Undead and Unwary
Authors: MaryJanice Davidson
Titles by MaryJanice Davidson
UNDEAD AND UNWED
UNDEAD AND UNEMPLOYED
UNDEAD AND UNAPPRECIATED
UNDEAD AND UNRETURNABLE
UNDEAD AND UNPOPULAR
UNDEAD AND UNEASY
UNDEAD AND UNWORTHY
UNDEAD AND UNWELCOME
UNDEAD AND UNFINISHED
UNDEAD AND UNDERMINED
UNDEAD AND UNSTABLE
UNDEAD AND UNSURE
UNDEAD AND UNWARY
DERIK’S BANE
WOLF AT THE DOOR
SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES
SWIMMING WITHOUT A NET
FISH OUT OF WATER
Titles by MaryJanice Davidson and Anthony Alongi
JENNIFER SCALES AND THE ANCIENT FURNACE
JENNIFER SCALES AND THE MESSENGER OF LIGHT
THE SILVER MOON ELM: A JENNIFER SCALES NOVEL
SERAPH OF SORROW: A JENNIFER SCALES NOVEL
RISE OF THE POISON MOON: A JENNIFER SCALES NOVEL
EVANGELINA: A JENNIFER SCALES NOVEL
Anthologies
CRAVINGS
(with Laurell K. Hamilton, Rebecca York, Eileen Wilks)
BITE
(with Laurell K. Hamilton, Charlaine Harris, Angela Knight, Vickie Taylor)
KICK ASS
(with Maggie Shayne, Angela Knight, Jacey Ford)
MEN AT WORK
(with Janelle Denison, Nina Bangs)
DEAD AND LOVING IT
SURF’S UP
(with Janelle Denison, Nina Bangs)
MYSTERIA
(with P. C. Cast, Gena Showalter, Susan Grant)
OVER THE MOON
(with Angela Knight, Virginia Kantra, Sunny)
DEMON’S DELIGHT
(with Emma Holly, Vickie Taylor, Catherine Spangler)
DEAD OVER HEELS
MYSTERIA LANE
(with P. C. Cast, Gena Showalter, Susan Grant)
MYSTERIA NIGHTS
(includes
Mysteria
and
Mysteria Lane,
with P. C. Cast, Susan Grant, Gena Showalter)
UNDERWATER LOVE
(includes
Sleeping with the Fishes,
Swimming Without a Net,
and
Fish out of Water
)
DYING FOR YOU
UNDEAD AND UNDERWATER
THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP
Published by the Penguin Group
Penguin Group (USA) LLC
375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014
USA • Canada • UK • Ireland • Australia • New Zealand • India • South Africa • China
A Penguin Random House Company
This book is an original publication of The Berkley Publishing Group.
Copyright © 2014 by MaryJanice Davidson.
Penguin supports copyright. Copyright fuels creativity, encourages diverse voices, promotes free speech, and creates a vibrant culture. Thank you for buying an authorized edition of this book and for complying with copyright laws by not reproducing, scanning, or distributing any part of it in any form without permission. You are supporting writers and allowing Penguin to continue to publish books for every reader.
Berkley Sensation Books are published by The Berkley Publishing Group.
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The “B” design is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) LLC.
eBook ISBN: 978-1-101-60013-9
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Davidson, MaryJanice.
Undead and Unwary / MaryJanice Davidson.—First edition.
pages cm.—(Undead/Queen Betsy ; 13)
ISBN 978-0-425-26344-0 (hardback)
1. Taylor, Betsy (Fictitious character)—Fiction. 2. Vampires—Fiction. 3. Hell—Fiction. 4. Humorous fiction. 5. Paranormal romance stories. I. Title.
PS3604.A949U5277 2014
813'.6—dc23
FIRST EDITION: October 2014
Cover art by Don Sipley.
Cover design by Lesley Worrell.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.
The publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.
