Under the Cornerstone (36 page)

That shit’s on me. I know it and you know it. So, I stood by her side at the hospital knowing I’d have to break both of our hearts, because I would make her hate me if I kept asking her to trust in me and in the fact that she loves me. At least if I left now, I can hope she’d one day see what I did for her. I can only hope she understands that it isn’t what I wanted to do, but what I had to do for her. I was releasing my hold on her, the same hold she’d always have on me, but I didn’t want to be released from hers. I deserve to remember why I hurt every day.

Noe is fucking brilliant, gorgeous, and fun as fuck to be around. She’ll meet a guy, the right guy, and after a few years, he’ll propose. Hopefully by then, I’ll be back in the fold. Hopefully, I’ll be able to congratulate her while holding my tears back. Then they’ll get married, and hopefully we’re not at a point where she asks me to be in the wedding party. I can’t do that. I’ll never be at that point. Hopefully, we’re not at the point where she asks me to give her away, because I’ll sure as fuck never be able to do that either. One day she’ll have kids and hopefully we’ll be at a point where I can be “Uncle Johnny”, all the while wishing her kids were calling me daddy instead.

Noe will have a beautiful life. She doesn’t see it that way right now, but she will. While I’m living with the way she screamed after me in Los Angeles, at least one day she’ll be okay. She’ll be living a life I can never give her. And hopefully, she won’t always hate me.

She returned to Brooklyn with the help of Jimmy and she was supposed to move on with her life. She was supposed to be happy and pick up where she’d left off on her journey of self-discovery. She was happy living her life without me in it. She was moving on before I came back and interfered. She was okay before I drew her in and found every chance I could to make her mine again. I almost destroyed her, because some bitch I fucked got jealous and took a baseball bat to her. I had to walk away to protect her. I had to let her live her life and stop interfering. I loved her enough to let her go so she could do exactly that.

That’s not what happened. The guys were getting calls that she wasn’t letting anyone in. She wasn’t answering her phone. She wouldn’t leave her apartment and then a month later her landlord called to say she was a week late on rent, and that I was listed as her emergency contact. I immediately paid for it and together, we found out what other bills she had and made sure those were paid too.

God, Noe. You were supposed to go back and be an ordinary girl who didn’t constantly feel overshadowed by all my fuck-ups.

Jimmy flew to New York twice to see her, but she never let him in. The longer it went on, the more tension mounted between me and the band. I knew she wasn’t doing what I’d given her the opportunity to do. I’d broken her heart and she wasn’t letting me go. I tried to hold onto hope that she’d never really let me go because I’m selfish. I want her. I also tried to tell myself I was doing what was best for her.

As soon as we had a break in the tour, I broke into her apartment when she refused to let me in. The minute she swung that bat at me, I knew she was hurting far more than I could’ve ever imagined. Believe me when I say I knew she was fucking hurting.

I saw her with bags under her eyes and her hair was a mess. She was too thin and her skin didn’t have the usual glow to it. I underestimated how much damage I’d done, but when she called the cops on me, the message was loud and clear.

I broke back into her room that night and made her dance with me on the roof, and then I begged her not to leave me. I begged her to promise me we’d be okay. I begged her to be my friend, my rock again. All she could give me was “one day”.

I was miserable without her once again and we were constantly playing this tug-of-war between loving each other and hurting each other.

Then I fucked up again and tried to push my friendship with her at the studio. I just wanted to help her carry the goddamn pizzas. I wanted to spend a few moments alone with her, just in her space. She denied me that. I know why, but it doesn’t mean it hurt any less. When she returned with the pizzas she was still fuming with me. I thought she was going to hurl the boxes at me, but she threw them down on a table instead and left.

I did the only thing I knew to do, I chased after her. She wasn’t having that though.

The last thing I said to her, “You may not love me anymore and you may not understand why I walked away, but it doesn’t change the fact that I love you. You can call all the shots you want, Noely baby, but you can’t stop me from loving you. You’ll never be able to make me stop.”

I meant every word.

It took me days to realize what that meant for me, what it meant for her, and what it meant for us. I also realized what I had to do to fix it. I had to stop making decisions for her. She was strong now and she didn’t need me to coddle her. She wanted to be her own woman, her own person, and I couldn’t stand in the way of that anymore. I had to listen when she said “no”, and I had to learn to let her walk away when she needed me to. The most important thing I had to do was to make her fall back in love with me. I can only do that the way I did it the first time, through friendship.

I’ll wait for however long it takes. I’ll wait for the rest of my life if I have to.

The Wedding

I’ve been quiet on my end while everyone hustled around getting ready for Julie’s wedding. Julie was a year younger than us, and a grade behind. She was like a little sister to us all, but we all grew apart when she moved to Florida for college. She stayed behind for graduate school. She only moved back to New York a year ago with her fiancé.

She’s come out to a few shows with her fiancé, Toby, but she’s a busy girl. I’m just happy to see she’s all grown up and getting married to a good guy. I dress in a new suit I bought earlier in the week and grab my gift for the couple and then hail a cab to the hotel where the wedding and reception is being held.

I show up alone on purpose. I didn’t ask anyone of the women I could’ve asked to be my date. I’m done trying to replace her. There’s no replacement.

