Two Captains, One Chair: An Alaskan Romantic Comedy (16 page)

“My orgasm took me by surprise,” Helly said.  “It was instantaneous.  His mouth touched me, and my body exploded into ecstasy.  It hit me like wildfire, or a rampage of rhinos.  His hands tightened on me and he groaned…”

We all waited, breathless.

“Well?” Maria asked.  “What happened next?”

Helly gave a little shrug.  “That’s all I have written so far.”

My mouth fell open. Dotty was the first to react, throwing her dildo at her.

Helly laughed, swatting it out of the air.  “If you want the rest,” she teased, “you’ll have to buy the story.”

“Boo!”  Another dildo, this one courtesy of Maria.  Our Passion Party virgin was catching on fast.

Helly cackled as she dodged the flying projectile, then grinned.  “Any requests for next time?” she asked.

“The rest of the story,” I said.  We’d been shafted, for sure.

“A centaur!” Dotty called.

Annie choked on her wine, and I grinned as I looked over at Helly.

She tilted her head.  “A minotaur might be a bit easier,” she suggested.  “More… anatomically compatible.”

“A centaur,” Dotty insisted.

Helly hesitated, but then her mouth got a naughty curl.  “I’ll see what I can do.”

Dotty clapped with excitement.  Then, with a quickness that confused me, she pointed a butt plug at me.  “So, Suzy,” she said, her sharp blue eyes getting a glint that I didn’t like at all.  “What’s going on between you and Ed?”

I suddenly had the attention of seven sex-toy-bearing women, and I wanted to squirm.  I loved to gossip, but not when it was pointed at me.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I demurred.

“You’ve been asking questions,” said Dotty.

I started to shake my head, but then gave in to her incredulous stare.  “I was just curious,” I said defensively.  “I realized I didn’t know anything about him.”

“You’ve been hanging out with him a lot lately,” Annie said.

“What are you talking about?  We haven’t been hanging out.”

“Well, there was the barge trip the other day,” she said.

“And I saw you outside his place Thursday,” Maria volunteered.

Lane snorted.  “She was late to the party because she was at his place.”

Everyone gasped and looked to me for confirmation.

“He was just helping me,” I insisted.

Annie snorted.  “‘Helping you’.  Is that what you call it?”

“Why so many questions about Ed?” Dotty asked, giving me her wise stare.

Oh, shit.  I couldn’t lie under that stare.  She was still looking at me.  They were all looking at me. 
Oh, what the heck?
  I seriously doubted at this point that I’d be getting my gold nugget back, and what would it matter if they knew?  They apparently had their fingers on the pulse of the neighborhood; maybe they’d have a clue…

“My gold nugget went missing,” I said.  “The day of my parents’ party, I discovered it was gone.  I think somebody stole it.”

“And you thought it was
Ed
?”  Maria asked.

“Ed’s a good boy.  He wouldn’t have done that,” Dotty said.

“I know,” I said.  “I just confronted him about it today, and he denied everything.”

“It’s more than that, though,” Dotty said.  “You like him.”

Helly was staring at me open-mouthed.

Nan nodded.  “And he likes her.”

“Hey, just because he saved me the other day—”

“He saved you?” Maria asked.

I sighed.  “It’s how I got this,” I said, pointing to the Band-Aid on my forehead, which they’d all been too polite—or too distracted—to mention.  I told them how I’d fainted, fallen in the river, and Ed had scooped me out.  “But anyone would have done the same,” I insisted.

“No,” said Nan.  “I saw how he was looking at you.  He was really worried.”

Ugh, dammit.
  And then I’d gone and accused him of having stolen my gold nugget.

Helly was still looking at me, and my heart was beating fast, dreading her question.  I knew if she asked me, I couldn’t lie…

“Suzy,” she said.  “Do you like Ed?”  Then she pinned me with those big blue eyes.

