Read Uncle John’s Briefs Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers’ Institute
Uncle John’s Briefs (17 page)
AND NOW, GEORGE’S SIDE OF THE BILL…
• First, a historical note: Ever wonder why George Washington’s not smiling in his portraits? Historians suspect it’s because of his unattractive and ill-fitting false teeth.
• To the left of Washington is a letter in the center of a seal. That shows which Federal Reserve Bank issued the bill: Boston (A), New York (B), Philadelphia (C), Cleveland (D), Richmond (E), Atlanta (F), Chicago (G), St. Louis (H), Minneapolis (I), Kansas City (J), Dallas (K), or San Francisco (L).
• Below the seal is a series of numbers. This is the bill’s serial number. Every bill has a different number.
• Also to the left of Washington is the signature of the Treasurer of the United States at the time the bill was printed.
Pop science quiz: Why does peanut butter stick to the roof of your mouth? A: Its high protein content sucks away moisture.
In 1967 the Canadian government published a collection of backwoods recipes from native and non-native peoples in the nation’s far north. It’s now out of print, but here are a few highlights. And if ever you find a copy of
The Northern Cookbook,
grab it—it’s a classic
.
MUSKRAT TAILS
“Cut off the tails and dip them into very hot water. Pull off the fur. Either cook them on top of the stove, turning them after a few minutes, or boil them. (This is the same method as for beaver tails. Both are very sticky to eat.)”
STUFFED MUSKRAT
“Clean the rats well and put them in a roaster with bread stuffing on top. Roast until the muskrats are soft.”
BOILED PORCUPINE
“Make a fire outside and put the porcupine in it to burn off the quills. Wash and clean well. Cut up and boil until done.”
GRIZZLY BEAR STEAKS
“Cut up meat as for frying and fry in deep grease in frying pan.”
BEAR FAT PASTRY
“1½ cups flour, ½ tsp. salt,
cup bear fat (from a little black bear that was eating berries). Makes rich white pastry.”
MUKTUK (meat inside skin and fat of a whale)
“After taken from whale leave 2 days hanging up to dry. Cut into 6"×6" pieces. Cook until tender. After cooked, keep in a cool place in a 45-gallon drum of oil, in order to have muktuk all year.”
OVEN-ROASTED LYNX
“Wash and clean the hind legs of the lynx and roast it with lard and a little water.”
BOILED LYNX
“Cut up the lynx and boil it until it is soft and well cooked. Good to eat with muktuk.”
STEAMED MUSKRAT LEGS
“Cut off the muskrat’s legs, dip in a bowl of flour with salt, pepper, and other strong seasoning. Put grease into a large frying pan. Put in the muskrat legs. Cover and cook for a long time as they take long to become tender. The strong seasoning takes away the actual taste of the muskrat.”
BOILED REINDEER HEAD
“Skin and wash the head well. Then chop it in quarters, splitting it between the eyes with an axe. Cover with cold water and boil until soft. One can also roast in an open pan in an oven very slowly.”
BOILED REINDEER OR CARIBOU HOOFS
“Put hoofs (skin still on them) in a large pot. Cover and boil for a couple of hours. The skin will peel off easily. The muscles are soft and very good to eat. The toe nails also have some soft sweet meat inside them.”
BOILED SMOKED BEAVER
“Smoke the beaver for a day or so. Cut up the meat and boil it with salted water until done.”
FROZEN FISH EGGS
“Take fish eggs out and freeze them. They are good to eat like this.”
BOILED BONE GREASE
“Boil whatever bones are left after all the meat has been cut off. Boil them all in a big pot for two hours. Then let the grease get cold in the pot. It is easy to pick the grease off. Keep the grease to eat with dry meat or add to pounded meat.”
BOILED REINDEER TONGUES
“Boil tongues until thoroughly cooked. Potatoes and vegetables are good with this.”
DRY FISH PUDDING
“Pound up 5 to 6 dry fish. Throw away skin. Add sugar, a little grease, and cranberries.”
JELLIED MOOSE NOSE
“Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes. Boil in a large kettle for 45 minutes. Remove and chill. Pull out all the hairs (like plucking a duck) and wash until none remain. Place nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water. Add onion, garlic, spices, and vinegar. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until meat is tender. Let cool overnight. When cool, discard the bones and cartilage. You will have white meat from the bulb of the nose and dark meat from the bones and jowls. Slice thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a loaf pan. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.”
BAKED SKUNK
“Clean, skin, wash. Bake in oven with salt and pepper. Tastes like rabbit (no smell).”
About 42,000 tennis balls are used each year in the 2-week Wimbledon Championship.
You’ve probably heard of the pilgrimage to the city of Mecca in Saudi Arabia that is a requirement of the Islamic faith. But have you heard about the
Kumbh Mela?
How about the…
H
OLY SITE:
Sites around Mecca, Saudi Arabia
THE JOURNEY:
The
Hajj
pilgrimage is the duty of all Muslims, if they are physically and financially able to make the journey. It always takes place in the 12th (and holy) month of the Islamic year,
Ramadan
. Some requirements of the Hajj: Pilgrims are not allowed to hunt, wear perfume, have marital relations, or argue; they must walk around the
Ka’aba
—the ancient mosque said to be built by Islam’s patriarch, Abraham, and his son Ishmael—seven times. (The
Ka’aba
is the direction that all Muslims face during prayer.) They must also stone the three pillars of
Jamraat
, which represent Satan, symbolizing Abraham’s rejection of temptation. More than 2 million people make the Hajj to Mecca every year.
