Trust Me (Beggar's Choice #2) (8 page)

“Good evening Camden,” he drawls.
“Are you ready for us?” He’s drowned out by screaming but when he holds up his
hand they quieten instantly. “We’re going to play you some new stuff tonight.
We hope you like it, but wait how rude of me - let me introduce ourselves in
case you don’t know us.” He goes round the boys, introducing them mockingly and
I laugh when he ignores me until the shouts from the men in the crowd get too
loud. Holding a hand to his ear he pretends to be forgetful. ”Oops!” he says,
and then advances on me swiftly, and I shriek when he gets to me and drops me
into a loose, one armed swoop. Lifting the microphone with his other hand he
shouts, “Let me introduce you to our latest addition. This is Miss Nelly
Slater.”

“Bastard!” I hiss, and from my
upside down position I see Sid throw his head back and laugh.

“She’s kindly agreed to share our
tour bus,” Charlie goes on. ‘Lucky bitch’ a few shrieks announce and he laughs.
“You might say that but after a few weeks I’m not sure Nelly here is going to
agree with you. She’s a great singer so let’s give Nelly a cheer.” He rights me
abruptly and my hand flies to the neckline of my top to make sure that my
breasts are covered. “Enough of this polite shit,” Charlie shouts. “Let’s get
on with the fucking show.” Seth starts a slow, heavy, drum beat and then we’re
off.

Sid

At first I was too nervous to
take much notice of Nell, beyond making sure that she was okay. The rest of me
was too concerned with the utter novelty of being stone cold sober and clean on
a stage for the first time in years. I hadn’t thought much about this in the
long process of getting clean but I certainly wasn’t prepared to feel so
freaked out. It’s nothing like I remember from my cocaine haze. The lights are
brighter, the noise is deafening and I feel … well I feel everything, and after
we start the opening chords of one of the new songs I throw my head back and
laugh. I remember now. I remember everything about how this used to make me
feel, and I think that it’s the first time I ever really reproach myself for
doing that to
myself
rather than to everyone else. How could I lose the
music which was the only thing that has ever kept me together, and I resolve
yet again that I am never, ever going back on that shit, because for years I’ve
lived a half-life when I could have been living large. I see Charlie looking at
me and I grin so widely I might break teeth and he laughs in relief and finally
turns back to the crowd and fully engages. I look at his back and know that the
time is coming when we’ll have to really talk because he’s got to trust me
properly or all this will have been for nothing. A pair of panties land on my
chest and bring me back to reality and I move downstage, fully engaged and
alive for the first time in years.

It’s only after a few songs when
we’ve swung back into playing like a well-oiled unit again that I look at Nell
and once I do I find that I can’t actually tear my eyes away. She and Charlie
are singing a duet which was one of the first things that we wrote when I got
out of rehab. It’s a dark song about a man asking a woman what her new man can
do for her and having her taunt him, and I was right when I said the first time
I saw her that her voice would mesh perfectly with his. His voice is rough and
gravelly while hers is so warm and clear that it clings to his and compliments
it, but it’s not that, that gets my attention. Her whole body language is so
different. She’s not flaunting herself but that slight air of diffidence that
always surrounds her is gone. She’s confident, and although her eyes are
smiling she’s perfectly getting the drama of the message across, and the crowd
is spell bound watching them as they reach each other and she paces around him
in a circle singing about what her new man does to her in bed that he can’t do,
while he holds his chest pretending to be wounded and the crowd cheers. Her
little fucking shorts show off her bare thighs, and her long legs look even
longer in those boots. Her cheeks are flushed and her hair tousled and she
looks so much like she’s just stepped out of some man’s bed that I can feel
myself harden. It’s at this point that I become aware of Bram wandering over to
me. He’s incapable of standing still on stage and is forever moving around but
I curse his instinct which has inevitably led him over here when I’m suffering.
Not losing track of the beat he leans in.

