Truly Tasteless Jokes One (3 page)

A failure.

*

How can you tell the only WASP in a sauna?

He's the one with the
Wall Street Journal
on his lap.

*

What's a WASP's idea of a welfare check?

An Irish tartan.

*

Why did God create WASPs?

Somebody had to buy retail.

*

How do WASPs wean their young?

By firing the maid.

*

What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?

Dating a Canadian.

*

What do you get when you cross a Jew and a WASP?

A pushy Pilgrim.

*

What do you get when you cross a WASP and an orangutan?

I don't know, but whatever it is, it won't let you in
its
cage.

*

What do you get when you cross a WASP and a Puerto Rican?

Assault and battery.

*

How can you tell a male WASP is sexually excited?

By the stiff upper lip.

*

How many WASPs does it take to plan a trip to Israel?

Two. One to ask where, and one to ask why.

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What do little girl WASPs want to be when they grow up?

“The very best person I possibly can.”

*

Why did the WASP cross the road?

To get to the middle.

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What's a WASP’s idea of foreplay?

Drying the dishes.

*

How can you tell the WASPs in a Chinese restaurant?

They're the ones not sharing the food.

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What's a WASP's idea of post-coital depression?

Not being able to reach
The New Yorker
from bed.

*

How does a WASP propose marriage?

He asks, “How would you like to be buried with my people?”

*

Two WASPs were making love when the man looked down and said, “Did I hurt you?”

“No,” she replied. “Why?”

“You moved.”

This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

“Wow!” says the bartender. That is really something. Where'd you get it?”

“Africa,” says the parrot.

*

What has six legs and goes “Ho-de-do, ho-de-do, ho-de-do?”

Three blacks running for the elevator.

*

What's another word for cocoon?

N-nigger.

*

What's black and white and goes rolling along the boardwalk?

A black and a pigeon fighting over a chicken wing.

*

How do you shoot a black man?

Aim for the boombox.

*

What do you call a black boy with a bicycle?

Thief!

*

What's the new
Webster's
definition of the word “confusion?”

Father's Day in Harlem.

*

What's the new
Webster's
definition of the word “reneg?”

Shift change at the carwash.

*

A black guy knew he had it made when the old brass bottle he found in the back yard turned out to have a genie in it. Any three wishes he had would be granted, the genie informed him.

“I wanna be rich,” said the black man. The back yard filled up with chests of gold coins and jewels in the blink of an eye.

Tm no fool,” said the black. “I wanna be white.” And there he stood, white, blond-haired and blue-eyed.

“Thirdly, I never want to work another day in my life.”

And he was black again.

*

A successful black banker got into the latest fad: hang gliding. He went out and bought a beautiful, sky-blue jumpsuit, took his hang glider, and proceeded to float off over the woods.

Two old white farmers, Royce and J.T., had picked the same day to do a little hunting. Royce looked up and said to J.T., “Shit! Dat's de biggest goddam bird I eva seen!”

“Let's get em,” said J.T.

They fired off several rounds, but the glider floated serenely over the trees and out of sight.

“Hell, Royce,” said J.T., “I b'lieve we dusted dat bird.”

“Shit, I
know
we dusted em,” said Royce. “Did you see how fast it dropped dat nigger?”

*

What do you get when you bury a thousand blacks up to their necks?

Afroturf.

*

An old Southern planter goes into the hospital and is informed by the doctor that his condition is pretty serious. In fact, he's going to require a heart transplant.

“Well, doctor,” drawls the planter, “you'd best get on with it. But whatever you do, just don't give me the heart of a nigger.”

When he comes out of the anesthetic, the doctor is leaning over his bedside anxiously. “Cal,” he says, “I got some good news and some bad news. I had to use a nigger's heart.”

Cal pales.

“But the good news is: your dick is three inches longer.”

*

What do you call a black millionaire industrialist?

A tycoon.

*

What do you call a black Frenchman?

Jacques Custodian.

*

What do you call a black test-tube baby?

Janitor in a Drum.

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Do you know why so many blacks were killed in Vietnam?

Because every time the sergeant said “Get down,” they stood up and started dancing.

*

Why are the palms of black people's hands white?

Because they were all leaned up against cop cars when God spray-painted.

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Did you hear about the new perfume for black women?

It's called Eau-de-doo-dah-day.

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How do you keep little black kids from jumping up and down on the bed?

