UNBREATHABLE (30 page)

“Where did you get those?”

I jump and drop my hands by my sides. Julian’s gaze follows my movement. A long coat, like the one he wore on the night of the ceremony hangs from his lean frame. The collar is raised to protect his mouth from dust.

“These?” I ask, raising my hands. He nods. “Eli gave them to me.”

Surprise flickers across his face, yet his expression still remains dark.

“He did,” he says to himself. He moves toward the mutant and climbs it in one swift movement, throwing a glance back at me. “Do you need help mounting?”

“I can manage,” I say. What happened?

My feet kick up dust as I move to the mutant waiting for me. It whinnies, the sound low and guttural. My throat constricts as I hook one leg in the loop and swing my leg over the other side.

How many times have I done this in my mind? How many times have I breathed over the words written in ink in those ancient books, wondering if I would ever ride an actual horse?

I splay my hands on the makeshift saddle for a moment, trying to ignore the sick feeling inside my stomach, rising up my throat. I grip the reins and raise my eyes. Julian watches. His eyes flicker from the gloves to my face again.

“They were my mother’s,” he says finally, turning his back to me. His voice is low again. It’s as if his voice moves on another frequency. Reaches into my veins instead of my ears.

I glance down at the gloves and I imagine the ghost of his mother’s fingers in them. Did she look as beautiful as Julian and Rowan? No, she couldn’t have looked like either of them – they don’t share the same mother.

“She hated the mutants too, and my dad made her those gloves. After she… after she died, he couldn’t part with them.”

I don’t say anything. I don’t know what to say when he speaks of things that pain him. I grip the reins as Julian turns back to me, but before he can speak, Eli bursts through the door.

A smear of blood taints his cheek. He’s breathless, his eyes wide. Julian curses and stumbles off the mutant, rushing to his father in heartbeats.

Eli sputters and coughs.

But he isn’t hurt, not physically. He meets my eyes.

“Mia.”

The weight of the stone around my neck threatens to pull me to the ground.

“No,” I whisper.

I tumble off the mutant, ignoring its panicked squeals. I pull the gloves from my hands and tuck them into the pocket of my tunic. My movements are jerky and slow at the same time, as if I’m moving too fast against heavy winds.

“Lissa, wait.” Julian tries to grab me. I duck and push past him and Eli into the dark house. There’s a pain in my chest that no amount of time can ever cure.

Mia. Carefree, bubbly, a beacon of light in our dark world.

Dead.

The house is dark and I don’t know where she is. Maybe she isn’t dead. Darkness edges into the corners of my vision, tightens around my mind, pulls me to the ground. My breathing is rough in the silence of death. Hands grab me from behind.

“Let me go,” I plead. My voice is harsh, hushed. Tight with tears.

“No, Lissa,” Julian says.

He pulls me harder, turns me to face him. I stare at him, at his eyes wavering in my tears. “She’s not dead.”

No.

No

no

“What?” I ask, breath held. She isn’t dead?

“She’s hurt very badly, but not dead. They’re not sure she’ll make it. They’re trying, but there’s a high likelihood of...” he trails off.

I feel as though someone has reached into my chest and twisted my heart. I gasp for air and sink down, down, to the ground. He drops to his knees in front of me.

“How?” I finally choke out.

“Someone found out. The Queen placed an order to kill her years ago, and one of the soldiers must have tried to follow through.”

My eyes widen. Someone who’s been searching for years just found out. And it can only be because I asked Eli to find her. To help me.

“I want to see her,” I say flatly.

“You can’t,” he says, shaking his head again.

I snort. “Why not? I’ve seen enough blood. Gage, Chancellor Kole, countless others. You.”

He flinches. “She was your servant. You knew her for less than a day. Why does she matter so much?” He asks harshly.

“I killed her.” The words spill in a venomous whisper.

“You did not. She’s still alive.” His jaw is clenched.

My nostrils flare. “She was hope. This world is so messed up and she-she would have turned it around. Have you ever seen her, Julian?”

He softens when I say his name. He’s keeping count, I realize. “Yes, I have. Do you know what she told me?”

I don’t answer. She can’t die. She can’t.

“She said she could never be queen. She wanted it this way. She said she wasn’t born to lead. Only some are. Like you.”

Didn’t she tell me as much? But that was before. Before my mother died. I stiffen. Before the
queen
died.

I am queen.

I break free from Julian’s grasp. Every vein in my body is numb with grief, cold with this new revelation. Eli paces outside, questioning the guard about medical methods. He held hope over Mia too. Too much hope. But I know he won’t sit still and wait, I know he’ll go there himself, wherever she is, and try to save her.

I pull the gloves over my hands and rush outside, flinging myself onto the mutant in one swift swing. Julian runs after me. I reach for the reins, ignore his frantic callings and spur the mutant into action.

I am queen.
Queen
.

And I will bleed for my people.

The mutant is very much like a horse. I can imagine it to be a horse, so long as I don’t look at it. I can feel the strength of its muscles working beneath my gloved hands, undulating in a never-ending loop. Bits and pieces fly beneath its tread on the brittle ground.

On either side of me, houses come and go. A Jute will peek out from a corner, sometimes, meeting my eyes for the barest of heartbeats before I rush past.

Sometimes a young girl wandering the streets will turn and look at me. Her green eyes will threaten to tear me apart.

I try not to think of Mia. But everywhere I look, I see her bright green eyes, her lively white skin, and her fiery red hair.

