True L̶o̶v̶e̶ Story (31 page)

I open my eyes and feel so angry that I’m awake. I was hoping the death I feel hanging over me would claim me, but it’s only my insides that are dead. The rest of me apparently has to keep on living.

“Sparrow, why is Ian parked in front of the house? He’s been out there since early this morning, and I just realized it’s him.”

“There’s some trouble,” I say, as if I’m discussing a new nail polish color.

“What sort of trouble? Should I let him in?” Charlie looks completely confused.

“I guess when he comes to the door, you can let him in,” I tell her.

She gives me an odd look, but when she realizes that’s all I’m gonna say, she doesn’t push it for once. I pull the covers back up to my chin and turn over. So very tired.

I get up a few hours later and freshen up before going out to the kitchen. When I walk in, Ian is sitting at the bar, talking to my parents. They all look rough. My mom’s face is splotchy, like she’s been crying. My dad looks sad and angry. Ian has circles around his eyes and looks like he hasn’t slept all night. He rushes over when he sees me.

He starts to hug me but stops when he sees the expression in my eyes. He holds out his hand to touch my face and thinks better of it. “Baby, will you please talk to me?”

“I don’t have anything to say to you right now.” I move out of his reach.

Ian looks at my parents and then back to me. “I told your parents, and I’ve asked their forgiveness.”

I glance at them and they look heartbroken. My mom comes and hugs me. I feel like I’m the one comforting her as I pat her back while she cries. When she steps back, Ian puts his hand on my arm. I flinch.

“Please let me talk to you,” he pleads.

I turn around and walk out of the kitchen and back to my bedroom. He follows me and nearly trips when I stop suddenly at my door. I’m afraid the room will close in on me if I go inside the small space with him. When we walk inside, I sit on my bed and he sits next to me. Staring at me. I look straight ahead.

“Look at me, please. You’ll know how I feel about you if you look at me.”

I keep looking straight ahead.

“I have never loved anyone but you. I never will.”

“I guess love isn’t enough,” I say.

“Love is everything to me, Sparrow. You changed my life by loving me. I’m not gonna let you go. I can’t give you up.”

“I guess you should have considered that before you fucked Laila.” And with that I look at him. Empty. Hollow.

He visibly cringes and holds his head in his hands. When he lifts his head, tears are streaming from his face. “My life didn’t begin until you breathed into it. I know what I have in you, Sparrow. I do. I will never fuck it up again. I promise you.”

“I don’t want to hear your promises,” I yell. “Just tell me about Laila!”

Ian wipes his face and the tears keep pouring out. He’s always said he stopped being able to cry when he was a kid, but the floodgates have opened. “It started a long time ago. We were friends—we’d actually been friends long before Jeff ever met her…”

“I kinda caught that from what she said that night at your show.”

Ian looks up at me, relieved that I’m talking back.

“Jeff was always gone and Laila started showing up wherever I was. If I was in L.A., she ended up there. If I was at the San Francisco house, she’d come there. I knew she was lonely, and I felt bad for her. She was fun then, not this gross person she’s become.”

“I guess watching the man you’re in love with get engaged to someone else will do that to you,” I reply.

He makes the gasping sound that you make when you’re trying not to cry, but it’s still coming. “That’s not the way it is.”

I stand up and whirl around to face him. “If you really believe that then you’re more “idealistic” than I’ve ever been.”

His face falls. “I love how idealistic you are.”

“Was,” I say. “Was.”

That hits him hard, and he can’t speak for a few minutes. Finally, he stands and paces the room. He sees my cell phone, picks it up and lays it on the nightstand. “We’ll get that fixed,” he says.

“So, tell me, what does Laila have that makes her so irresistible?” The sarcasm drips off my voice. “She’s beautiful, I’ll give you that. But you told me
I
was the most beautiful woman you’ve ever seen, so … it must be all her … experience. Is that it?”

“It wasn’t like that.”

“Well, that’s what I’m wanting to know, Ian. Do I have to ask the exact question for you to tell me the answer? You’d probably say this hasn’t all been a lie—you and me—because I never ASKED you until now if you’d slept with Laila. The truth is, withholding information like this IS lying. Our whole relationship is a lie!”

“No. Don’t say that. It isn’t. Please don’t say that.” He grabs my hand and holds it even though I’m trying to pull it away from him. “Sparrow, please, listen to me.” He leans his head on mine and something in me breaks from deeper still, and it takes my breath away. I choke on it. The tears start falling and I can’t breathe. I begin to panic, and he looks me in the eye and whispers, “Breathe, baby. I’m here. I’m so sorry. I love you. Breathe.”

Gradually, I calm down and my heart rate returns to a fast pace, instead of the out-of-control sprint it was just doing.

When I can speak, I say, “Just tell me when it began and when it ended.”

“You have to know that I’ve been on a vicious cycle my whole life of sabotaging myself when anything good comes along. I knew I didn’t deserve you and Laila played on that. I’m not blaming her, I take responsibility for my actions in this, but it’s just the truth. I never felt anything for Laila; in fact, I
hate her
,” he says quietly. “I despise everything about her.”

 “So you risked everything for someone you
hate
. I don’t know if that should make me feel better or not. When did it start, Ian?”

His eyes cloud over. “After our day in San Francisco.”

There goes the wind again, being knocked right out of me. When I get a grip, I say, “And when did it end?”

“There was one time after we got engaged … that was the last time anything happened.”

If I could just go to sleep right now and never have to open my eyes again. I close my eyes and will it to happen. I can’t bear this kind of pain. It’s too much. He was my life and now he is nothing.