HOLY SITES:
Four cities in India
THE JOURNEY:
The
Kumbh Mela
is the world’s largest religious pilgrimage. It centers around a Hindu myth: Long ago the gods and demons fought a battle over the
Kumbh
, a pitcher containing the nectar of immortality. During the battle, four drops of nectar spilled onto the Earth. Those drops fell in the Indian cities of Allahabad, Nasik, Ujjain, and Haridwar. Every three years a
mela
(fair) is held in one of the cities, rotating so that each is visited every 12 years.
The Guinness Book of World Records
called Allahabad’s 1989 gathering “the largest number of human beings to ever assemble with a common purpose in the entire history of mankind.” An estimated 25 million people—nearly the population of Canada—attended.
HOLY SITE:
Ise Jingu (The Grand Shrine of Ise), Mie, Japan
THE JOURNEY:
The Ise Jingu is the Shinto shrine dedicated to Amaterasu Omikami, the Great Sun Goddess and mythological ancestor of the Japanese royal family. In the 600s A.D., Emperor Temmu declared it the most important shrine in Shintoism. At first, only Japanese royalty were
allowed in, but it in the 1600s it was opened to the public. Ise Jingu also has the distinction of being one of the oldest—and newest—pilgrimage sites in the world. Every 20 years it undergoes
shikinen sengu
—all the shrine’s buildings are destroyed and rebuilt, using the same construction techniques that were used 13 centuries ago. (The next
shikinen sengu
is in 2013.) Today more than 6 million make the trip every year, with more than a million showing up around New Years Day alone.
Elvis Presley collected guns, including several M-16s and a Thompson submachine gun.
HOLY SITE:
Chek Chek shrine near Yazd, Iran
THE JOURNEY:
Zoroastrianism was founded in the 6th century B.C. and was the official religion of the ancient Persian Empire. Legend says that in 640 A.D. Muslim armies chased the daughter of Persian Emperor Yazdgird III to the mountains near Yazd. There she prayed to the Zoroastrian creator, Ahura Mazda, for her freedom, and the mountain opened up and saved her. A holy spring still runs at the site (Chek Chek means “drip drop”). Every June, thousands of pilgrims make their way up the mountain to a sacred cave, where they pray and drink the water from the spring.
HOLY SITE:
Hill Cumorah, near Palmyra, New York
THE JOURNEY:
Hill Cumorah is where Joseph Smith had visions in the 1820s, upon which the Mormon faith is based. There, Mormons believe, Smith was visited by the Angel Moroni, who gave him the Book of Mormon—the history of the New World on gold tablets. A huge statue of Moroni stands on the hill, and every July, nearly 100,000 Mormons come for “The Cumorah Pageant: America’s Witness for Christ,” during which dramatic reenactments of the Book of Mormon are performed.
HOLY SITE:
The Saut d’Eau waterfall near Ville Bonheur, Haiti
THE JOURNEY:
Many Haitians follow a combination of Voodooism and Christianity. In 1847, believers say, an image of the Virgin Mary was seen in a tree near the falls. In the Voodoo faith, the Virgin Mary is often associated with Erzuli, the Voodoo goddess of love. Every July, pilgrims journey to Ville Bonheur (the Village of Bliss) and the Saut d’Eau falls. There they stand in the falls and sing, chant, and pray to Mary and/or Erzuli and other Voodoo spirits. Anywhere from hundreds to tens of thousands of Haitians (depending on political conditions in the country) make the trip each year.
Poo news: Deer droppings are called
fumet
.
Is there intelligent life in TV’s outer space? You decide
.
“Is there anyone on this ship who, even remotely, looks like Satan?”
—Kirk
Tuvok:
“The phaser beam would ricochet along an unpredictable path, possibly impacting our ship in the process.”
Janeway:
“All right, we won’t try that.”
“Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That’s the only planet in the galaxy that can make that claim.”
—Kirk
“I’m a doctor, not an escalator.”
—McCoy
“I must say, there’s nothing like the vacuum of space for preserving a handsome corpse.”
—Doctor
“It’s difficult to work in a group when you’re omnipotent.”
—Q
“The best diplomat I know is a fully-loaded phaser bank.”
—Scotty
“Mr. Neelix, do you think you could possibly behave a little less like yourself?”
—Tuvok
“What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?”
—McCoy
“Time travel. From my first day on the job I promised myself I’d never let myself get caught up in one of these God-forsaken paradoxes. The future is the past; the past is the future. It all gives me a headache.”
—Janeway
“I’m attempting to construct a mnemonic memory circuit, using stone knives and bearskins.”
—Spock
Data:
“Tell me, are you using a polymer-based neuro-relay to transmit organic nerve impulses to the central processor of my positronic net?”
Borg Queen:
“Do you always talk this much?”
“I’m a doctor, not a bricklayer.”
—McCoy
The word “grandmother” appears in the Bible only once: 2 Timothy 1:5.