Uncle John’s Unsinkable Bathroom Reader (85 page)

As of 2008, nearly a billion people visit eBay annually, with an average of 12 million items up for sale at any given time. Omidyar himself is worth more than $7 billion. Today he and Pam devote most of their time to the Omidyar Network, a philanthropic organization that helps poor people around the world get into business—and they’ve pledged to give away all but 1% of their fortune over the next 20 years. “My mother always taught me to treat other people the way I want to be treated and to have respect for other people,” he says. “Those are just good basic values to have in a crowded world.”

Some unusual epitaphs and tombstones from the United States and Europe, sent in by our crew of wandering BRI tombstonologists
.

In England:

In Memory of Charles Ward This stone was not erected by Susan his wife. She erected a stone to John Salter her second husband forgetting the affection of Charles Ward, her husband.

In Massachusetts:

Nearby these grayrocks Enclosed in a box

Lies Hatter Cox Who died of smallpox.

In Scotland:

Here lies the body of Sarah, Wife of John Hayes.

The Lord giveth And the Lord taketh away Blessed be the name of the Lord.

In Ireland

Here lie the remains of John Hall, grocer The world is not worth a
fig
, & I have good
raisins
for saying so.

In Illinois:

Anonymous
Cold is my bed, but ah I love it, For colder are my friends above it.

In Rhode Island:

Thomas Coffin
He’s done a-catching cod And gone to meet his God.

In Scotland:

Here lies John Macpherson Who was a very peculiar person He stood six foot two without his shoe

And was slew at Waterloo.

In England:

Here lies the wife of Roger Martin She was a good wife to

Roger, that’s sartin.

In New York:

John Phillips
Accidentally shot as a mark of affection by his brother.

In Mississippi:

Anonymous
Here lies my wife in earthly mold, Who when she lived did naught but scold. Peace! Wake her not, for now she’s still, She had; but now I have my will.

In Colorado:

Anonymous
He called Bill Smith a liar.

In Georgia:

Dr. J.J. Subers
Been Here And Gone Had a Good Time.

When Uncle John read his fortune this morning, the ace of spades told him that you’d want more information about telling fortunes with playing cards than we gave you on page 284. We can’t fight fate, so here’s Part II
.

T
WO, THREE, AND FOUR OF A KIND
As we told you in Part I, the meaning of an individual card can change if it’s dealt upside down. The meaning of different
combinations
of cards in the Past, Present, Future, or Surprise piles will change in proportion to how many of the cards are dealt upside down. For example, in the case of three aces, if only one of the aces is upside down, the right-side-up qualities will predominate over the upside-down qualities. If two of the three aces are upside down, the upside-down qualities will predominate.

Pair of Sevens.
Right-side up, two sevens could refer to the love that the subject and another person have for each other. If one or both of the cards are upside down: disloyalty, deceit, or regret.

Three Sevens.
Right-side up: sadness brought on by sickness, the loss of friends, or deep remorse. Upside down: a minor ailment, or an unpleasant backlash following a period of great pleasure.

Four Sevens.
Right-side up: schemes and traps set by angry, jealous opponents. Upside down: small triumphs over weak enemies.

Pair of Eights.
Right-side up: unexpected developments, which may include passing infatuations or trivial pleasures. Upside down: paying the price for foolishness.

Three Eights.
Right-side up: love—the responsible kind—is in the air. Upside down: flirtation, dissipation, and foolishness.

Four Eights.
Right-side up: a journey or a new position of responsibility having periods of both success and failure. Upside down: stability and tranquility.

Special Pair Combinations.
The eight of diamonds paired with
the eight of hearts symbolizes difficult tasks or a new suit of clothes. Paired with the eight of spades, it indicates sickness; paired with the eight of clubs, it refers to enduring love.

Pair of Nines.
Right-side up: happiness and wealth, or possibly a change of address. Upside down: small problems. If the nine of clubs is paired with the nine of hearts, an inheritance is forthcoming (or was, if it’s in the Past pile).

Three Nines.
Right-side up: prosperity, happiness, and good health. Upside down: bad judgement, resulting in temporary financial reversals.

Four Nines.
An unexpected development is coming. The amount of time that passes before the event takes place is proportionate to how many of the nines are upside down. If all four of them are, don’t hold your breath.

Five Nines.
Poor eyesight. (There are only
four
nines in a deck.)

Pair of Tens.
Unexpected good luck, perhaps relating to a change of occupation. If one of the tens is upside down, the good luck is not far off. If they’re both upside down, be prepared to wait awhile. A ten of diamonds paired with the ten of hearts signifies a wedding in the near future.

Three Tens.
Financial ruin resulting from lawsuits. The amount of ruin is proportionate to the number of tens that are upside down.

Four Tens.
Great wealth and success resulting from the task at hand. The number of obstacles between the subject and wealth and success is proportionate to the number of upside-down tens.

Pair of Jacks.
Loss of personal property resulting from schemes. If both jacks are upside down, the loss is imminent; if only one is upside down, you still have a little time to say goodbye to your stuff.

Three Jacks.
Right-side up: problems caused by acquaintances
and “friends,” possibly involving the smearing of the subjects reputation. Upside down: a physical conflict with a social inferior.

