Uncle John’s Unstoppable Bathroom Reader (61 page)

Update:
For years everyone assumed that ice worms were just a figment of White’s imagination, but scientists recently claimed to have found real evidence of the existence of ice worms living inside Alaskan glaciers. No word on whether or not they chirp.

PRINCESS CARABOO

Background:
One spring morning in 1817, a strange woman strolled into Almondsbury, England. She was five-foot-two and stunning, wearing a black shawl twisted like a turban around her head. She spoke a language no one could understand and had to use gestures to communicate. In those days a homeless woman roaming the street was usually tossed in the poorhouse, so the stranger was directed to see the Overseer of the Poor. But instead of sending her to the poorhouse, he sent her to stay at the home of Samuel Worrall, the county magistrate.

Days later a Portuguese sailor arrived at the Worrall household claiming to speak Caraboo’s bizarre language. He translated as Caraboo revealed her secret past: she was no homeless beggar—she was a princess from the island of Javasu. Pirates had kidnapped her and carried her across the ocean, but as they sailed through the English Channel, Caraboo jumped ship and swam ashore.

Q: What was
Queen Anne’s Revenge
? A: The name of Blackbeard’s pirate ship.

What Happened:
The Worralls informed the local press and soon all England knew of Princess Caraboo. And for weeks, Caraboo was treated royally…until her former employer came forward.

A woman named Mrs. Neale had recognized the newspaper description of “Princess Caraboo” as her former servant, Mary Baker, a cobbler’s daughter. The giveaway: Baker had often entertained Mrs. Neale’s children by speaking a nonsense language. “Caraboo” reluctantly confessed to the fraud she and the “sailor” had perpetrated.

Amazingly, Mrs. Worrall took pity on Caraboo and gave her enough money to sail to Philadelphia. Seven years later she returned to England and made a living selling leeches to the Infirmary Hospital in Bristol.

CROSS-DRESSING KEN

Background:
In July 1990, Carina Guillot and her 12-year-old daughter, Jocelyn, were shopping at a Toys “R” Us in Florida. As they strolled up and down the store aisles, they caught a glimpse of a peculiar-looking Ken doll. Sealed inside of a cardboard package was Barbie’s friend Ken, dressed in a purple tank top and a polka-dotted skirt with a lace apron. As doll collectors, the Guillots immediately knew this one was out of the ordinary and brought it to the front register for closer inspection. Employees determined that the doll hadn’t been tampered with and was indeed a genuine Mattel original. The Guillots purchased it for $8.99.

What Happened:
Word of the “cross-dressing Ken” quickly hit the national media circuit. Newspapers wrote about it; TV talk shows talked about it. Collectors made outrageous bids of up to $4,000 for it. But the Guillots wouldn’t sell. Instead they kept the doll long enough for the truth to come out of the closet. Finally, a night clerk at the store, Ron Zero, came forward and confessed to the prank. Apparently Zero had dressed Ken up in Barbie’s clothes and then carefully resealed the package with white glue. Toys “R” Us fired him four days later.

Chinese food? Most of the egg rolls sold in the U.S. are made in Houston.

MORE DIAMOND GEMS

Another collection of fantastic baseball feats. If you like these you can find more in
Who Was Traded for Lefty Grove?
by Mike Attiyeh
.

H
E
WHAT
?

In 1960 Stan “The Man” Musial of the St. Louis Cardinals did something almost unheard of in today’s world of professional sports. After receiving one of baseball’s biggest ever contracts—$100,000 a year—in 1958, Musial had a subpar year in 1959 (he failed to bat above .310 for the first time in his 17-year career). So he demanded—and received—a $20,000 pay cut.

BUSY DAY

Mets center fielder Joel Youngblood showed up at Wrigley Field in Chicago on August 4, 1982, having no idea he was about to make history. In the third inning, he hit a two-run single off the Cubs’ Ferguson Jenkins. The following inning, he was told that he’d been traded to the Montreal Expos—and that they were waiting for him. So he packed his stuff and caught a plane to Philadelphia. He joined the Expos’ lineup late in the game and singled off Phillies ace Steve Carlton. Youngblood made the record books for being on two different teams, batting against two future Hall of Famers, and getting hits off both of them…all on the same day.

