Twelfth Night (17 page)

SIR ANDREW
    If a bloody coxcomb be a hurt, you have hurt me. I

think you
set nothing by
¹⁹²
a bloody coxcomb. Here comes Sir

Toby
halting.
You shall hear more. But if he had not been
in
¹⁹³

drink, he would have
tickled
you
othergates
¹⁹⁴
than he did.

ORSINO
    How now, gentleman? How is’t with you?

SIR TOBY
    That’s
all one
: h’as hurt me, and
there’s th’end on’t.
¹⁹⁶

Sot
¹⁹⁷
, didst see Dick surgeon, sot?

FESTE
    O, he’s drunk, Sir Toby, an hour
agone.
¹⁹⁸
His eyes

were
set
¹⁹⁹
at eight i’th’morning.

SIR TOBY
    Then he’s a rogue, and a
passy measures pavin.
²⁰⁰
I

hate a drunken rogue.

OLIVIA
    Away with him! Who hath made this havoc with

them?

SIR ANDREW
    I’ll help you, Sir Toby, because we’ll
be dressed
²⁰⁴

together.

SIR TOBY
    Will you help? An ass-head and a
coxcomb
²⁰⁶
and a

knave, a thin-faced knave, a
gull!
²⁰⁷

OLIVIA
    Get him to bed, and let his hurt be looked to.

SEBASTIAN
    I am sorry, madam, I have hurt your kinsman.

But, had it been the
brother of my blood
²¹⁰
,

I must have done no less
with wit and safety.
²¹¹

You throw a
strange regard
²¹²
upon me, and by that

I do perceive it hath offended you.

Pardon me, sweet one, even for the vows

We made each other but so late ago.

ORSINO
    One face, one voice, one
habit
²¹⁶
, and two persons,

A
natural perspective
²¹⁷
, that is and is not!

SEBASTIAN
    Antonio, O my dear Antonio!

How have the hours
racked
²¹⁹
and tortured me,

Since I have lost thee!

ANTONIO
    Sebastian are you?

SEBASTIAN
    
Fear’st
²²²
thou that, Antonio?

ANTONIO
    How have you made division of yourself?

An apple cleft in two is not more twin

Than these two creatures. Which is Sebastian?

OLIVIA
    Most wonderful!

SEBASTIAN
    Do I stand there? I never had a brother,

Nor can there be that
deity
²²⁸
in my nature

Of
here and everywhere.
²²⁹
I had a sister,

Whom the
blind
²³⁰
waves and surges have devoured.

Of charity
²³¹
, what kin are you to me?

What countryman? What name? What parentage?

VIOLA
    Of Messaline. Sebastian was my father,

Such a Sebastian was my brother too,

So went he
suited
²³⁵
to his watery tomb.

If spirits can assume both
form and suit
²³⁶

You come to fright us.

SEBASTIAN
    A spirit I am indeed,

But
am in that dimension grossly clad
²³⁹

Which from the womb I did
participate.
²⁴⁰

Were you a woman, as
the rest goes even
²⁴¹
,

I should my tears let fall upon your cheek,

And say ‘Thrice-welcome, drownèd Viola!’

VIOLA
    My father had a mole upon his brow.

SEBASTIAN
    And so had mine.

VIOLA
    And died that day when Viola from her birth

Had numbered thirteen years.

SEBASTIAN
    O, that
record
is
lively
²⁴⁸
in my soul!

He finished indeed his mortal act

That day that made my sister thirteen years.

VIOLA
    If nothing
lets
²⁵¹
to make us happy both

But this my masculine usurped attire,

Do not embrace me till each circumstance

Of place, time, fortune, do cohere and
jump
²⁵⁴

That I am Viola — which to confirm,

I’ll bring you to a captain in this town,

Where lie my maiden
weeds
²⁵⁷
, by whose gentle help

I was preserved to serve this noble count.

All the occurrence of my fortune since

Hath been between this lady and this lord.

SEBASTIAN
    So comes it, lady, you have been
mistook.
²⁶¹

But nature
to her bias drew
²⁶²
in that.

You would have been
contracted
²⁶³
to a maid,

Nor are you therein, by my life, deceived,

You are betrothed both to a maid and man.

ORSINO
    Be not amazed; right noble is his blood.—

If this be so, as yet the
glass
²⁶⁷
seems true,

I shall have share in this most
happy
²⁶⁸
wreck.—

Boy, thou hast said to me a thousand times

Thou never shouldst love woman
like to
²⁷⁰
me.

VIOLA
    And all those sayings will I
overswear
²⁷¹
;

And all those swearings keep as true in soul

As doth that
orbèd continent
²⁷³
the fire

That severs day from night.

ORSINO
    Give me thy hand,

And let me see thee in thy woman’s weeds.

VIOLA
    The captain that did bring me first on shore

Hath my maid’s garments. He upon some
action
²⁷⁸

Is now
in durance
²⁷⁹
, at Malvolio’s suit,

A gentleman, and follower of my lady’s.

OLIVIA
    He shall
enlarge
²⁸¹
him. Fetch Malvolio hither.

And yet, alas, now I
remember me
²⁸²
,

They say, poor gentleman, he’s much
distract.
²⁸³

A most
extracting
frenzy
²⁸⁴
of mine own

From my remembrance clearly banished his.
²⁸⁵

How does he, sirrah?

