Uncertain (17 page)

              “Great,” I said, sarcastically.

              “So I was hoping that if I told you that you were officially protected and you can trust us, that you’d feel a little comfort, and try to stay cool. Maybe take some yoga classes or whatever. Your brain activity is—it’s just at an unhealthy level.”

              I put my palms up. “So you want me to live normally until I’m told that I’m needed.”

              “Yes. And I’ll do ya one better. One day I promise ya, you’ll find out what all of this is for. You just have to trust us that it can’t be right now. It’s just not what’s best.”

              “I’ll get to know everything?” I was almost excited.

              “Yes.”

              “And I’ll get to ask anything I want?”

              “Yes. You’ll know everything that I do.” He smiled.

              “OK.”

              “So, listen,” he said, his face getting serious. He leaned across the table. “Be normal—be date happy. We really need you to try to be normal. If you become a weirdo or a shut-in, it won’t go well. And this is real important.”

              I felt lighter.

              “There you go. That’s what I’m talking about. Now go with Wren, have a little fun.” He had an apologetic look on his face. “You won’t have a date number two if you keep actin’ the way you have been.” He smiled again.

              “I don’t really care, though.” It was true.

              “Ah, but you should. Like it or not, this is your life. The bad and the good. Have some fun.” He slapped his knees and stood up, giving me a quick pat on the shoulder as he walked away.

Less than a minute later, Wren walked up holding two cups in his hand. “Sorry I took so long. Everything that could potentially go wrong went wrong with pouring mix and hot water into a cup.” He shook his head and set down the foam cups.

We walked, sipping our hot chocolate. The zoo was mostly empty, it was kind of nice feeling like we had the whole place to ourselves. That’s what I told myself as I tried to shove Max out of my mind.

“So, I brought us lunch.” Wren interrupted my daze.

“Yeah?” I tried to sound more enthusiastic than normal.

“Yeah. I went to this Italian deli by my house. I could eat there every single day of my life.”

I smiled and took a sip of my drink, feeling frozen.

“It is against the advice of my little sister to bring you food from there.”

I laughed a little. “Why is that?”

“She says girls don’t like cold meat sandwiches on a date.”

“I like lunchmeat, no worries. I work on jobsites, that’s what you eat unless you’re grabbing a burger. But that gets old.” I shrugged.

“It does.” He agreed. “I’m really glad you like lunchmeat because I panicked, not sure if you ate meat.  I had the lady at the deli make me a vegetarian sandwich. She didn’t have one on the menu so it’s just got like a heap of hot peppers and lettuce with cheese on it. She looked like
she
didn’t approve either.”

I laughed again.

“That lady
definitely
eats meat. She gave me serious attitude about leaving it off.”

“So you brought three subs?” I said with a laugh in my voice.

“Yeah, I wanted to be sure you would have something you liked. I also got a few kinds of chips and drinks. In fact, I brought so much that I invited the deli lady to come with us. But, she seemed to have other plans.” He trailed off, joking. I imagined him standing at a deli counter, planning to get me lunch and it made me happy that he thought of this so much in advance.

“So, how old is your sister?”

“Fifteen. She told me I suck for giving you just sandwiches in the freezing cold on our low-key date. But, I’m hoping she’s wrong.” He smiled at me. I could see his fondness for his sister. It was sweet.

“So, this is the place that I wanted to sit so we could have lunch. It’s right in front of the gorillas, because gorillas are awesome.” He set down his bag next to a bench and got down on one knee and started to remove things from his bag. He pulled out a small flat table that he unhinged and set up. Then he pulled out a rainbow colored beach-style blanket, unfolded it, and laid it across the bench. He set the food out on the small table and set up the selection of drinks in a row on the ground.

“Mortadella and cheese or Italian sub?” he asked me, holding white paper cylinders.

“What’s mortadella?”

“If I explain it, it sounds gross.”

“Lay it on me.” I told him.

“Well, it’s like thin bologna with fat chunks in it and peppercorns.” He said scratching his eyebrow with his thumb and smiling. “It’s like ridiculous, though. So good.”

“Fat chunks.” I repeated. “Why not.”

“Yeah? Ok cool!” he unwrapped it for me and folded back the paper. He handed it to me. Then he set a small plastic spoon down next to a little cup of hot peppers. He opened up a bag of chips for each of us and sat down, unwrapping his own sandwich.

The wind picked up - I shivered. I was truly trying to not look cold, but I was failing.

“I know,” he said, looking over at me as he sat down. “It’s way colder out here than I thought it would be. I checked the weather and everything. I think my sister was right. Plus that gorilla is staring us down. He wants your fat chunk sandwich real bad.”

