Unforgivable (34 page)

It was probably only her imagination that it sounded faintly like a warning. Guilt had a way of tainting things. “I won’t wander again,” she caught herself saying in an attempt to salve that guilt.
But we
’
re not married.

He tugged sharply at the waistband of her purple jeans and gave her peace sign top a look of pure disdain. With lowered eyes, he dismissed her as he shifted his gaze away.

“Any idea who would have done this?” Gary asked as he walked up to them. His gaze took her in with a knowing glint. He’d seen her with Silas.

“None.”

“I know who it was,” Ben said. “Silas Koole.”

“It wasn’t Silas,” she said, too fast. “Was anything stolen?” She started taking inventory. That’s when she saw the smashed dollhouse. Not one miniature item had survived the savagery. This wasn’t a robbery. It was an act of hatred and rage. She headed into the kitchen. A window was broken and shards of glass winked from the linoleum floor—point of entry. The kitchen hadn’t been as damaged as the living room. The office wasn’t touched at all, but the bedroom had been trashed in the same way.

“Nothing obvious,” she said. “Whoever did this wasn’t out to steal anything. He was angry. He did this to send me a message.”

Gary surveyed the wrecked bedroom from beside her. “That’s what it looks like to me, too.”

When she met his gaze, she saw no trace of malice there. He’d no doubt been angry when she and Silas had given him the slip.

“I need you to take a good look around and tell me if anything’s missing. Then I can finish my report.”

Ben headed out to the living room, and she started looking through the heaps of clothes and towels and sheets in the bedroom. There were shreds of paper all over the floor. Confused, she started picking them up. That’s when she saw what was left of the paperbacks she’d gotten at the library—Silas’s books. Whoever had done this had found her hiding place under the mattress. Her jewelry box had been dumped out onto the dresser. Not that she’d had much, and nothing of value. Her cross and her wedding band were the only real gold she owned. The band on her finger seemed to burn into her skin, to grow tighter and tighter until she felt like tugging it off. It was only when she involuntarily touched the cross that she realized Gary had remained in the doorway.

“Who hates you this much?”

She blinked at those words so simply stated. “You think this was aimed at me?”

“You and Ben, of course.” His voice lowered to an intimate level. “You piss anyone off lately?” That knowing glint on his face had remained. 

“No one knows me well enough to hate me.” She wondered if Gary hated her this much. Or could he be creating another reason to get into her house, be involved in her life? “This looks like the work of someone with an anger management problem.”

A muscle on his upper lip ticked. “Any ideas on who that might be?” he asked in a soft, low voice. He studied her the same way Silas had when he weighed how much to tell her about her mother’s death. As he opened his mouth, Ben walked in. Gary closed his mouth, contemplated for a moment, then asked him, “Why do you think Silas Koole did this?”

“He’s been watching us lately, me and Katie. He’s waiting for his chance to get rid of me…and to take Katie like he’s taken the rest of them.”

“I’m not sure he had the opportunity.” He looked at Katie. “He was out of town all day.”

“Doing what?”

“Wish I knew.” Again, those accusatory eyes. “He lost me. I’ve taken the pictures of this place. When I run the place for prints, if any strange ones come up, I’ll get his prints. I don’t mind telling you that I’d love to put that son of a bitch in jail. It would do my heart some real good.”

Katie said, “It wasn’t Silas. I know because…I was with him all afternoon.”

The silence fell like a thousand pounds of mud. For a few moments, no one moved. She wished she could rewind the moment and take back the words, but she knew she wouldn’t. She couldn’t allow Silas to be arrested, and it was very possible his prints would be found in the house. This would be easier to explain, but not by much.

“We were doing research,” she said, forcing herself to meet Ben’s hard gaze. “I’ll explain it to you later.”

She couldn’t tell who was angrier with her, though Ben’s anger was laced with disappointment. Not that she could blame him. She wasn’t particularly proud of her actions, and yet, she wouldn’t go back and erase them, either.

Gary said, “I still want to dust for fingerprints.”

“Don’t bother,” Ben said, not taking his eyes off Katie. “You probably won’t find anything anyway. Whoever did this used gloves if they have an ounce of a brain. I’ve got other things on my mind now. Bigger things.”

