True L̶o̶v̶e̶ Story (32 page)

Oct 6

The Lady Slipper is the Minnesota state flower, also called moccasins.

Song of Songs 2:2

(This book on wildflowers reminds me of us. We can survive anything too.)

Oct 7

Every day and every night, I’m loving you. Steadfast love in my heart for you.

Nothing can ever take it away.

All my love—

Ian

Oct 12

Sparrow—

I love you. With every deep, sighing breath I take, with every heavy beat of my heart. Every time I lay my head on my lonely pillow. Every morning when the sun first breaks through my dreams. I remember. I feel you. I love you.

You are in me. In the deepest part of me. Deeper than my memories, my unconscious thoughts. Deeper than my ever-changing emotions. You are in the place right next to where I keep my faith in God (a faith that I won’t let go of now, in spite of it being shaken many times, from without and within). You’re deep in me.

It was not this way the first time we met. But something in me knew that someday it would be this way. Deep was calling to Deep. I was hearing hopes and feeling longings that were impossible for me to fully understand.

I said, “I’m in love.”

Hopefully. Skeptically.

I had never experienced true love. I didn’t believe in true love. I had learned about infatuation and disappointment. I had tried on romantic “love” and failed. I was sure that I had never seen an example of true love in real life.

I loved you then. But only as much as I could.

I look back now and I see love growing. Maturing. Gradually. By days. By moments. Firelight hugs. Mountain drives. Teary face kisses. Awful, angry, frustrated silences. Erased with one forgiving smile. Barefoot walks on slippery rocks. Holding on. Breaking down. Opening up. Hurting. Healing.

Slowly peeling the callus from one scarred, scared heart.

If I could go rushing back and whisper in the ear of that poor fool in the restaurant. If I could tell him what was ahead. Tell him about the joy and hardship and pleasure and agony of finding true love. If I could somehow convince him that the inkling he was feeling was just exactly what he wanted to believe it was, he might have been changed instantly.

But, I can’t go back.

He’ll just have to learn about love for himself. Again and again in my memory.

And make the same mistakes over and over until they are forgiven.

Little Bird, our love has been hard-earned from the very beginning. It is more precious to me than anything on earth. I can’t just let go of it. And I won’t stop fighting for it.

It’s only over if you want it to be.

My hope is that what has gone before is only the introductory chapter of our love story. There are more memories to be made.

For us—

Ian

Oct 14

It’s a half-moon tonight and it’s shinin’ half-bright

As if the sky could understand the way I feel inside—

Half of me is livin’ half a world from here

Half of me is dyin’, cryin’ one lonely tear

Silently

In the half-moon light

Sparrow.

Nothing will be completely right until you’re with me.

Ian

Oct 16

If you ever think of me, I’m thinking of you at that very moment.

All my love

Ian

Oct 17

I believe in you and me.

Ian

Oct 21

We Belong Together.

Well, Baby—

Think. Words Beginning Thus Would Be Tender Words—But True.

Wonderful, Beautiful, Thoughtful Words, But They Would Be Truthful Words.

Believe Them.

Wishes Become True.

Wisdom Brings Trust.

We’re Being Tested.

We’re Both Tough.

Who Buys That?

Waiting By Telephone.

Wake Before Twelve.

Work Before Television.

Wiggle Big Toe.

Well … Be Thinking

Warm-Blooded Teddy

World’s Biggest Turkey

Way Back Then

Warm Bellies Touched

We Began Trembling

Weeping Boy Thinks,

“Where’s Baby’s Touch?”

What Big Tears.

We Belong Together.

Oct 25

Dear Sparrow—

I was awakened at 5:30 this morning by the sound of your voice on the phone. I hate dreams that end in the middle. I didn’t have time to hear you say anything, but, “Hi, it’s Sparrow.” I didn’t have time to tell you that I love you.

But, I did get an early start on the day. And several hours to think and write you this letter.

I think I’m gonna stay here a while. I can’t seem to function without you. No pressure, but … I can’t live without you.

You probably think that when I tell you how much I hurt, and describe the pain of missing you, I’m trying to gain your sympathy or pity. I’m not. What I am trying to do is help you know the truth of how deeply I love you. How much you really mean to me. How much you are a part of me.

No pain, no rejection, no separation, no depression, no opposition, no fiery hell can drive you out of my heart.

This is proven fact.

I have been brought as low as I can possibly go. I have tasted the bitter core. I have been abandoned, forsaken. I’ve been to the edge of despair. I’ve had every reason for hope ripped away.

And I know it is all my fault. I am the one who ruined us.

But I have not lost my faith.

And I haven’t lost my love for you. It’s stronger than ever.

I suppose I might never have known or believed that love could be so strong if I hadn’t seen it dragged through this hell. Now I know that love can truly endure anything.

My old fears are gone.

I used to fear that I had never had the ability to really love someone. To be vulnerable to someone. To trust someone with my heart.

I feared that I wouldn’t have the strength to persevere through the hard times.

I feared rejection.

I feared that love wouldn’t last.

I feared that love would be used against me. To hurt me.

I feared that no one could really love me.

Real fears.

These fears go way back. And I realize now that they played a huge part in how I have formed my relationships ever since I was a kid.

Trying to feel loved without becoming vulnerable.

Trying to find affection and closeness without the danger of commitment.

Always keeping a way to escape.

Never trusting anyone. Ever.