“We didn’t have sex, we stopped before it got to that. I knew I couldn’t continue destroying my life. I knew I wanted you more than I want anything in this world. You are everything to me. I stopped and I haven’t touched her since.”

“Am I’m supposed to be proud of you for that?” I give him a look of disgust.

“No, I just … I needed to know I was capable of being the kind of husband you need, the kind of husband I want to be, and I know now that I am.” His eyes search mine, looking for any hint of hope.

I shake my head. “No.”

He puts his hand on my arm and I brush it off.

“Who else?” I ask. “Reagan?”

“We kissed once, but never anything more than that. She wanted to be more and was persistent for a while, but realized I meant it when I said I didn’t.”

“When?”

“Before you met her.”

“Who else? Who do I not know about?”

“No one. No one, I promise.”

“Don’t. Say that to me.” I close my eyes. My whole body aches. This is what grief feels like. Agony. Torture. Anguish. Torment.

“Sparrow, if I stood in front of witnesses today, I would promise to love you and honor you and only you for the rest of my life, and I would mean every single word. Please—I know it will take time for you to believe me, but if you will only give me a chance, I will spend
every
day for as long as I live, proving my love for you.”

“I wish I’d never given you my heart.” I twist the ring on my finger, the ring that has become second nature since he put it on me, and I take it off. I hold it up to him and put it in his hand.

“No.” He shakes his head. “No. I won’t take it. I don’t want it back.” He tries to hand it back to me, and I don’t let him. He lays it on my chest of drawers and says, “It’s yours.”

I walk into my closet and shut the door. He tries talking to me through the door for a couple of hours, but I fall asleep so I don’t know when he stopped, if he did

- 24 -

Sept 21

Sparrow—

I miss you.

I love you.

Please forgive me.

Ian

Sept. 22

I love you, Sparrow.

You’ve got me by the heart.

Sept 23

Sparrow.

I know there are billions of people in the world.

In my 31 years, I have found one who made me believe that I could love, and be loved, forever.

I can’t let you go.

Ian

Sept 25

Sparrow—

My prayer has been that God would somehow let you feel the true scope and depth of the love I have for you. I would sacrifice every earthly thing to make you know that my heart is truly yours.

Please try and find a way to forgive me for hurting you.

Lost without you—

Ian

Sept 26

Oh, Sparrow—

If you could know my heart. If you could know my motives. The noble and the vile. The selfish and the pure. If you could truly know me…

If you could feel my sorrow and my shame. Know how I hate the things I have done—my sins, my failures, my weaknesses. How I despise them. How I loathe the memory of them and how I wish they could be wiped away.

Know the frustration of a man who has been so close to living out his highest ideals and yet fallen so far short…

Know the fear of a boy who could never quite trust another human being with his life. Hiding behind the living room curtain from unreasonable dangers.

If you could know my deepest desires. My dreams. My prayers. My innermost longings. To love without prejudice or greed. To be real…

To be known. To be loved. If I could somehow just open my chest, or my brains, or wherever it is that my soul is kept, and reveal myself to you in an instant. That you could see me completely. The truth. Not just the facts but the whole truth. The person.

This is the one hope that I have never dared to hope for. Yet, in the heart of my heart, I know I have always yearned for it more than anything on earth—to be known. Truly. Completely. Intimately. As God knows. And still, to be loved.

Oh, Sparrow. If only you could know my whole heart. How much love is there for you. Love that you haven’t seen yet. Love that no one has ever seen. A lifetime of love withheld. Concealed.

Love that could heal and hold. And endure.

Sparrow, you have seen me. And you do know me. More than anyone ever has. The evil and the ugly that you have seen, as well as the good, are me.

But there is still a heart. A soul. A person who aches to be yours.

To be released.

To wrap himself inside you and know that he is safe.

From deep—

Ian

P.S. I beg you for your forgiveness, my freedom…

Sept 27

Missing you.

Every day.

I love you, Sparrow.

Ian

Sept 30

Sparrow, Sparrow, Sparrow—

Thinking of you…

Missing you…

I arrived in St. Paul yesterday afternoon. The drive was long and beautiful. I’ll have to tell you about it.

For now, some highlights:

I slept on a mountain east of Salt Lake City. It was awe-inspiring. A lake far below, reflecting a sky full of stars. I had a feeling of being blanketed in God’s creation (an illusion, I woke up freezing).

Just west of Des Moines, a deer ran in front of the car. Awful. I was fine (not the deer, I’m afraid).

St. Paul was a welcome sight. Everything is so green and the temp was about 80-90 (above 0). Rain yesterday and today.

Wish you were here.

Writing is strange and difficult for me right now. I write these few sentences while my mind thinks a thousand thoughts—draws a thousand pictures. My heart beats with a thousand emotions.

This is why I have finally begun to pray. Maybe your dad was onto something with that whole thing. Because I know I just can’t adequately express what’s inside of me on my own.

I’m sorry for all the messages. I wish you’d let me fix your phone. My number is the same. I carry my phone everywhere I go and fall asleep holding it … just in case. I will always wait for you.

Ian

Oct 4

Sparrow—

Am spending a couple days with Mom in Lutsen, MN, a ski resort on Lake Superior.

Beautiful.

Waves, rocks, cliffs, birches, pines, wildflowers, vast blue horizon.

Thinking of you

Missing you

Loving you

Ian

Oct 5

Loons are the state bird of Minnesota.

There is a pair living outside our room.

They are known to mate for life.

My mom and I watched “On Golden Pond” last night.