Uncross My Heart (28 page)

“Father, the woman I was seeing when I was at Berkeley years ago. I loved her then and I let you control me and destroy that because I didn’t have the courage of my convictions. I’ve always wanted to ask you…did you pay her or just threaten her to get her to betray me?”

He looked at me with more clarity than I could remember in years and said, “I saved your career.”

I thought about that for a moment, all anger long flushed through my system, and merely nodded.
Of course, to a military man, that would
be everything. In his mind, what more could he do for me?

As I walked to the parking lot, it became clear that I had to talk to her, the woman of my youth, the woman whose image was the icon of sin. The woman my father had chased away. I knew exactly in what city she lived. I’d made it a point to know.

I went back to my farm. Viv was still at work and I dug around in my desk until I found her Dallas phone number. I had Googled it off and on over the years to see if she was still there. I went outside on the back porch overlooking the farm and rang her number, my heart pounding.

The woman’s voice on the other end of the line sounded weaker than I remembered.

“Jeannette, this is Alexandra Westbrooke.” For a moment I didn’t think she would speak, but would simply hang up.

“Well, how are you?” she finally asked in a friendly but dispassionate tone, as one might inquire of a near stranger.

“I’m fine,” I said, as she asked me all the perfunctory questions about my life.

“I heard you became a priest,” she said. “That’s wonderful.”

“Odd, don’t you think, in light of what you and I did together at Berkeley?”

“Oh, the marches. Yes, my son couldn’t believe his mom was a wild protestor.” The word “Wilde” popped into my head and I saw Viv’s face.

After ten minutes of banal conversation, I finally worked up to my reason for calling.

“Jeannette, I have a question I’ve always wanted to ask. I know it’s been years, but when my father stepped in and—”

“Oh, Alexandra, don’t ask me anything hard. It’s been such a long time—”

“I know. But you and I were together—”

“We were wonderful friends—”

“We were more than friends. We slept together.” Silence like the blanket thrown over a cage to quiet a squawking bird.

“We were just young and it was a crazy time and—”

“What did my father say to you to get you to deny what we had—”

“Your father was just like my Jake. He’s so protective of his sons. He’d do anything—”

“Please tell me what he said.”

“He said nothing, Alexandra. There was nothing to say because nothing really happened.” Her denial was so complete that I was certain she believed it.
Nothing really happened.
And although I knew it was long past dawn, I thought I heard a cock crow from a distant farm.

“It was so long ago, it’s like a dream to me,” she continued. “My life is so full now with my kids and my first grandbaby. In fact, I’m on the way to meet my daughter-in-law to shop for the baby shower.” That was my cue, and I thanked her and told her good-bye.

I had carried the image of this event, of this woman, branded on my soul for decades. The love, the anger, the hate, the remorse, the longing.

And now it was washed away like footprints in the sand. It meant so much to me and, seemingly, only me. My father saw it as a career point and Jeannette seemed not to see it at all. What had happened?

Time. Time had changed it all, just as I told my students. What was horrific, heart-rending, unacceptable was now not even worth a serious discussion. I had opened the luggage I’d carried with me for years and years, only to find it completely empty.

Three weeks later I awoke to the morning of my installation as chancellor of Claridge. It was a small version of what the president of the United States must feel, being one minute a rather ordinary citizen and the next the most honored leader.

“Did you sleep?” Viv asked, kissing me.

“Little bit. I was nervous.”

“You’ll be great.” She slid her beautiful hand down my legs, making me moan.

“I was thinking about my conversation with Jeannette. The woman at Berkeley years ago.”

“You called her, why?” Viv stared at me, a little jealousy visible in her eyes.

“She was frozen in time for me. She represented the most frightening, embarrassing, painful, and heartbreaking moment of my young life.”

“Wow, how can I ever top that?”

“You know you have, in the most wonderful way. But she was my betrayal. She denied ever having any affection for me.”

“What did she tell you when you asked her about that?” Viv laid her head on my chest.

“She couldn’t remember it and had to go to a baby shower.”

