Unforgivable (8 page)

“Yeah.” She smiled, remembering the way he slept curled up by her feet every night. “Do you know what he did, right before he died? He found me. It was right after Ben and I married. I was down in the basement moving some stuff around. Boots crawled down the steps. I didn’t even hear him, not until he landed in a thump on the floor.” Her voice went tight. 

Stop being so damn sentimental. 

“He laid in my arms staring up at me with his crossed eyes. He had a condition known as strabismus, permanently crossed eyes.” A laugh escaped. “Do you know how many times I had to tell people that he wasn’t a Siamese? Aside from having a little trouble nabbing flies on the windowsill, he could see pretty well.” Her laughter faded as she found herself back in the cold, damp basement. “I couldn’t figure out why he’d come downstairs. He didn’t do stairs well. He was purring.” She wiped at her eyes. “Purring, like he was happy. He looked up at me the best he could, the way he always had. Like he loved me, with a slow blink. He raised his paw to me. And then he died.” The last word was swallowed in a cry, and she turned away. “This is silly. He’s been gone for nine years.”

Silas got to his feet and went inside. She’d embarrassed him. Well, great, she’d embarrassed herself, too. But

He came back with a wad of toilet paper. “Sorry, it’s all I’ve got.”

“Thanks.” She dabbed her eyes and blew her nose. “It’s silly.” 

“No, it’s not.” His voice was soft, and it pulled her gaze to his. He touched her cheek, and that simple touch warmed her all over. “There’s nothing silly about feeling pain. You’ve had a lot of pain in your life. I wish I could take it away.”

She shook her head, because she couldn’t take the feel of his hand against her cheek another moment without acting on it. “I’ve been lucky in many ways.”

He rested his arm on his knee. “Maybe.”

It was an odd remark, and its implications shivered through her. As though he knew her doubts, as though he could see right into her soul. She’d gotten so good at pretending. No way could he, who knew her hardly at all, figure out what she’d told no one. The Boss groaned as he hefted himself from the floor and moved closer to Silas.

“Still think about your mom?”

“Every day,” she said without thinking. What was it about Silas that made her open up? “She was my age when she died.”

“And you’re feeling very mortal.”

Her eyes widened. “Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Whatever it is that you’re doing.” She remembered the rumors she’d heard about him being strange. “You’re scaring me.”

His expression went still and dark. “Don’t be afraid of me, Katie. You trusted me when no one else did.”

“Tell me why you’re back.”

“It was something I had to do.” The intense way he looked at her…

“Maybe I should go—”

“Tell me about your mom,” he said at the same time, stopping her.

“What?” The word came out a whisper.

He leaned forward, not into her comfort zone, but he was still discomforting all the same. “Tell me what she was thinking just before she died. That’s what you’re searching for, isn’t it? You’re afraid that whatever got to her will get to you.”

“Either explain how you know these things or stop saying them.”

“Just talk to me.”

She would have gotten up then, if he weren’t so right. The sun was filtering through the tops of the trees on its descent. It was still light out, even though it was evening. But here on the porch, tucked beneath the massive oaks, it was cool and shadowy. That fit the man sitting next to her , too.

“She seemed fine,” she said at last. “At least from a nine-year-old’s point of view. She had a hard life, worked hard. She seemed to live in a world of fear and distrust, though I never understood why. We were dirt poor, but I thought we had it all. Just the two of us together forever, I thought. She wasn’t happy with me hanging out at the hospital with Ben. Or you. She thought it was inappropriate. I was mad at her, because seeing Boots meant everything to me.” So had seeing Silas. “I wanted to punish her by sneaking out and staying the night with a friend.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“Logically, I know that my sneaking away didn’t cause her to take her life. But I can’t help thinking...” She looked into the trees again. “If I’d been there, maybe I could have done something.”

“There’s nothing you could have done. If she was determined to take her life, she would have found a way.”

Katie nodded. “I didn’t even know what it meant then, taking one’s own life. I kept waiting for her to come back. When I went to stay with the Emersons, I would sit outside by the fence and wait for her at the end of the day. When the sun went down, I’d get so mad at her. It meant she wasn’t coming again.” She turned away from the sunlight. “I still hate sunsets.”

