UNBREATHABLE (34 page)

Through it, I see Eli's house, and beyond it, the remains of the palace. And slowly, I see all of White Plains, the land my mother once ruled. I see dead bodies, so many, countless bodies. Jutaire will be a world of red death. No one alive exists there anymore. At least, that is what I hope.

All this destruction. So much ruin. For a ship. For a planet that was said to be destroyed long ago.

I wonder if Rowan is alive. If he’s looking at the people he killed, or if he’s lying with them. My vision blurs.

“Funny, isn't it?” Julian asks.

“What?” My voice is raw. There’s nothing funny about death.

“How much you miss something once it's gone,” he says softly. I nod, my throat suddenly choked. Tears stream down my face, there’s no use holding them back. I held them back for so long. Not anymore.

Gage. Chancellor Kole, Abel. Wren. Even my mother. They’re all gone. And Rowan?

“Hush, Lissa,” he whispers, wiping my face. He pulls me against the warmth of his chest. “Don’t cry.”

“What happened to Mia?” I ask.

“She’s in the infirmary.”

He puts a finger on my lips before I can ask anymore, and pulls me through a short, dimly lit corridor. It opens to a larger room. The cockpit, I think. The wall ahead of me is covered in glass, stretching from left to right, about twenty feet long. I see the sky, blue and red and white. And Eli, with three soldiers. He flicks switches and orders them to do various things. He monitors the screens lining a part of the wall.

“Dad,” Julian says. Eli turns with a start.

When he sees me, he smiles and speaks to the shadows to his right. “She’s here.”

A limping figure steps forward. His pale gray eyes are creased in pain and his left shoulder is bandaged from the arm to his chest. His right leg is bandaged too. Something slips from my lips, a sound between a cry and a laugh. I rush forward and wrap my arms around him.

“Ow,” he laughs softly. I pull back and look into his gray eyes.

“You’re alive,” I whisper. He smiles.

“I’ve wanted you for seventeen years. I don’t plan on going anywhere anytime soon.”

“Don’t ever leave me, Father,” I say. His eyes brighten. Father. He isn’t Slate anymore, no. He’s my father.

“I won’t,” he whispers, touching his nose to mine. “I won’t.”

Through the corner of my eyes, I catch Julian smiling. And Eli. Even the soldiers watch.

“Gage never thought this would happen,” Slate says finally.

“He did. He’s the one who taught me to hope,” I say, pulling away.

He nods. “He taught you, but he never hoped himself. That was his flaw—he calculated and planned too much to leave anything to hope.”

And in the end, it cost him his life. A pang of sadness deepens in the bottom of my heart. There is so much I don't know about him—about his part in everything, from my birth to his friendship with Eli.

But something still bothers me. “Gage knew Earth was real and he was preparing to trade me in exchange for passage to Earth. So why did he break into the Chamber?”

“I never got to ask, but maybe he wanted to set everything in motion. Maybe he wasn’t ready to give you up,” Slate says. I feel a rush of sorrow again.

“There's no point dwelling on the past,” Julian says softly.

“He's right. We have a future to look forward to.” Slate says with a wan smile.

An unknown future. It could be good, it could be bad. Is that any better than the future we once knew?

“Let me show you around,” Julian says, slipping his hand over mine. The warmth of his touch reaches for my heart. Slate watches me thoughtfully before gesturing for me to leave.

The ship is gigantic. There are more rooms than I can imagine. Three thousand or so humans made it, and a little more than eight thousand Jute, some of them Rowan’s men.

There’s a greenhouse too, with crops and preserved food. A pool of shimmering water spreads beside it. There are storages stocked with clothes, more food, and other essentials.

My mother was well-prepared. I feel sorry then, guilty even. We nearly stole something from the Jute. Their ship. Their freedom. They aren't much different from us, I’ve learned.

Which reminds me. I need to ask Eli about what he nearly said before. About the Lost Colony.

