Read Uncle John’s Briefs Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Briefs (19 page)
How big is the principality of Monaco? 370 acres.
We sometimes wonder about insects creeping and crawling in the garage or out in the garden. What do they do all day? It turns out that even with six or eight legs, they still have a one-track mind
.
C
HEAPSKATE FLIES
The mating ritual of a type of fly called
Hilara
, commonly known as the “dance fly,” involves gift-giving. The male catches a small insect, wraps it in silk, and then presents it—along with a wing-waving mating dance—to his potential mate. When she accepts it, he mounts her while she’s busy eating the gift. But some dance flies are too lazy to even catch the bug. In one species, the male offers the female what
looks
like a gift-wrapped insect. While she unwraps it, he mates with her, trying to complete the act before she discovers there’s no bug in the bag.
TRICKY ORCHIDS
The female tiphiid wasp can’t fly. So she climbs to the top of a tall plant and releases her pheromones into the air. The male flies by, grabs her, and flies away. Mating takes place in midair.
One type of orchid has made an interesting adaptation: its flower looks just like a female tiphiid. Not only that, its scent is almost identical to her pheromones. The unsuspecting male wasp grabs the flower and tries to take off with it; in the struggle, he brushes against the pollen before becoming frustrated and flying away. He goes on to the next orchid and goes through the same routine, thus pollinating the orchids.
HUNGRY SPIDERS
The female black widow spider is genetically programmed to control the black widow population in her neighborhood, based on available food supply. Here’s how she does it: A male approaches her web, sits on the edge, and bobs his abdomen, causing the web to vibrate. If she’s not in the mood, she won’t respond. If she is willing to mate, she’ll send out an answering pattern of vibrations calling him toward her. But if she’s hungry, she’ll send the male the
exact same
mating response. And when he gets close enough… she eats him.
Early recipes for beer included mushrooms, bay leaves, butter, and bread crumbs.
Psychologists say dreams reflect our waking lives. Although translations will vary with each individual, researchers say everybody’s dreams share some common themes. Here are some examples
.
• If you’re naked,
you’re dreading an upcoming event because you feel unprepared, ashamed, or vulnerable.
• If you’re falling,
it’s a subconscious response to real-life stress. However, some experts say the “stress” could be something as simple as a mid-sleep leg or arm spasm.
• If you die,
it doesn’t portend death (yours or anybody else’s)—it suggests insecurity or anxiety.
• If you dream about a dead relative,
you’ve come to terms with the loss. Dream psychologists say we only dream about deceased loved ones when the grief process is complete.
•
If you see a car wreck,
a big undertaking in your life may feel bound for failure.
• If you’re being chased,
you’re probably running away from something in real life. Being unable to run in a dream indicates feeling overwhelmed by daily pressures.
• If your teeth fall out or crumble,
you’re unhappy with your physical appearance. It may also mean you’re excessively concerned about how others perceive you.
• If you’re giving birth,
great change is unfolding. Dreaming about babies indicates a desire to behave more maturely.
• If you can fly,
you’ve just conquered a stressful situation. If you dream that you’re able to control where you fly, it’s a sign of confidence. Flying aimlessly suggests you’re cautiously optimistic about your success.
•
If you dream about water,
it represents a general sense of your emotional state. Clear water means satisfaction with work and home. Muddy water is a sign of skepticism and discontent.
• If you’re urinating,
you may be expressing desire for relief from a difficult situation. Or you may really have to pee. Or you may be doing so already.
The American bison was pictured on a 1901 U.S. dollar. It was nicknamed “the buffalo bill.”
Sometimes when a plan is put into action, the result can be something that no one could have predicted. But, hey—that’s what makes life interesting
.
W
HAT HAPPENED:
The approval of the drug Viagra by the FDA in 1998
INTENDED:
Improved sexual performance in men and, thus, better physical relationships between couples
UNINTENDED:
A sharp rise in the divorce rate among the elderly. Reports released between 2001 and 2003 dubbed the problem the “Viagra divorce.”
USA Today
reported that “husbands previously unable to perform now confront ‘Viagra wives’ not excited to be asked once again for sex.” This, according to the reports, often led the men to have affairs, which often resulted in divorce.
WHAT HAPPENED:
The Roman army’s victories in Asia Minor between 161 and 166 A.D.
INTENDED:
Armenia, Syria, and Mesopotamia were annexed to the Roman Empire
UNINTENDED:
The plague. Returning soldiers brought it back with them, and as much as half the entire population of Rome was decimated by the disease.
WHAT HAPPENED:
The use of salicylic acid as early as the fifth century B.C. and its modern form, acetylsalicylic acid—better known as aspirin
INTENDED:
Pain relief
UNINTENDED:
The prevention of countless heart attacks and strokes. British scientist John Vane showed in 1971 that aspirin suppresses not only inflammation, fever, and the transmission of pain signals to the brain, it also affects the blood’s ability to clot. Blood clots are a major factor in heart attacks and strokes—the leading cause of death in the Western world. Vane’s research, which showed that small regular doses of aspirin could prevent their occurrence, won him a Nobel Prize.
Over a lifetime, the average driver releases 900 pints of gas inside their car.
WHAT HAPPENED:
A ban on smoking in bars in Winnipeg, Manitoba
INTENDED:
A decrease in the health risks of cigarette smoke to bargoers and workers in the city
UNINTENDED:
The discovery of a mummified body in the wall of a bar. In December 2003, police found the body of Eduardo Sanchez, 21, behind a wall in the Village Cabaret. The club’s owners said they had been aware of an offensive smell for a year but thought it was just normal bar odors: stale beer and cigarettes. When the smoking ban went into effect, the odor stood out and neighbors called police. Sanchez was a DJ at the club; police had been unable to solve the mystery of his disappearance in October 2002. They said it now appeared that Sanchez had crawled into a gap between two walls in the basement—for an unknown reason—and gotten stuck.
