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Authors: Bathroom Readers Institute

Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader

BOOK: Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader
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Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader
Bathroom Readers Institute
Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader
Bathroom Readers Institute

Uncle John’s

UNSTOPPABLE

BATHROOM
READER

By the
Bathroom Readers’
Institute

Bathroom Readers’ Press
Ashland, Oregon

OUR “REGULAR” READERS RAVE!

“Thank you for helping me get an ‘A’ in my college speech class. We had to do an impromptu tribute speech and I chose
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
for my subject. I actually made my professor laugh all through the speech.”


CeCe R.

“Several years ago, for Father’s Day, we sent my Dad a gift certificate to a book store. He purchased a
Bathroom Reader
. We continued to send gift certificates; he continued to buy
Bathroom Readers
. When he passed away last year, my mom gave me his collection. He had 7. Since then, I’ve started buying more volumes. My son, Mitchell, even bought
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader For Kids Only
with his own money. Now three generations of my family enjoy your books.”


Mark A.

“I received an e-mail from your staff welcoming me to the BRI family. It said if I wanted to be flushed, I should tell you. Never—and I say never—flush me. Thanks to your books I keep my friends amazed with the info I know. I give you credit for teaching me more stuff then I learned in school.”


Brendan

“It’s perfect for any occasion. When we needed a house warming gift, we got an
Uncle John’s
. When we needed Christmas presents, we gave
Uncle John’s
. We were invited to a birthday party for three men and needed gifts for all three. Not knowing what they liked or needed, we bought three
Bathroom Readers
! The response?… They can’t stop talking about it. Thank you.”


John J.

“You’re the best thing to happen to the reading room since indoor plumbing and store-bought tissue (them cornhusks can get mighty rough you know!) Keep up the good work and Go with the Flow!”


Rick B.

UNCLE JOHN’S UNSTOPPABLE

BATHROOM READER®

Copyright © 2003 by The Bathroom Readers’ Press (a division of Portable Press). All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. “Bathroom Reader” and “Bathroom Readers’ Institute” are registered trademarks of Baker & Taylor. All rights reserved.
For information, write

The Bathroom Readers’ Institute,

P.O. Box 1117, Ashland, OR 97520

www.bathroomreader.com

888-488-4642

Cover design by Michael Brunsfeld,

San Rafael, CA (
[email protected]
).

BRI “technician” on back cover: Larry Kelp.

Uncle John’s

Unstoppable Bathroom Reader
®

by The Bathroom Readers’ Institute

ISBN-13: 978-1-60710-606-7

E-book edition: February 2012

* * * * *

“What’s the Number for 911 Again?,” © 2001 by Leland H. Gregory. Visit
www.realwacky.com
for actual, stupid 911 calls as well as to purchase his audio CD,
Wacky 911
, and his previous book,
What’s the Number for 911?
Used by permission from the author and Andrews McMeel Publishing, 4520 Main St., Kansas City, MO 64111.

THANK YOU!

The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.

Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Jay Newman
Jennifer
Jeff Altemus
Julia Papps
Thom Little
Jahnna Beecham
Sharilyn Hovind
Michael Brunsfeld
Brian Henry
Angela Kern
Lori Larson
Sam Javna
Sydney Stanley
Gideon Javna
Jim McCluskey
Alan Reder
Janet Spencer
Malcolm Hillgartner
Maggie McLaughlin
Amanda Wilson
Allen Orso
Mike Nicita
Georgine Liedell
JoAnn Padgett
Dylan Drake
Paul Stanley
Jenny Baldwin
Barb Porshe
Paula Leith
Chris Olsen
Raingirl Thering
Joyce Slayton
Steve Pitt
Lyne Brennanski
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Bruce Carlson
David Harp
Nate Hendley
Scarab Media
John Javna
Marley & Catie Pratt
Thomas Crapper

*        *        *

THE BRI HONOR ROLL
(Our most diligent contributors
)

Steve Sutherland • Jim de Graff • Aaron Allermann • Nate Nathanson Shari Mikaelsson • Richard Cranston II • Beth Scribble • Dean Bliss David Crumpler • Max L. Israel • Sara Cole • Artemio Visaya Richard Staples • And a special thanks to Eddie Deezen

Hiya Sophie! Hiya Jessie!