Put Velcro on the ceiling.

*

What color's a black who's run over by a steamroller?

Flat black.

Why didn't the black man want to marry a Mexican?

He didn't want the kids to grow up too lazy to steal.

*

Do you know about the world's shortest books?

Polish Wit
and
Wisdom

Jewish Business Ethics

Italian War Heroes

and
Negroes I Have Met While Yachting

*

How can you tell there's an Irishman present at a cockfight?

He enters a duck.

How can you tell a Pole is present?

He bets on the duck.

How can you tell an Italian is present?

The duck wins.

*

Do you know the Irish definition of foreplay?

“Brace yourself, Bridget!”

*

“Help! Help!” cried the young woman as she staggered up the steps of the police station. “An Irishman molested me!”

“How'd you know he was Irish?” inquired the sergeant at the desk.

“I had to help him,” she gasped.

*

“Dad,” said the kid, “can I have five dollars to buy a guinea pig?”

“Here's ten dollars, son. Go find yourself a nice Irish girl.”

*

Did you hear about the man who was half Polish and half Italian?

He made himself an offer he couldn't understand.

*

A Jew, a Hindu, and an Irishman were traveling together, and as night fell they came to a little country inn. The innkeeper explained apologetically that only two beds were available in the inn but that he would be glad to make up a comfortable cot for the third man in the barn. So the three travelers drew straws, and it fell upon the Jew to sleep in the barn.

In a few minutes there was a knock on the door, to which the innkeeper responded. “I'm so sorry,” explained the Jew, “but there is a pig in the barn, and my religion forbids me to sleep under the same roof as a pig.”

The Hindu had taken the next straw, and out he went. In a few minutes, though, there was another knock, and the innkeeper opened the door on the Indian fellow. Apologizing gracefully, he explained that his religious persuasion forbade him to share shelter with a cow, and there was indeed such a creature in the barn.

Finally, out went the Irishman. In a few minutes there was yet another knock on the door, which the innkeeper answered. On the sill stood the pig and the cow.

*

An Italian, a Pole, and a black man moved out to California to seek their fortunes. The Italian and the black got jobs right away, but weeks went by without the Pole finding employment. Finally, one evening he announced to his roommates that he had a big interview the next morning at nine and, setting the alarm well ahead of time, he went to bed.

In the middle of the night the other two snuck into his room, smeared his face and hands with black shoe polish, and set the alarm forward. When it went off in the morning, the Pole leaped from his bed, pulled on his clothes, and dashed off so as not to be late for the critical interview.

The interviewer invited him in with an apologetic expression on his face. Tm sorry to have brought you here for nothing,” he said, “but I'm afraid we simply don't employ blacks.”

“Blacks! What are you talking about?” sputtered the Pole. “My name is Joe Bukarski!”

“I'm so sorry, Mr. Bukarski, but we simply don't make any exceptions in our hiring policy.”

“But I'm not black!”

“I'm sorry you're taking it so hard. You may not think you're black, but have you looked in a mirror lately?”

The Pole got up and went over to a mirror near the door. Staring in disbelief at his undeniably black reflection, he stammered, “Oh my God— they woke the wrong guy!”

*

The Italian and the Polish parachutists were arguing about who was best at folding a parachute. Unable to resolve their dispute on the ground, they decided to go up in the plane and judge by the mid-air performance of their chutes. The Pole jumped first, pulled the cord, and started floating toward the earth. The Italian jumped, pulled the cord—and nothing happened. He pulled the safety cord—nothing. In a matter of seconds he whizzed past the Pole, plummeting like a stone.

“Oh,” shouted the Pole, yanking off his harness, “so ya wanna
race
!”

*

A Jew and a Chinaman were in a bar together. The Jew brought up the subject of Pearl Harbor, reprimanding the Chinaman for the disgraceful role his countrymen had played. He protested vehemently, pointing out that the raid had been made by the Japanese, and that China was in no way to blame.

“Japanese, Chinese, they're all the same to me,” retorted the Jew.

Pretty soon the Chinese fellow started talking about the tragic sinking of the
Titanic
, asking the guy if he didn't feel some degree of personal responsibility about it.

“Hey, wait a minute!'' protested the guy. “The jews didn't have anything to do with the sinking of the
Titanic
—it was sunk by an iceberg!''

“Iceberg, Goldberg,'' said the Chinaman, “they're all the same to me.”