The truth fairly burst out:  “Yes, dammit.  I like him.  I like how shy he is, and how kind, and how he kisses, and those crazy sculptures he makes.  Underneath all that hair and his overabundance of clothes, I think he’s hot, and I want to do unspeakable things to his body!  Hell, you know what?” I said, really getting into it now. “I even like his beard!”

Dotty laughed and clapped her hands, and everybody else was in between shock and laughter as well.

“I love a man with a beard,” Annie said.

“You love a man any way you can get him,” Nan pointed out.

“True,” Annie agreed.  She pointed the big black dong toward my dining room window.  “Who are those two?” she asked.

Huh?
  I looked where she was pointing and realized it was Helly’s brothers, peering in through the window.  Helly and I groaned simultaneously.

“Helly’s brothers,” I said.  And then I had a thought.  “Hey, gimme the strap-on.  I want to mess with them a little.”  Maria tossed it to me.  “Are they still looking?” I asked.

“Yep,” said Helly.

I stood up, and, making sure they had the side view, I strapped it on over my clothes.  Then I stood proud, shoulders thrown back, rubber cock sticking out from my pelvis. I hoped it scared the hell out of the two heterosexual troublemakers peeping in through my window.

“It looks good on you,” Dotty offered.

Maybe the brothers agreed.  They looked like they were talking out there, but they hadn’t run away like I wanted them to.  With a sigh, I sat back down, ignoring the dildo now sticking up from my lap.

“I can get rid of them,” Helly said, and started to stand.

“Wait!”  Annie threw out a hand to stop her.  Her eyes squinted in thought as she looked back and forth between Helly and me.  “How much for a night with them?” she asked.

I decided just to call her bluff.  “Twenty bucks,” I said, picking a number at random.

She stood up, dug around in her pocket, and tossed me a bill.  Then she started for the door.

I stared after her. 
Seriously
?

“Annie!” Helly called, and I thought,
Yes, she’s going to put a stop to this madness!
But instead, Helly just threw her a strip of condoms.  “Use protection.”

Annie saluted her with a grin, and then slammed through my screen door.  A couple seconds later, the brothers disappeared from the window.

I was still staring, still shocked.  Maria was in a similar state, while Dotty pawed through the sex toys with glee.

“You’re all right with it, aren’t you?” Helly asked.  “I can go stop them if you really object.”

“I’m just stunned, that’s all,” I said.  “Stunned that you had that many condoms on you—”

She had the decency to look embarrassed.

“—and do you think they’re really gonna go through with it?  Have sex with someone they just met?”  It was a completely foreign concept for me.  Well… mostly.

Nan scoffed.  “They’re men.”

“I agree,” Dotty said, her voice cheery.  “And have you seen the knockers on her?  They’ll be begging her for it.”

I was still stunned by what she’d just said, when that sweet seventy-something pinned me with her stare.  “So.  Suzy.  What are
you
going to do about Ed?”

Just like that, they all swung back to look at me.  “I don’t know!” I said.  “It’s complicated.”

“No it’s not,” Maria argued.  “Annie just proved that.”

“Annie’s got jugs the size of my head!” I yelled.

“Oh, pshaw,” said Dotty.  “You’re ten times prettier than her.  You’re young and slender, you look innocent, and you’re little.  Men love little women.  They like to imagine the sexual positions they could—”

“Ack!”  I held up both hands to forestall her.  “I don’t wanna hear it.  I’m
tired
of hearing it.  What the heck ever happened to good old missionary?” I demanded.

“Says the woman who pimps sex toys,” Helly muttered.

I reached over and slapped her shoulder. 
Bad friend!

“Missionary’s overrated,” Dotty said.  “You get a much deeper penetration with doggie style.”

“In woman-on-top, you can go at your speed, and his hands are free to play with your breasts,” Shelly chimed in.

