Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (46 page)

WHAT HAPPENED:
Tully fought back by publicly revealing his true identity. He wrapped himself—literally—in the American flag, and, standing on the steps of city hall with his seven-page rap sheet in one hand and a beer in the other, announced his entry in the 1991 race for mayor. His reasons for running: 1) As a reformed criminal he was a better candidate than typical politicians who “get into office and
then
start crooking,” and 2) “If the police are going to hit me, they’re going to have to hit me in the limelight.”

Tully actually won 496 votes…but lost the race.

WISEGUY:
Joseph “Joe Dogs” Iannuzzi, bookie, loan shark, and member of New York’s Gambino crime family from 1974 to 1982

IN THE PROGRAM:
Joe Dogs had a reputation for being an excellent cook—even in the mob. After turning State’s evidence in 1982, he supported himself by opening a bagel shop in Florida.

Then in 1993 he wrote
The Mafia Cookbook
. How can someone in the Program promote a book? They can’t—witnesses are forbidden from contact with the media, and Joe Dogs had to pass on several offers to appear on TV. But he was a huge fan of David Letterman, so when he was asked to appear on
The Late Show,
he agreed, even though he risked being thrown out of the program. Why would he take the chance? “Dave was my idol,” Iannuzzi explained.

WHAT HAPPENED:
It finally dawned on somebody at
The Late Show
that bringing a man marked for death by the mob into New York City and putting him on TV with Dave in front of a live studio audience might not be such a good idea. At the last minute, just as Joe Dogs was getting ready to cook Veal Marsala, show staffers told him his segment had been cancelled.

Iannuzzi was furious—according to some accounts he even threatened to “whack” Letterman. And although he never actually went on the show, the U.S. Marshals Service kicked him out of the Witness Protection Program anyway.

“What am I going to do now? Well,” he told reporters, “I can always cook.”

Duh! A hijacker took over a public bus in Argentina—and insisted on being driven to Cuba.

BEHIND THE HITS

Ever wonder what inspired some of your favorite songs? Here are a few inside stories about popular tunes.

T
he Artist:
Santana

The Song:
“Smooth” (1999)

The Story:
One night in 1997, Rob Thomas, lead singer of Matchbox 20, had a dream: he was on the cover of
Rolling Stone
shouting something into the ear of one of his musical heroes, guitar legend Carlos Santana. A month later, Thomas was invited by R&B composer Itaal Shur to contribute a song to Santana’s next album. Thomas was thrilled.

They wrote a song (inspired by Thomas’s wife, Marisol Maldonado) and sent a rough demo tape to Santana. Thomas recommended English pop star George Michael for the vocals, but Santana liked what he heard on the demo, “I believe it when he sings.” So Thomas flew to San Francisco to meet his idol and record the song.

“Smooth” was Santana’s first #1 song ever (it was on top for 12 weeks in 1999), was his first to reach the top 10 in 30 years, earned Thomas BMI’s Pop Songwriter of the Year award, and won nine Grammies. (Santana made the cover of Rolling Stone in March, 2000…without Thomas.)

The Artist:
The Charlie Daniels Band

The Song:
“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” (1979)

The Story:
Starting his music career in 1959, virtuoso fiddle player Charlie Daniels had enjoyed moderate success as a session musician and songwriter. He was known in music circles but the Charlie Daniels Band couldn’t get much radio airplay—he was too country for rock stations, too hard rock for country stations.

In 1979 Daniels decided to write the “ultimate fiddle song.” While brainstorming for ideas, he remembered a Stephen Vincent Benet poem he had learned in school called “The Mountain Whippoorwill.” In the poem, Hill-Billy Jim enters a fiddlin’ contest and then “all hell breaks loose in Georgia.”

Daniels modernized the words, but went into the studio without any music. Armed with only a poem about a boy who beats the devil, Daniels and his band did something just as improbable—they created a hit right there on the spot.

Mark Twain invented a Trivial Pursuit–like game called “Mark Twain’s Memory-Builder.”

The record company knew it, too, and released it as a single. Result: The song was a hit on country
and
rock radio stations, turned Daniels into a star, and was named the Country Music Association’s Single of the Year for 1979.

