Twilight 2 - New Moon (38 page)

I slumped against the counter and buried my face in my hands. How had I made such a mess of everything? But what could I have done differently? Even in hindsight, I couldn't think of any better way, any perfect course of action.

"Bella… ?" Jacob asked in a troubled voice.

I pulled my face out of my hands to see Jacob hesitating in the kitchen doorway; he hadn't left when I'd thought. It was only when I saw the clear drops sparkling in my hands that I realized I was crying.

Jacob's calm expression was gone; his face was anxious and unsure. He walked quickly back to stand in front of me, ducking his head so that his eyes were closer to being on the same level with mine.

"Did it again, didn't I?" "Did what?" I asked, my voice cracking. "Broke my promise. Sorry." "'S'okay," I mumbled. "I started it this time."

His face twisted. "I knew how you felt about them. It shouldn't have taken me by surprise like that."

I could see the revulsion in his eyes. I wanted to explain to him what Alice was really like, to defend her against the judgments he'd made, but something warned me that now was not the time.

So I just said, "Sorry," again. "Let's not worry about it, okay? She's just visiting, right? She'll leave, and things will go back to normal."
"Can't I be friends with you both at the same time?" I asked, my voice not hiding an ounce of the hurt I felt.
He shook his head slowly. "No, I don't think you can." I sniffed and stared at his big feet. "But you'll wait, right? You'll still be my friend, even though I love Alice, too?"
I didn't look up, afraid to see what he'd think of that last part. It took him a minute to answer, so I was probably right not to look.

"Yeah, I'll always be your friend," he said gruffly. "No matter what you love." "Promise?"
"Promise."
I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. "This sucks." "Yeah." Then he sniffed my hair and said, "Ew."

"
What
?" I demanded. I looked up to see that his nose was wrinkled again. "Why does everyone keep doing that to me? I don't smell!"

He smiled a little. "Yes, you do–you smell like
them
. Blech. Too sweet–sickly sweet. And… icy. It burns my nose."
"Really?" That was strange. Alice smelled unbelievably wonderful. To a human, anyway. "But why would Alice think I smelled, too, then?"

That wiped his smile away. "Huh. Maybe I don't smell so good to her, either. Huh."

"Well, you both smell fine to me." I rested my head against him again. I was
going
to miss him terribly when he walked out my door. It was a nasty catch-22–on the one hand, I wanted Alice to stay forever. I was going to die–metaphorically–when she left me. But how was I supposed to go without seeing Jake for any length of time?
What a mess
, I thought again.

"I'll miss you," Jacob whispered, echoing my thoughts. "Every minute. I hope she leaves soon."
"It really doesn't have to be that way, Jake."

He sighed. "Yes, it really does. Bella. You… love her. So I'd better not get anywhere near her. I'm not sure that I'm even-tempered enough to handle that. Sam would be mad if I broke the treaty, and"–his voice turned sarcastic–"you probably wouldn't like it too much if I killed your friend."

I recoiled from him when he said that, but he only tightened his arms, refusing to let me escape. "There's no point in avoiding the truth. That's the way things are, Bells." "I do
not
like the way things are."
Jacob freed one arm so that he could cup his big brown hand under my chin and make me look at him. "Yeah. It was easier when we were both human, wasn't it?"
I sighed.

We stared at each other for a long moment. His hand smoldered against my skin. In my face, I knew there was nothing but wistful sadness–I didn't want to have to say goodbye now, no matter for how short a time. At first his face reflected mine, but then, as neither of us looked away, his expression changed.

He released me, lifting his other hand to brush his fingertips along my cheek, trailing them down to my jaw. I could feel his fingers tremble–not with anger this time. He pressed his palm against my cheek, so that my face was trapped between his burning hands.

"Bella," he whispered.
I was frozen.

No! I hadn't made this decision yet. I didn't know if I could do this, and now I was out of time to think. But I would have been a fool if I thought rejecting him now would have no consequences.
I stared back at him. He was not
my
Jacob, but he could be. His face was familiar and beloved. In so many real ways, I did love him. He was my comfort, my safe harbor. Right now, I could choose to have him belong to me.