“There's one more room I want to show you,” Julian says, breaking through my thoughts. He opens a door beneath the shadows of the stairwell leading to the next floor, right beside the entrance to the ship.

The smell hits me first, musty and old. I scan the large room. Shelves line the walls. Shelves stocked with books.

“There’s so many,” I whisper. There are four chairs in the center of the room. Along one shelf is a desk and along another is a long sofa to seat three.

“There are countless books about Earth and its history. You can learn everything before we get there.”

I stop short, my finger lingering on a fraying spine. How did the Queen store all of this for so long? “
We
can learn. How long will it take to get there?”

“I don't know,” he says warily. “They're still sorting it out.”

“Something's wrong,” I say softly, crossing the room back to him. He touches my cheek with one blazing hot hand. I jerk away.

That’s when I see. His pupils are constricted. His eyes are wild. A fine sheen of sweat layers his skin. His ragged breathing bursts into my ears.

“Julian,” I whisper. My voice rises hysterically. “What's wrong?”

A deep laugh answers my question. I freeze, because I never thought I would hear that sound again.

Rowan strolls in through another door.

“All you ever wanted was Earth. And look, now you're getting it. But did you think of the cost? Did you ever think of anyone but yourself?”

What does he know of pain and costs? His words only worsen my confusion.

“Silly girl, Julian's a half-breed. Not a hybrid like you. His lungs need the air of Jutaire more than oxygen. The only difference between him and a Jute is that he'll last longer.”

No. It can’t be. I couldn’t have nearly bled for every human and Jute alive and left Julian to die.

How could I forget him?

“But Eli's a hybrid.” I am trying to grasp something, anything.

“He's Jute,” Julian says softly. “Gage tested your blood on him years ago.”

Words, truths, realizations—a vise tightens around my heart. No. No. No. I can't lose him.

“There has to be a way,” I whisper.

“There isn't.” Rowan answers. But I don't look at him. I look at Julian and see the same look that flashed in his eyes when I first told him about Earth.

He hasn't given up. There has to be a way. I’ve only ever had Julian. Ever since the beginning, I’ve had him.

“My blood—”

Rowan cuts me off. “You need the catalyst.”

“What is it?” I ask, desperation tinges my voice. I don’t care.

Rowan. Just. Laughs.

“There isn't much different about you and me, Lissa,” Rowan says. I meet his bloodshot eyes.

Rowan is right.

I’ve only thought of myself, not the consequences. I have lost too much. My eyes blur. But we
are
different. I will fight for those I love and those who deserve to be fought for. Rowan only cares for himself. No, Rowan cared for Julian’s mother, for Julian and Eli.

“Please,” I beg, searching his eyes for the part of him I saw last night.

He scoffs. “Remember what I told you?”

Run away, Lissa. Run away. But remember you’ll come back to me. You’ll need me. You’ll beg for me. And I’ll make sure you never leave me again. Not even Julian can help you then.

“Give me the catalyst,” I say, gritting my teeth.

He laughs again. Julian gasps for air and sinks to his knees. Something flickers in Rowan’s eyes.

“Help him,” I beg. “Show me you have a heart. Rowan,
please
.”

He furrows his brow when I say his name, when he hears my pleading. “And then what? You'll go back to him. If he dies, I'll have you all for myself.”

Rowan has a sick, sick mind.

“That's what this is all about? You knew all along that this would happen.”

He tilts his head. “Maybe.”

I stare at Julian’s colorless face. His eyes are glassy and his lips are slowly turning blue. Even the honey-brown floor looks more alive than he does.

You’re the one who sides with whichever side is more beneficial for your treacherous lips.

There isn't much different about you and me
, Lissa.

But we are different. Oh, we are.

“Give him the dose and I'll leave him.” The moment the words leave my lips, Rowan holds his breath. Julian shudders and pushes himself up on his weak hands and stares up at me, slowly shaking his head, a silent
no
slipping from his trembling mouth.