The Artist:
Tag Team

The Song:
“Whoomp! (There it is)” (1993)

The Story:
Cecil “DC, the Brain Supreme” Glenn was a DJ at Atlanta’s Magic City nightclub. He dreamed of producing a hit rap record. One night he heard another DJ chanting into the mike, “Whoomp! There it is!” When Glenn saw the nightclub crowd’s unified response, he knew that was his hit. So he and his best friend, Steve “Roll’n” Gibson, wrote and recorded a song around the phrase.

The song was a hit at the club, but they couldn’t sell it to a major label. So they borrowed $2,500 to press the record themselves and founded a small label called Bellmark Records to distribute it. The song took off immediately, hitting the Billboard Top 10 and has been a staple at sports arenas ever since.

Close Call:
Another rap group, 95 South, recorded “Whoot, There It Is” and actually released it a month earlier. So why did Tag Team’s song hit the big time and not 95 South’s? According to
Rolling Stone
’s Tracy Hopkins, “Tag Team’s version had more crossover appeal. 95 South’s chorus of ‘Tell me where the booty at/Whoot, there it is!’ was just too raunchy.”

The Artist:
Julia Ward Howe

The Song:
“Battle Hymn of the Republic” (1862)

The Story:
At the onset of the Civil War, Howe was riding through the streets of Washington, D.C., with her husband one warm summer night, watching Union troops prepare for battle. One group of men was sitting outside an inn singing a sad folk song that began “John Brown’s body lies a-mouldering in the grave.” Howe couldn’t sleep that night. She couldn’t get the tune out of her head. So she tried to think about more uplifting words, and out came:

Q: Why is September 28 special? A: It’s Ask A Stupid Question Day. Thanks for asking!

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord;

He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored…

Inspired, she got out of bed and stayed up all night finishing the lyrics. A few days later, Howe brought the lyrics to her friend James T. Fields, the editor of
Atlantic Monthly
. He featured the song in the magazine, where it caught the eye of President Lincoln. Lincoln loved it so much that he adopted “Battle Hymn of the Republic” as the theme song of the Union army.

Irony:
“Dixie,” the theme song adopted by Confederate troops, was written by a northerner, Daniel Decatur Emmett, who had never even visited the South.

The Artist:
Bob Dylan

The Song:
“Like a Rolling Stone” (1965)

The Story:
Bob Dylan was fed up with the music business—he was tired of the grueling road schedule, shady promoters, and pressure to keep churning out hit after hit. So in 1965 he hid away in a little cabin in Woodstock, New York, to regroup. He recounted his experience in the book
Bob Dylan: Behind the Shades.

I’d literally quit playing and singing, and I found myself writing this song, this story, this long piece of vomit about twenty pages long, and out of it I took “Like a Rolling Stone.”…The first two lines, which rhymed “kiddin’ you” with “didn’t you” just knocked me out.

Dylan was so impressed with the song that he came out of hiding to record it. It was the first single from his seminal album
Highway 61 Revisited
and began the second chapter of his legendary career. Not only was it Dylan’s first top 10 hit, peaking at #2, but it was also the first song over six minutes long to reach the Billboard Top 40.

*        *        *

CELEBRITY GOSSIP

O. J. Simpson was originally cast for the title role in the movie
The Terminator
but was ultimately rejected because, according to a studio executive, “People would never have believed a nice guy like O. J. could play the part of a ruthless killer.”

Cyndi Lauper’s 1984 hit “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” was written by a man.

DIVORCE, PROSPECTOR-STYLE

When our friend Jeff Cheek dug up this nugget and asked us to assay its value for bathroom reading, we said, “Eureka! It’s a gold mine!”

Y
OU’RE ALL MINE

John Howard was a prospector in Colorado in the 1860s. When his wife, Mary E. Howard, sued for divorce, John did not contest it. He was unfamiliar with civil law but as a prospector, was well-versed in mining laws. So to make sure that he was completely free of his former wife (and maybe to get a laugh), he sent the Denver City Court of Chancery a “quit-claim” deed to his wife. And he courteously left a blank space for any future husband to fill in his name, if Mary ever remarried.