Alice was back for the moment, but that changed nothing. True love was forever lost. The prince was never coming back to kiss me awake from my enchanted sleep. I was not a princess, after all. So what was the fairy-tale protocol for
other
kisses? The mundane kind that didn't break any spells?

Maybe it would be easy–like holding his hand or having his arms around me. Maybe it would feel nice. Maybe it wouldn't feel like a betrayal. Besides, who was I betraying, anyway? Just myself.

Keeping his eyes on mine, Jacob began to bend his face toward me. And I was still absolutely undecided.

The shrill ring of the phone made us both jump, but it did not break his focus. He took his hand from under my chin and reached over me to grab the receiver, but still held my face securely with the hand against my cheek. His dark eyes did not free mine. I was too muddled to react, even to take advantage of the distraction.

"Swan residence," Jacob said, his husky voice low and intense.

Someone answered, and Jacob altered in an instant. He straightened up, and his hand dropped from my face. His eyes went flat, his face blank, and I would have bet the measly remainder of my college f and that it was Alice.

I recovered myself and held out my hand for the phone. Jacob ignored me.
"He's not here," Jacob said, and the words were menacing.

There was some very short reply, a request for more information it seemed, because he added unwillingly, "He's at the funeral."
Then Jacob hung up the phone. "Filthy bloodsucker," he muttered under his breath. The face he turned back to me was the bitter mask again.

"Who did you just hang up on?" I gasped, infuriated. "In
my
house, and on
my
phone?" "Easy! He hung up on me!"
"He? Who was it?!"
He sneered the title. "
Dr
. Carlisle Cullen."
"Why didn't you let me talk to him?!"

"He didn't ask for you," Jacob said coldly. His face was smooth, expressionless, but his hands shook. "He asked where Charlie was and I told him. I don't think I broke any rules of etiquette."

"You listen to me, Jacob Black–"

But he obviously wasn't listening. He looked quickly over his shoulder, as if someone had called his name from the other room. His eyes went wide and his body stiff, then he started trembling. I listened too, automatically, but heard nothing.

"Bye, Bells," he spit out, and wheeled toward the front door.
I ran after him. "What is it?"

And then I ran into him, as he rocked back on his heels, cussing under his breath. He spun around again, knocking me sideways. I bobbled and fell to the floor, my legs tangled with his.

"Shoot, ow!" I protested as he hurriedly jerked his legs free one at a time.
I struggled to pull myself up as he darted for the back door; he suddenly froze again. Alice stood motionless at the foot of the stairs.
"Bella," she choked.

I scrambled to my feet and lurched to her side. Her eyes were dazed and far away, her face drawn and whiter than bone. Her slim body trembled to an inner turmoil.

"Alice, what's wrong?" I cried. I put my hands on her face, trying to calm her. Her eyes focused on mine abruptly, wide with pain.
"Edward," was all she whispered.

My body reacted faster than my mind was able to catch up with the implications of her reply. I didn't at first understand why the room was spinning or where the hollow roar in my ears was coming from. My mind labored, unable to make sense of Alice's bleak face and how it could possibly relate to Edward, while my body was already swaying, seeking the relief of unconsciousness before the reality could hit me.

The stairway tilted at the oddest angle.
Jacob's furious voice was suddenly in my ear, hissing out a stream of profanities. I felt a vague disapproval. His new friends were clearly a bad influence.
I was on the couch without understanding how I got there, and Jacob was still swearing. It felt like there was an earthquake–the couch was shaking under me.

"What did you do to her?" he demanded. Alice ignored him. "Bella? Bella, snap out of it. We have to hurry." "Stay back," Jacob warned. "Calm down, Jacob Black," Alice ordered. "You don't want to do that so close to her."

"I don't think I'll have any problem keeping my focus," he retorted, but his voice sounded a little cooler.

"Alice?" My voice was weak. "What happened?" I asked, even though I didn't want to hear. "I don't know," she suddenly wailed. "What is he thinking?!"

I labored to pull myself up despite the dizziness. I realized it was Jacob's arm I was gripping for balance. He was the one shaking, not the couch.
Alice was pulling a small silver phone from her bag when my eyes relocated her. Her fingers dialed the numbers so fast they were a blur.
"Rose, I need to talk to Carlisle
now
." Her voice whipped through the words. "Fine, as soon as he's back. No, I'll be on a plane. Look, have you heard anything from Edward?" Alice paused now, listening with an expression that grew more appalled every second. Her mouth opened into a little O of horror, and the phone shook in her hand.

