Trust (29 page)

“Since I’m laying all my cards out on the table here, Sarah has been living in the upstairs bedroom at my condo since she arrived. This weekend she found a place of her own and is moving out as we speak.”

She’d been living with him?

“Look at me, Brianna.”

No matter how conflicted I was feeling, I couldn’t deny him.

When my gaze met his, I could see the pain in them, and my heart broke a little more.

“I love you, Brianna, and I never meant to do anything that would make you question your trust in me.”

“Okay, that’s enough.” Cal pushed forward, placing his hand on Stephan’s chest.

Stephan wrapped his fingers around Cal’s wrist. “I’m not finished.”

“Yes, you are. You said what you came to say. Now you are going to leave.”

When Stephan didn’t move, Cal punctuated his words with a push. Stephan narrowed his eyes at Cal but took a step toward the door.

Cal positioned himself protectively between me and Stephan. Over the last few weeks, I wasn’t as jumpy around Cal as I used to be, but it still made me nervous when he was like this.

Stephan opened the door and paused before stepping outside. He met my gaze again from across the room. No words were spoken, but what I saw spoke volumes. He was hurting. Every instinct inside me called out to comfort him, but before I could command my body to move, he was gone.

I listened to him start his car and then disappear down the driveway.

Closing my eyes, I collapsed onto the floor as the blackness took over again.

When I opened my eyes, I was back in my bed. I had no recollection of returning to my bedroom. The last thing I remembered was seeing Stephan walking out the door and my heart breaking in two all over again.

“Hey, you’re awake.” Jade sat in one of the kitchen chairs a couple of feet from the bed.

I met her gaze but didn’t say anything.

“Are you hungry? I made some soup. It’s not as good as what you can make, but Cal says it’s edible.”

I shook my head.

She sighed and reached out to touch the tips of my fingers where they were laying on the bed. “Anna, you haven’t eaten anything in almost three days. You need to eat something.”

“I’m not hungry.” Even those three simple words took more effort than they should.

“Please eat something. For me?”

Reluctantly, I nodded. Jade had been so nice to me. I didn’t know if my moving in with Cal would have worked if not for her. She’d allowed me to lean on her when I no longer had Stephan.

Stephan.

My eyes filled with tears again.

Two seconds later, Jade’s arms were around me. “It will be okay. We’ll figure it out. I promise.”

She held me until I’d stopped crying. I felt dead inside except for the pain that seemed to be a permanent resident in my chest. It almost felt as if someone were sitting on top of me and wouldn’t get up. Every time I breathed in, it wasn’t enough to fill my lungs. It reminded me a little of my panic attacks, but this was different in that there wasn’t a flashback or a
fear
of pain. This time there
was
pain.

Jade brought me in some soup and sat with me while I ate it. It didn’t have much flavor. I didn’t know if it was just me or if it was because Jade had made it. She wasn’t very good with cooking, even with the few lessons I’d given her.

“You don’t like it.”

“It’s fine,” I said, sipping another spoonful into my mouth.

She didn’t say any more until I’d finished the soup. Taking the bowl from me, she laid it on the nightstand beside the bed. “Cal wants to come in and see you, but I asked him to wait. Anna, do you remember what happened this afternoon?”

“Yes.”

“So you remember Stephan coming to see you?”

“Yes. I remember.”

Jade moved to sit on the bed beside me. “Did you want to talk about it?”

Did I?

“There’s no pressure, but if you want to talk, I’ll listen.”

I thought about it for a few minutes. “Stephan has never lied to me before.”

“Do you think he’s lying now?”

“I don’t know. The news . . .”

Jade shifted so that we were facing each other. “No one can tell you what to do, Anna. Well, Cal will probably try to tell you what to do.”

She smiled, and I couldn’t help the soft snort that escaped.

“My point is that you can’t always believe what you hear on the news or read in the paper. Remember my friend I was telling you about? The one that was raped? The guy was a football player, and there were some people who thought she was lying. They spread rumors about her that weren’t true, and some of those rumors were printed in the campus paper. I know it’s not the same thing, but . . .” She sighed. “What does your heart tell you?”

“I don’t know!” I cried.

She grabbed hold of my hands and held tight. “Yes you do. One way or another, you know.”

Four days later, I sat across from Dr. Perkins in her office. It had been a long week. Stephan had come to see me again on Tuesday, but Jade had met him at the front door and told him that he needed to give me some space. I wanted to see him, but I didn’t at the same time. He’d been my stability since he’d gotten me away from Ian. For the first time in months, I felt unsure of the one thing I’d always been certain of. Him.

I reached up and touched my collar. There were several times this week I’d almost taken it off. It didn’t feel right for me to wear it anymore. Not when I was doubting . . . everything.

“You look like you have a lot on your mind today, Anna.”

As if I’d been stung, I dropped my hand and wrapped my arms around my torso. I looked quickly around the room as if waiting for some unknown . . . something . . . to jump out at me.

I hadn’t wanted to come today, but Jade and Cal had begged me to go. They thought it would help.

“This is a safe place. No one’s going to hurt you here.”

Meeting Dr. Perkins’s gaze, I saw the same worry that had been on Cal’s and Jade’s faces since Monday. I didn’t like making them worry about me, but I couldn’t help it. My world no longer made sense to me. “You know what happened?”

“Your friends filled me in on some of it, but I’d like to hear it from you. If, that is, you’d like to share it with me.”

Dropping my gaze to the floor, I raised my feet up onto the couch and rested my chin on my knees while hugging my legs. Every time I talked about it, I felt. I didn’t want to feel.