BET ON PETE

He may have had a gambling problem off the field, but on the field, Pete Rose was a gambler’s best friend. Rose has the distinction of being on the winning side in more games than any other player in baseball history: 2,011 games.

IN LIKE A LION, OUT LIKE A LAMB

When most fans hear the words “Red Sox” and the date “1986,” only one thing comes to mind: the infamous ball that went through Bill Buckner’s legs, which cost them game 6 of the World Series, which the “cursed” Red Sox then lost in game 7. But the Red Sox season started on a positive note. For the only time in major-league history, Dwight Evans hit the very first pitch of the baseball season over the fence for a home run.

Full moon? We see a man in the moon; other cultures see a woman, an ape, or a rabbit.

FROM A TO Z

Hank Aaron holds arguably the game’s most coveted record: 755 career home runs. He comes in first in another category as well: alphabetically. Of the more than 15,000 players in the history of the game, Aaron’s name comes first. (In case you were wondering, Dutch Zwilling of the 1910 Chicago White Sox comes last.)

HE COULDN’T KETCH UP

Joe DiMaggio’s 56-game hitting streak in 1941 is another one of professional sport’s most revered records. But it fell one hit short of landing “Joltin’ Joe” a $10,000 sports endorsement. The Heinz Ketchup company was all set to pay DiMaggio to endorse their Heinz 57 Sauce…if the streak went to 57 games. But on July 17, 1941, thanks to stellar plays by Cleveland Indians third baseman Ken Keltner, DiMaggio went 0 for 3, so the streak ended at 56 games. One Heinz exec was quoted as saying, “I’ll be damned if I’m going to change the name to Heinz 56 Sauce!”

KEEPING HIS EYES ON THE BALL

Ted Williams’s biggest goal in life was to have people say, “There goes Ted Williams, the greatest hitter who ever lived.” Knowing that eyesight was every bit as important to hitting as strength and speed, “Terrible Ted” went to great lengths to protect his peepers. He never read in a moving vehicle, and never chewed gum because it “made his pupils move up and down.”

RECORD COLLECTOR

So who holds the record for the most records in baseball? Nolan Ryan. Arguably the game’s best hurler, Ryan pitched in the big leagues from 1966 to 1993. When he retired, he owned or shared more than 40 American League and National League records.

*        *        *

“Managing a team is like holding a dove in your hand. Squeeze too hard and you kill it, not hard enough and it flies away.”

—Tommy Lasorda,
manager, Los Angeles Dodgers

Literature quiz: What are Dr. Jekyll’s and Mr. Hyde’s first names? A. George and Charles.

A PIG IN PINK TIGHTS

We invited our legion of BRI members to enter our original limerick contest. Their humor and creativity bowled us over. Here are the winners
.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

I used to hate having to go,
I was so very bored, you know.
But when I got the
Reader
,
My visits got sweeter,
Now I’m hoping my “business” is slow.

—Charlie Lopez

There once was a pig in pink tights.
He wanted his name up in lights,
So he held up his nose
and danced on his toes
’Til the farmer made bacon one night.

—Martin Slate

I’m known for my sparkling wit.
So when I need a trivial tidbit
It doesn’t take long
’Cause I’ve got Uncle John
I just couldn’t make doo without it!

—Jonathan Gewirtz

A wicked young woman from Yop
Thought TP should roll from the top.
It tore her marriage asunder
(Hubby rolled his from
under
).
At least that’s what she said to the cop.

—Warren Blair

F
ind in these lines what I see
A
nd then you’ll understand me
C
an’t find it yet?
T
oo early to fret
S
top reading across. Read vertically.

—Paul Ferro

I sob, I weep, I shed a tear.
No one can help—my fate is clear.
Although I must grieve
I just cannot leave;
For the paper’s gone. I’m stuck in here.

—Carolyn Wright

There once was a cow who said, “Moo.
I really don’t have much to do.
I stand here all day,
And chew on some hay,
And then chew it again when I’m through.”

—Carolyn Martinez

Said his wife, “It’s addictive, I’ve heard,
But to take quite this long is absurd.
He’s been locked in the john,
Since before August one,
And now it’s November the third.”