"Why?" she gasped. "
Why
would you do that, Rosalie?" Whatever the answer was, it made her jaw tighten in anger. Her eyes flashed and narrowed.

"Well, you're wrong on both counts, though, Rosalie, so that would be a problem, don't you think?" she asked acidly. "Yes, that's right. She's absolutely fine–I was wrong… It's a long story… But you're wrong about that part, too, that's why I'm calling… Yes, that's exactly what I saw."

Alice's voice was very hard and her lips were pulled back from her teeth. "It's a bit late for that, Rose. Save your remorse for someone who believes it." Alice snapped the phone shut with a sharp twist of her fingers.

Her eyes were tortured as she turned to face me.

"Alice," I blurted out quickly. I couldn't let her speak yet. I needed a few more seconds before she spoke and her words destroyed what was left of my life. "Alice, Carlisle is back, though. He called just before…"

She stared at me blankly. "How long ago?" she asked in a hollow voice. "Half a minute before you showed up." "What did he say?" She really focused now, waiting for my answer. "I didn't talk to him." My eyes flickered to Jacob.

Alice turned her penetrating gaze on him. He flinched, but held his place next to me. He sit awkwardly, almost as if he were trying to shield me with his body.

"He asked for Charlie, and I told him Charlie wasn't here," Jacob muttered resentfully. "Is that everything?" Alice demanded, her voice like ice.

"Then he hung up on me," Jacob spit back. A tremor rolled down his spine, shaking me with it.

"You told him Charlie was at the funeral," I reminded him.
Alice jerked her head back toward me "What were his exact words?"

"He said, 'He's not here,' and when Carlisle asked where Charlie was, Jacob said, 'At the funeral.'"

Alice moaned and sank to her knees.
"Tell me Alice," I whispered.
"That wasn't Carlisle on the phone," she said hopelessly.
"Are you calling me a liar?" Jacob snarled from beside me.
Alice ignored him, focusing on my bewildered face.
"It was Edward." The words were just a choked whisper. "He thinks you're dead."

My mind started to work again. These words weren't the ones I'd been afraid of, and the relief cleared my head.

"Rosalie told him I killed myself, didn't she?" I said, sighing as I relaxed.
"Yes," Alice admitted, her eyes flashing hard again.

"In her defense, she did believe it. They rely on my sight far too much for something that works so imperfectly. But for her to track him down to tell him this! Didn't she realize… or care… ?" Her voice faded away in horror.

"And when Edward called here, he thought Jacob meant
my
funeral," I realized. It stung to know how close I'd been, just inches away from his voice. My nails dug into Jacob's arm, but he didn't flinch. Alice looked at me strangely. "You're not upset," she whispered.

"Well, it's really rotten timing, but it will all get straightened out. The next time he calls, someone will tell him… what… really…" I trailed off. Her gaze strangled the words in my throat.

Why was she so panicked? Why was her face twisting now with pity and horror? What was it she had said to Rosalie on the phone just now? Something about what she'd seen… and Rosalie's remorse; Rosalie would never feel remorse for anything that happened to me. But if she'd hurt her family, hurt her brother…

"Bella," Alice whispered. "Edward won't call again. He believed her." "I. Don't. Understand." My mouth framed each word in silence. I couldn't push the air out to actually say the words that would make her explain what that meant.

"He's going to Italy." It took the length of one heartbeat for me to comprehend.

When Edward's voice came back to me now, it was not the perfect imitation of my delusions. It was just the weak, flat tone of my memories. But the words alone were enough to shred through my chest and leave it gaping open. Words from a time when I would have bet everything that I owned or could borrow on that fact that he loved me.

Well, I wasn't going to live without you
, he'd said as we watched Romeo and Juliet die, here in this very room.
But I wasn't sure how to do it… I knew Emmett and Jasper would never help… so I was thinking maybe I would go to Italy and do something to provoke the Volturi… You don't irritate them. Not unless you want to die
.