WHAT HAPPENED:
The U.S. government’s $1.3 billion “War on Cocaine” in Colombia
INTENDED:
A decrease in cocaine use in the United States
UNINTENDED:
An increase in heroin use in the U.S. In 2001 the
Chicago Sun-Times
reported that under the U.S. plan, Colombian planes and helicopters were being used to go after coca plantations—the same aircraft that had previously been used to search for poppy plantations. Poppy growers took advantage and started making record amounts of heroin…and shipping it to the U.S.
WHAT HAPPENED:
The creation of the DMZ (Demilitarized Zone) between North and South Korea at the end of the Korean War in 1953
INTENDED:
The barbed wire–enclosed 2.5-by-150-mile strip of land would help preserve peace between two nations that are still officially “at war.”
UNINTENDED:
The DMZ is an environmental paradise. It’s been virtually human-free for more than 50 years. Result: According to scientists, nearly 3,000 species of plants and animals thrive in the zone today—many that no longer exist in either country. That includes several severely endangered animals, such as Asiatic black bears, Siberian tigers, and two of the most endangered birds in the world: the white-naped crane and the red-crowned crane. In 1999 environmental leaders created a group called the DMZ Forum, which is still working to convince the two countries to turn the strip into a permanent nature reserve.
Ouch! The term “alimony” is from the Latin for “eating money.”
Ever found something really valuable? It’s one of the best feelings in the world. Here’s an installment of a regular
Bathroom Reader
feature
.
A
SHAKY PROSPECT
The Find:
A dirty, moldy, wobbly old card table
Where It Was Found:
At a lawn sale, for $25
The Story:
In the late 1960s, a woman named Claire (no last name—she prefers to remain anonymous) moved to a new house and needed a small table for one of the rooms. She found one at a yard sale but it was dirty and it wobbled; a friend advised against buying it, telling her that “it would never hold a lamp.” She bought it anyway—after bargaining the price down from $30 to $25, because that was all the money she had in her purse. When she cleaned the table up, she noticed a label on the underside of it that read “John Seymour & Son Cabinet Makers Creek Square Boston.” Claire did some research on it, but didn’t learn a lot.
Nearly 30 years passed. Then in September 1997, Claire took her table to a taping of the PBS series
Antiques Roadshow
. There she learned that Seymour furniture is among the rarest and most sought-after in the United States; until Claire’s table showed up, only five other pieces in original condition with the Seymour label were known to exist. Claire thought the table might be worth $20,000; the
Antiques Roadshow
appraiser put it at $300,000. Not even close—the table sold at auction at Sotheby’s for $490,000.
I YAM WHAT I YAM
The Find:
A diamond
Where It Was Found:
In Sierra Leone…under a yam
The Story:
In 1997 three hungry boys were scrounging for food near the village of Hinnah Malen in the African country of Sierra Leone. The boys, orphaned since 1995 when their parents had been killed in a rebel attack, had gone two days without food. They spent three unsuccessful hours searching for yams that morning and were on their way home when their luck changed. They found a yam under a palm tree and dug it up. Right under the yam they found a flawless 100-carat diamond. Estimated
value: $500,000. “It was easy to see,” according to the oldest boy, 14-year-old Morie Jah. “It was shining and sparkling.”
Koalas have no natural predators.
NOT BAA-AA-AD
The Find:
A lost Hindu shrine
Where It Was Found:
In a cave in the Himalayas, in India
The Story:
In September 2001, a shepherd named Ghulam Qadir lost some of his sheep and set out to look for them. He crawled into a small cave, thinking they might be there…but instead of his sheep, he found a 12-inch idol of the Hindu god Shiva. The cave turned out to be a 1,500-year-old shrine, one that had been forgotten and undisturbed for centuries. Government officials were so excited by the discovery that they promised to pay Qadir 10% of the cash offerings left at the shrine from 2002 to 2007, followed by a large final payment when the five years were up. (He never did find his sheep.)
FOWL PLAY
The Find:
A piece of paper stuffed into a leather-bound datebook from 1964
Where It Was Found:
In a box of old books in Shelbyville, Kentucky
The Story:
Homeowners Tommy and Cherry Settle found the datebook while looking through boxes in their basement. Inside the datebook they found a recipe for fried chicken, one that called for 11 herbs and spices—a number that immediately clicked with the Settles, because their home was once owned by Kentucky Fried Chicken founder Colonel Harland Sanders. The Settles believe the recipe may be a copy of Colonel Sanders’s “Original Recipe,” a carefully guarded trade secret and the foundation upon which the $20 billion fast-food chain is built. Only a handful of KFC employees know the recipe, and each of them is sworn to secrecy. When the company subcontracts out the recipe to other manufacturers, they always use at least two companies, so that no one else knows the complete recipe.
So is the Settles’ find the genuine article? The Settles think so, because when they asked KFC about it, the chain filed a lawsuit to force them to hand the recipe over. “They didn’t say anything,” Cherry Settle says, “They just sent this court document.” Estimated “value,” priceless. If the recipe ever gets out, KFC is powerless to stop anyone else from using it.
Sally Field was voted class clown by her high school.
From beer to burritos, these dogs mean business
.
N
IPPER, THE RCA DOG
Nipper, a fox terrier, was born in England in 1884 and got his name because he liked to bite visitors on their legs. His original owner was Mark Barroud, brother of English painter Francis Barroud. When Mark died, Francis inherited the dog. According to legend, when a recording of Mark’s voice was played at his funeral, Nipper recognized it and stood on Mark’s coffin, looking into the horn of the phonograph. Francis Barroud later painted the scene in a work titled
His Master’s Voice
.