“Call me if you need anything else then.” Gary hesitated for a moment. “Are you going to the funeral for Geraldine and Dana tomorrow?” 

“I hadn’t heard about it,” Ben said.

“They just scheduled it, now that we know…”

“Oh, God,” Katie blurted out, thinking of those pigs again. “Of course we’ll be there.”

“It’s at the cemetery at ten o’clock. See you there.” 

He backed out of the door. She heard his engine rev and then fade into the distance. She wondered if Silas were anywhere nearby. She wondered if he could feel the searing pain in her chest and the taste of betrayal in her mouth. She had fallen in love for the first time, had experienced real sexual pleasure for the first time—and it wasn’t with her husband.

“Katie, sit down and explain what the hell you were doing with Silas.”

He didn’t give her much choice. He kept moving toward her, making her step back until she came up against the sofa and dropped onto the front edge. With an exasperated sound, Ben pushed the couch upright and then pushed Katie down on it. Shards of filling and fabric lay everywhere.

“I…needed answers, Ben. About you. Finding that birth certificate, and the diplomas, and you never talked about your father before, so it seemed strange that you’d keep his papers. Since I don’t have a car of my own, I had to ask someone to take me to Milledgeville. So I asked Silas.”

It was a variation of the truth. She was almost more ashamed that she’d so easily believed Ben’s story.

“You went to Milledgeville,” he said. “With Silas.”

She took a deep breath. “Yes. I know about Ben Ferguson…and Larry Howard. You have some explaining to do, too. You’re not a licensed veterinarian.”

The icy façade of his face melted away to reveal deep sorrow. He knelt down in front of her after clearing away debris. “I suppose I should have just told you the truth Thursday night. I didn’t want you to know because…I’m ashamed. I should have known that as my wife, you’d understand, but I want to be your hero, Katie. Your perfect man. Perfect men don’t have sexual abuse in their background. I’ve never told anybody this. I just wanted to bury it in my past and hope no one found it. But you did find it. You and Silas.” For a moment that iciness slipped back into his eyes, but it vanished just as quickly. “I can’t tell you how much you hurt me by going behind my back like this. You’re the one person in this whole world that matters to me. The one person I can trust.”

Her mouth tightened at those words. She’d wronged him, and there was no excuse for that. She’d take full responsibility, because Silas had done his best to stop it from happening. “I’m sorry I let you down. But I did trust you, and you lied to me. And now I have to know everything. No more lies.” She realized how unfair that demand was in light of her own lies. But she hadn’t stolen someone’s identity; she was just trying to find it in the first place.

He took a deep breath and let it out in an anguishing sigh. “You know I had a troubled childhood. You probably know about my being left on the church steps, tied to the doorknob like some animal. I don’t remember much before that time. The reverend took me in. He’s the one you spoke with, isn’t he?” She nodded. “I thought so. They tried, I guess, but they were busy, and I was left with the other kids during all the services and classes. And maybe the reverend didn’t know, but his wife would stick me in the nursery by myself for hours at a time, when it was convenient for her. I was sick a lot, and it was too much for her to handle. She locked me in that room so she could get things done. That I remember clearly, being in that prison and feeling like I’d been abandoned all over again.”

She fought the urge to touch his arm in comfort. During all the years she’d known him, she’d believed him without question. It made sense, and of course, they’d only heard the reverend’s version of events. Now he’d lied to her, and she’d lied to him. It changed everything between them.

“They did abandon me, in a way. Just as I was starting to feel like I finally had a home, they shuffled me off to another family. They didn’t want me, either. I think the reverend just made them feel guilty, so they took me in. Like the Emersons took you in. Surely you can understand what it was like to be in a place where no one wanted you.”

“I can, but I never tried to kill one of my siblings.”

He winced, then shook his head. “That was a big misunderstanding. We were playing a game. No way would I have let him go. I guess I scared him, and then he wouldn’t admit that we’d just been playing. So off I went to another home. Because they went in thinking I had problems, they treated me like a criminal. They locked me in my bedroom at night and watched me like a hawk the rest of the time. Like they were waiting for me to screw up. No surprise that I didn’t last long anywhere. It was a vicious cycle. I just wanted to be loved.” He grabbed her hands. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted, Katie, to be loved. Like you. That’s why we’re meant to be together. We’re the same. Two lost souls in a sea of cold, uncaring people. You and me, together, forever.”

