Uncle John's Bathroom Reader Plunges into Pennsylvania (26 page)

There's something for everyone in Lancaster
.

Town:
Lancaster

Location:
Lancaster County

Founding:
1729

Population (2008):
55,381

Size:
7.4 square miles

County seat:
Yes

It was originally called Hickory Town, but in 1729, John Wright, one of the area's wealthiest residents, named the town Lancaster, after Lancaster, England, where he once lived.

 

 

We told you about hockey's Philadelphia Flyers on
page 93
. Here's the history of the Pittsburgh Penguins
.

L
ike the Flyers, the Penguins became a team in 1967, the year the NHL expanded from the original six teams to twelve. Owners Peter Block and Jack McGregor held a naming contest in a local newspaper as a way to drum up support for the new team. “Penguins” won, and it was a good thing because the name had actually already been chosen. McGregor later said that the name must have been leaked to the paper for inclusion on the list of contenders.

Colors:
The team's original colors were blue and white, but in 1980, the managers changed them to black, gold, and white—the same as the Pittsburgh Steelers football team.

Logo:
Pittsburgh freelance artist Bob Gessner designed the original Penguins' logo: a skating penguin with a scarf tied around its neck in front of an inverted triangle, which represents the “Golden Triangle,” a nickname for downtown Pittsburgh.

The Penguins were pretty good from the start, making the playoffs six times in the 1970s. Then times got hard . . . really hard. From 1982 to 1984, they were the worst team in the NHL. In fact, they were so bad—and had so few fans—that it looked like they wouldn't survive. But the last-place team gets to pick first in the draft, and in 1984, the Penguins picked an 18-year-old from Quebec who would go on to become one of professional hockey's greatest players: Mario Lemieux. (Lemieux scored a goal in his first game, on his first shift . . . on his first shot.)

It took some time, but the Penguins finally made it back to the playoffs in 1989. Two years later, they made it again, this time with another hockey superstar, Czech Jaromir Jagr. And this time, they went all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals—where they beat the Minnesota North Stars four games to two. They did it again in 1992, this time sweeping the Chicago Blackhawks four games to none.

After that, the Penguins went on a long Stanley Cup drought. Then in 2005, they made their second blockbuster draft pick, getting 18-year-old phenom Sidney Crosby. The team made it back to the playoffs in 2007. In 2008, they made it all the way to the Stanley Cup Finals but lost to the Detroit Red Wings, four games to two.

 

 

One of the state's slogans is “You've got a friend in Pennsylvania.” But we don't recommend making friends with these guys
.

Dim-Witted Criminal:
Randy-Jay Adolphos Jones (a.k.a. Baby Boy) of Columbia, Pennsylvania

Dumb Move:
Answering the phone

The Crime:
In October 2007, an unnamed woman was sitting in her car in Lancaster when “Baby Boy” allegedly got in the car, grabbed, and fondled her. She fought back and got away, but as she escaped, he snatched her handbag, which had her cell phone inside.

Shortly after the attack, Officer Jeff Gerhart arrived at the scene and asked the victim to call her phone. Jones answered and demanded a $185,000 ransom for the phone's safe return. The woman refused but haggled him down to $200. They agreed to meet at Franklin and Marshall College to make the trade. Officers apprehended Baby Boy (and the cell phone) there. The handbag was also nearby.

The Punishment:
Jones was booked for robbery and indecent assault on $100,000 bail and is awaiting trial.

Dim-Witted Criminals:
Robert Coulson Lavery and Robert Steven Miller of Fairview Township, Pennsylvania

Dumb Move:
Leaving a trail

The Crime:
Two things were wrong with this pair's plan to rob
the New Cumberland Federal Credit Union in Fairview Township in November 2006. For one, Lavery smeared chalky drywall compound (also known as joint compound) on his face before entering the bank. It worked well as a disguise but left a trail wherever he went. Second, Lavery's getaway driver, Miller, did a poor job of going incognito. He drove a black Chevy Malibu with a souvenir Rusty Wallace NASCAR plate on the front. In a city with less than 15,000 people, it was the only one of its kind.

When police asked for help in identifying the vehicle, a local resident easily recognized the car and led them to Miller. The robber immediately ratted out his accomplice, who was hiding at Miller's house with $3,775 of the stolen $7,910 . . . and the clothes and car smeared with drywall compound.

The Punishment:
Both were convicted of robbery and theft.

Dim-Witted Criminal:
Malcolm Kysor of Albion, Pennsylvania

Dumb Move:
Bragging

The Crime:
Fifty-four-year-old Kysor escaped from a medium-security prison in Albion in November 2007. He'd been serving a life sentence for beating an Erie County man to death with a golf club in 1981, but one day, he simply climbed into a trash can meant for food scraps and rode out of prison in a garbage truck. (Workers neglected to inspect the truck before it departed, resulting in the prison's superintendent later being removed from her position.)

Kysor evaded capture for four months, but then, while he was living in a park in Bakersfield, California, his story was featured on the TV show
America's Most Wanted
. Kysor couldn't help bragging about this to his fellow transients, and a law-abiding citizen overheard and reported him immediately. When questioned,
Kysor gave police an alias . . . one he'd used before and that was already in a national database.

The Punishment:
He was extradited to Pennsylvania to serve the rest of his life sentence, plus whatever time he'll receive for the felony escape charge, which carries a maximum of seven years. And since his trash-can maneuver was caught on a prison surveillance tape, it is unlikely that he'll dodge that charge.