—Philip Lynch

AND THE WINNER IS…

i never did two good in scool
i always apeered such a fool
so i bought a p.c.
just for spellcheck, you see
but i can’t turn it on. oh how crule!

—Danielle Garvey

The closest black hole, known as V4641 Sgr, is 1,600 light years from Earth.

A LOT TO LOSE

Overweight, but tired of dieting? More and more celebrities—and regular folks—are opting to forgo dieting and exercise in favor of a shortcut way to lose weight: surgery. (Would Uncle John ever have weight-loss surgery? Fat chance.
)

S
HARON OSBOURNE

Top Weight:
225 pounds
Last Splurge:
All the chocolate she could eat

Big Loser:
The wife of heavy-metal star Ozzy Osbourne was used to her husband being in the spotlight, but when she became a star of MTV’s reality show
The Osbournes
, the spotlight suddenly focused on her. She became more conscious about her looks than ever before, especially her weight. As it crept up over 200 pounds, Osbourne, a confessed chocoholic, decided to turn to a type of weight-loss surgery called vertical banded gastroplasty (VGB).

The surgeon implants a silicone band around the top part of the stomach, reducing the pocket of the stomach and, in turn, restricting the amount of food a person can eat before feeling full. Osbourne says if she hadn’t had the operation she’d weigh “500 pounds and be in a wheelchair.” Today she weighs about 130 pounds.

AL ROKER

Top Weight:
320 pounds

Last Splurge:
Multiple steaks, onion rings, Häagen-Dazs ice cream, Krispy Kreme donuts

Big Loser:
The weatherman on NBC’s
Today Show
said, “At a certain point I started eating and I never stopped.” Roker was a guy who ate Quarter-Pounders in pairs and donuts by the dozen. He tried diets and exercise programs, but couldn’t stick with them. Each time he lost weight, he’d eventually gain it back, along with an extra 10 pounds. When he tipped the scales at 320 pounds, “Fat Albert,” as the kids called him in his elementary school years, decided to take drastic action.

Roker turned to surgery to reduce his stomach from the size of a football to the size of a chicken egg. But Roker was embarrassed to admit he was getting the surgery: what if it didn’t work? He told everyone he was having his gallbladder removed, but what he really had was a procedure commonly called stomach stapling.

Ninety percent of the wildlife species on the island of Madagascar are found nowhere else.

Roux-en-Y Gastric Bypass is the official name for this procedure, after the Swiss surgeon who invented it, Dr. Cesar Roux. The stomach is separated into two parts with titanium staples. The upper part forms a small pouch. The lower stomach and first portion of the small intestine (duodenum) are bypassed by cutting the small intestine and connecting the lower section (jejunum) to the upper stomach. Food then passes directly into the jejunum. The tiny new stomach can only hold 5 to 10 bites of food at a time.

The operation worked. Roker went from eating 3,000 calories per day to 1,300. He’s lost 100 pounds and so far has experienced no downside to the surgery.

There
is
a side effect, however, called “Dumping Syndrome” that affects many patients who make the mistake of continuing the habit of eating foods too high in fat or sugar. The stomach contents move too quickly through the small intestine, resulting in such symptoms as nausea, weakness, sweating, and faintness. But as long as Roker sticks with a healthy food plan, this won’t happen to him.

Follow-up:
By the way, despite the “embarrassment,” Roker had his operation filmed…just in case there might be a story in it. Surprise: there was. Roker finally fessed up and
Dateline NBC
devoted an entire show to his adventures in weight loss.

CARNIE WILSON

Top Weight:
300+ pounds

Last Meal:
Avocado spring rolls, pasta with cream sauce, and cheesecake

Big Loser:
Wilson, daughter of Brian Wilson of Beach Boys fame, always struggled with her weight. Even when she was a member of the platinum-selling pop group Wilson Phillips, she fought the battle of the bulge. When taping the group’s music videos, Wilson says she was asked to stand behind potted plants or pillars. When the group broke up in 1993, Carnie’s weight ballooned to more than 300 pounds. Her blood pressure shot up, her cholesterol was high, she was short of breath—and she was only 31 years old.