Unbroken (26 page)

Twenty-One

It turned out that not jumping with mad glee and accepting
a man's marriage proposal killed your sex life. Who knew?

Now Amber knew.

But then, it wasn't like she was in the mood to jump on Cade's body either. She was pregnant, and freaked out, and confused. So horny was currently way down on the list. Especially since she felt like butt most of the time.

Still, Cade ignoring her, and opting to sleep on that horrible mattress instead of by her side, was a little hard not to take personally.

As, I'm sure, is your not agreeing to marry him.

Fine, fine. That was valid.

She sighed and plopped onto the porch swing, her hands in her lap, her long skirt blowing in the breeze as she rocked back and forth, watching as the sun slipped behind the mountain and melted into a gilt edge that coated the treetops.

She had decisions to make. Decisions about work. About Cade. And she didn't know which ones to make.

If she said yes . . . well, if she said yes, she would have him. It would make her grandfather happy. It would make the town happy.

And it would make Cade . . . the most honorable bastard this side of the Willamette. So there were all the good things. Very, very good things.

Something in her chest hurt, like a piece of glass that had been stuck deep inside for a long time was starting to dislodge. She couldn't breathe past it. She could hardly think past it. She didn't know why all of this hurt so bad. Only that it did.

Only that she was more confused now than she'd ever been.

She thought she'd left that scared, sad little girl who didn't know what she wanted in life way back in high school. Had thought that by recognizing some of the stupid things she was doing to cope with her issues, and by changing her behavior, that she'd fixed all her crap.

Apparently, that wasn't true.

Apparently she'd just shoved all her crap into a little corner and covered it with a blanket. She'd done the internal equivalent of a half-assed cleaning job.

She put her fists up against her eyes and pressed hard, until she saw spots bursting into the black.

“What's up, babe?”

She looked up, the spots now superimposed over her very favorite cowboy. “I'm brooding.”

“I can see that, but about what specifically?”

She snorted. “The fact that, by tomorrow, the fields will be overrun by bison. Damn bison, Cade.”

Of course, the bison weren't the real issue. Or maybe they were. Bison all over the damn place. And once they moved in, getting them out wouldn't be easy. They would really just be here. Cade would really just be here.

Her grandfather's house would be his.

And then, she supposed, like her grandfather had done before Cade, she would be his responsibility, whether he wanted her to be or not.

She was like a bad penny to the people around here. Everyone cursed with too much decency couldn't seem to throw her back where she'd come from.

While plenty of other people seemed to see her for just what she was. Unnecessary, a little cheap and not your favorite thing to find in the bottom of your wallet.

Wow. She was full of happy thoughts today.

“It's exciting,” he said. “It's a new beginning.”

His words were laden with the kind of meaning she just could not handle right at the moment. Not even a little bit. She couldn't have a new beginning. Because for her, nothing about this was a new beginning.

And when she looked at Cade, she realized why.

Because Cade was the one person in her life who had stood with her because he wanted to. Because he'd chosen her as a friend.

She was an unwanted pregnancy that had developed into an unwanted child. Who had been passed off to foster home after foster home, people who'd had to take her because they'd signed up. Because they wanted to collect a check, or do good, or even make sure kids had someone to be with for a while. But never because they loved her.

Then she'd gone to her grandparents. Who had taken her in because what decent elderly couple wouldn't take in the abandoned, unwanted spawn of their neglectful son?

And as much as she loved them, and as much as they seemed to love her, she'd always felt . . . she'd always felt like they'd been obligated to.

And now Cade was obligated to take her. Because she was having his unintended baby. And the cycle continued.

The only person in her life who had always been with her because he wanted to be with her would now be forced to be with her for all eternity because of the baby.

And she was the baggage that came with it.

She pushed down the rising panic that was threatening to force its way into her throat and out her lips in the form of a hysterical scream.

This wasn't the time to freak out. She had to consider what the right decision was. She didn't need to give in to her hysteria. Not now.

“Yes,” she said finally. “A new . . . bisony beginning. I'm happy for you, Cade.”

“Well, there's still the matter of Davis, but at least this is coming together.”

“Are you going to contact the Rodeo Association about him?”

“I did,” Cade said.

“And?”

“They're looking into it. I think they're going to contact him first and just ask. Feels sort of wrong to do that to a guy who's probably your half brother.”

“Yeah, well . . . he basically injured you for life, and he knew you were his half brother when he did it. And it wasn't enough for him to wound you and end your career. So forgive me if I don't give a rat's ass about him being barred from competition. I'd be happy to see him serve jail time. Or perhaps spend some time in a stockade in the town square. We will have bison chips to fling at his head.”

“I like the way you think,” he said.

She leaned back in the porch swing, and the breeze caught her hair and sent it streaming across her face. She didn't bother to push it away.

“Yeah, well . . . I'm advocating flinging animal feces at someone you hate. So naturally, at the moment, you like the way I think.”

“I always like the way you think.”

“Do you?”

“Yeah. You buy booze when I'm sad, you tell crude jokes to make me laugh. You enjoy bacon and pancakes. What's not to like?”