Viv’s laugh was low and sexy. “Must not have been as good for her.” At my hurt look she patted me. “I’m teasing. Goes to show you, though, doesn’t it? Most guilt, angst, fear—it’s all in our heads.”

“What about sex?”

“That too…and some other thrilling places.”

“Do you think I’m the first chancellor to make love hours before being installed?”

“Oh, honey, a few have done it on site.” She laughed at my shocked look and bounded off the bed, demanding that we hit the shower and greet this important day.

A short time later, I stood before her in a beautiful vestment, my hair and makeup in place, seeming even to me like I might know what the hell I was doing.

“How do I look?”

“Very sexy.”

“Robes aren’t supposed to be sexy.”

“Well, on you they are.” She hugged me and her fingers caught in the rope braiding around my middle. “Except for this fashion nightmare you tie around your waist—what is it?”

“A cincture. Symbolizing purity and chastity.”

“Well, darling, you can hang that up.” Her dry delivery made me laugh. “And the robes, so they don’t wrinkle before we get there.”

I disrobed, kissing her. Then suddenly I slid my gold signet ring off and slipped it on her ring finger, where it appeared to have been made for her. Her shocked expression thrilled me. “Because of you I have the courage to love openly and to become chancellor. You’re the fighting queen more than I.” Tears welled up in her eyes and she put her arms around me and kissed me, nearly melting me and rendering me mindless as I began unfastening the tiny French buttons that lined the front of her black suit jacket.

“We have to go, darling, or you’ll be late,” she whispered as I put my lips on her beautiful neck and kissed my way down to her breasts, then moaned as she fended me off. “Come on. I’ll drive, you fret.” She took the keys from me, and we hugged Ketch good-bye and got in the car.

“Omigod, when I come back, I’ll be chancellor.”

“Don’t you know there are some people on campus having a conniption over that?”

“Try not to sound so gleeful,” I said.

“What will be your first official act?”

“Hiring Eleonor back. She makes me laugh, and God knows I’ll need that.”

We pulled into the parking lot, and I could see across the commons various groups of people welcoming me and others marching with protest signs. A media truck was parked in the center of the parking lot, and I was grateful we were in Viv’s BMW and not my easily recognizable Mustang. I redirected her around to the admin building and the private spaces reserved for the chancellor and board.

“It’s a circus,” I whispered.

“Of course. You’re rocking the establishment. Doesn’t it feel good? Think back to your Berkeley days, when you prayed for crowds like this.”

“I was younger then.”

“And the sex wasn’t as good,” she said, ranking herself.

“No, darling, the sex wasn’t nearly as good.”

We slipped into the back of the chapel and I kissed Viv good-bye as I entered to change into my liturgical garb. “Okay, no making faces at me, and sit where you can see the crowd reaction so you can tell me later.”

“Do you have your notes?” she asked.

“Yes.”

“I love you, Reverend darling, and you’ll be smashing. Here.”

She took the black onyx cross my mother had worn, that I had thrown down in her front lawn, and put it in my hand. “Your mom marvels, I’m sure, at everything you’ve accomplished. But don’t wear it. A cross is a burden and He carried it so you don’t have to.”

Tears welled up as Viv kissed me again and left quickly. I placed my hand on the big red Bible sitting on the countertop and said a prayer.

God, make me the best that I can be. Make me a positive influence on
all that come in contact with me. Make me an agent of change. And… 
thank you sooooo much for Vivienne.
I smiled as I prayed.

Dennis came barreling through the door and hugged me.

“Can you even believe this? Only weeks ago voted most unlikely to succeed as chancellor. It’s meant to be. It’s God’s will. There’s no other explanation for why a…a—”

“Careful, I’m the future chancellor.”

“But you’re not yet…a horny woman of wild ideals—”

“Dennis.”

He burst out laughing. “I’m just so happy for you.”

“You have to help me, you know.”

“I will. I will.”

“How do I look?”

“Chancellorish. I’m going to the front of the chapel to greet and seat.”As Dennis left, Margaret Thurgood entered, wearing a suit that looked like it cost my entire year’s salary.