Never giving anyone reason to rely on me completely.

Never believing in true love.

This was how I protected myself. This was how a tenderhearted little boy decided to survive.

Was I like this when we met? Did I bring this into our relationship? Yes.

Those fears and those patterns and those defenses were as much a part of me as the calluses on my fingertips.

Then came love.

Unexpected.

Seemingly out of nowhere.

Gradually taking root and growing.

Breaking through.

Fighting against everything that I had come to believe about it.

Invading my safe, lonely place.

Softening my heart.

I was afraid.

I’m sorry.

I don’t think I can finish this letter. But I still want you to read it. It’s full of truth.

I don’t expect for you to understand. But I hope you will.

I want to talk to you. Please. Call. Tell me how and when I can call you. Write. Let me come to you. Let me bring you to me.

Anything.

It’s right for us to talk.

You are my first

And last

And only

True Love—

Ian

Oct 29

I love you, Sparrow.

W.B.T.

Nov 1

I love you more than anyone knows.

It would take a lifetime to show you.

Ian

Nov 3

I love you today and for always.

It’s a love that didn’t grow up overnight.

Ian

Nov 4

Your smile makes the sun shine.

I live to see that smile on me again.

Nov 5

My nights are a constant reaching for you ….

Nov 8

Dear Sparrow—

Don’t know where you are or who you’re with or what you’re doing. How you’re feeling, what you’re thinking. When you’re smiling, when you’re crying. If you miss me like I miss you. If you’ve got someone to talk to.

I know I’m still here and I still love you.

And I always will.

Ian

Nov 12

SparrowSparrowSparrowSparrow—

Another fabulous day.

I heard your voice last night.

Slept in ’til 9. Ate.

Hope I’ve heard from you before you get this letter. What did we talk about?

I’m so glad we talked.

I love you.

Ian

 
Nov 13

There is a miracle in the way love keeps enduring … across a million miles.

Nov 14

Sparrow—

I want to write I want to talk I want to communicate somehow

Words are not coming easy.

I hurt to my very soul.

I feel your pain and I’m not allowed to comfort you.

I know the certainty of my love for you and I have no way to give it to you.

I’ll stop here. I know I can’t express myself in this letter.

But please know that I love you.

I’m doing everything I know to do.

I want what’s right and what’s best for you.

I don’t believe that us being apart for life is necessary or best. Do you?

So much more I want to say.

For us

Ian

Nov 15

Do you get tired of people trying to help you “get over it”?

Forever Love.

Ian

Nov 16

Sparrow.

I miss you so much.

Ian

Nov 18

I mourn for the time we’ve lost. There’s a lot of life ahead. I don’t want us to miss out on any more of it. I’m so lonely without you. I love you, sweet Sparrow. My love.

I’m so ready to be with you.

Nov 19

Still barkin’ up your tree…

Nov 20

Yesterday I went into the library and just sat down, imagining you there.

Nov 22

Little Bird

It’s been about a half-hour now since I wrote the two words preceding this sentence. It’s so hard to have a one-sided conversation. I can’t address any of your thoughts or feelings and I want to so much.

We’re not strangers, Sparrow. I keep appealing to you because I know that no one else can really understand what is between us. These well-meaning people who say, “Life must go on,” have no idea. I can no more “go on” without you than I could if half of my body was cut away.

My soul is knit to yours. My life is hinged to yours. I move, I breathe, but I don’t really live without you. All that keeps my heart beating is the hope that it will someday beat next to yours again.

I love you, Sparrow.

Nov 24

It’s cold. You’re far. I’m saving your place.

Nov 25

I love you.

Give me a chance to show you how much.

Give yourself a chance to know it.

For us. Forever.

W.B.T.

Dec 1

You may have to break this heart

Before you can use it.

You may have to take it apart and start all over with me.

I know it hurts to change, but I don’t want to stay the same

Take me. Break me.

Do whatever it takes to make me what you need me to be.

Happy Birthday, my Little Bird.

I love you. I will always love you.

These are not adequate words. I write them, and a stream of half-fulfilled desires, snapshot memories, soul-deep emotions, nameless feelings rushes through me.

I think of everything I have ever loved, possessed, wanted, worked for, hoped for, treasured in my life.

I love you more.

More than my music. More than my career. More than my reputation. More than my independence. More than my life.

I would give up any or every one of them for your sake.

I would never be so bold as to make such statements, except that every word has been tested and proven true to me beyond any doubt. In the past couple of long months, I have, in some measure, felt the loss of all of these things. It has been painful—but nothing at all, compared to the loss of you.

My love for you is pure.

In September, something began in me that, I believe, I may spend the rest of my life trying to fully comprehend and describe.

I loved you before then—deeply.

But that night, in your room, after you finally came out of your closet, something changed.

I saw so many things that night. I saw myself. My unworthiness. My faithlessness. I saw the bitterness that had been in me, holding me for so many years. And I felt the full weight of my sins.

You were there, Sparrow, you know.

I broke my heart open. I pleaded with you and God and anyone else who would listen to search me and cleanse me and release me from all of that. To change me and forgive me.

And God heard me.

I saw something else. As I looked into the tearful, red face of the one person I loved more and had hurt more than anyone else in my life, I saw mercy and compassion. And I saw the pain it cost to give them.

I will never forget that moment. I have memorized that face. I have not let go of the hope it gave me.