “I can’t believe you’re hounding me about something as unimportant as a college application! Don’t you understand, Mom? Luke’s cancer is back. He’s not rid of it and … and …” Her voice began to waver.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” her mother said in her most soothing tone. “I thought perhaps thinking about college would take your mind off Luke. Thinking about your future should be a fun thing.”

Julie shook her head, and hot tears stung her eyes. “My future? You still don’t get it, do you, Mother? Without Luke, I don’t
have
a future. Without Luke, I don’t even want one!”

She spun, ran from the room, and raced up the stairs, where she slammed her bedroom
door hard behind her, then threw herself across her bed and sobbed.

As soon as school was out on Monday, Julie and Luke headed to Waterton’s hospital, where Nancy joined them from her job at the mill. Dr. Laramore worked in an adjoining office building, on a floor named the Wilson Cancer Center. His suite was spacious and well decorated, with stacks of magazines, tables containing half-completed jigsaw puzzles, and, in the reception area, a desk that held a coffeemaker and ice-filled bowls with cartons of juice. “Help yourself,” a nurse said. Luke declined.

Dr. Laramore was a pleasant-looking man, trim and well built, with a mustache. He ushered Luke, his mother, and Julie into his office and sat down at his desk. Julie took a deep breath, reached for Luke’s hand, and thought,
Here we go again
.

“I’ve been over your records,” the doctor said after introductions. “And I’ve studied your scans carefully. There’s a growth in your chest and another, much smaller one in your groin.”

Julie felt Luke’s hand tighten around hers. “Dr. Kessler didn’t mention that one.”

“It wasn’t as easy to detect. Besides, that’s my job—to go over your scans with a magnifying glass.” He paused, letting the news sink in.

“What will you do about it?” Nancy asked quietly.

“What we’re going to do is bombard both areas with a mantle of radiation to damage these cancer cells and stop their growth. You’ll be given a total of twenty treatments—five a week for a month. Nothing on the weekends.”

Luke looked surprised. “That doesn’t seem like much time. I mean compared with the chemo.”

“You’ll be receiving very high doses of radiation, and while it will be painless, there are side effects.”

“Such as?”

“You’ll be unusually tired. And the skin in the treated area will redden, as if you’ve gotten a mild sunburn. Apply no lotions or creams, though, unless I okay it. And because the treatments will be on your chest area, you may have a sore throat and difficulty swallowing … some loss of appetite is normal. You may develop a dry cough too.”

Luke shook his head in disgust. “And the other area?” he asked.

Dr. Laramore steepled his fingers together and let his gaze bounce between Luke and Julie. “Often, both Hodgkin’s and the treatments for Hodgkin’s can cause fertility problems.” He paused, waiting for their reactions.

“Are you saying my son might never have children?” Nancy’s question brought the problem into sharp focus for Julie.

“It’s a possibility. Although,” he added quickly, “young men are more likely to regain their fertility than older men.”

“Any other little tidbits?” Luke asked, his voice crisp, sarcastic. He did not look at Julie, but kept his eyes riveted on the doctor.

“That’s about it.” Dr. Laramore stood. “I’d like to get started as soon as possible. The first thing we’ll do is define the exact area we’re going to treat. We’ll go back to one of the radiation rooms, where my technicians will measure, calculate, and mark you up. From the information, I’ll create a graph to program the computer for your specific needs, taking into consideration your body density and the position of the tumors.”

“ ‘Mark me up’?”

“With the help of lasers, we’ll literally draw lines with a marking pen in a grid pattern on your body that I’ll use to determine the exact
spots that will receive the radiation. Try not to wash these lines off, because we’ll use them every day.”

“Can I shower?”

“Yes, but no soap on the marks until you’ve completed your treatments. The technicians will redraw the lines as they fade.”

He walked them down the hall to a room where a large machine stood in the center of the floor, a bedlike table positioned under it. There were computers in the room and outside the door, which looked heavy and strong. “It’s solid steel,” one of the nurses said as Julie studied it. “Can’t have any radiation leaking out.”

Julie thought,
It’ll be leaking into Luke’s body
, but she didn’t say it. Signs on the walls read: “Caution. X ray machines in use.” She felt as if she’d stumbled into some sort of high-tech nuclear time warp. The machines looked cold and menacing.

“The two of you will have to wait in the lobby,” a nurse told Julie and Nancy. “This will take about an hour.”

“An hour?” Nancy sounded dismayed, and seemed hesitant to let her son remain inside the steel-lined room without her.

“The calculation part takes the longest,”
Dr. Laramore said kindly. “From now on, Luke will have a standing appointment to come in and be treated. The actual treatments take no more than a minute or so. And they’re painless.”

Julie and Luke’s mother returned to the spacious lobby and took a seat. They didn’t speak. Julie felt overwhelmed, imagining Luke being marked up like a piece of wild game after a kill. The doctors were going to shoot massive amounts of radiation into him in the hope of destroying the cancer cells that had invaded him. They were going to subject him to nuclear medical technology. And possibly rob him of his ability ever to have children.

“If it saves his life, it’s a small price to pay,” Nancy said quietly, as if she’d read Julie’s mind. “His life is worth
any price
.”

“A
re you sure it didn’t hurt?” Julie asked Luke afterward when they returned to his house.

His mother had insisted Julie stay for dinner and was downstairs in the kitchen. Upstairs, in his room, the delicious aromas of browning hamburgers and sizzling onions permeated the air. Luke’s bedroom was small, and the heavy oak furniture that had once belonged to his grandmother seemed too big for the space. Football trophies lined a shelf hung over his bed, while books had been stacked along a wall between his stereo and a study desk.

Large posters of a youthful Marilyn Monroe smiled beguilingly from his walls. Julie used to tease him about his “Marilyn fixation,” but today she hardly noticed the pictures. She was
apprehensive about his radiation therapy, and not hiding it.

“Didn’t hurt a bit,” Luke said. “I just had to lie really still while they drew on me.” He lifted his shirt, and Julie saw bright blue lines on his skin that disappeared below the waistband of his jeans. “Actually, it sort of tickled.”

She leaned in closer, squinting. “What are those little dots between the blue lines?” She followed the small dots down his chest with her eyes.

“Tattoos,” he said. “Permanent marks so that the technician can always line up the machine perfectly. If the radiation beam is even a tiny degree off, the wrong part of my body will get the radiation.”

“So they play connect-the-dots on your skin every time?”

“That’s right.” He pulled his shirt down to cover the blue lines. “Personally, if I got a tattoo, I’d have picked something more exciting—like a mermaid, or a heart.” He patted his upper arm. “It would read ‘Luke loves Julie.’ ”