When I arrive, I make my rounds to say hello to familiar faces, some I haven’t seen in too long. I grab a drink from the open bar and stand in the background to watch how happy everyone is. Love is in the air, and that shit makes me happy. It makes me both hopeful and bitter. I fight for the hope to stick.

Jimmy and Noely walk in with her on his arm. She’s wearing a floor length black gown that hugs her body. She’s still too thin, but it appears she’s put on some weight in the last week. Nevertheless, she’s stunning. Her long blonde hair cascades down her back in waves, and her makeup is sultry. Her tattoos shine down her arm, but the most beautiful thing about her is the smile on her face.

Jimmy leans down to say something to her, no doubt completely inappropriate. Her head leans back slightly as she laughs and the sound carries over to me. Then she shakes her head at him confirming whatever he said was most likely crude.

He points to the bar which I’m standing nearby. She gives him a nod and the two move towards me. My throat and chest feel tight as she walks my way.

Fuck. She’s beautiful.

I swallow my fear and greet them as they arrive at the bar.

“Johnny boy,” Jimmy greets with a slap to my back.

“You clean up well Crawford,” I smile and try to pretend all is well in the world.

“Noely makes me look good,” he gives me a cocky smile.

I finally move my eyes to her and find her blues staring back at me with uneasiness.

“That she does,” I tell him without looking away from her.

She gives me the smallest nod, as if she’s showing gratitude for my honest compliment.

Suddenly, Rich, Ryan, and his date Roxy join us. The group is back together and I refuse to fuck up the dynamic tonight. I miss it and I want it back.

I give Roxy a kiss on her cheek and tell her how beautiful she looks, before I turn to the bar and order us all a drink. Roxy and Noe end up in conversation about how great the place looks. They discuss how well the place is decorated and share in girl talk. I could care less what the woman is talking about, I just miss her voice.

“You hear me, Rome?” Ryan asks.

“Sorry, lost in thought,” I tell him.

“Which one of us do you think will get the ball and chain first?” he asks.

I hope it’s me and the woman standing three feet away.

“I have no idea,” I answer.

“You think relationships can weather touring?” Ryan asks.

“I think if you have the right person and they were with you before the world knew you, then yes. It can last. It takes a lot of trust on both parts,” Rich answers.

“Fuck marriage. All you pussies can get married off and fuck the same woman for the rest of your life if you want to sign your own death certificate. There is entirely too much pussy out here for me to settle for one piece. That shit is like forever,” Jimmy looks confused by the idea of marriage.

“I hope I have a front row seat the day this big motherfucker falls,” Rich smiles at me.

“I hope I’m standing beside you,” I smile back at Rich.

“Fuck that,” Jimmy dismisses us with a wave.

Roxy slips against Ryan’s side, and Noely stands beside Jimmy. I hand out the drinks once the bartender places them in front of me.

Rich raises his glass for a toast, “To love, friendship, and living the dream.”

We all join in a quiet cheer and take a drink. When I pull my glass down, I find Noely’s discerning eyes on me. She looks me up and down and smirks before she looks away.

She likes the suit. I hide my smile by taking another drink.

We don’t have to mingle for friends and family to say hello. Several groups of people search us out. Some of them are women I’ve already fucked, but some come up to say hello and ask about my plans after the wedding. I keep my physical distance towards them and intentionally appear aloof. I make sure Noe hears me tell them I’m going home after the wedding, but I don’t look her way to see her reaction. She’d get the wrong impression if I did.

However long it takes, Noe.

Jimmy offers her his arm as we’re asked to file into the room where the ceremony will take place. I walk behind them to watch the way her body moves as she walks. An usher directs us down an aisle of chairs and Noe ends up between Jim and I. I don’t engage her in conversation, but I’m aware of every movement she makes. Out of the corner of my eye, I watch her cross her legs and adjust her dress. Part of it gets caught on the chair, so I lean down and free it and then sit back up and stare straight forward.

“Thank you,” she whispers, but I only nod in response.

The wedding begins and the wedding party walks down the aisle. The large double doors are closed before the wedding march plays and then we all stand and turn to watch Julie enter. She looks like a princess in her wedding gown. I can only wonder what Noe would look like in a wedding dress. I wonder if I’ll ever be the one she’s walking towards.

“Beautiful,” Noe whispers and I turn to look at her and the smile on her face.

“She is,” I respond with a smile and turn my attention back to Julie.

The ceremony is short, but from the corner of my eye I see Noe wipe tears from her eyes.

I turn to her ear and whisper, “You okay?”

She gives me a quiet chuckle, “I’m being a woman.”

“Last I checked, you are a woman,” I smile.

“This shit is making me all emotional.”

“I think it’s supposed to do that to women,” I lightly chuckle.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard. This is my first wedding.”

“They look happy,” I tell her and look back at the couple who the minister is now pronouncing husband and wife.

“Yeah, they do,” she says.

That could be us, Noe.

We all stand as the couple turns towards us and walk down the aisle. Their trip back down the aisle is surrounded by cheers and applause for the happy couple.

“It’s time to party motherfuckers,” Jimmy announces earning him a few looks from some of the older guests close by.

You can put the man in a suit, but you’ll never take the Brooklyn out of him.