“I don’t remember much of my mom,” he said, surprising her. “Just vague images. I was three when she ran headlong into a semi. The semi was in her lane.”

“I’m sorry, Silas. I never knew that.”

“No one knew. My father collected the insurance settlement and moved here. He didn’t want anything to do with the people in town. They caused him nothing but trouble, meddling in the ways he parented, telling him how to live. So he kept us out here away from everyone. It annoyed him that I had to go to school, because I couldn’t help him with his carvings. The truant office annoyed him, too. My father blamed me, promised to make sure I got to school.”

“Why are you telling me this?” Why this, this very personal recollection from his life, when he wouldn’t even tell her why he was back in town?

He leaned back against the column. “Because I’ve never told anyone before.”

She felt her insides cave in, but she held her passive expression. “Oh.” She wished she hadn’t interrupted him when he remained silent. “Did you hate your father?”

“He represented everything I hated. Apathy. Selfishness. Violence.”

She winced. “He hit you, didn’t he?”

“He slapped me around once in a while, made me sleep in the woods when he wasn’t happy with me. He handled everything violently.” He wasn’t looking at her now, but somewhere past her. “He took me hunting with him. I hated it. He had a place north of here, an old barn out in the middle of nowhere. He’d take me out for the weekend and make me shoot animals. Not just for food. He really enjoyed it, the killing part. The first time he let me shoot—made me shoot—he thought it was some kind of honor.” This last word he said with a sneer. “I couldn’t shoot the deer. It was standing right there. He jammed my finger on the trigger.” He crooked his finger, making her aware of his long fingers. “Hurt like hell. The deer fell. We took it to the barn and skinned it. I hated that place even more than I hated him. It smelled like death. My father, he enjoyed all of it. The power, mostly. That he had power over another living creature. What makes someone evil like that? What makes them enjoy taking a life?” 

He wasn’t asking her those questions. His gaze was on the woods beyond. Still, she felt herself responding to the trace of agony that laced his voice. 

To keep herself in check, she said, “I think I found that barn once. Dark red, with the foundation of a burned house nearby?” When he nodded, she said, “It gave me the creeps. I’d gone in a different direction that day, walking by myself. I never went that way again.”

“My father loved that place. I hated it.”

“I wish you’d had the kind of relationship my mama and I had.”

His expression softened. “Thanks, Katie.”

She wanted to thank him, too. For letting her talk about her mama for the first time since she could remember. For wanting to take away her pain. For making her feel more alive than she’d felt in a long time. That last part made her get to her feet.

“I’d better go.”

He took hold of her arm before she could move away. “Katie.” He took one step down, looking at where he held her arm, then at her. Since she was one step above him, he was face-to-face with her. “Be careful, okay?”

She hadn’t expected anything, really, especially not what he’d shared. But a warning, least of all.

“What do you mean?”

He hesitated, searching her eyes. “Just be careful who you trust.”

“Does that include you, Silas?”

“Definitely.”

“You said not to be afraid of you.”

“I don’t want you afraid of me. But I don’t want you to trust me, either.”

A warning. She needed that like a fish needed a fiddle.

Her first thought, after chastising herself for going to see Silas, was what a contradiction the man was. Touched that she’d trusted him years ago and telling her not to trust him now. Why had he come back? She hit the steering wheel. It was driving her crazy.

Her thoughts were abruptly returned to the present when she pulled down her driveway and saw a strange truck parked there. 

CHAPTER  5

A knot tightened in Katie’s throat. Before she even opened her car door, Ben and Morton Thorpe stepped out onto the porch. The knot grew bigger. The meeting should have lasted more than an hour, usually two. Both men walked toward her with hurried motions.

“Good grief, Katie, where have you been?” Ben started before she could say a word.

“Just driving around. It was nice to have the car to myself for a change.”

“Your husband’s been out of his mind with worry,” Morton said, as though he were speaking to a little girl. Or maybe as he talked to his daughter, Geraldine. “You ought to be ashamed of yourself putting him through that.”