“She’s fucking something else
isn’t she? I think I’ve just come in my pants watching her,” he screams in my
ear and I jerk my head at him giving him a warning glare. It’s wasted on the
contrary fucker as normal though because he just laughs and wanders off again
leaving me to glare impotently at his back, until I’m brought back to myself by
a pair of pants hitting me in the face causing Nell to break into a fit of
giggles. I grin unwillingly back at her but I can feel a panic stealing over
me. I know I’m feeling things that I can’t, for someone that I won’t be able to
touch, and I can’t do that now. Not at this moment when I’m clean for the first
time and everything is running better. I can’t do that again after Leah, and
it’s the thought of Leah that gives me the strength to ignore that face full of
laughter that’s so beautiful, and to turn away from her to flirt with the women
in the audience. For the rest of the night though I can’t get the hurt
expression that washed over her face out of my mind.

Nell

I don’t know what happened to Sid
out there but all that fizzing chemistry that had been arcing between us on
stage has gone now as if it never happened - turned off by him. One minute he’d
been laughing and so full of life and beautiful that it was hard to keep my
eyes off him, and then it went from his face and he’d moved away mentally as
well as physically and he’s kept up that distance since we came off stage.

When the show ended with Charlie
doing a very disturbing cover of Kylie’s ‘Can’t Get You Out of My Head’ which
went down a storm, we left the theatre in a load of taxis and now we’re
entering a nightclub in Camden called Bloom for the after show party.

It’s a very cutting edge club,
full of glass and mirrors with masses of fresh flowers everywhere filling the
building with the heady scent of tropical flowers. Lights flash across the
walls as we troop into an area that’s been set aside for us, and I sigh with relief
because the music is much more muted in here. Then I gasp in shock as I realise
that the floor is a sheet of strengthened glass looking down on the dancefloor
below. When I got changed after the show I put on opaque tights underneath my
black shorts which I’ve paired with a black and white checked, sleeveless
peplum top and a tight black cardigan, and I thank my lucky stars, or otherwise
I’d be sharing a part of myself that hasn’t done the rounds since what feels
like the Victorian age. Viv comes up behind me.

“Thank fuck I wore underwear,”
she cackles in my ear and I laugh, turning to her just in time to see her
expression freeze slightly as there’s a round of cheers and Charlie and Seth
enter the room, Seth with Lucy hanging prettily from his arm. I think if I
hadn’t turned at that precise second I’d never have known anything was wrong
because her face instantly smooths over into a welcoming smile. However, I did
turn and now I’m wondering just how much of her joie de vive is an act, because
just for a second I saw real heartbreak there. She must catch the sympathy in
my eyes because she shakes her head quickly. “Don’t. Please don’t,” she
whispers and I nod catching her hand and giving it a squeeze, hopefully letting
her know that I’m here if she needs me. I know I’m not one of her close circle
of friends but the more I see of the girls, the more I like them. Perhaps I
shouldn’t, because when the tour is over I’ll probably never see them again.
The thought saddens me but I shake it off in time to accept a crushing hug from
Seth.

“Fucking brilliant sweetheart,”
he says. “I enjoyed that so fucking much!”

I laugh giddily. “It was wasn’t
it?” I shout in his ear aware of Lucy glaring.

“Yep and I have to say I can’t
believe how fucking good you sound.”

“I’ll second that,” Charlie
drawls, coming up with his arm around Mabe.

“Your voice gave me goose bumps,”
she says giving me a hug, and I blush.

“Thank you but I really didn’t do
much.”

“Yes you did,” she protests.
“They sound so different with you there.” I shrug smiling and try not to look
too obvious about looking over her shoulder to see where Sid is. However, I
don’t need to look because a load of cheering sounds out and over the heads of
people I see Bram roaming in with a very pretty Chinese girl hanging onto his
arm, and behind him lopes Sid. He looks wonderful, his hair still wet and swept
back over his forehead making those cerulean eyes seem bluer than ever. He’s
wearing another pair of disreputable jeans which are so old he must be holding
them together with willpower. They’re teamed with a deep blue, long sleeved
Henley worn over a white t-shirt, but it’s his expression that catches my eye.
The earlier euphoria is gone, replaced with what looks very much like
diffidence. This disappears instantly to be replaced by shy pleasure when he’s
surrounded by a wall of blokes slapping him on the back and welcoming him back.
He looks so stunned and relieved that I have to fight back tears because I’m so
pleased for him, and I turn away to hide my expression only to find Charlie
looking at me closely. Our glances mesh for a second and then he gives me a
smile which I’ve never seen him use before with anyone outside his close
circle. I open my mouth to say God knows what but he just pats me on the
shoulder and moves away to be buried under a wave of congratulations.