FESTE
    Truly, madam, he holds
Beelzebub
at
the stave’s end
²⁸⁷

as well as a man in his case may do. H’as here writ a letter to

you; I should have given’t you
today
²⁸⁹
morning, but as a

madman’s
epistles
are no
gospels
, so it
skills
²⁹⁰
not much when

they are
delivered.
²⁹¹

OLIVIA
    Open’t, and read it.

FESTE
    Look then to be well edified when the fool
delivers
²⁹³

the madman. ‘By the lord, madam’—

OLIVIA
    How now, art thou mad?

FESTE
    No, madam, I do but read madness. An your

ladyship will have it as it ought to be, you must allow
vox
.
²⁹⁷

OLIVIA
    Prithee read i’thy right wits.

FESTE
    So I do, madonna. But to
read
his
right wits
²⁹⁹
is to

read thus: therefore
perpend
³⁰⁰
, my princess, and give ear.

OLIVIA
    Read it you, sirrah.

FABIAN
    
Reads

‘By the lord, madam, you wrong me, and the world shall

know it. Though you have put me into darkness and given

your drunken cousin rule over me, yet have I the benefit of

my senses as well as your ladyship. I have your own letter

that induced me to the
semblance
I put on; with
the which
³⁰⁶
I

doubt not but to do myself much right, or you much shame.

Think of me as you please. I leave my
duty
³⁰⁸
a little unthought

of and speak
out of my injury.
³⁰⁹

The madly-used Malvolio.’

OLIVIA
    Did he write this?

FESTE
    Ay, madam.

ORSINO
    This savours not much of distraction.

OLIVIA
    See him
delivered
³¹⁴
, Fabian, bring him hither.

My lord,
so
please you, these things further
thought on
³¹⁵
,

To think me
as well a sister as a wife
³¹⁶
,

One day shall crown
th’alliance
³¹⁷
on’t, so please you,

Here at my house and at my
proper
³¹⁸
cost.

ORSINO
    Madam, I am most
apt
³¹⁹
t’embrace your offer.—

Your master
quits
³²⁰
you. And for your service done him,

So much against the
mettle
³²¹
of your sex,

So far beneath your soft and tender breeding,

And since you called me master for so long,

Here is my hand. You shall from this time be

Your master’s mistress.

OLIVIA
    A sister! You are she.

ORSINO
    Is this the madman?

OLIVIA
    Ay, my lord, this same.—

How now, Malvolio?

MALVOLIO
    Madam, you have done me wrong,

Notorious wrong.

OLIVIA
    Have I, Malvolio? No.

MALVOLIO
    Lady, you have. Pray you peruse that letter.

You must not now deny it is your
hand.
³³⁴

Write
from it
³³⁵
, if you can, in hand or phrase,

Or say ’tis not your seal, not your
invention.
³³⁶

You can say none of this. Well, grant it then,

And tell me, in the
modesty of honour
³³⁸
,

Why you have given me such clear
lights
³³⁹
of favour,

Bade me come smiling and cross-gartered to you,

To put on yellow stockings and to frown

Upon Sir Toby and the
lighter
³⁴²
people?

And,
acting
³⁴³
this in an obedient hope,

Why have you
suffered
³⁴⁴
me to be imprisoned,

Kept in a dark house, visited by the priest,

And made the most notorious
geck
³⁴⁶
and gull

That e’er
invention played on?
³⁴⁷
Tell me why.

OLIVIA
    Alas, Malvolio, this is not my writing,

Though, I confess, much like the
character
³⁴⁹
,

But
out of
³⁵⁰
question ’tis Maria’s hand.

And now I do bethink me, it was she

First told me thou wast mad; then
cam’st
³⁵²
in smiling,

And in such forms which here were
presupposed
³⁵³

Upon thee in the letter. Prithee be content.

This
practice
hath most
shrewdly
passed
³⁵⁵
upon thee,

But when we know the grounds and authors of it,

Thou shalt be both the plaintiff and the judge

Of thine own cause.

FABIAN
    Good madam, hear me speak,

And let no quarrel nor no brawl to come

Taint the
condition
³⁶¹
of this present hour,

Which I have
wondered
³⁶²
at. In hope it shall not,

Most freely I confess, myself and Toby

Set this device against Malvolio here,

Upon
some stubborn and
uncourteous
parts
³⁶⁵

We had
conceived against
³⁶⁶
him. Maria writ

The letter at Sir Toby’s great
importance
³⁶⁷
,

In recompense whereof he hath married her.

How with a
sportful
malice it was
followed
³⁶⁹
,

May rather
pluck on
³⁷⁰
laughter than revenge,

If that
³⁷¹
the injuries be justly weighed

That have on both sides passed.

OLIVIA
    Alas, poor fool, how have they
baffled
³⁷³
thee!

FESTE
    Why, ‘Some are born great, some achieve greatness,

and some have greatness thrown upon them.’ I was one, sir,

in this
interlude
³⁷⁶
; one Sir Topas, sir, but that’s all one. ‘By the

Lord, fool, I am not mad.’ But do you remember? ‘Madam,

why laugh you at such a barren rascal? An you smile not,

he’s gagged.’ And thus the
whirligig
³⁷⁹
of time brings in his

revenges.

MALVOLIO
    I’ll be revenged on the whole pack of you.