I laughed hard with a first bite of sandwich in my mouth.

“Look at him.” He said. “He knows he’s
magnificent
.” He said, sarcastically.

I laughed, trying to chew. “It’s actually really good!” I said, surprised once I tasted the meat.

“I’m glad you like it.”

“I’ll scoot closer to you because it’s cold.” He said. “I’m saying it out loud so it will be less awkward.” He laughed. “We’ll eat incredibly fast, and watch this guy,” he nodded at the Mountain Gorilla, “and then we’ll go sit in the car with the heat on because it’s 40 below zero.”

He moved closer so that our legs touched and put his free arm around me and buried his face in my hair, breathing out hot air onto my neck and rubbing my arm to warm me up.

“Oh my GOD.” He said, disappointment in his voice.

“What?” I said, looking around.

“I just realized. The Italian place – their other specialty. It’s soup. They have great soup.”

I laughed. “Maybe we can get that in the summer.”

“The zoo?” Kevin asked me the next day when I came over to finish up his bar.

“Yeah,” I said, squatting to wipe the bar down with a damp sponge and giving it a final once-over.

“How’d you do with that?”

I stood up and looked at him, turning my lips down in a sort of mouth-shrug. “It was pretty good, actually.”

“Why? I mean, what did you do.”

“We looked at animals, Kevin,” I said sarcastically.

“It was freezing yesterday. Why would he choose the zoo?”

“He said he wanted to do something offbeat.”

“He was successful there,” Kevin said, taking a swig of his beer. “I’m glad you had a good time, though. I know you weren’t really into the idea the other day.”

“I know.”

“Seemed like the beet jars were overflowing.”

“I’d like to see how
your
beet jars would look.”

“Mine would be smashed and disgusting, and I’d leave them that way. There would be flies and mold.”

“Nice.” I laughed.

“So?”

“So, what?”

“Anything else happen?”

Just then, I remembered Max. How could I leave that out? I started to tell Kevin when he interrupted my thought. “I mean, did he kiss you?”

“Oh—um. Just on the cheek at the end.”

“That’s lame,” he said, a flat tone to his voice. Then louder. “Laaaame.”

“I am so not in the right mental place to give another thought to whether or not he kissed me on a date that I didn’t even want to go on.”

“I know. I’m just giving you crap.” He clapped his hands and stood up. “My bar is looking fantastic!” he said, opening his arms wide.

He was in such a good mood that I didn’t want to tell him about Max. I didn’t want to get all theoretical and take turns guessing at what was going on. I’d tell him at some point. There wasn’t any rush. Not talking about it was way more fun – just like old times.

              I spent a lot of brainpower trying to figure out what this big thing was that I was a part of. I would turn the radio off when I drove to think about it. I wondered what signs I would get. I wondered everything. I found that I was much less edgy, but my curiosity was overwhelming. Why did Drina need a protector? What kind of signs would I get?

I’d had a few nights without any dreams. I decided that was because I was working again and getting used to being so exhausted from all the physical stuff. I’d gotten soft on my extended leave.

              Then, I dreamed of Ortis again. I was in the tall grass. Apart from the farmhouse, grass and a few perfect trees in the distance were all I could see. He sat on the sofas waiting for me, and I was standing a dozen or so feet away.

              “Sometimes you like the rain,” he said, an interested look on his face. It began to rain, but I didn’t feel cold or wet. I held out my hands to feel it; it tapped lightly on my hands, making my fingertips move in a tiny way. It made me feel happy. It wasn’t a dreary rain—it was just good, clean rain. The sound was soothing, like a single sound with enormous depth.

              “Your mind, it’s reeling too much. I should have spoken more clearly about expectations when we last met.
I
will be the one to tell you when we need to protect Drina. This is going to be far more straightforward to avoid your looking for signs in your normal life.”

              “How do I know that I’m not making this whole thing up?

              He nodded, understanding my question. “In dreams that are a manifestation of the mind, you will not smell things. Here, you can smell the rain. Am I right?”             

              He was right. It smelled thick, clean, and earthy.

              “Anything else?”

              “You’ll come to be used to it, I’d say. You’ll learn how to know.”

              “Will this go on for a while?”

              “It’s not time for you to know that yet. I’m not here to answer questions, specifically. I’m here to redirect you so that you don’t become overwhelmed. If you have too many uncertainties in your waking life, you’ll likely lose the grip on your sanity, and we can’t afford that.”

              “Well, we sure can’t,” I said sarcastically. “Is that why Max came to see me?”