She didn't know. And she didn't know why his comments were making her feel broody and irritated. Maybe because he was making her sound like a paragon. A bacon-imbibing paragon, sure. But he made her sound like she was someone he liked because she was easy to get along with. Someone who aided in the existence of other people, rather than having one of her own.

Which was silly, but for some reason, now that she'd had the thought, she couldn't shake it. No, Cade had never treated her like that during the course of their friendship, but that was different. That was as a friend.

He was talking about having her as a wife, a wife he wouldn't have chosen. He'd made it very clear, abundantly so, that he'd never intended to marry. That love and kids weren't for him. The only thing that had changed was that they were now having a baby.

He hadn't changed.

She hadn't changed.

Only the circumstances had. And she knew what living in that kind of situation was like. It meant squeezing yourself into the tightest, most unobtrusive little ball possible. It meant changing yourself so you weren't in anyone's way.

So that they wouldn't make you love them only to have them send you back. Only to have them decide that you weren't worth it.

Cade was the only person she'd never had to do that with. And if she had to push any more of herself down inside, if she had to transform to stay with him again . . . she was sure she would break. There was no more give left in her.

“Nothing,” she said, forcing a smile. “I'm eminently likable.”

“Damn straight. How are you feeling?”

“Fine,” she said, waving a hand and standing. She didn't want to talk about feeling sick. Because that was tied to the baby. Which was tied to the marriage proposal. And it was all wrapped up into a little package of things currently driving her insane.

“That's good.”

“Yeah. Just looking forward to those bison.”

“You are not.”

“Sure I am. It's not every day a woman's land is invaded by large ruminants.”

“I guess not.”

That shard of pure pain in her chest broke free entirely as she looked at Cade, standing there on the porch talking about his plans. Maybe it was just that very last piece of herself. The one she'd been holding back. The one that was holding her together.

The one that might destroy her to give away. But it might just be too late.

He was so beautiful, so perfect. So everything she'd ever wanted . . . but not like this.

Not when it would always be another case of charity. Another person taking care of Amber because they had to.

She couldn't marry him. She realized it right then.

She also realized she needed him now more than she ever had. Needed her friend and her lover. Needed Cade, and the position he filled in her life. A position no one else had ever had. He made her heart bleed, made it ache, made it sing. He lit her body on fire.

And he was just doing the right thing.

She wanted to scream down the walls of her grandparents' home. The one she'd never been brave enough to make a sound in.

She felt like everything, all her security, all her everything, was slipping away from her. And the only thing left to grab on to was Cade.

“Kiss me,” she said.

He didn't have to be asked twice.

He hauled her up against his hard body, his fingers laced through her hair, palms covering her cheeks as he kissed her deep and long, his tongue sliding against hers, his teeth grazing her lip.

He propelled them both into the house. She expected him to bend her over the couch. To push her against a wall, or onto the floor.

Instead, he pulled away from her and held on to her hand, leading her up the stairs. He had that strange, regretful look on his face. She knew he was wishing he could carry her. But it didn't matter. Not to her.

She squeezed his hand, her eyes never leaving his, her heart thundering in her ears.

There was no question—this
was
going to destroy her.

But maybe it would be worth it.

She pushed everything aside. Everything but this. Everything but Cade.

When they reached the bedroom, he kissed her again, deeper, longer, slower. It was easier when it was ravenous. When they were both starving for each other. Moving fast, moving hard.

This hurt. This slow, careful exploration. But she wanted to revel in it. Wanted to get lost in it. Because this was the end. She felt it down deep.

It's a new beginning . . .

But not for her.

For him.

She didn't even know what her beginning should be. Or if someone like her could have a new one. She'd been born with a slate that was already written on, or at least that's how it felt. Baggage from day one.

She didn't know what a fresh start felt like.

Cade stripped her top off, up over her head, his hands skimming over her curves as he unhooked her bra and cast it to the floor. He lowered his head and sucked her nipple deep into his mouth, making a raw, desperate sound in the back of his throat.

Maybe a fresh start felt something like this. Like being touched by Cade. Having her clothes taken off, the cool air on her skin, his tongue leaving a trail of fire over each exposed inch.

Sex with Cade was like nothing else on earth. It was more than sex. It was something she'd never had before. And this was something different than every time they'd shared before. This just might be making love.

And that scared her. But not enough for her to stop.

She tugged his shirt over his head, his skin still damp with sweat from the day spent working on the fences. He smelled like dirt, and hay. Like sun and hard labor. He smelled like Cade Mitchell, and he was better than cake or fresh-made cookies. Better than bacon.

She ran her hands over his chest, kissing his neck, desperate to touch all of him. To taste all of him. She undid his belt, his jeans, and shoved them down his muscular thighs, pushed his underwear down with them.

She dropped to her knees, pressing a kiss to his hard, flat stomach before moving lower, taking his length inside her mouth. He groaned and laced his fingers through her hair, holding her against him. She took him deeper, relishing the taste of him, the heat of him. The feel of him shaking as she pushed him closer to the edge.

“Amber . . . I can't . . .”

She slid her tongue along his length before cupping him with her palm and squeezing him gently.

“Amber,” he said, his voice rough. He grabbed her arms and dragged her to her feet, holding her against his chest, his expression fierce.

“What did you do that for?” she asked, aware of how breathless she sounded. “I was enjoying myself.”