Four Jacks.
Wild, noisy parties with plenty of food and drink. The more jacks that are upside down, the less enjoyable the party.

Pair of Queens.
Secrets exposed following a confidential meeting between friends. One card upside down: a rivalry forms as a result of the meeting. Both cards upside down: bad behavior—
the subject’s
—that does not go unpunished.

Three Queens.
A pleasant visit; the visitor could be anyone from a loved one to a perfect stranger. If one or more cards are upside down, you will be the subject of gossip or scandal. If all three cards are upside down, you could be involved in a physical altercation.

Four Queens.
A social gathering or occasion of some kind; how
un
happy you are at the event depends on how many of the queens are upside down. If they’re all right-side up, you’ll have a blast.

Pair of Kings.
Cooperation, good behavior, and wise decisions in business affairs bring great rewards. The number of obstacles to be overcome is proportionate to the number of upside down cards.

Three Kings.
A difficult problem faced head-on. The difficulty of solving it is proportionate to the number of upside-down cards. If all three kings are upside down, the problem will remain unsolved.

Four Kings.
Honors, promotions, and special treatment. With every card that is upside down, these goodies diminish in value but will arrive more quickly.

Pair of Aces.
A coming together of some kind. A heart-and-club pair signifies a union entered into for good purposes; a diamond-and-spade pair signifies a union for bad purposes. The other combinations are more neutral. If one or both of the aces are upside down, the goal of the union, be it good or evil, will not be realized.

Three Aces.
Personal troubles, perhaps caused by a faithless lover, that are mitigated by the arrival of good news. The extent to
which the subject’s problems are their own fault is proportionate to the number of cards that are upside down.

Four Aces.
Watch out! Four aces are great in poker…but a disaster in fortune-telling. They could represent physical danger, financial collapse, relationship troubles, even jail time. But there’s still hope: The more aces that are upside down, the less serious the trouble.

Seven of Diamonds with the Queen of Diamonds.
A big fight. With the queen of clubs: uncertainty in thought or deed. With the queen of hearts: good news.

Jacks, Queens, and Kings in a Row.
Companionship, social enjoyment, festive parties, and other good times.

Nine of Hearts with the King of Hearts.
Good luck for lovers.

Seven of Spades with the Jack, Queen, or King of Any Suit.

A false friend is exposed.

Queen of Spades with the Jack of Spades.
The subject should be wary of a hostile woman who seeks to harm them.

Ten of Diamonds with the Seven of Spades.
Delay.

Nine of Diamonds with the Eight of Hearts.
A trip.

Ten of Diamonds with the Eight of Clubs.
A trip taken for reasons of love or romance.

Five of Spades with the Eight of Spades.
Jealousy resulting in offensive, hurtful behavior.

Several Numbered Spades in a Row.
Financial setbacks, possibly even bankruptcy, depending on the number of cards.

Seven and Eight of Diamonds.
Gossip and innuendo that leads back to the subject.

Ten of Clubs Followed by an Ace.
Lots of money. If this combination is in turn followed by an eight and a king, the subject will make or receive a proposition of marriage.

Ace of Diamonds with the Ten of Hearts.
Marriage.

Jack, Queen, King, and Ace of the Same Color.
Another combination that indicates marriage. If the jack of hearts and the queen of spades are also nearby, there are obstacles to the marriage that must be overcome.

These days it seems like there’s an aerobics studio on every corner, TV ads promise us “washboard abs,” and pantries are stocked with granola bars. But 50 years ago, fitness had an entirely different meaning. And then one man—Jack LaLanne—changed it all
.

J
UMPING JACK
You may remember Jack LaLanne from his television show—a trim, energetic man in a tight jumpsuit, doing jumping jacks in the opening sequence. From the 1950s through the ’80s, LaLanne was a part of daily life for millions of Americans—they exercised to his show, read his books, and watched his highly publicized “muscleman stunts.” LaLanne brought the American public an amazing number of fitness firsts, including things we still see every day: health clubs targeted at ordinary men and women, sophisticated exercise machines, and televised nutritional tips. What’s even more amazing is that in his mid-90s, Jack LaLanne still teaches the value of exercise and good nutrition through the example of his own remarkable health. But for such a health and fitness icon, LaLanne got off to a pretty rough start.

Born in 1914 in San Francisco, he was a thin, sickly child whose mother tried to boost his energy level by feeding him rich desserts. By the age of 15, Jack already had the health troubles of an old man—boils, a bad back, flat feet, and poor eyesight. Worst of all were crippling headaches, so painful that he frequently lost his temper and even contemplated suicide. His moods were so dangerous that on one occasion he tried to burn down the house, and twice tried to kill his brother—once with an axe, and once with a butcher knife.

After numerous doctors failed to diagnose the boy’s problem, in 1929 Jack’s mother tried a different approach: Instead of taking him to another doctor, she dragged him to the Oakland Woman’s City Club for a lecture on health and nutrition. The speaker, Paul
Bragg, preached a gospel of eating only natural foods and getting plenty of exercise. Bragg was also a showman who, to emphasize his own good health, did cartwheels across the stage.