CONTENTS

Because the BRI understands your reading needs, we’ve divided the contents by length as well as subject.
Short
—a quick read
Medium
—2 to 3 pages
Long—for those extended visits, when something a little more involved is required
*Extended
—for those leg-numbing experiences

BATHROOM NEWS

Short

Bathroom News

Happy Toilets

Medium

Uncle John’s Stall of Fame

Let’s Play Toilet Golf

File Under “Underwear”

Toilet Tech

The Doo-Doo Man

Uncle John’s Stall of Shame

Long

This Old (Out)house

The Outhouse Detectives

THE NAME GAME

Short

Fun With Names

Medium

Name That Sleuth

Name That Country

Founding Fathers

Founding (
hic!
) Fathers

A BLUNDERFUL LIFE

Short

What’s the Number for 911?

Medium

Oops!

Crème de la Crud

Fabulous Flops

Curtains!

Oops!

World-Class Losers

MYTHS & LEGENDS

Short

Not What They Seem to Be

Myth-Conceptions

Medium

Hoaxmeister

Cat Tales

Urban Legends

You’ve Got Mail!

The Ice Worm Cometh

Long

Classic Publicity Stunts

Urban Legends

Coyote Rings the Wrong Bell

AMERICANA

Short

Divorce, Prospector-Style

The Way of the Hobo

Medium

Filthy Water People

The Dustbin of History

Chair-leaders

Long

Land of the Giants

Free With Purchase

BUSINESS

Short

(B)Ad Promotions

Pleased to Meat You

Medium

Space, Inc

Uncle John’s Second Favorite Roll

Weird-Mart

Funny Business

The Bigger They Are

Long

At the Auction

*
The Worst Business Decision in U.S. History

FORGOTTEN HISTORY

Short

Things You Didn’t Know About WWII

Management Expects

Medium

The Mad Bomber, Part I

The Mad Bomber, Part II

Long

The Great Brinks Robbery

The Lady of the Lines

Intrepid: Master Spy

*
The French Foreign Legion

ORIGINS

Short

Household Origins

Medium

True Glue

Everyday Objects

Jumping for Joy

Long

How Paper Became Money, Part I

How Paper Became Money, Part II

PHRASES & WORD ORIGINS

Short

Word Origins

Medium

Familiar Phrases

Tawk O’ Da Town

Familiar Phrases

Word Origins

ANIMALS

Short

Chicken Nuggets

The Bugs and the Bees

The Cat’s Meow

Medium

Die-Hard Chicken

Animal Name Origins

Heroic Birds

Long

Kibble Me This

CUSTOMS & SUPERSTITIONS

Short

Wedding Trivia

Animal Superstitions

Cure For What Ails Ye

Food Superstitions

Medium

Maneki Neko

Card-Playing Superstitions

Now They Tell Us

FOOD FOR THOUGHT

Short

Icky Licky Sticks

How to Cook a Porcupine

Medium

Today’s Menu

What’s A Jeraboam?

Long

Birth of the Bagel

LAW & ORDER

Short

Dumb Crooks of the Old West

Go Directly to Jail

Dumb Crooks

Medium

Celebrity Lawsuits

Strange Lawsuits

Dumb Crooks

Real Toys of the CIA

Celebrity Lawsuits

Strange Lawsuits

Long

*
The Federal Witness Protection Program

Not-So-Wiseguys

LIFE IS STRANGE

Short

Lonely Phone Booth

Phone Phunnies

Medium

You Call This Art?

It’s a Weird, Weird World

Lucky Finds

Weird Canada

I Got It Back!

The Santa Chronicles

It’s a Weird, Weird World

Ironic, Isn’t It?

This Is…UJNN

Long

Revenge!

IT’S A CONSPIRACY!

Short

Conspiracy Theory

Medium

The Paranoid’s Field Guide to Secret Societies

Long

Moon Scam?

*
Who Killed Jimi Hendrix?

THAT’S DEATH

Short

Famous Last Words

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