“Well, well, well. How do you feel?” she asked.

“Nervous.”

“This is the easy part. After this come the waves of controversy and hatred and whatever else mankind can muster in the wake of human progress.”

“I feel better already.” I grinned. “Will you ever come for dinner? Viv has a house in town.”

“I might.”

“Good.”

“Well, what do you religious types say…God bless?” She shrugged endearingly.

“We say thank you, Margaret, for giving everyone a chance to feel better about themselves.”

I held out my hand and she took it. We stayed that way for a moment.

“I’m allergic to fish,” she said. My mind flashed on the symbol Christians often put on the back of their cars. At my confused expression, she added, “In case I come to dinner.”

“I’ll remember that,” I said, and she went out into the chapel.

* * *

The installation ceremony was a mix of religion and business. After prayers, hymns, introductions, and explanations, I was introduced and took a moment at the pulpit to just breathe and scan the crowd. Finally, I gave them a big, relaxed smile, determined that the furrowed faces of religion would not be seen in this administration.

“I am the least likely person on this earth to be chancellor. Already there is a rumor on the board that they will try to overthrow me. I am a polarizing element, a threat to the norm, the most controversial person you can think of—with the exception of, perhaps, Jesus. A man who stood up for women in a time when women were nothing. A man who talked about a father, and a son, and a ghost. How controversial was Moses? Took a trip to a mountain and had a conversation with fire, basically. How controversial is Mary and the Virgin Birth? I’m not telling you what to believe about Jesus, Mary, or Moses. But I am saying that the church was built around controversial people and topics.

I am just another tiny variation of controversy. I am here to challenge your tolerance, your love, and your staying power. You will hear that I’m a practicing lesbian. Well, I’m at an age where I no longer practice.

I’ve pretty much got it down.” For the first time there were titters of laughter.

“I would like to ask my significant other to stand, please. Vivienne Wilde. She’s lovely and talented and somewhat of a celebrity. She gave this school quite a challenge for a while, until I converted her.” More laughter.

“When I was offered this job, I almost rejected it because I worried that I wasn’t worthy because my lifestyle is different. I decided to take the position of chancellor because, by doing so, I stand for what I personally believe God stands for. Love. If there’s one thing I think God would have me do, it is love. And I have chosen to do that by speaking, teaching, leading this school, and by sharing my love with you…and with her.

“This will not be an easy road for any of us, but we are breaking new ground in the religious community of the world by working together. I don’t know at this juncture if the entire Anglican Church will ever support my beliefs, but I will always support yours, as your chancellor.”

I spoke for only ten minutes, and at the end of that the crowd slowly stood—at first a few and then others, until the room was on its feet and the applause rang in my ears. I could see Viv’s smiling face as she blew a kiss at me, and Margaret’s face as she assessed the room, determining where her enemies lay and how successful we were. I had no doubt that she was formidable in battle, and I was glad she was on my side.

I asked Viv to stand with me at the door, one arm around her as I shook hands and hugged people and many hugged her. I felt whole.

Sally came up to embrace me, then stepped back as if to size both of us up.“Très cool. This is the best. I’m telling my parents,” she said.

Don’t on my account,
I thought, but maintained equanimity.

Gladys Irons waited till the very end before approaching me and eying Vivienne, perhaps with some jealousy, I thought, but then quickly dismissed the idea.

“What kind of school is this going to be?” Gladys whimpered, having apparently overheard Sally’s comments. “You don’t realize that we’ll be overrun with lesbians enrolling and gay ministers.”

“I don’t think so, Gladys.”

“I do. I am putting you on warning, Alexandra. As much as I care for you, I’m going to speak my mind—I’m going to protest if that starts occurring. I’ll go directly to Margaret Thurgood personally.”

“You have to do what your mind, soul, and body tell you is right, Gladys. I understand.” I refused to let her upset my day.

“My body is telling me it would like to take you home and rip your robes off,” Viv said, I believed intentionally loud enough for Gladys to hear. Gladys’s irises became pinpoints in a sea of white eyeball, and she covered her mouth to stifle an involuntary gasp and fled.