Unforgivably Broken (The Broken Series Book Two) (39 page)

I was somewhat distracted as I stared out at the water surrounding us
, but, as always, I could feel Zane before I even heard him. The pull of that part of me, the part that I’d tried so hard to hide or fight, was overwhelming. He didn’t speak as he approached but I leaned into him, letting my back rest against his chest to acknowledge his presence.

The moment our bodies touched, his hands found my waist. His arms encased me seconds later and his forehead rested against the top of my head. His deliberately slow breathing didn’t go unnoticed as the silence stretched tighter between us. I considered asking what his lawyer said or shoving all of it down and going back to our food, but now that the phone had reminded me what was going on today, I couldn’t seem to claw my way back up from the pit I fell into when it came to the trial.

The prosecutor said it would most likely be over today, but would it ever really be over?

Overwhelmed, I wondered if that desperate fourteen-year-old girl crying in the bathroom made the right choice.

“What?” Zane asked, his body rigid behind me now. I didn’t move, unsure of his question. His fingers tightened as he spun me around to face him. My breath caught at his expression, my automatic reaction being to lean away from him. “What did you just say?”

I lowered my eyes from his glare as the realization that I’d spoken aloud knocked the air from my lungs. That was never the kind of thing I would admit to anyone.
Ever. Especially not Zane.

“Listen to me
—” He stopped speaking as I cringed at the venom in his voice. His grip loosened immediately and he took a step back, putting distance between our bodies. Even in the ridiculous heat of late afternoon, my skin felt cold from the loss of contact. Drawing in a ragged breath, Zane shook out his hands, clenching his fists before pulling his arms behind his head. The movement drew my eyes upward again and I watched as his body visibly calmed. When he lowered his hands, his gaze was softer. “You are too important to the world. Never doubt the choice you made. It brought you to me.”

I swallowed and pushed myself to move, closing the careful distance he put between us when I flinched from his anger. I clenched my fists into his t-shirt at his hips, burying my face in his chest as his arms engulfed me, drawing me even closer before he pressed his lips in my hair.

“I love you, Pixie. So fucking much. You have no idea how you’ve saved me — how you continue saving me — and that’s my fault. I should tell you every day how empty my life would be without you. I should make sure you know that you are the one person in the world that I’ve always been able to count on.” He paused, his lips trailing down to my ear, holding me tight against him as his fingers pressed almost painfully into my skin. “You’re it for me. You’re everything I needed and didn’t even realize was right in front of me.”

The silence that stretched as I tried to find my voice was calmer. Finally, I glanced up his chest, keeping our bodies tight. “Do you remember the day you got the tattoo on your shoulder?” I asked, watching confusion touch his features before he nodded slowly. “After what
Kas said that evening and the way you started avoiding me, I was crushed. We’d only known each other for a few months but I think I knew, somehow, that I was in love with you. Even then.”

There was something like pain in his eyes before he shut them, dropping his forehead to mine. “I’ll never come close to deserving you.”

Tilting my chin, I touched my lips to his, savoring the feeling his words gave me. In the midst of everything collapsing around me, Zane could still make me feel nothing but completely adored.

“You need to eat something,” Zane whispered as he broke the kiss, his eyes soft. “You haven’t eaten all day. Come on.” Taking my hand, he led me back to the shade of the cabin.

“What’s going on up here?” Zane asked, running his fingers along my temple as he slid in front of me where I stood at the bow, watching the sunset.

I sighed, blinking away the spots caused by the bright light as I focused on his face. My thoughts had been all over the place for the last half hour or so. Knowing that the call was coming and waiting all day had drained me, physically and emotionally.

“I’m just scared,” I admitted, surprised how easy it was to say the words to him. His eyes studied me before he slipped behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist as we stared out at the oranges and reds bleeding over the water of the lake together.

“You don’t need to be scared of him. He can’t hurt you anymore. You know that, right?”

“It’s not him I’m scared of. Well, not only him. I’m afraid that…” I trail off, trying to find the words to explain. “It feels like I’m losing myself.”

“How so?”

“It’s a lot of things. I’ve been so good at keeping my emotions in check but ever since Kaitlyn arrived, it’s like I can’t fight
her
away anymore. Kylee was a crier. She was the one that was afraid of confrontation. I can’t seem to stop it and I’m scared.”

He sighed but the sound wasn’t frustrated. He sounded almost wary when he finally spoke. “You have to stop doing that.”

I glance over my shoulder at Zane, feeling my eyebrows pull together. He met my eyes briefly before he looked back at the water. “You’re disassociating. You’re trying to make yourself believe Kylee is a different person but she’s not. She’s you. What happened, it didn’t happen to her. It happened to you.”

“I know,” I answered, my voice hard. Even in the heat,
goose bumps broke out on my skin as I trembled. The reminder, so bluntly worded from Zane, sent the same chilling terror through my body that I’d had when I was reliving it in the courtroom.