To the Plaintiff in the above entitled action:

Know all them (and one woman) by these presents, that I, John Howard, of Canon City, of the first part, do hereby give, grant, bargain, convey, and quit-claim, all my right, title and interest in the following (un) real estate, to wit:

The undivided whole of that ancient estate known as Mary Howard (the title of which I acquired by discovery, occupancy, possession and use), situated at present in the town of Denver, Jefferson Territory, together with all the improvements made and erected by me whereon, with al1 the rents, profits, easements, enjoyments, long suffering and appurtenances thereto in anywise appertaining, unto ___________________ of the second part, to have and to hold unto the said _________________ so long as he can keep her, without recourse upon the grantor or endorser.

In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand, and seal, this, the 24th of January 1861.

Signed, JOHN HOWARD

Signed in the presence of A. Rudd, Clerk of District Court

(No word on whether Mrs. Howard was a gold digger.)

Most toilets flush in E flat; most electric razors buzz in B flat. (English razors buzz in G.)

Q & A: ASK THE EXPERTS

More random questions, with answers from the nation’s top trivia experts.

O
H, DO I HAVE A HEADACHE

Q:
How do woodpeckers avoid brain damage after hitting their heads against trees all day?

A:
“The force generated by the woodpecker pecking does not pass through its braincase—it travels along the bird’s upper jaw, which connects below the brain and allows shock to dissipate throughout the bird’s entire body. Naturally, some of the blow does reverberate back into the cranium, but since the woodpecker’s brain surface area is relatively large, the impact is absorbed as a slap, not a punch. And because the avian skull fits tightly around its bird brain—like a bicycle helmet—it prevents internal bruising. Every bit of cushioning helps: According to experts, the acceleration force felt by a common acorn woodpecker measures between 600 and 1,200 g’s—enough that its eyeballs would literally pop out on impact if it didn’t blink.” (From
The Wild File
, by Brad Wetzler)

A MARK OF DE-STINK-SHUN

Q:
Why does sweat leave a yellowish stain?

A:
“The most likely culprits are body secretions called apocrine sweat and sebum, the oily secretion of the sebaceous glands, although deodorants and antiperspirants may also play a role.

“The underarms are rich in apocrine sweat glands, which produce milky secretions. Apocrine sweat contains many chemicals, including the acidic substances that produce underarm odor.

“The sebaceous glands are usually associated with hair follicles. Cells filled with fatty droplets die and burst, providing lubrication for the skin and hair. When the oils are exposed to air, they oxidize, turning yellowish, and if not quickly removed by laundering, they can permanently yellow clothing. Sebaceous glands at the back of the neck cause ‘ring around the collar.’” (From
The N.Y. Times Second Book of Science Questions and Answers
, by Claiborne Ray)

Be careful! Every 45 seconds, a house catches fire in the United States.

THE ANSWER IS BLOWIN’ IN THE WIND

Q:
Where does wind come from?

A:
“Wind is the movement of a mass of air, caused by differences in pressure in the atmosphere. A wind always flows from a high- to a low-pressure area, trying to equal out the pressure. Picture the air in a balloon, which is at higher pressure than the air outside. Puncture it: the air rushes out, from the high to the low area of pressure.

“Over the equator is a band of low pressure, and over each of the poles is a band of high pressure. There are alternating bands of high and low pressure over the rest of the planet, and they control wind direction. These patterns, and the effect of the Earth spinning on its axis, create winds which blow east and west, not north and south.” (From
What Makes the World Go Round?
, by Jinny Johnson)

LOSE YOUR BLUES

Q:
How does bleach get clothes white?

A:
“Most laundry bleaches are oxidizing agents. In the washing machine they release free-roving molecules of sodium hypochlorite or peroxide. The color of a stain or spot is made up of a group of atoms and molecules linked together by a pattern of double and single bonds. The oxidizing agent tears into those bonds, destroying the bond pattern and fading the color or changing it completely to white. The stain is still there, albeit invisible, until detergent and the agitation of the machine lift most of it off.