She thought of Gary saying they were the same, and then feeling that Silas was where she really belonged. Her insides felt as pulled as taffy.

“What about Ben Ferguson?”

“He was the first person who gave me some direction. He gave me a job at his clinic, and then let me live with him.”

She pushed out the words, “Are you saying he molested you?”

He swallowed thickly and nodded. “I hate talking about this, but I can see you’re going to make me do it. And maybe it’s better that you know. Then you’ll know everything. The only reason I didn’t tell you was because I didn’t want you to stop loving me. I didn’t want you to think there was something wrong with me.” His voice cracked, and he squeezed her hand tighter. She squeezed back, wishing she didn’t feel so doubtful about his story. Wishing she could be totally supportive.

“I loved Ben, I really did. He was like the father I never had. And then he started touching me. First it was hugging, which was something I’d rarely had in my life. I loved being hugged. But those hugs transformed into something ugly. I felt ugly.”

“Why did you stay with him?” she asked in a whisper.

“Because I had no other place to go.” He was crying now, the first time she’d ever seen him cry or show real emotion. “I knew no one would believe me if I told them. Ben was liked by everyone. His family had been one of the founders of Milledgeville. I made a choice, Katie. It may not have been the best choice, but we all make sacrifices. I stayed because he gave me a home, security, and a job. All I had to do was let him touch me once in a while. He’d crawl into my bed sometimes and hold me through the night. I’d lay there stiff as a log. Sometimes that’s all he wanted. He was lonely, he said. His wife had died.” He crawled up on the couch with her and gathered her in his arms. “Please don’t hate me for the choice I made.”

She could hardly react. She was too stunned by his earlier words, by not only what he’d gone through, but what he’d given up for home, security, and a job…sacrifices. It was her story.

“I don’t hate you,” she said, stroking his hair. “But tell me what happened when Ben died.”

He was curled around her like a child, his head pressed against her chest. “Me and Ben went swimming sometimes. He’d been having heart trouble lately, though I didn’t even want to think about him dying. I knew what he was doing to me was wrong, but he was my lifeline. It was a chilly afternoon, but we went to the lake anyway. No one was there, just the two of us. I stayed away from him. I just wanted to enjoy the cool water and sunshine and not be touched. I came up for air and heard him splashing. By the time I got to him, he was unconscious, floating in the water. I dragged him to the shore and tried to revive him. I’d seen CPR done on television and tried to do it like the paramedics did it. Some people heard my screams for help, and they tried, too. But he was gone.”

His warm breath soaked through her shirt as he spoke. “I was lost. Everything had been ripped from under my feet. Like when your mom died. That’s why I understood what you were going through. They let me stay at Ben’s house for a while, but I knew his daughter was coming to clean out his house and sell it. No one would give me a job or a place to stay, and I couldn’t buy the house. I was desperate, Katie, you’ve got to understand that. By then, I knew a lot about being a veterinarian. I was a fast learner. I’d read Ben’s journals and textbooks, asked him endless questions. He even took me to some of his conferences. I loved animals. Sometimes they’re better than people. They never hurt you or betray you. If you’re kind, they’re forever loyal.”

It all made sense then.
She
was supposed to be that grateful dog. That loyal pet.

He took her intent expression as interest and went on. “I was going through the house, trying to find some money to help me live until I figured out where I was going to go. And I found his birth certificate and diplomas. It all came together, like a light bulb going off in my head. I changed the dates on the certificates at the hospital, the ones we post on the walls. And I started looking for a job.

“I’d planned to go farther away than this, but I heard the veterinarian here was dying of lung cancer. They needed someone desperately. The guy only wanted his family to be taken care of after he died. He didn’t look too closely at my certifications, only saw that I was qualified. He sold me the business with the provision that I pay his family over time. The rest you know.” He looked up at her with a face slick with tears. “Tell me you don’t hate me for lying. Tell me I’m still your hero, Katie.”