“I don’t think you do. I think you’re still trying to separate yourself from everything and it’s not healthy
—”

“You’re not my fucking therapist!” I yelled over him, jerking forward to remove his hands from me
, but hesitating to turn around. I was overreacting and I knew it. I closed my eyes, reminding myself that he loves me and his words were coming from a place of concern. He wasn’t trying to be condescending.

I took two deep breaths as I released the tension in my shoulders slowly.

“I’m sorry.” We both spoke at the same time. The words were followed by a short huff of laughter breaking through the heavy moment and I leaned back into him again.

We lapsed into a more comfortable silence as we watched the sun finish its descent, leaving us with a strip of moonlight glistening along the water.

“I’m so confused,” I admitted finally, still trying to put words to the emotions. “Being here, around my family, I’m lost. I mean, I don’t even have a name anymore.” I was rattling so I sighed, dropping my head back against his chest.

“So take mine.”

I felt the tension return as I stiffened in his hold. I replayed his words in my mind before I spoke. “You shouldn’t say things like that.” My voice sounded somewhat choked. I couldn’t believe he said that. Obviously he didn’t mean it the way it came out.

The only movement from him was a slight tightening of his fingers and it took me a moment longer to realize he still hadn’t corrected himself. Against my better judgment, I turned to face him, letting his hands fall away from my waist.

“You don’t stop to think about how something sounds before you say it,” I said, shaking my head as he looked anywhere but at my face. One hand lifted to rub at the back of his neck as he glanced up through his lashes. I recognized the action and my mind immediately went back to the morning in the kitchen when he asked me to move in with him. “You’re not… I mean…” I stuttered for a second before blowing out a breath. He still wasn’t speaking. “Is this your way of asking me to marry you?” I finally blurted out the words, shocked I could get them out at all.

I waited for his eyes to widen or for him to laugh at my conclusion but he lifted a shoulder in the same nervous shrug. “Yes. No. I don’t know.
Maybe?” He sighed and even in the dark, I could see the uncertainty in his expression.

“Don’t you think that’s the kind of thing you should know before you… ask?”

“I hadn’t thought about it. I didn’t come out here planning to say that, it just came out.” He scrubbed both hands through his hair for a moment before looking back at me again. “I meant it though.”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

He groaned, shaking his head. “It means…” he started, but then he stopped himself. He looked down, meeting my eyes before he stepped closer. He half-sat, half-leaned against the edge of the boat before reaching for me. I allowed him to pull me closer, standing between his knees as he stared at every part of my face before his gaze found mine again. “I didn’t come out here with a ring and a thought that I was going to ask you to be my wife. I never saw myself getting married again. I didn’t think it was important. It’s a piece of paper and I never planned to let anyone close enough to me to want that again. But when I said you should take my name, I don’t know, I could see it. It felt right. I didn’t think I’d want that but… ” he paused, raising one hand to cup my cheek, “I don’t want to face a life without you, Lili. You belong beside me. We’re two parts of the same soul. I know you feel it, too.”

I didn’t realize I’d stopped breathing until a shaky huff of air escaped. My fingers lifted to cover my mouth as I tried to regain my scattered thoughts enough to speak.

“I don’t want an answer. Not here. Not now. There are things you need to know — things we have to deal with together — but, someday.”

Swallowing back a sob, I let the contentment I felt chase away my anxiety and leaned in
, pressing my forehead against his. I’d never been able to deny my connection to Zane but hearing him say he wanted a forever with me felt better than I could’ve imagined.

“Can I ask you something?” I asked and he nodded slowly. “This thing, this part of you that you feel makes you so unlovable,
is it something from your past?” His only response was another wary nod. I could see in his eyes I was pushing him into an area he didn’t want to go. I had to tread lightly. “Okay, so if our roles were reversed, and whatever it is that you have to tell me was my big secret and I told you, would you still love me?”

He looked taken back by my question, like he’d never considered it before. His mouth opened and closed twice but he didn’t seem able to answer.

“I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me about you that would make me stop loving you, Zane. Please remember that.” Just as I leaned in to seal my lips to his, the phone in my pocket sprang to life and the reality of the day slammed into me with the force of a speeding truck.

Hearing Zane’s sigh, I glanced over my shoulder. He was sitting with his forearms resting on his knees, his hair still wind-blown from our day and his skin a bit darker from the sun. His eyes held the worry I didn’t want to see as he watched me so I turned, resuming my pacing along the length of the aisle where we sat.

We’d been the last to arrive at the courthouse once the call had come in but like most things in life, we were back to hurry up and wait. On the way back into the city, I’d wavered on whether or not I actually wanted to be here. Zane, patient as ever, told me we could leave any time. Now that we were here, still waiting, I was beginning to wonder if the entire call had been a cruel joke.

The only other people in the room were Brooke’s parents and Hunter’s family. His brothers, after the arrest, had kept their distance from Zane but it hadn’t stopped them from making a few snide remarks when I’d entered the courtroom. Their mother put them in their place. When she met my eyes, the look I saw made me wonder if she’d come to watch the tape yesterday. Did she know now what a monster her son really was?