              “Yes.” His tone was even but his answers were short, and he seemed impatient again.

              “Do you know my mom, too?” I asked.

              “Yes. But I want you to understand that I don’t care to answer your questions. I see no reason for it.”

              “But why would I have any reason to protect Drina if you don’t want to help me understand?”

              “I won’t be handled by you,” he said with tension in his voice.

              “I’m just trying to understand.” I felt fear building in me—his expression and his posture made me anxious. I wasn’t sure what I’d done, but he seemed upset suddenly.

              “Understand this. I don’t have the same concerns your mother and Dave had when it comes to you. My concerns are at a higher level. I don’t have the patience, and I most certainly don’t need for you to understand. I’m different.”

              My mouth moved, and I heard my voice, but I didn’t choose to speak. “I can make you say or do whatever I like.” The words left me, and fear vibrated through me. I felt sick. Overwhelmingly sick. I stood up and ran toward the farmhouse. I ran hard, but slow. I remembered my mother being there the last time I dreamed of Ortis. I ran as fast as I could, desperately looking for her. She wasn’t there. She wasn’t anywhere. Ortis appeared in front of me. I stopped short.

I tried to wake myself up the way I’d done during dreams in the past—scary dreams. It wouldn’t work. I couldn’t wake up. A feeling of claustrophobia came over me.

              “How can you make me talk? I said your words! In my own voice?”

              “I have certain abilities,” he told me hesitantly.

              “What the hell?” I said, pacing and shaking.

              He paused, then spoke after a minute or so of my pacing. “I apologize. A lack of patience rarely works in your favor.” He set a lanky hand on my shoulder and stopped me from pacing. Calmness came over me.

              “What are you doing?” I said to him.

              “I removed your fear. I was behaving poorly.” His expression changed.

              “What’s wrong?” I asked him.

              “I had to feel your fear in order to absorb it and make you feel calm. I thought for a moment that a show of power would make you more likely to comply, but I was wrong. I don’t mean to be so impatient. If you knew all that I know, you’d understand why.”

              Although I felt calm, I just wanted to wake up. Then, I thought about what Harry said, about practicing facing your fears in a dream. I turned to face him. His face was almost serene now, and I noticed a gray handlebar mustache that I hadn’t noticed before. I wanted to look at him closely, but I needed to get the words out.

“Ortis, promise me that you’ll never do that again. You scared me to my soul. I’m not some puppet moron who’s just going to trust you or do what you say. I need to understand. I’ll settle for a little at a time.”

              Ortis looked deeply into my eyes. His eyes reminded me of Harry’s. “I won’t do it again. I felt your fear, and I understand it. Again, I’m sorry. This will make you feel better yet.”

              My mother appeared next to Ortis.

              “Melly! Oh my gosh.” She extended her hand but couldn’t touch me.

              “Wait,” Ortis said. “OK, please. You can touch her now.”

              My mother hugged me, and my heart leapt. It had been so long. I remembered every detail of her hug. The way she smelled, the boniness of her shoulders, how she’d sway very gently when she hugged me. We stopped hugging, and she kissed me on the cheek, then held my face and looked at me.

              “My beautiful girl,” she said. “Thank you, Ortis. Melly, Ortis takes a little getting used to, but he’s OK. You can trust him.”

              “OK, Mom.” I felt tears sliding down my face. “Oh, it’s so good to hear your voice.”

              “Melly, you’re so important, and so is Drina. Be patient. I know that’s the hardest thing. But you can do it. You really can. I have no doubt.”

              “Did I just control you to say that?” I asked, looking back and forth between her and Ortis.

              She laughed. “No, that was me.” She smiled. “Ortis, you take good care of my girl.”

              Ortis smiled slightly and gave a single nod. Then, his expression changed. I heard a loud jingling sound. Ortis seemed suddenly alarmed, and his eyes lost focus. My mother disappeared.

              “What’s going on?” I asked him.

              “Someone’s in the house,” he said.

              “Is that bad?” I looked over at the farmhouse. I didn’t see anything.

              “Someone is in
your
house,” he clarified. My stomach clenched. “Wait.” He paused. “Wait.” The moment was eerie, and my artificial calmness left me.

              “Someone’s in my house where I’m sleeping right now? What do I do? Can you keep me safe? What about my grampa?”

              “I can’t assure it, but I’m trying.” He looked to his right. “Find out what happened to the trio,” he said to someone. I looked in the same direction and didn’t see anyone.

              “Let me wake up!” I demanded. “So I can do something!”

              “It’s not what’s best. Just wait.”