Twelfth Night (13 page)

SIR TOBY
    Is’t possible?

FABIAN
    If this were played upon a stage now, I could

condemn it as an improbable fiction.

SIR TOBY
    His very
genius
¹¹⁷
hath taken the infection of the

device, man.

MARIA
    Nay, pursue him now, lest the device
take air and
¹¹⁹

taint.

FABIAN
    Why, we shall make him mad indeed.

MARIA
    The house will be the quieter.

SIR TOBY
    Come, we’ll have him
in a dark room and bound.
¹²³

My niece is already in the belief that he’s mad. We may
carry
¹²⁴

it thus, for our pleasure and his penance, till our very

pastime, tired out of breath, prompt us to have mercy on

him, at which time we will bring the device to the
bar
¹²⁷
and

crown thee for a
finder of madmen.
¹²⁸
But see, but see.

FABIAN
    More
matter
for a
May morning.
¹²⁹

SIR ANDREW
    Here’s the challenge, read it. I
warrant
¹³⁰

there’s vinegar and pepper in’t.

FABIAN
    Is’t so
saucy?
¹³²

SIR ANDREW
    Ay, is’t, I
warrant
¹³³
him. Do but read.

SIR TOBY
    Give me. ‘Youth, whatsoever thou art, thou

art but a
scurvy
¹³⁵
fellow.’

FABIAN
    Good, and valiant.

SIR TOBY
    ‘Wonder not, nor
admire
¹³⁷
not in thy mind,

why I do call thee so, for I will show thee no reason for’t.’

FABIAN
    A good
note
, that
keeps
you from the
blow of the
¹³⁹

law.

SIR TOBY
    ‘Thou comest to the lady Olivia, and in my

sight she uses thee kindly. But thou
liest in thy throat
¹⁴²
, that is

not the matter I challenge thee for.’

FABIAN
    Very brief, and to exceeding good sense— less.

SIR TOBY
    ‘I will waylay thee going home, where if it

be thy chance to kill me’—

FABIAN
    Good.

SIR TOBY
    ‘Thou killest me like a rogue and a villain.’

FABIAN
    Still you keep
o’th’windy
¹⁴⁹
side of the law. Good.

SIR TOBY
    ‘Fare thee well, and God have mercy upon

one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine, but my

hope
is better, and so look to thyself. Thy friend,
as thou usest
¹⁵²

him, and thy sworn enemy,

Andrew Aguecheek.’

If this letter
move
¹⁵⁵
him not, his legs cannot. I’ll give’t him.

MARIA
    You may have very fit occasion for’t: he is now in

some
commerce
¹⁵⁷
with my lady, and will by and by depart.

SIR TOBY
    Go, Sir Andrew.
Scout me
¹⁵⁸
for him at the corner of

the orchard like a
bumbaily
¹⁵⁹
: so soon as ever thou see’st him,

draw, and as thou draw’st swear
horrible
¹⁶⁰
, for it comes to pass

oft that a terrible oath, with a swaggering accent sharply

twanged off
, gives manhood more
approbation
¹⁶²
than ever

proof
¹⁶³
itself would have earned him. Away!

SIR ANDREW
    Nay,
let me alone
¹⁶⁴
for swearing.

SIR TOBY
    Now will not I deliver his letter, for the behaviour of

the young gentleman gives him out to be of good
capacity
¹⁶⁶

and breeding. His employment between his lord and my

niece confirms no less: therefore this letter, being so

excellently ignorant, will breed no terror in the youth. He

will find it comes from a
clodpole.
¹⁷⁰
But, sir, I will deliver his

challenge by word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable

report of valour, and drive the gentleman, as I know his

youth
will
aptly receive
it, into a most
hideous
¹⁷³
opinion of his

rage, skill, fury and impetuosity. This will so fright them both

that they will kill one another by the look, like
cockatrices.
¹⁷⁵

FABIAN
    Here he comes with your niece.
Give them way
¹⁷⁶
till

he take leave, and
presently
¹⁷⁷
after him.

SIR TOBY
    I will meditate the while upon some
horrid
¹⁷⁸
message

for a challenge.

OLIVIA
    I have said too much unto a heart of stone

And
laid
mine honour too
unchary
¹⁸¹
on’t.

There’s something in me that reproves my fault,

But such a headstrong potent fault it is,

That it but mocks reproof.

VIOLA
    With the same
’haviour that your passion bears
¹⁸⁵

Goes on my master’s griefs.

OLIVIA
    Here, wear this
jewel
¹⁸⁷
for me, ’tis my picture.

Refuse it not. It hath no tongue to vex you.