Confused I stand for a second and
then, feeling a bit awkward standing alone, I head over to the bar. “What can I
get you sweetheart?” the barman asks and I smile.

“Gin and Tonic please.” I smile my
thanks when he hands it over.

“You part of this?” He gives me
one of those practised up and down looks that only really good man whores can
manage, and I smile wryly at him.

“Only for a bit,” I reply, and
I’m struck with a twinge of sadness but I push it away and resolve just to
enjoy myself.

“You must be something to do with
the music business though,” he persists, leaning over the bar at me.

“She is,” comes a familiar, curt
voice behind me and I feel a wave of heat hit my back as Sid leans in close behind
me, caging me in with his arms. He looks over at the barman. “I’ll have what
she’s got,” he says. “No, you know what, we’ll share,” and with a challenging
glance at the man he turns my glass until he’s at the point where my lips met
the glass, and then deliberately raises it to his lips. I’m dimly aware of the
barman shaking his head and moving away but I’m too consumed with the
deliberate sensuousness of what Sid just did. Watching his strong throat work
as he swallows the drink, I’m submerged in a wave of heat. He puts the glass
down with a deliberateness that is obvious and looking up I find my eyes
tangling with his. A drop of the drink clings to his full lower lip and I have
to clench my fists to stop myself reaching up and sucking it off.

“You drank my drink,” I turn
within the circle of his arms and say mock indignantly, trying for a lighter
note. However, he says nothing, just stares at me for a second and then
reaching up he pushes back a strand of my hair that has fallen forward and
tucks it behind my ear. His fingers linger and a trail of fire passes over my
skin as he caresses my cheek. I shudder and something brings him back and he
shakes himself slightly and stands back.

“You were great tonight,” he says
abruptly.

“Thank you. You were brilliant
too.” For a second we stand awkwardly. I have so much that I want to say to
him. It always seems like I have so many conversations that I want to have with
him that there’s never enough time, and then I think fuck it. “Was it hard?”

He doesn’t make any pretence of
not knowing what I’m talking about and shrugs.  “Yeah. I didn’t think it
was going to be. In fact I’d not given a thought to it to be honest. I mean
I’ve been playing on stages since I was fifteen so why would it be? But then
when I got out there I realised that I hadn’t actually been myself since I was
twenty. That’s so fucking stupid isn’t it?” he says with a slightly bitter
expression.

“Not really.”

“No? Because I’ve been fucked off
my face for most of my twenties Nell. I don’t remember any of the details of my
life for eight years. I don’t remember how many people I hurt or let down. I
can’t remember their faces or recall their names. I can’t even remember buying
my house or half the funny stuff that the other lads remember. It’s all one big
disassociated blur. That’s some fucked up shit right there isn’t it?”

I opt for honesty because I’m too
stunned by his to offer any platitudes. “Yes it’s fucked up. I hate that you’ve
let so many years go by without you knowing. I hate that you chose to put that
shit inside you.” He looks ashamed but I catch his arm and shake it,
registering the warm firmness of it and almost unconsciously running my
fingernails down the prominent veins that run down the back of his forearm. He
shudders wildly like there’s an electric current running down his arm and his
eyes darken. I trail down and finding his hand I give it a squeeze to get his
attention. “But it isn’t all bad Sid because you’ve got to remember one thing.
You’re clean now. Stay clean and learn your lesson and remember it for the rest
of your life. Keep your memories clean and safe from now on and don’t be stupid
again.”

He sighs heavily. “I suppose
that’s it then now,” he says, trying for lightness. “I’ve bared my soul to you.
Now you’ll be fetching me blankets and drinks and looking at me sideways for
the rest of my life like everyone else.”