I lean forward, urging the mutant faster. Soon enough, the silence behind me is filled with the sounds of another mutant. I knew Julian would follow. I knew, yet here I am, trying to flee.

He’s my voice of reason.

“Lissa, wait!” Julian calls.

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to decide if it is better to ignore him. But I can never run away from him. I am not strong enough to leave him.

I stop and turn the mutant around, and his mutant stops too. He doesn’t come close enough for me to see the blue of his eyes. It’s almost as though he knows I can’t bear to have him any closer.

“Where are you going?” The pain in his voice cuts a gash in my heart.

“To the palace,” I say.

“But why? We’re supposed to go back to the Tower.”

I shake my head. Bite my lip. “You are. Not me.”

His eyes narrow. “Lissa—”

“I’m queen, Julian. Queen of the Jute. Mia, Ilen, Wren —there’s no difference between us and them. They deserve Earth as much as you and me, as much as every human alive. And together, man and Jute will be stronger than ever.”

The wind howls in answer to my words.

“You’ll bleed for them,” he says as slowly as it dawns.

“Yes,” I say without hesitance. “The palace is gone because of me. So many are dead because of me. I can’t turn away from that.”

“It’s not your fault, Lissa,” he urges quietly.

“It is.” I tug on the mutant’s reins. “Go back to the Tower, gather everyone, tell them to bring only what they need. Lead them east. The ship is somewhere there.”

“There are roughly ten thousand Jute, Lissa. Your blood in all of them will be your death.”

“Then that is what it will be,” I say, my voice is calm but my blood is roaring.

He stares at me, slowly clenching and unclenching his jaw. “I won't watch you die.”

“You won't. You will head east, remember?”

“Stop it,” he growls. “Stop acting so calm.”

He jumps down from the mutant in one angry leap and stalks toward me. My eyes widen at his anger, at his lack of control when he is the one always in control.

“And Rowan? What would you do if he got in your way? Tell me, Lissa.” He is close enough for me to see his eyes ablaze with fury. And barely concealed hurt.

“Rowan would be a fool to get in my way.”

He looks away for a moment and I consider leaving before he clears his mind and never lets me go. But his eyes focus on mine again. And he smiles then, a small, sad smile, filled with pride. The gash in my heart deepens.

“Slate was right. You
are
a warrior,” he says softly.

I look away.

“A warrior queen.”

He reaches for me, his long fingers curling. I stare at his hand one last time. I memorize the beauty of his face, the pain in his eyes.

And before the tips of his fingers can graze my leg, I turn, leaving him in a swirl of dust.

The caress of the wind and the mutant’s galloping hooves form a steady rhythm, easing my fears into one dull throb. Soon enough, I reach the soot-covered hill where my mother's palace once stood, a striking structure of white and gold.

Gone.

I swallow the lump that forms in my throat. There are more Jute here. They turn their grief-stricken faces to me as my mutant climbs the hill. I don't meet anyone's eyes long enough to know if they recognize me. The princess who is now queen.

But the closer I get to the top, the more I am recognized.

“Princess!” They cry. But the ground is a blur beneath me. Their shouts are a blurred cacophony vibrating through my bones. There isn’t time to stop.

The stench of burning is strong when I reach the top of the hill. I stop and leap down from the mutant, the charred remains of my mother’s palace behind me. There are Jute men and women, soldiers, nobles, others. A soldier steps forward from the frantic group, one I don’t recognize. He wears the same outfit every other Jute soldier wears—a uniform of the palest gold, nearly brown, with white adornments on his shoulders, and the white, ten-pointed star on his shirt-pocket.

“Princess,” he says in a gravelly voice, bowing low. I meet his light brown eyes when he stands.

“Where’s Rowan?” I ask. I sound like my mother. He swallows.

“My men caught sight of him heading west with his group.” West from here, east from human territory. Towards the ship. Maybe Eli was wrong and Rowan
won’t
come for me.

And if Rowan doesn’t come for me, there’s less time to do what I have to do. Less time before the ship leaves Jutaire.

But there’s still a chance. If Julian gathers the humans and heads east soon, he’ll be able to cross paths with Rowan.

“Is the lab still intact?” I ask.

But before he can speak, another man interrupts.

“Your Majesty, if I may,” he says, his voice surprisingly calm. I take in his dark skin and dark clothes, warm eyes. He’s the man who held the crown on the night of my ceremony. The same man who stood beside the Queen when I called her mother.

“The Queen is dead.”

“The Queen never dies,” I say.

“You are right,” he says, inclining his head in apology. “Queen Rhea has passed and Mia Leen is alive, but incapable. You, princess, are now the rightful queen.”

I clasp my hands together.

“The palace is gone, but our first queen was crowned on this hill. If you approve, I will have the crown brought here. We will call forth every Jute to witness.”

“Is that what you suggest?” I ask. Strangely, I trust this man with lulling words.

“Yes,” he says.

“Then that’s what we’ll do,” I say.

“As you wish, my queen.” He bows low. When he stands, a warm smile stretches across his face.

But all I feel is dread.

Not all of the palace is gone. Entire rooms still stand eerily intact, as though their will to stand was stronger than the fire.

The dark-skinned man’s name is Reed, the Queen’s assistant and advisor when Rowan proved too young to understand. He leads me to one of the rooms and insists that I change into a gown but I refuse. I would rather look like Julian’s last words than a girl in a dress.