“You would do that so he can live?” Rowan asks. He sounds genuinely curious. A normal boy asking a normal question, trying to understand.

And I realize, I
do
love him. The part of him that is human. “But why? What good would it do if he’s alive and you can't be with him?”

That is what he'll never understand.

I squeeze my eyes shut for a moment, knowing my every breath takes Julian closer to his last.

“I was wrong,” I say, my voice soft. And as if he knows my words are for him, Julian stops heaving and looks at me with burning eyes. “I thought, if you loved someone, that you could never let them go. But I was wrong. If you truly loved someone, you would leave them if it meant their safety and happiness. Just so they could see another sunrise. Breathe another breath. Smile another smile, even if it's without you.”

I face Rowan in the silence of my words.

“Give him the catalyst and I'll be yours forever.”

Rowan stares at me and I stare back. At his blue eyes so much like Julian's, the sharpness of his cheekbones, the darkness of his hair, and the bow of his lips. He is Julian on the outside. He must be good inside, too. He
has
to be. Maybe Eli was right and I
can
help him.

Maybe I can get over my pain of leaving Julian.

Rowan reaches into his pocket and pulls out one vial, filled to the brim with my blood mixed with whatever the catalyst is. He tilts the small tube, his eyes following the bubble of air that slides back and forth.

“Forever,” he breathes.

“Lissa, no,” Julian croaks. I drop to my knees in front of him.

And when I meet his eyes, flickering in pain, it hits me again—Julian and Rowan can never be the same. Never. Fresh pain aches through me, trembling through my veins, my limbs, my heart.

“Don’t do this,” he whispers.

“Why didn’t you tell me,
ask
me?”

“I couldn’t. I couldn’t ask you to bleed for me.” I squeeze my eyes shut and open them.

I cup his freezing cheek in my palm. “I won’t watch you die.”

“You’re all I have, Lissa. I have nothing else to live for,” he says.

Rowan clears his throat. I stand as one of his men steps from the shadows. Disgust stirs through my stomach—we were being watched.

The man takes the vial and unscrews the lid. He tightens a needle at the end and stands still as Rowan stretches his hand out to me.

“Lissa,” Julian pleads. “Don’t.”

I reach out. My breath catches when Rowan’s hand closes around mine, enveloping me in his warmth. He pulls me close, something like pain flickering in his eyes. There is something human in him. It wants to live. But Rowan’s madness, his anger, and the pain of his parents’ rejection—they will kill him before then.

The man in black crouches beside Julian as I stare into Rowan’s eyes. Any moment now, the needle will pierce Julian’s skin. Any moment now, Rowan’s lips will touch mine and I’ll be his forever.

I will never go back on my promise. Even to someone like him.

“It’s done, sir,” the man says and Julian collapse. My eyes widen and Rowan’s hand tightens around mine.

“Take him to the infirmary,” Rowan says. I can feel the vibration of his voice through our clasped hands. The man throws Julian over his shoulder as if he weighs no more than a sack and disappears through the door.

“You’ll never love me, will you?” Rowan asks. His soft voice pierces my heart.

“I do love you,” I whisper, because it’s true. But not the way I love Julian.

“Not as much as you love him,” he says, mirroring my thoughts. He is close, so close, his breath mixes with mine. Minty. Free. He drops my hands, pain creasing the edges of his eyes. I stare at him, for a moment, because I don’t understand.

But then I do.

He’ll let me go.

“Thank you, Rowan,” I say. His eyes travel the length of my face, memorizing every inch of my expression. I offer him a small smile, the best I can muster and drop my hands by my sides. I take one step back, away from him.

“You were right,” he says. “You
can
let someone go.”

The door opens. Dena slowly looks between Rowan and me, her jet black eyes catching everything. Rowan raises my hand to his lips, holding my gaze. “Bye, Lissa.”

And I watch as he strolls out of the room, his long coat trailing behind him.

”What was
that
about?” She asks.