Version_1
For Benedict Cumberbatch, on whom I have the most undignified crush. So undignified I’m dedicating a romance novel to the man. The delicious, delicious man. Also, I was into this guy
way
before the
Star Trek
movie, unlike some of these Johnny-come-lately jerks. I stand ready to abandon my husband of two decades to be at his side. Also, I’m going to require role-play. Like, a
lot
of it. I’ll be his Moriarty. And his Kirk!
Anyway. This one’s for you, Ben! (In my fake relationship, I call him Ben when I’m happy with him and Dict when I’m not, like if he doesn’t want to go to Missouri to visit my folks, or didn’t pick up milk on the way home. This is a partnership, Dict. You have to meet me halfway.)
Author’s Note
The St. Paul Winter Carnival is a thing. They’ve been doing it for over a century, it pulls in almost a half million people a year, and the city makes millions. There really is a Snow Slide, a Queen of the Snows, an Annual Snow Stomp, a Moon Glow Pedestrian Parade, a blood drive, a castle, an outdoor baseball game, and beer.
My feelings on this phenomenon are mixed. On the one hand, I’m proud my fellow Minnesotans not only endure winter, they embrace it. Minnesotans
own
winter, okay? They have made winter their bitch. It is a glorious thing to see.
But, and not to be a traitor to my state, I don’t go near the festivities. I went once, and once was enough. It was cold. There was ice and snow all over the place, and the fact that it had been molded and/or sculpted into interesting things made it no less unbearably cold. Lines for hot beverages were torture (“I can see, I can see the steam rolling off the hot chocolate so close and yet so far and, ahhhhh, can’t this line move any faster? I can’t feel my face! I have not felt my face in half an hour! Oh, face, come baaaaaaack!”), most of the activities seem to be designed to make a person even colder, and I just . . . no. I admire the effort, and I want nothing to do with it. St. Paul Winter Carnival, I apologize. I just don’t get you.
Stoli Elit Himalayan Edition is also a thing. It really does come in a beautiful brown and gold bottle in a keepsake dark wooden box, and it really costs three thousand dollars. And on a list of most expensive vodkas in the world? Stoli doesn’t even come close. Man, if I have a few grand to burn, I’d never blow it on a bottle of vodka. I’d blow it on Coke and Funyuns.
Scribbling on babies with Sharpies is not cool. Seriously, just don’t. Even if they’re scented. Perhaps especially if they’re scented. The Sharpies, not the babies.
The state of Minnesota is shockingly cavalier about enforcing a timeline for its citizens to name newborn citizens.
The dreadful jigsaw puzzle Marc worked on can be found on Amazon and it’s actually called the World’s Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle. There are two kinds of people in the world: those who like jigsaw puzzles and those who hate and fear them. The World’s Most Difficult Jigsaw Puzzle is the thing of my nightmares. Proceed with caution.
Referring to Laura Goodman as the Anti-Antichrist isn’t mine;
TV Tropes
(tvtropes.org) did it first. And it was wonderful. I am filled with grinding envy that I didn’t think of it first. Grinding envy, however, provides the lubrication for my ambition. And, ugh, I just talked about lubricating myself.
I am determined to make
zangst
a thing.
The Game is a thing! One I lose all the time and, if you’re reading this, you have, too. Check it out here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Game_(mind_game).
The baggie of diamonds Betsy stumbles across are red diamonds, the rarest in the world. Also, am I the only one who thinks jewelers should just stop rhapsodizing about “Chocolate Diamonds”? Guys: they are brown. You’re selling rocks the color of mud. You are selling fancy gravel. Which is fine, but just . . . just own that, okay? Okay.
Silver Lamborghinis absolutely look like giant electric shavers. I’ve got nothing against the good people at Lamborghini (who are actually the good people at Volkswagen), but Betsy is quite right to mock Sinclair’s purchase.
I have nothing against Giada De Laurentiis. I think she is a lovely woman and a wonderful cook. I regret that my characters do not agree.
Finally, no matter how tempting it may be, faking your death is not cool, not least because of the inevitable paperwork nightmare.
Contents