Ben patted him on the back. “Thanks for the ride, Mort. And for being here for me.”

“No problem, Ben. Anything for you, you know that. I don’t blame you a bit for being worried, especially with...” He looked at her with watery, gray eyes. “Well, you can handle things from here.”

They both stood in silence as Morton pulled out of the drive. Katie had lied to Ben before, of course. Little lies, about liking the clothes he ordered for her, liking the decor in the house. Lies designed to save his feelings. This was a big lie. She couldn’t quite admit why she was reluctant to tell Ben about Silas. What if he saw something in her eyes, something that shouldn’t be in a married woman’s eyes?

“Katie, what got into you?” 

“I didn’t mean to worry you. I just wanted to”—
enjoy her freedom
, that’s what she wanted to say. When she wasn’t with Ben, she was stuck at the house without a car—“take a drive, that’s all.” 

He rubbed the back of his neck. She thought about Silas’s words: where had the feisty Katie gone? Maybe you grew out of the feistiness.

“I’m sorry, Ben.”

He pulled her close. “You can’t blame a man for worrying about his wife. And with you acting so strange lately, hiding all the poisons in the house, talking about your mama dying. I called you, just to make sure you got home all right. I got a little worried after hearing...”

“What?”

“A girl went missing up toward Haddock last night. At first they thought she’d run away. The girl’s mother locked her out after she missed curfew, trying to teach her a lesson. When she didn’t turn up at school the next day, they started worrying. Sheriff told us at the beginning of the meeting that there’s still no sign of her.”

“Just like that hitchhiker that disappeared up by Milledgeville five months ago.”

“Without a trace. They don’t know if the cases are connected. This Haddock girl has gotten into some trouble in the past, so it might be something like that. But her boyfriend said she wasn’t in any mood to run off when he dropped her at her house.” He brushed the hair from her face. “And if she did, she would have run to him.”

  “I hope she’s all right. But what does that have to do with me?”

“I was just worried, that’s all.”

Maybe if some of that feistiness remained in her, she could have pointed out that she didn’t have to know where Ben was every minute like he always wanted to know where she was. He did carry a beeper in case she needed him.

“Everything’s fine. Why don’t you go on back to the meeting?”

“I’d have missed half of it by the time I got back.” 

“What if I go with you and just sit in the back all quiet like?”

He kissed her forehead. “You’re not part of the town council, sweetheart. Only members can sit in on the meeting. Even Harold’s joined in. He and Sam Savino have butted heads a few times, but then again, Savino is a butthead.”

She sighed. She wasn’t even part of the town, but if she voiced that feeling, he would only tell her how silly that was. Of course she was part of town; she’d lived here her whole life.

He held her face again. “Katie, is there a problem? Are you really worried you might take your life like your mama? If you’re that unhappy, you need to tell me, cause I can’t bear to think of losing you. I know...things aren’t right between us in some ways. In that way. You’ve told me it’s okay, but maybe it’s not.” 

They rarely talked about his impotency. It wasn’t his fault the horse kicked him, but Ben was crushed anyway. He tried to make up for it by being affectionate in other ways. He’d asked her how she felt about it, but never told her how he felt about it.

“I’m okay with that, but...”

As usual, he gave her his whole attention. “Tell me what you’re feeling, Katie. I want to make you happy.”

“I am happy. But I’d like...” This was hard to say, especially since the last time she’d brought it up, nothing had changed. “I’d like for us to explore other kinds of pleasure.” She didn’t want him to know she’d been reading
Cosmo
and finding out what other women experienced. All those intriguing sex positions were out of her range, but there were other things, like oral sex, that would probably do just fine. 

“I give you foot rubs,” Ben said. “You make all those pleasurable noises.”

“It does feel good. But I’d like more.”

He dropped his hands with a sigh and moved away. “You know I feel so inadequate already, and now you’re asking me for things, I don’t even know where you’re hearing about these things, but Katie, anything like that just makes it damn clear that I’m not enough for you. That everything I do for you, this house and a good life and all my love, isn’t enough.”