And I beseech you come again tomorrow.

What shall you ask of me that I’ll deny,

That
honour saved
¹⁹¹
may upon asking give?

VIOLA
    Nothing but this: your true love for my master.

OLIVIA
    How with mine honour may I give him that

Which I have given to you?

VIOLA
    I will
acquit
¹⁹⁵
you.

OLIVIA
    Well, come again tomorrow. Fare thee well.

A fiend like thee might bear my soul to hell.

SIR TOBY
    Gentleman, God save thee.

VIOLA
    And you, sir.

SIR TOBY
    
That
defence thou hast,
betake
²⁰⁰
thee to’t. Of what

nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know not, but

thy
intercepter
, full of
despite
,
bloody
²⁰²
as the hunter, attends

thee at the orchard-end.
Dismount
thy
tuck
, be
yare
²⁰³
in thy

preparation, for thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.

VIOLA
    You mistake, sir, I am sure. No man hath any

quarrel
to
me: my
remembrance
²⁰⁶
is very free and clear from

any image of offence done to any man.

SIR TOBY
    You’ll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore, if

you hold your life at any
price
²⁰⁹
, betake you to your guard, for

your
opposite
²¹⁰
hath in him what youth, strength, skill and

wrath can furnish man
withal.
²¹¹

VIOLA
    I pray you, sir, what is he?

SIR TOBY
    He is knight,
dubbed
with
unhatched
rapier and
on
²¹³

carpet consideration, but he is a devil in private brawl. Souls

and bodies hath he divorced three, and his
incensement
²¹⁵
at

this moment is so implacable that
satisfaction
²¹⁶
can be none

but by pangs of death and
sepulchre.
Hob, nob
, is his
word
²¹⁷
:

give’t or take’t.

VIOLA
    I will return again into the house and desire some

conduct
²²⁰
of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard of some

kind of men that put quarrels purposely on others, to
taste
²²¹

their valour. Belike this is a man of that
quirk.
²²²

SIR TOBY
    Sir, no. His indignation derives itself out of a very

competent
²²⁴
injury: therefore, get you on and give him his

desire. Back you shall not to the house, unless you undertake

that
²²⁶
with me which with as much safety you might answer

him: therefore, on, or strip your sword stark naked, for

meddle
you must, that’s certain, or
forswear to wear iron
²²⁸

about you.

VIOLA
    This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you do me

this courteous
office
, as to
know of
²³¹
the knight what my

offence to him is. It is something of my negligence, nothing

of my purpose.

SIR TOBY
    I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this

gentleman till my return.

VIOLA
    Pray you, sir, do you know of this matter?

FABIAN
    I know the knight is incensed against you, even to a

mortal arbitrement
²³⁸
, but nothing of the circumstance more.

VIOLA
    I beseech you what manner of man is he?

FABIAN
    
Nothing of that wonderful promise
, to
read
²⁴⁰
him by

his
form
, as you are
like
²⁴¹
to find him in the proof of his valour.

He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful, bloody and fatal opposite

that you could possibly have found in any part of Illyria. Will

you walk towards him? I will make your peace with him if I

can.

VIOLA
    I shall be much bound to you for’t: I am one that

had rather go with sir priest than sir knight. I care not who

knows so much of my
mettle.
²⁴⁸

SIR TOBY
    Why, man, he’s a very devil. I have not seen such a

firago.
I had a
pass
²⁵⁰
with him, rapier, scabbard and all, and he

gives me the
stuck in
with such a
mortal
motion
²⁵¹
that it is

inevitable.
And on the
answer
, he
pays you
²⁵²
as surely as your

feet hits the ground they step on. They say he has been

fencer
to
the
Sophy.
²⁵⁴

SIR ANDREW
    
Pox
²⁵⁵
on’t, I’ll not meddle with him.

SIR TOBY
    Ay, but he will not now be pacified. Fabian can

scarce
hold
²⁵⁷
him yonder.

SIR ANDREW
    Plague on’t, an I thought he had been valiant and

so
cunning
in
fence
, I’d have seen him damned
ere
²⁵⁹
I’d have

challenged him. Let him let the matter slip, and I’ll give him

my horse, grey Capilet.

SIR TOBY
    I’ll make the
motion.
²⁶²
Stand here, make a good show on’t.—

This shall end without the
perdition
of souls.
²⁶³

Marry, I’ll
ride
²⁶⁴
your horse as well as I ride you.

I have his horse to
take up
²⁶⁵
the quarrel. I have

persuaded him the youth’s a devil.

FABIAN
    He is as
horribly conceited
²⁶⁷
of him, and pants and

looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.