“And in wheelbarrow—” Helly started.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” I said.  “I don’t need a primer on how to have sex.  I’m sure we’ll figure out a position that pleases us both—
if
we ever get together!  I just accused him of stealing my gold nugget, made out with him, and then ran off!  He probably doesn’t even want to see me again, ever.”

“You made out?” Helly asked.  “With
Ed
?”

“I did!” I declared, feeling defensive.  “And it was good!”

“Damn good?” she checked.

I shot to my feet, and my rubber penis bobbed as I gesticulated.  “It was
fantastic
, dammit!”  I’d gotten all worked up, and my chest heaved with my breaths.

“You know… you could go splash water on him.”

I barked a startled laugh.

“Seriously,” Helly said.  “Make like Annie.  Just go over there—bring condoms,” she said, handing me another strip, “and jump him.”

“It’s not that simple,” I protested.  He kept pulling away!

“It
is
!” they insisted in chorus.

I threw up my hands and headed toward the kitchen to get a stiffer drink.

“You know, I’ve heard the shy ones are absolutely nasty in bed,” Nan said.

“I think Ed might be a virgin,” I practically yelled, spinning around.  “I wouldn’t know what to do with a virgin, where to begin.”

Poker-faced, Helly held up one hand, forming an ‘o’ with her thumb and pointer finger, and then stuck the finger of her other hand through it.  And then pulled it out, and stuck it back in.

“Yes, we’ve been over this,” I growled.  “And if you don’t knock it off,” I said to Helly as she continued her obscene finger puppetry, “I’m going to take this strap-on off, come over there, and I’m going to beat you with it.”

She quit.

To the rest, I said, “I totally get the mechanics.  What I mean is, I doubt very seriously he’s going to react the same as an experienced man if some woman comes up and propositions him.”

“But you’re not ‘some woman’,” Dotty pointed out.  “You’re sweet, cute, somewhat bossy Suzy.”

I put my hands on my hips, and glared at them.

That’s when my screen door squeaked open, and Ed stepped into my doorway.  “There are people having sex on your lawn,” he said.  His voice trailed off as he caught sight of me.

Oh, shit, he was staring at my dick.

“Ed, it’s not what it looks like,” I said.

Ed’s widening eyes swept from me, to the ladies with their table full of sex toys.  Dotty waved that butt plug at him.  “Hey, Ed,” she greeted.

“Hey,” he said.  Then he turned around and practically ran out the door.

“Shit.”  I fumbled with the straps holding the dildo to my pelvis, and yanked it off in record time.  Tossing it to a startled Helly, I ran for the door.  “Ed, wait!” I called.

He was already halfway to his boat, and he’d been right—there were people having sex on my lawn.  I got momentarily sidetracked by a set of flexing, well-muscled buns.

My goat charged past me, reclaiming my attention.

“Shit.  Ed!  Watch out!”  I hustled after him, seeing the oncoming collision, already knowing I was too late.

Mimi hit him in the back going full-speed, knocking him to the ground.  Then, before my disbelieving eyes, she started to hump him.

That’s right.  My goat.  My female goat.  Was humping Ed.  Before
I
ever even got a chance to.

He was making noises, writhing around on the ground, and when I got closer, I realized a couple of things.  One: She had her tongue in his ear, and Two: He was laughing.  His chortles turned into full-belly, uncontrollable laughter.  He was pushing at her, sort of trying to get away, but not being very successful.

“Shoo!” I said, pushing her off him.  She tried to come right back, obviously not having finished, and I gave her a warning look.  She bleated at me, staring me down for a long moment with her flat, sideways-slitted gaze.  Then she turned around and took off back up the trail.

Still laughing, Ed rolled to lie flat on his back.  His front was dirty, especially his knees.

But I bet his ear is clean.

I stood over him.  “I’m so sorry,” I said.  “So, so sorry.”  He probably thought I operated a madhouse.  Threesomes on my lawn.  Strap-ons and old ladies with butt plugs.  Randy attack goats.  If I was completely honest with myself, it was looking really frickin’ bad.