When I didn’t say anything after a while, Dr. Perkins leaned forward in her chair, and laid her pad of paper aside. “I know there has to be a lot going on inside your head right now, Anna, and I’d like to help you sort through it . . . make sense of it, if I can, but I’m going to need for you to talk to me.”

Closing my eyes, I let the pain creep in. “I don’t know if he’s lying. I don’t know.”

The feeble dam that had been holding my emotions at bay broke wide open. My entire body shook violently with my sobs as I let the pain flow freely through me for the first time since I’d seen the pictures of Stephan and Sarah on television. The will to keep myself upright disappeared eventually, and I fell onto my side into a fetal position. It hurt so much, and this time no one could take it away.

For the next two weeks, the pattern continued to repeat itself off and on. Anytime someone would say something about Stephan, or anything that would remind me of him, I’d end up curled in a ball crying for what felt like hours until I no longer had the energy to cry anymore.

After that first Tuesday, Stephan didn’t attempt to stop by Cal’s house, but that didn’t stop him from contacting me. He sent flowers every day after that first week, and when I logged on to my computer every day there was always an e-mail from him. I didn’t read them, but knowing they were there was both a blessing and a curse. It didn’t help me know what to do.

On Friday night, after yet another session with Dr. Perkins that was mostly made up of me breaking down in uncontrollable tears, I lay in my room staring at the ceiling. I needed someone to tell me what I should do.

Rolling over, my gaze fell on my laptop. I hadn’t logged on to my e-mail today, but I knew that if I did, there would be another e-mail from Stephan. The pull to read them had become even stronger as the days passed. It was becoming difficult to resist.

Jade kept saying that eventually I’d figure it out . . . that I’d know what to do . . . what to believe. I wasn’t sure she was right.

Reaching out, I ran my index finger over the edge of the computer as if it held the answer to my conundrum.

Before I could stop myself, I flipped open the screen and set the computer on my lap. As soon as it was booted up, it beeped, notifying me that I had new mail. Hesitating for only a fraction of a second, I clicked on the icon that would bring up my e-mail. There, staring back at me, were at least twenty messages from Stephan—at least one every day for over two weeks, and on some days there’d been two or three.

Pressing my lips together, I argued with myself. Should I read them or go on ignoring his attempts at communication?

As soon as the word
communication
popped into my head, I recalled how many times he’d gone on and on about how important communicating with him was. But he’d broken that rule, hadn’t he?

Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and counted to ten. Before I opened them, my right index finger pressed down on the keyboard almost as if it were following its own command. When I looked at the screen again, there, in black and white, was Stephan’s e-mail.

Brianna,

I have no idea if you’re reading these e-mails I’m sending you or not, but I hope that you are.

There is nothing that I can say or do to express to you how very sorry I am for not telling you about what was going on sooner. I wanted to explain the situation to you in person, not over some lifeless computer. I wanted to hold you so you’d have no doubt that what I was telling you was true.

You must have questions, and I want to answer them for you. Please give me the chance. I love you, sweetheart, and I always will. Please, talk to me.

Love,

Stephan

I brushed the tears from my cheeks as I read his words. There was anguish in what he’d written, just as there’d been in his eyes the last time I saw him.

One by one, I read through the e-mails. Most of them were similar to the first one I’d read, only varying slightly and with increasing desperation. He was hurting, and no matter how confused I was or how much pain I was in, I couldn’t deny his one request. Stephan saved me. Even if he had lied to me about Sarah and the baby, he’d still given me back my life when I’d thought all hope of anything past surviving had been taken from me. At the very least, I owed him this.

Setting my laptop to the side, I slipped out of bed and tiptoed out of my bedroom. The house was dark, and for the first time, I realized how late it was. I debated whether or not I should go back to my room or not, but tomorrow was Saturday, and Jade and Cal would most likely not have work or school. They’d been watching me like hawks lately.

As quietly as I could, I walked to the other side of the house where Cal and Jade’s bedroom was located. Not giving myself the time to second-guess my decision, I knocked on the door.

Less than a minute later, Cal opened the door. His hair was standing on end, and he looked as if he’d just been woken from a bad dream. “Anna? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”

I shook my head.

He frowned. “What is it?”

Meeting his gaze, I took a deep breath to gather the courage I would need to make this request of him. “I need to talk to Stephan. Will you drive me?”

Chapter 26

Stephan

The sound of buzzing caused me to sit up in bed. Glancing over at the
clock, I noted that it was three o’clock in the morning. Who in the world was ringing my doorbell at this hour?

Getting out of bed, I threw on a pair of jeans and headed for the door. Whoever it was, it had to be someone I knew or they would never have gotten past the front desk. At least, I hoped we never had another incident like what had happened with Brianna’s father. Considering he was behind bars for the foreseeable future, I highly doubted it to be a likely scenario.

As I drew closer to the entrance, the security panel came into view. I almost tripped over my own feet when I saw Brianna standing there. Ross was beside her, but all I could focus on was her. I rushed the rest of the way to the door and flung it open. “Brianna?”

Ross scowled but said nothing.

Brianna looked nervous but determined. I had no idea what was going through her head. We hadn’t spoken since I’d shown up at Ross’s house almost three weeks ago.

“I read your e-mails.”

At her confession, I breathed a sigh of relief. I’d not been sure that she would read them, but I’d hoped . . . prayed she would. “Would you like to come in?”

She nodded and stepped inside. Ross shadowed her.

I wasn’t thrilled with his presence. The man had bloodied my lip the last time I saw him. I’d spent the rest of the evening icing the thing, and even then, it had been noticeable the next day. The newspaper had speculated it was a present from Sarah’s father after the news had leaked that I’d knocked her up.